Hi! I don’t exist at the moment, but if you leave your message, name and number, I’ll call you back when I am…” *beep*

“You’ve reached the B&D hotline. All our operators are tied-up right now, so if you leave a name, number, a list of transgressions and bark like a dog, we’ll get right back to you with your penance.”

(1) “Hello, this is Ron. (pause) Hello? Hello!!? Nah, just kidding. This is an answering machine. (etc.)”
(2) “Hello, this is Ron. I’m not home right now, but I can take a message. Hang on a second while I get a pencil.” (background noise – open a drawer and shuffle stuff around.) “OK, what would you like me to tell me?”
Also, something you might do after you’ve had the machine for a few months is start answering in person with “Hello, this is a live voice.” (Variation on a theme by “The Cosby Show”.) Or you could try answering your own phone with “Hello, is Ron there?”

“We are unable to come to the phone right now. At the tone, please leave your name, number, and Master Card, Visa, or American Express account number and we’ll get back to, pending credit approval.”

“You have reached the , Strategic Air Command Nuclear Missle Storage Facility. We are unable to come to the phone right now. At the tone, please leave you name, number and target or list of targets and we’ll launch as soon as we can. And have a nice day.”

“Hello?” “Sorry, he’s not here right now, but if you leave a message, he’ll get back to you.”

“Hello. This is Chris. John and Mike aren’t here right now, but if you leave a message, they’ll get back to you as soon as they can.”

[imitating Ensign Chekov] “Oh, sair…it was *Khan*! He made us say things…do things…he kept us from answering the phone! But Keptin was strong, and if you leave your name and number, Keptin will get back to you as soon as he can!”

[imitating Mr. Rogers] “Hello. I’m in the Magic Kingdom right now, so I can’t come to the phone. Can you leave your name and number when you hear the sound of the tone? Sure…I knew you could.”

Steve: Hello. Steve and Matt aren’t here right now but if… Matt: Steve, what are you doing? Steve: I’m leaving a phone message since we aren’t here. Matt: But you left the last one — it’s my turn. Steve: No, I’m sure it’s my turn. Matt: No, you’re incorrect. It’s definitely my turn. Steve: You fool. I know it’s … wait … Matt … what are you doing with that frying pan?!? BONK [really loud thud] Matt: Steve is out right now, so please leave your name and number.

“Hello. I’m David’s answering machine. What are you?”

“This is (#include phone.addr). We are not … excuse me a moment, please. Put your sister down. PUT YOUR SISTER DOWN! (sound of window breaking)
Great! What a mess. I’ll have to get back to you later.”

“Finally get an answering machine. Now how does this thing work? Hmmm. Press record button, I did that, and the light should be on. I wonder why it’s not working right. Hmmmm, I wonder what this button does……”

A friend of mine at school has this message, read by three people while the STAR TREK theme plays in the background. 1: Room 17, the final frontier. 2: These are the messages of Chad’s answering machine. Its 2 semester mission: to seek out your name and your telepohne number. 3: To boldly inform you to wait for the tone.

(Annoying flute music in background)
Good day, Jim. Your contact, [insert name], is not available right now. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to leave your name,number, and a brief message at the tone. This tape will self-destruct in thirty seconds.
Good Luck, Jim.

“Steve is reassembling Elvis’ brain and can’t come to the phone right now, but if you leave your name …”, etc.

“Steve has been captured by a flying saucer and can’t come to the phone right now, but if you leave your name, phone number, and a message I’ll have him call you back as soon as he gets away. Read all about it in next week’s National Enquirer.”

In the background can be heard Gregorian Chant or some other church music Good Day My child, you have reached {name} dial a confession.
At the tone if you will leave your name, number and short confession I will get back to you with your pennance. Thank you and may God go with you.

Hi this is . I’m sorry I can’t answer the phone right now. Leave a message and then wait by the phone until I call you back.

A friend was at a mutal friend’s sister’s house, and when she went out for beer, he changed her answering machine message. In a loud, deep, gravely, horror-film voice he recorded, “HI, THIS IS KATHY, I’M NOT MYSELF RIGHT NOW. IF YOU LEAVE YOUR NAME AND NUMBER, I’LL GET BACK TO YOU WHEN I’M FEELING BETTER.”

I worked for a bit in the coastguard in Wales and I used to send weatherreports to other bases, using a sort of antique FAX machine. I would call first on a special telephone and then send the data. They used to answer the phone with:
” Epicentre of the Universe, God speaking.”
” Hartland home for lost whores.” (that was Hartland CG)
” Da, zis iz Ivan: do you have zee secret information, Boris?”
” Pentagon command: transmit destruct sequence (pause) sequence correct: T minus one minute and counting”
And then there was one phone we didn’t use, with a number of the local take-out. With my, non-British, accent I had some great fun with that phone.
“Starship Enterprise, Uhura here, can you hold please? — Captain, there is a transmission coming in on hailing frequency seven, do you want it on screen?”
(silence…click)
“Vancouver coastguard, may I help you.” British long distance rates arephenomenonal and I had this poor dude sputtering with horror that he had managed to make a long distance call by dialing five digits.

Noisy pick-up of phone
Uh… Hello?
Hi, I ‘m a burgular and I was just about to steal Troy’s answering machine. If you give me your name and number I’ll..uh, I’ll post it on the ‘frige where he’ll see it. Uh.. by the way, where did you say you live?

But right now I’m using “This is a boring answering machine message. Leave a message anyway.” because I’m sick of people ringing the phone at 10am just so they can hear the clever messages I usually have, and then hanging up without even leaving a “like your message” message. Feh!

[Must have good Australian accent]
G’day mate. Can’t come to the phone now because I’m a bit tied up with this crocodile. Just leave a message, and I’ll get back to you.

This is the Literacy Self Test Hotline. After the tone, leave your name and number and recite a sentence using today’s vocabulary word. Today’s word is supercilious

The President is not in his office at this time. Please leave your name, phone number, the name of the country you wish to invade, and the secret password.

Kemosabe no in tipi now. You leave’um message after little smoke signal, and Kemosabe get back for pow-wow real fast.

Also, on the subject of answering machins, my favorite tape was: “This is Jeff, you’re not in now so I’ll leave a message.”
Really confused people.

A bubble in the space-time continuum has connected your line to a channeler in the 23rd Century. Any message you leave will be broadcast into the future….

Hello. I can’t come to the phone now because–HEY, GEORGE! DON’T STAND ON THAT–goddam. …because I’ve invited George and Barbara Bush over …BARBARA! HEY! DON’T FUCK WITH THAT!…over for dinner. After the tone…BARBARA, CALL YOUR DOG…MILLIE! DOWN GIRL! …shit…Leave a message after the tone…HEY, FUCKHEAD…

Hello. Lindsey’s not home now–this is his domestic droid speaking. I’m not programmed to answer the phone, so just leave a message, and Lindsey will get back to you as soon as possible.

