Og så var der supermarkedet som solgte brændende kærlighed som dybfrost.

Tv-speakeren får stukket et stykke papir i hånden midt under nyhederne.
Han læser det straks op: “Du har noget spinat eller grønkål siddende mellem tænderne…”

En mand kommer ind på en grillbar og bestiller en burger.
Manden bag disken (en stor fed svedig mand i beskidt undertrøje)
tager to sesam-boller og stikker en op under hver sin arm og klemmer til,
idet han siger: “Ja, jeg beklager meget, men vores brødrister er altså gået i stykker!”
Straks lyder en spinkel stemme over fra hjørnet:
“Undskyld, men i så tilfælde vil jeg gerne afbestille min franske hotdog…”

Lise: Nogle siger at tomater er giftige!
Mona: Det tror jeg altså ikke på.
Lise: Det gør jeg, for her den anden dag købte jeg en dåse makrel
i tomat og alle makrellerne var døde!

En amerikansk turist kommer ind i en dansk grønthandel og tager hånligt en vandmelon:
– Er dette virkelig de største æbler, danskerne kan frembringe?
– Hej, hold fingrene fra vindruerne.

Tre mænd arbejder på en meget høj bygning.

Den ene er mexicaner, den anden italiener og den sidste århusianer.

Da de når til frokost, sætter de sig med benene ud over kanten af bygningen, og mexicaneren siger:
– “Hvis jeg har chili con carne med på madpakken igen i dag, så springer jeg ud herfra. Jeg er simpelthen så træt af chili con carne!”

Han åbner … og desværre: chili con carne! Så han springer.

Så siger italieneren:
– “Hvis jeg har spaghetti med på madpakken igen i dag, så springer jeg ud herfra. Jeg er simpelthen så træt af spaghetti!”

Han åbner … og desværre: spaghetti! Så han springer også.
Århusianeren sidder tilbage for sig selv og siger endelig:
– “Hvis jeg har leverpostej med på madpakken igen i dag, så springer jeg ud herfra. Jeg er simpelthen så træt af leverpostej!”

Han åbner … og desværre: leverpostej! Så han springer, og lander laaangt nede, oveni de to andre.

Man kan ikke længere se, hvem der er hvem, så der afholdes kollektiv begravelse.
Enkerne mødes og river sig fortvivlet i håret. Den mexicanske kvinde råber:
– “Jeg forstår ingenting; han sagde altid, at han elsker chili con carne!”
Den italienske kvinde hulker:
– “Jeg forstår ingenting, han sagde altid, at han elsker spaghetti!”
Enken til århusianeren siger:
– “Jeg forstår det ligegodt ikke … han smurte sgu da altid selv sin madpakke!”

If you can read this whole story without tears of laughter running down your cheeks, then there’s no hope for you!

*Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better!*

For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chilli Cook-off about the time the Rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome.

The notes are from an inexperienced Chilli taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:

Frank: “Recently, I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a chilli cook-off. The Judge #3 called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table asking for directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chilli wouldn’t be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.”

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chilli #1 (Mike’s Maniac Mobster Monster Chilli)

Judge #1 A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge #2 Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.

Judge #3 (Frank) Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that’s the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

______________________________

Chilli #2 (Arthur’s Afterburner Chilli)

Judge #1 Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge #2 Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge #3 (Frank) Keep this out of the reach of children. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

______________________________

Chilli #3 (Fred’s Famous Burn Down the Barn Chilli)

Judge #1 Excellent firehouse chilli. Great kick. Needs more beans.

Judge #2 A beanless chilli, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge #3 (Frank) Call the EPA. I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose
feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting shit-faced from all of the beer!

______________________________

Chilli #4 (Bubba’s Black Magic)

Judge #1 Black bean chilli with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge #2 Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chilli.

Judge #3 (Frank) I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. bitch is starting to look HOT… just like this nuclear waste I’m eating! Is chilli an aphrodisiac?

______________________________

Chilli #5 (Laura’s Legal Lip Remover)

Judge #1 Meaty, strong chilli. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge #2 Chilli using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge #3 (Frank) My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chilli had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I’m burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

______________________________

Chilli #6 (Vera’s Very Vegetarian Variety)

Judge #1 Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chilli. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge #2 The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

Judge #3 (Frank) I shit myself when I farted and I’m worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can’t feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.

______________________________

Chilli #7 (Sandra’s Screaming Sensation Chilli)

Judge #1 A mediocre chilli with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge #2 Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chilli peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge #3 (Frank) You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel a thing. I’ve lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chilli, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they’ll know what killed me.

I’ve decided to stop breathing, it’s too painful. Screw it; I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

______________________________

Chilli #8 (Tommy’s Toe-Nail Curling Chilli)

Judge #1 The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chilli. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge #2 This final entry is a good, balanced chilli. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chilli pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he’d have reacted to a really hot chilli?

If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that.
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Terminate the call with, “Remember, we never had this conversation.”
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Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you’re going with the lowest bidder.
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Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from Metallica’s “Master of Puppets” CD.
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Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.
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Put an extra edge in your voice when you say “crazy bread.”
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Change your accent every three seconds.
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Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.
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Act like you know the order taker from somewhere. Say “Bed-Wetters’ Camp, right?”
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Start your order with “I’d like. . . “. A little later, slap yourself and say “No, I don’t.”
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If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say “OK. That’ll be $10.99; please pull up to the window.”
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Rent a pizza.
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Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.
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Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream goodbye at the top of your lungs.
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Play a sitar in the background.
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Say it’s your anniversary and you’d appreciate if the deliverer hid behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can surprise him/her.
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Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza.
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Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say “Where was I? Who are you?”
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Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call them, and ask again.
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Start the conversation with “My Call to (Pizza Place), Take 1, and. . . action!”
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Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.
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Start the conversation by reciting today’s date and saying, “This may be my last entry.”
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Detect the order taker’s psychic aura. Use it to your advantage.
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Learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica. Stop talking at regular intervals to play it.
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Put them on hold.
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Teach the order taker a secret code. Use the code on all subsequent orders.
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Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you say “No mushrooms, please.” Hang up before they have a chance to respond.
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When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say “You just don’t get it, do you?”
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While on the phone, fake entering puberty. Fluctuate pitch often; act embarrassed.
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Dance all around the word “pizza.” Avoid saying it at all costs. If he/she says it, say “Please don’t mention that word.”
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Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the background. Yell “OW!” when a bullet is fired.