“Hi! You have reached 579-7599. This is an answering machine. This is the Eighties. You know what to do.”

My wife and I can’t come to the phone right now, but if you’ll leave your name and number we’ll get back to you as soon as we’re finished.

Ring, Ring:
The number you have xxx-xxxx (your number) has been changed, the new number is xxx-xxxx (again, your number). CULATA!

“Hello, and welcome to Answering Machines of the Rich and Famous! (your name here) can’t come to the phone right now, because he’s spending the week in his beautiful summer home on the French Riviera…”

One day I had a borrowed Casio sampler toy and used it to create a rather interesting one:
Hello. You have reached Tooooommmmmm Tom Tm! Tom and MaMaMaMarMMMMaark’s room. Tom is studying ssttuuddyyiinngg sssssssssssss and MaMark isn’isn’isn’isn’t here. isn’t here. P-P-Pleas! leave a messssssssage. Goodbye. ‘bye! bye!bbyebybyyeyeyebbye {byes repeating at all different pitches}

Last year my roommate had a machine but he hated to make the outgoing message. Stage fright, I guess. So I usually made them. One that we usually used during exam time was:
{background music: Billy Joel’s _Pressure_ very loud}
Hello. You have reached Tom and Mark’s room. We’re a little busy now…
{ BJ screams PRESSURE!!! }
So, leave a message and we’ll get back to you someday after (exam end date)
{ BJ: ONE TWO THREE FOUR PRESSURE!!! followed by a very out-of-tune BEEP! }

My favorite message that I ever had was the *real* message I recorded off 1-800-CALL-SPY, the U.S. army snitching network. Try it, its a great recording (call after 5 pm for the message).
[Give it try! -pZ]

In the background can be heard springs creaking and various moans.
Hi,… You’ve just reached {name}
pleasurepalace. We’re all busy as I’m sure you can tell but when we’re done.. . we’llget back to you in whatever way we can.
You wouldn’t believe how much explaining my mother wanted on that one…

[b.g. music is frantic, violin oriented]
“hello. you have reached xxx-xxxx. we are currently unable to answer because we are either chasing, or being chased by, bats. please leave a message…” etc.

[the quiet, eerie vocal part of ‘hello, earth’ by kate bush]
(after about 30 seconds): “hello. you have reached xxx-xxxx. we can’t come to the phone right now because we’re at vespers. please leave a message…” etc. (30 more seconds of music before the beep.)

(Spoken in a granny voice)
“Way back inna winner of fifty-two, we didn’ have fanshy gadjets like no ansherin’ machine. You jusht had to call and call until shummbody got home. Now, shum people, dey shay dey don’ like ’em, but I shay it’ll shave you a lotta trouble if you jusht leave a meshage. Thanksh a lot.”
Must be spoken in a drawl.

Well, this isn’t strictly from an answering machine, but…
>From Calvin and Hobbes:
(phone rings)
(you answer) Hello, this is <…> speaking. I’d like a large pizza with extra anchovies.
(other person) What?
(you reply) Oh, sorry, I must have a wrong number.
(hang up)
Make everyone’s day a little more surreal.

“I’m home right now . . . I’m just screening my calls. So just start talkingand if you’re someone I want to speak to I’ll pick up the phone. Otherwise,
well, what can I say?

In Japan, the hand can be used like a knife. [sound effect: Heeeeee-YAH!, smashing box of kleenex] But this method doesn’t work with a telephone call…
[sound effect: dial tone]
Introducing the all-new GINSU answering machine! It cuts, it chops,it slices, it dices your incoming calls! How much would you pay?
Don’t answer, because if you leave your name and number when you hear the tone, we’ll throw in a return phone call ABSOLUTELY FREE!

“Hi, you have reached …. Please leave your name, phone number and a message and if we like it we will return your call”.

However, the most effective one I have had so far can be used only one day per year: “This is David. I’m not using the phone over Yom Kippur, so pleaseleave a message or call back after the holiday.” No one wants to admit not having realized it was Yom Kippur or not knowing I would pick one holiday from the whole calendar on which to get observant, so everyone hangs up and leaves me no bad news or requests for favors.

“This is David. Talk.”

“Hi. This is David. I’ve shut the ringers off on my phones and taken a sedative. As soon as I finish this recording I’m going to bed indefinitely. When I wake up I’ll play my messages. Please leave one.”

[with a kazoo band playing “Thus Spake Zarathustra” in the background…] “Thinking you were making an ordinary phone call, you have instead reached…” [YA-DAAAAAAAAA!] “…the ANSWERING MACHINE! Leave your name and number, and we will get back to you as soon as we can.”

“Hello, this is Dr. Pangloss. If this were the best of all possible worlds, I could come to the phone right now, but I can’t, so if you could leave your name and number…”

“Hello?” “Sorry, he’s not here right now, but if you leave a message, he’ll get back to you.”

(woman taped off a “phone sex” service)
WOMAN : (seductively) Hi. I’m Linda. You know, it can be really lonely when you’re a fashion model. Sometimes I just have to …
YOU : (interupting) Oh cmon, Linda, give me the damn phone.. (then ask for a message)

Just after the earthquake a friend of mine put on his answering machine:
“Hi, this is Jeff. We can’t get to the phone right now because we were killed in the Earthquake. Tragic, isn’t it? But, leave a message anyway, someone is sure to get it eventually.” BEEP
My favorite post quake message:
“Hi, we’re not in cause we’re out LOOTING! Leave a message and we’ll call you back and tell you what we got.”

“Hello, I’m not hear right now. In fact, I’m out getting a new parakeet.
If you leave a message after the beep, I’ll be sure to get back to you.
Oh, and by the way, a word of advice; never try to clean a parakeet cage with a vacuum cleaner.”

Ring…click….(sound of loud music in background)…Hello? – just a second while I turn the stereo off (sound of person running to click off music, which gets quiet. sound of person running back to phone) OK, sorry about that, hi there, who’s this…well hi!…
uh huh…yeah…well listen you’re talking to a machine, so please leave a message and I’ll call you back.
(this ran for a while until a friend threatened to kill us after she said she had a 2 minute conversation with the machine.)

“Hello, this is Jim. Unfortunately I can’t answer the phone right now because I’ve just come back from the Mirror Worlds and I’m still made up of antimatter, so if I were to pick up the phone right now, the resulting energy release would make Hiroshima look like a wet firecracker.
So leave a message at the tone and I’ll get back to you as soon as my component particles have been restored to their normal charges.”

“Speak, worm!”
Works best if done in a Darth Vader voice.

“You know what to do at the tone.”

“Hello?”
This confuses anyone who doesn’t know you.

“Hello, I’m not here.”
A friend of mine used this one last summer. I always answered it with “Okay, that’s all I wanted to know.”

Hi!! You’ve reached Janet and Chris’s room. We’re not in right now. If this is our parents, we’re at the library studying. Yeah, yeah, that’s it, that’s the ticket. If this is John (Chris’s boyfriend), Chris is out with the girls at the party. Yeah, that’s it. If this is any one else, we’re at a party and you’re not. Yeah, a party with the president. Yeah and the …. pope. Yeah that’s it.

One voice: I didn’t expect an answering machine.
Another voice: Nobody expects an answrering machine. Our chief use is to get your name. And phone number. Our two chief uses are to get your name and phone number. And message. (damn)
Our three uses are to get your name, phone number, and message. And time you called. Oh, damn, we’ll have to start over. No–no time for that, so just wait for the beep.

(in an Italian mafia-style tone:)
“Hello. I can’t come to the phone right now. Me and Guido are trying to stuff a body in the trunk. I think we’re going to have to size it a little… HEY GUIDO! GET THE CHAINSAW! Anyways, leave your name and a message. If I like it, you’ll hear from me. If not, _you’ll_hear_ from_Guido! ( a little laughter )… ”

(To the tune of “Heartbreak Hotel” with appropriate instrumental accompaniment)
I just left home baby
I’ll be out fer a spell
and if you don’t leave a message baby
you can go to

Hello, this is . I’m home right now, and in a few moments, I’ll have a decision to make. BEEEP!

[Theme from “Indiana Jones” in the background.]
You’ve reached the residence of John and Tom. We can’t come to the phone right now, because we’re cleaning the refrigerator. Please leave your name and number, and we’ll get back to you.
[Theme from “Indiana Jones” continues until the beep.]

Hi! John’s answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I’ll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

One of my favorites had this very exciting scary music, along with a kitten crying in the background, and the voice goes:
The machine answering this message is connected to a 5000 volt power supply, and a relay which is wired to this small kitten. If you hang up before you leave a message, it will complete the circuit and will fry the kitty. The choice is YOURS…. BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP

FOXTROT-LIMA-ALPHA-SIERRA-HOTEL. KEY-DESTRUCT-SEQUENCE-NOW. THIS-TERMINAL-ALSO-ACCEPTS-VOICE-MESSAGES……

Thank you for calling the Metropolitan Church of the Holy Bible.
Today’s commandment is Number 6, Thou shalt not… er… bear a… er… shalt not witness thy… uh… neighbor’s ass, oh, I mean, false… er… shalt not commit a bear… dern…

How do you leave a message on this thing? I can’t understand the instructions. Hello. Testing 1 2 3. I wonder what happens if I touch this… YOW!!

I can’t come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to the phone now, I mean, like, I’m at the phone NOW, recording this message, but I’m doing this NOW, while you’re listening to it LATER, except for you I guess it’s NOW, like, when you’re listening to it… I mean, like, wait, gosh. This is so confusing.

I can’t come to the phone now, so… hey — that’s a nice phone you have there. Hey sugar, you call this number often? I bet you have answering machines bothering you all the time… yes indeedy. Why don’t you give me a call sometime and we can listen to some old recordings… I might even play my beep for you…

Don’t you do it! Don’t you dare! I don’t want to hear it! Don’t you beep! If you beep, I’ll… don’t even think about it!… Don’t…!

After the tone, leave your name, number, and tell where you left the money. I’ll get back to you as soon as it’s safe for you to come out of hiding.

Prepare for alpha test of Beep Software revision 1.05. Counting down to test: 5… 4… 3… 2… 1…

As the drugs take hold, you feel you are losing your grip on reality. You begin to hallucinate. You see a telephone… the telephone is next to an answering machine… you hear a faint click and a light flashes on the answering machine… you hear a beep…

You’re growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message.

No! NO! Not THAT! Anything but that! Not the beep! No! Please! Not the beep! Anything but the beep! AAAAIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE!

This is a test. This is a test of the Answering Machine Broadcast System. This is only a test.

Next on Public Radio 91 we’ll be hearing music of Antonin Dvorak. This is the Beep Serenade in C-Sharp Minor, Opus 72…

[Sung to the tune of “Ride of the Valkyries”]
Leave a message… leave a message… etc.

Thanks for calling Dial-A-Shrink. I can’t come to the phone right now, so after the tone, please leave your name and number, then talk briefly about your childhood and tell me what comes to mind when you hear the following words: orange… mother… unicorn… penis. I’ll get back to you with my diagnosis as soon as possible.

[For Shakespeare lovers only]
So long as phones can ring and eyes can see, So leave a message, and I’ll get back to thee.

[VOICE 1] Answer the phone, please, Hal.
[VOICE 2] I’m sorry, Dave, I can’t do that.

I can’t come to the phone right now because I’m down in the basement printing up a fresh new batch of 20 dollar bills. If you need any money, or if you just want to check out my handiwork, please leave your name, number, and how much cash you need after the tone. If you’re from the Department of the Treasury, please ignore this message.

Thank you for calling the Confessional Hotline. Father Durway’s not here right now, but if you’ll leave your name, number, and confession at the tone, he’ll get back to you with absolution as soon as possible. And remember, confession doesn’t count unless you confess all of your sins in vivid, graphic detail!

Andy Warhol said that one day everyone will be famous for 15 minutes. Well, your 15 minutes was last week, but since you weren’t ready, we gave it to Vanna White. Sorry.

C’mon… you can do it… just a little one. That’s the way… just a little beep, just a little one. C’mon… good boy… here we go… like this — beeeeep, just a little one, beeeeeeeeeep, c’mon… There you go!

I can’t come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don’t remember. I’d appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks.

I can’t come to the phone now because alien beings are eating my brain. Leave a message anyway, and after the alien beings assume my shape, one of them will get back to you.

Thanks for calling Dial-An-Asshole. Right now, all our assholes are busy. After the tone, leave your name and number, and we’ll have an asshole return your call as soon as possible.

Ok, One more time…
This is our answering machine…
This is the message on our answering machine…
…Any questions?

Hi, can I speak to Mark?…Oh, there isn’t?…I’m sorry, I must have dialed the wrong number.

The number you have reached,
Seven. Six. Seven. One. Two. Three. Four.
[Use your number here.]
has not been disconnected and is still in service. Please leave a message at the sound of the tone.

HANS: This is Hans
FRANZ: And this is Franz, and we just want to…
BOTH: Pump (CLAP) you up
HANS: But we are not at home, you know
FRANZ: Ya, we are gone
HANS: If you want us to…
BOTH: Pump (CLAP) you up
HANS: You will leave a message after the beep
FRANZ: If you don’t leave a message, then you are Girlyman.
HANS: Ya, Girlyman. And we don’t talk to Girlyman, you know
FRANZ: So leave a message and we will call to..
BOTH: Pump (CLAP) you up

“Hello! This is 1-800-PRESLEY — Yes! 1-800-PRESLEY!
They say the King died 10 years ago, but we know he’s still out there somewhere. So . . . leave your name and number and tell us where *YOU* saw Elvis!”

“Hi, you’ve reached 1-900-CALL-BREN, my personal message line where you can talk to me, Bren. I’ll tell you all about how I’m suffering in between sports seasons and about my part time hobby of being a power forward for the Portland Trailblazers. I’ll tell my deepest secrets, such as my desire to be kidnapped by short blonde sorority girls wearing short jean skirts, and you can decide whether or not I’m wearing pants. Selected callers will get to talk to me live. Since you’re not one of them, leave your own personal secret at the beep. ”

In a vaguely phoneco-operator voice: “I’m sorry, you have reached an imaginary number. Would you please rotate your telephone by ninety degrees and try your call again.”
A few people even got the joke…

“You have just dialed into the North American Air Defense Contract Center. Stand by at the tone to give coordinates and destination of incoming bogey. TNR Surveillance will scramble. If you do not respond, this unit will assume incoming, non-important.”

“Sherwood forest, which dear do you want?”
“Lucifer speaking, who in the hall do you want?”
“Heaven, God speaking.”
“Bridge, Kirk here.”
“City Morgue, you kill ’em, we chill ’em; You stab ’em, we slab ’em!”

“Thank you for calling Soviet Embassy. No KG… Er, no diplomats are able to answer phone, so at sound of capitalist tone, leave name, telephone number, and short description of secrets you wish to sell.”

“I’ve set up my answering machine so that when anyone calls, they here a busy signal.”

If you are a burgler, then we are probably at home but can’t come to the phone right now Otherwise, we probably aren’t at home.

The number you’ve dialed is purely imaginary, multiply by i and dial again!

This is you-know who.
We are you-know-where.
Leave your you-know-what you-know-when.

” I’m Morley Safer.”
“I’m Harry Reasoner.”
“I’m ……..
“And I’m”
” We’re not home; leave a message.”
He had taped the audio of the beginning of 60 minutes; it sounded very funny.

“Greetings. You’ve reached Ghengis Kahn’s Pornographic FilmsUnlimited. Fabian, Pat, Rex and Mike are still conducting screentests with potential leading ladies to star opposite the late JohnHolmes in our upcoming feature film “It’s Not the Size That Counts butWhether or Not You’re Alive to Use It.
” If you’re interested in a screen test, or even if you’re not, please leave us your name, age, phone number, measurements, cup size, a brief summary of your work experience, both off and on the screen, and a brief summary of your favorite fantasy involving four men, a pair of handcuffs, and a tub of Cool Whip. Thank you for calling.”

Another one I’ve done more than once is to slowly increase the pitch and speed of my voice while recording the message to make it sound like the machine is broken:(start, low pitch, slow)
“Hhhhheeelllllloooooo thheeeerrrrrrre evvvvveerrrryyyboooodyyyy….
(middle, normal)
..home of Veronica, Jaw-Chyi, Mark and Mike. Nobody’s home…
(later, high pitch, fast)
..butifyou’dliketoleaveamessageafterthetonethen…
(end, incomprehensible chipmunk gibberish)
..kkfjdkeirucjkljfkldjrioutjkjfdskoreudjfkleqBEEP!”

This is not an answering machine — this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I’ll think about returning your call.

“E’llo.”
“My name is Inigo Montonya.”
“You killed my father.”
“Leave your name and number, and prepare to die.”

My favorite that I have heard as an answering machine message is also from this movie. My friend recorded the section that goes something like:
“I’m writing the definative work on pain, and I would like you to tell me how the machine makes you feel. Remember, be honest. This is for posterity.”

The message I currently have on my recorder is the output from my Amiga’s speech sythesizer. It’s set up as a dialog between two distict, but recognizably artificial voices. I thought it sort of mediocre myself, but have gotten quite a number of amused comments about it.

– 1> Hello, there are no real people here to answer the phone right now.
2> Yeah, nobody but us machines!
1> Right, just us machines, but don’t hang up! If you like, you can leave your name and telephone number…
2> …and a message! You forgot about the message!
1> Right. Leave your name, telephone number, and a brief message after you hear the beep, and we will keep track of this stuff until the real people get back.
2> …unless of course, sombody pulls out our plug!

I taped theoperator saying “we’re sorry. The number you have reached has been disconnected or is no longer is service…”

From Halloween this year:
(Ominous electronic background music.)
Hi, this is Jim. In honor of Halloween, I’m about to perform an unspeakable pagan ritual. So please leave a message. Oh, unless you’re a virgin, in which case, why don’t you stop by? SINT MIHI DEI ACHERONTIS PROPITII…

(French monologue in the background)
Around the world today, millions still speak French as either a first or second language. But with your continued support and help, we can wipe out French in our lifetime. Please leave a message in English at the tone, and remember, if someone tries to speak French to you, just say, “non”.

Hi, this is Jim. Welcome to my Fun Phone Line, where you can talk to my answering machine for only $.95 per minute! Please leave your credit card number at the tone…

Hi, this is Jim. Thanks for calling during my spring pledge drive. A basic membership is only $30, and a $60 pledge gets you an “I love Jim Shea” T-shirt. Please wait for the tone, and thank you for your pledge.

(click) “You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of _your_ voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial consultation, however our staff of professional extortionists will be contacting you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you.” (BEEEEEEEEEEEP)

(Use a strong east Indian accent)
Hello, you have reached the existential hotline of (…). I am currently meditating, but if you leave your name and which lifeline you are currently inhabiting at the sound of the Om, I will send good karma waves and contact you when the stars align properly.

Oooooommmmmmmmmmmmm…
(heavy panting and breathing in the background), Oh! Sorry, I can’t come (Oh! Yes! Do it to me) to the (Oh!) phone right now (pant pant), leave your name and number at the (scream) (I’m gonna come!!!!!) orgasm.

That’s right! This is an answering machine! In a few seconds, YOU’RE gonna have to leave a message! Then we’ll listen to it and decide whether or not we like you anymore! So make it GOOD…

(Background music: Something psychotic sounding, like Revolution 9 (Beatles) or Toccata (ELP))
Hello, you have reached the Psychatric Ward. aren’t here right now, so LEARN HOW TO COPE WITH IT! (Gasp) Leave a message at the beep, and we’ll discuss your case. Thanks for calling… NOW GO AWAY! Hahahahahaha oof…

(Background: Something spacy, like “A Saucerful Of Secrets” by Pink Floyd.)
(Try to sound like Carl Sagan.)
Who are you? Where do you come from? Why are you here?
(Normal voice)
I don’t have the answer to these questions, but you can give ME the answers at the beep.

“At the sound of the tone, you will be charged $10 for the first minute and $2 for each additional minute. Please leave your name, phone number and a message. You may call as often as you wish.”

“ahhhhhhhhh…hhhhhhhhhhhhh (heavy breathing sounds, like an obcene phone call) Oh, shit, you called me! Sorry, leave your name and number at the beep.”

“Hello, this is John’s refrigerator, his answering machine’s not working right now, so leave a name and number and we’ll get back to you.” (uses a back-woods slow drawl type voice)

“This is an answerin’ machine, this machine is designed to take full advantage of its numerous capabilities. Please say what you wanted to talk about and why did ya call me anyhow? Wait for the tone to sound, and leave yer message after the beep.”

(uses pompous John Houseman {prof. Kingsfield} type voice) “It appears Reynaldo has again failed to answer the phone so you’ll just have to leave a message. Right now I’m off to find Reynaldo and probably fire him.”

Use a pretty much regular message but end it with “And, remember, this machine cannot hurt you–over the phone.”

“Hello. This is Ron’s answering machine, Marvin, and I’m *so* depressed. I have 50,000 times the memory capacity of my owner, yet all I get to do is answer the phone. Life. Don’t talk to me about life. Just leave your name and number after the beep.”

“Hello, this is Ron’s toaster. Ron’s new answering machine is in the shop for repairs, so please leave your message when the toast is done …. {Cachunk!}”

“Joe and Fred can’t come to the phone now because:
(1) Were at an orgy
(2) Terrorists have taken over the building
(3) We saw GOD
(4) The FBI busted our fraterinty /* BIG news around here lately */

“Please leave youre name, phone #, time you called, and favorite color of underware. we’ll get back to you if we like the color.”

Here’s my favorite, for calling large offices and idiots-in-general:
“Hello, is this the person to whom I am speaking?”

My solution is upon realizing that I’m talking with a “telemarketing representative”, I ask: “Are you a telemarketer?” The answer (suprisingly) is usually yes. I then go into a sales pitch to sell a (nonexistant) telephone ear-cusion.
I insist that every telemarketer must have one for safety and comfort. Eventually, they’ll forget to try selling me anything.

“And this is the sound the aliens made…”
(BEEP!)

Waste their time:
Have a tape recording of your self going: “Yes (pause) uh huh (pause) hmmm (pause) mmm, yeah (pause) …” repeated indefinitley. As soon as you realize that it’s a telephone solictor you turn on the recording, put it by the speaker and leave.

Have fun: Ask them very personal or bizare questions. If it’s the opposite sex pretend that you earnestly want to date them. Treat them as if they’re the last source of information on giraffe breeding and you MUST have the details.

“Hi, this is ______________…I’m not here anymore because I’ve committed suicide–so if it’s about any money I owe you, I’ll see you in Hell!”

“You have reached (recites number here). No one is available to speak with you right now because we either are not here or don’t feel like picking up the phone.
If you are a burglar, we have two hungy dobermans downstairs for your convenience.”

Currently I answer my phone, “Kimona Ackapiecesay!” >From the AT&T commercial where the guy calls Fiji? I have no clue as to what it means, but it never fails to confuse people.

My answering machine reads, with spooky music in the background, or Bach’s Toccata and Fugue in D minor, “Hello. You have reached xxx-xxxx,otherwise known as the epicenter of the universe. No one is available right now, but, if you’ll leave your name, phone number, mastercard or visa number, sexual preference, and message, your deity of choice will get back to you as soon as is. . .humanly possible. Thank you very much, and have a nice life.”

Friend of mine (Known as “K”, to protect the innocent – me, not him!) has anodd one. Picks up phone, says hello, says K isn’t here right now – oh, is that him under the table? No, somebody else. Oh well. Leave a message, I’ll getit to him. (Walkman is playing heavy metal into machine microphone all thistime.)

< Lick It…Stuff it in>

< Lick it.. Stuff it in>
< As you can hear, John and Cathy are busy mailing letters, please leave a message at the ton……

in Michelangelo’s voice:
Hi, dudes, this is 031 343 xxxx. This is the Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles’ secret underground hideaway. I’m afraid we’re all out just now on a desperate mission to save the Planet from boring answering machine messages, but if you know what The Shredder has done to April O’Neill, or if you know where he is, or if you can think of a decent pizza recipe, just leave your name and number and we’ll ring you right back. But don’t say anything yet! Enemy agents may be listening. When the computer has checked they’re not eavesdropping, it will make a bleeping noise and you can speak freely.’

Answering machines. Nowadays almost everyone has one, complete with a snappymessage of their own device. Wait for the beep and then read on. This is a short adaptation of Simon Butler-White’s and Clive Archer’s “could-be” phone messages released in Australian Cleo, August 1989. (Some of them are bit old, Maggie ain’t prime minister of the UK, and Kylie Minogue isn’t seeing Jason Donovan anymore, but you’ll get the meaning anyway,I’m sure).

John McEnroe, Tennis Mouth
You dummy! You’ve called while I’m OUT! Five minutes You’ve missed me by ATLEAST five minutes. Are you stupid or what? Can’t you get anything right?You people make me sick! Leave a message and I’ll call you back! BEEP.

Sarah Ferguson, Another Royal
(Giggle) Hello, this is Fergie…er (sound of hand being placed over receiver and a loud whisper). Andrew! What’sthat title again? What? Oh hello, this is the Duchess of York. The Duke and I are out skiing, so when you hear the jolly old pip pip, leave your message and we’ll give you a tinkle when we get back – in November. BEEP.

Elvis Presley, Corpse
Hi. I can’t come to the phone right now. Actually I can’t do much of anything right now because I’ve been dead since 1977. But my spirit lives on and if you’d like to leave your name and number, I’ll try to contact you via ouija board, Madame Zenda or garbled tape recording. This is also the number of John F. Kennedy, Adolf Hitler, Harold Holt, Lucille Ball, Roy Orbison… BEEP.

Mikhail Gorbachev, Commie Birthmark
Hello. This is Nonoxynol-9, the persona and private telephone number of Mikhail Vladivostok Gorbachev, General Secretary of the Supreme Council of the glorious Communist Party of the Union of Sovjet Socialist Republics, Commander-In-Chief of the Combined Armies of the Proletariat Peoples of Russia, First Citizen of the Order of Lenin, Supreme Patron of the Soviet Institute of Literature and Domestic Sciences, President of the Soviet People’s Council of Peace and Happines and Captain of the Kremlin B Squash Team. But hey, call me Mike. BEEP.

Arnold Schwarzenegger, Thespian
Gutten day to you. Here I’m being on ze set of mein latest moofie. Eet’s the latest moofie in mein strings of mega-hits. First zere was za Terminator, zen zere was za Predator…zis one’s called za Laminator. Eet’s about zis handyman on a mission. Eet’s drama. Very funny stuff. You’ll chust luff it. I know you vill. Leaf a messich after za beep. Don’t say you can’t. Ve haf vays off making you talk, you know. BEEP.

Margaret Thatcher, Iron Woman
You have reached the residence of the Prime Minister at No. 10 Downing Street. When you hear the beep, sit up straight, speak clearly and distinctly and STOP doodling when you’re talking to me! And Dennis, if that’ syou, how many time have I told you abut staying at the club after 9.30? We’ve been a very naughty boy, haven’t we? BEEP.

Kylie Minogue, Singing Budgie
Gee, hi, um, I’m unable to come to the phone right now cos I’m making a movie, or a video, or a new album or something, but I’ll get back to you next time I’m in Australia. and if that’s you Jason, I stick by what I said last night: You wear your underwear and I’ll wear mine. BEEP.

The Pope, Spiritual Leader
Bless you my child. This is John Paul Ringo…heh heh, I tell a liddle Beatles choke, yes? I’m out kissing airport runways (hey, so would you if you flew Boeing) and am unable to pontificate at present. Please leave your name and number when you hear the amen and I’ll get back to you, God willing. BEEP.

[to the tune of “I’m not your stepping stone”]
“I I I I I’m just an answering machine… I said ‘a I I I I I’m just an answering machine. BEEP.”

– “Thank you for calling XXX-XXXX. If you wish to speak to Tim push 1 on your touch tone phone now. If you wish to speak to Lynn push 2 on your touch tone phone now. If you have a wrong number push 3 on your touch tone phone now.
All of this button pushing doesn’t do anything but it is a good way to work off anger and makes us feel like we have a big time phone system.”

– I hate these machines, as much as you.
But try as we might, the cats just won’t do.
The scratches they cause,
Holding the phone with their paws,
Only leave us feeling lonely and blue.

So, leave your name at the beep.
On the recorder it will keep.
And if there’s a way,
We’ll call you today,
Unless of course your a .

– “Hello this is the (Last Name) residence, we’re in the middle of a family fight right now. Leave your name a number at the beep and whichever one wins will call you right back.”

– Hi, this is Dave. I’m out right now. This means I’m either asleep or not here. I’ll get back to you when I return or regain consiousness, whichever comes first.

– Here’s another one, (partly) remembered. It is best said very fast and loud and with no pauses, to receive the desired effect (the calling party will have lost all concentration and leave babbling garbage on the tape). It DOES work and is very funny to hear your messages when you get home:

– Hi, this is Dave. By getting this message instead of the person you were originally calling you have stumbled into the position of having to come up with some reasonable one-sided interpretation of your original reason forcalling and leave it on an uncaring audio tape which will not preserve your normally functioning wit and power of speech. NOW!!!! (beep)

Thank you for calling Soviet Embassy. No KG… Er, no diplomats are able to answer phone, so at sound of capitalist tone, leave name, telephone number, and short description of secrets you wish to sell.

Hello. This is Nonoxynol-9, the persona and private telephone number of Mikhail Vladivostok Gorbachev, General Secretary of the Supreme Council of the glorious Communist Party of the Union of Sovjet Socialist Republics, Commander-In-Chief of the Combined Armies of the Proletariat Peoples of Russia, First Citizen of the Order of Lenin, Supreme Patron of the Soviet Institute of Literature and Domestic Sciences, President of the Soviet People’s Council of Peace and Happiness and Captain of the Kremlin B Squash Team. But hey, call me Mike.

The President is not in his office at this time. Please leave your name, phone number, the name of the country you wish to invade, and the secret password.

We’re sorry. You have reached an imaginary number. Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again.

Hi there. This is Joe speaking. I’m home right now, and in a moment, I’ll have a decision to make. Leave your name and number and I’ll be thinking about it…

Hi! You have reached 234-1243. This is an answering machine. This is the Nineties. You know what to do.

This is you-know who. We are you-know-where. Leave your you-know-what you-know-when.

I’m not at home today, and I might not be home tomorrow. So please leave a message after the tone. I didn’t take a shower today, and I might not take one tomorrow. So if you don’t leave a message after the tone, you might have to deal with me in person.

Greetings. You’ve reached Ghengis Kahn’s Pornographic Films Unlimited. Fabian, Pat, Rex and Mike are still conducting screen tests with potential leading ladies to star opposite the late John Holmes in our upcoming feature film, “It’s Not the Size That Counts but Whether or Not You’re Alive to Use It.” If you’re interested in a screen test, or even if you’re not, please leave us your name, age, phone number, measurements, cup size, a brief summary of your work experience, both off and on the screen, and a brief summary of your favorite fantasy involving four men, a pair of handcuffs, and a tub of Cool Whip. Thank you for calling.

(Start, low pitch, slow:) Hhhhheeelllllloooooo thheeeerrrrrrre evvvvveerrrryyyboooodyyyy… (middle, normal:) …home of Veronica, Jaw-Chyi, Mark and Mike. Nobody’s home… (later, high pitch, fast:) …liketoleaveamessageafterthetonethen… (end, incomprehensible chipmunk gibberish:) …kkfjdkeirucjkljfklreudjfkleqBEEP!

(In a bored voice:) Heaven, God speaking…
Lucifer speaking. Who in hell do you want?
Bridge, Kirk here.

Hi! I can’t answer the phone right now. Bob, that’s my pet parakeet, just swallowed a cherry bomb. It wasn’t lit, but I’ve got to get him to the bathroom. Uh-oh! (Sound of a paper bag exploding.)

Hello, I’m not here right now. In fact, I’m out getting a new parakeet. If you leave a message after the beep, I’ll be sure to get back to you. Oh, and by the way, a word of advice; never try to clean a parakeet cage with a vacuum cleaner.

(After a power outage:) Hi, this is Ralph. The good news is that my power is back on. The bad news for you is, so is my answering machine. So, leave a message.

Hello, this is Death. I am not in right now, but if you leave your name and number, I’ll be right with you.

Hello, this is KVKE, you’re on the air.

Hello, this is Dr. Pangloss. If this were the best of all possible worlds, I could come to the phone right now, but I can’t, so if you could leave your name and number…

(French monologue in the background:) Around the world today, millions still speak French as either a first or second language. But with your continued support and help, we can wipe out French in our lifetime. Please leave a message in English at the tone, and remember, if someone tries to speak French to you, just say, “non”.

Hello, you’ve reached 344-1312, the Apartment at the End of the Universe. Please leave your message, name and number at the sound of the tone. Keep your hands, feet, extremities and obscenities inside the car at all times. Enjoy your ride.

Hello, this is the Computer Music Research Institute of Portland, Oregon. We can’t take your call at the moment, but we would like you to leave a critique of one of our current works in progress. BEEP!

(Computer generated voices:)
1: Hello, there are no real people here to answer the phone right now.
2: Yeah, nobody but us machines!
1: Right, just us machines, but don’t hang up! If you like, you can leave your name and telephone number…
2: …and a message! You forgot about the message!
1: Right. Leave your name, telephone number, and a brief message after you hear the beep, and we will keep track of this stuff until the real people get back.
2: …unless of course, sombody pulls out our plug!

(Militaristic mechanical voice:)
FOXTROT-LIMA-ALPHA-SIERRA-HOTEL. KEY-DESTRUCT-SEQUENCE-NOW. THIS-TERMINAL-ALSO-ACCEPTS-VOICE-MESSAGES.

You have reached the Strategic Air Command Nuclear Missile Storage Facility. We are unable to come to the phone right now. At the tone, please leave your name, number, and target or list of targets, and we’ll launch as soon as we can. And have a nice day.

The machine answering this message is connected to a 5000 volt power supply, and a relay which is wired to this small kitten. (Sound of a kitten meowing.) If you hang up before you leave a message, it will complete the circuit and fry the kitty. The choice is YOURS.

Hi! John’s answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I’ll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

Hello, this is Ron’s toaster. Ron’s new answering machine is in the shop for repairs, so please leave your message when the toast is done…. (Cachunk!)

In Japan, the hand can be used like a knife. (Sound effect: Heeeeee-YAH! Smashing box of kleenex.) But this method doesn’t work with a telephone call… (Sound effect: dial tone.) Introducing the all-new GINSU answering machine! It cuts, it chops, it slices, it dices your incoming calls! How much would you pay? Don’t answer, because if you leave your name and number when you hear the tone, we’ll throw in a return phone call ABSOLUTELY FREE!

(Frantic violin music:) Hello. You have reached 435-3949. We are currently unable to answer because we are either chasing, or being chased by, bats. Please leave a message.

(Theme from “Raiders of the Lost Ark” in the background:)
You’ve reached the residence of John and Tom. We can’t come to the phone right now, because we’re cleaning the refrigerator. Please leave your name and number, and we’ll get back to you.

My time is billed at $125 per hour. Please begin your message with your MasterCard or Visa number, card type, and date of expiration. Go ahead.

We are unable to come to the phone right now. At the tone, please leave your name, number, and Master Card, Visa, or American Express account number, and we’ll get back to you pending credit approval.

Hi, this is Jim. Welcome to my Fun Phone Line, where you can talk to my answering machine for only $.95 per minute! Please leave your credit card number at the tone…

OK, one more time… This is our answering machine… This is the message on our answering machine… Any questions?

Hello. I’m David’s answering machine. What are you?

Hello. This is Chris. John and Mike aren’t here right now, but if you leave a message, they’ll get back to you as soon as they can.

(Imitating Mr. Rogers:) Hello. I’m in the Magic Kingdom right now, so I can’t come to the phone. Can you leave your name and number when you hear the sound of the tone? Sure… I knew you could.

Steve: Hello. Steve and Matt aren’t here right now, but if…
Matt: Steve, what are you doing?
Steve: I’m leaving a phone message since we aren’t here.
Matt: But you left the last one — it’s my turn.
Steve: No, I’m sure it’s my turn.
Matt: No, you’re wrong. It’s definitely my turn.
Steve: You fool, I know it’s… wait… Matt… what are you doing with that frying pan?
(BONK… THUD)
Matt: Steve is out right now, so please leave your name and number.

This is Fred. We are not… excuse me a moment, please. Put your sister down. PUT YOUR SISTER DOWN! (Sound of window breaking.) Great! What a mess. I’ll have to get back to you later.

(Recorded directly from AT&T We’re sorry, but the number you dialed is disconnected or no longer in service.

The number you have reached, 226-0477, has been changed. The new number is 226-0477. Please make a note of it.

(A busy signal.) — Steven Wright

Hello, and welcome to Answering Machines of the Rich and Famous! Sam can’t come to the phone right now because he’s spending the week in his beautiful summer home on the French Riviera.

You’ve reached the B&D hotline. All our operators are tied up right now, so if you leave a name, number, a list of transgressions, and bark like a dog, we’ll get right back to you with your penance.

(In the background can be heard springs creaking and various moans; husky, soft female voice is best:) Hi… You’ve just reached Sharon’s pleasure palace. We’re all busy as I’m sure you can tell, but when we’re done… we’ll get back to you in whatever way we can.

(STAR TREK theme in the background:)
(Voice 1 Room 17, the final frontier.
(Voice 2 These are the messages of Chad’s answering machine. Its two semester mission: To seek out your name and your telephone number.
(Voice 3 To boldly inform you to wait for the tone.

(Annoying flute music in background:) Good day, Jim. Your contact, Linda, is not available right now. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to leave your name, number, and a brief message at the tone. This tape will self-destruct in thirty seconds. Good Luck, Jim.

This is David. Talk to me.

You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of YOUR voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial consultation. However our staff of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you.

Hi, you’ve reached 1-900-CALL-BREN, my personal message line where you can talk to me, Bren. I’ll tell you all about how I’m suffering in between sports seasons and about my part time hobby of being a power forward for the Portland Trailblazers. I’ll tell my deepest secrets, such as my desire to be kidnapped by short blonde sorority girls wearing short jean skirts, and you can decide whether or not I’m wearing pants. Selected callers will get to talk to me live. Since you’re not one of them, leave your own personal secret at the beep.

“I’m Morley Safer.” “I’m Harry Reasoner.” “And I’m Fred.” “We’re not home; leave a message.”

Thank you for calling Robert’s House of Love. All of our customer service representatives are, er… busy servicing customers, so at the sound of the erotic tone, leave your name, number, and a short description of whatever turns you on…

Oooooommmmmmmmmmm… (heavy panting and breathing in the background), Oh! Sorry, I can’t come (Oh! Yes! Do it to me) to the (Oh!) phone right now (pant pant), leave your name and number at the (scream) (I’m gonna come!) orgasm.

Hi, this is Jim. Thanks for calling during my spring pledge drive. A basic membership is only $30, and a $60 pledge gets you an “I love Jim Shea” T-shirt. Please wait for the tone, and thank you for your pledge.

(Recorded during a party:)
HUB-BUB-HUB-BUB-HUB-BUB-HUB-BUB-HUB-HUB-BUB-HUB-BUB-HUB-BUB-HUB
yeah!! we’re having a party!! come on over! B mike’s not home right now!! Look out! E Hey what are you doing? Careful it might spill. E Was that the phone ringing? P

Hi!! You’ve reached Janet and Chris’s room. We’re not in right now. If this is our parents, we’re at the library studying. Yeah, yeah, that’s it, that’s the ticket. If this is John, Chris is out with the girls at the party. Yeah, that’s it. If this is any one else, we’re at a party and you’re not. Yeah, a party with the president. Yeah and the… pope. Yeah that’s it.

I’m writing the definitive work on pain. I would like you to tell me how this machine makes you feel. Remember, be honest. This is for posterity.

Steve has been captured by a flying saucer and can’t come to the phone right now, but if you leave your name, phone number, and a message, I’ll have him call you back as soon as he gets away. Read all about it in next week’s National Enquirer.

Hi, this is George. I’m sorry I can’t answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.

Hello, this is Ron. I’m not home right now, but I can take a message. Hang on a second while I get a pencil. (Open a drawer and shuffle stuff around.) OK, what would you like me to tell me?

(A friend was at a mutual friend’s sister’s house, and when she went out for beer, he changed her answering machine message. In a loud, deep, gravelly, horror-film voice he recorded:) HI, THIS IS KATHY. I’M NOT MYSELF RIGHT NOW. IF YOU LEAVE YOUR NAME AND NUMBER, I’LL GET BACK TO YOU WHEN I’M FEELING BETTER.

Hello. This is Ron’s answering machine, Marvin, and I’m *so* depressed. I have 50,000 times the memory capacity of my owner, but all I get to do is answer the phone. Life. Don’t talk to me about life. Just leave your name and number after the beep.

(With strong east Indian accent:) Hello, you have reached the existential hotline of Ransheesh. I am currently meditating, but if you leave your name and which lifeline you are currently inhabiting at the sound of the Om, I will send good karma waves and contact you when the stars align properly.

(Noisy pick-up of phone.) Hi, I’m a burglar and I was just about to steal Troy’s answering machine. If you give me your name and number I’ll… uh, I’ll post it on the fridge where he’ll see it. Uh… by the way, where did you say you live?

This is Jeff, you’re not in now, so I’ll leave a message.

I’m sorry, the number that has dialed you is not in service. Will you please hang up and let it dial again… I’m sorry, the…

This is the Literacy Self Test Hotline. After the tone, leave your name and number, and recite a sentence using today’s vocabulary word. Today’s word is “supercilious”.

You know what I hate about answering machine messages? They go on and on, wasting your time. I mean, all they really need to say is, “We aren’t in, leave a message.” That’s why I’ve decided to keep mine simple and short. I pledge to you, my caller, that you will never have to suffer through another long answering machine message when you call me…

(In a good Australian accent:) G’day mate. Can’t come to the phone now because I’m a bit tied up with this crocodile. Just leave a message, and I’ll get back to you.

My wife and I can’t come to the phone right now, but if you’ll leave your name and number, we’ll get back to you as soon as we’re finished.

Wrong number? No sweat, I was going to pick up the phone anyway.

I just got a car phone. I’m not here at the moment. Leave me a message and I’ll call you when I’m out.

Hello, this is Jim. Unfortunately I can’t answer the phone right now because I’ve just come back from the Mirror Worlds and I’m still made up of antimatter, so if I were to pick up the phone right now, the resulting energy release would make Hiroshima look like a wet firecracker. So leave a message at the tone and I’ll get back to you as soon as my component particles have been restored to their normal charges.

Hi. This is David. I’ve shut the ringers off on my phones and taken a sedative. As soon as I finish this recording I’m going to bed indefinitely. When I wake up I’ll play my messages. Please leave one.

You have reached the Suicide Prevention Hotline. All our lines are busy now, but if you leave your name and number, someone will get back to you as soon as possible.

This is a boring answering machine message. Leave a message anyway. (Useful to keep people from calling at odd hours to hear your latest exciting message.)

Hi, dudes, this is 229-3053, the Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles’ secret underground hideaway. I’m afraid we’re all out just now on a desperate mission to save the Planet from boring answering machine messages, but if you know what The Shredder has done to April O’Neill, or if you know where he is, or if you can think of a decent pizza recipe, just leave your name and number and we’ll ring you right back. But don’t say anything yet! Enemy agents may be listening. When the computer has checked they’re not eavesdropping, it will make a bleeping noise and you can speak freely.

These words are lovely dark and deep
But I’ve got promises to keep
and miles to go before I sleep
So leave a message at the beep.

Now I lay me down to sleep;
Leave a message at the beep.
If I die before I wake,
Remember to erase the tape.

Dial some number at random. Ask: “May I speak to Kevin? Oh, wrong number? Could you please tell him that his pizza is ready?”. Hang up.

Dial the same number again 15 minutes later. In a different voice: “May I speak to Kevin? Oh, wrong number? Could you please tell him that John called?”. Hang up.

Repeat 10 times. On the eleventh: “Hi, this is Kevin. Did I get any messages?”

Dial a number. “Hello, this is your local telephone station speaking. We are sorry to tell you but we are having a terrible fire here at the station. The fire cannot be controlled, it is spreading over telephone cables and will reach your house in 5 minutes. So, if you don’t want to burn down your house, hurry up and take your telephone receiver and throw it into a bucket of cold water!”

Sometimes it works, and people do throw their receivers into water. It is especially amusing to play this joke on the people whom you intend to visit later in the day. That way you can come and inspect the damage.

“Hello, this is your local Zoo speaking. Do you like animals? We are experiencing severe problems with hot water. Would you be so kind as to allowus to bring our elephants over to your bathroom for a shower?”

The most common response: “Well, sure, but my neighbour’s bathroom is bigger and better equipped to handle elephants.”

When you knock on somebody’s door and they ask “Who is there?”, a good reply is “And who is THERE?”