IRISH WOMAN: DOCTER, DOCTER, I FORGOT TO TAKE MY CONTRADICTORY PILLS!
DOCTER: LADY YOU SEEM TO BE IGNORANT.
IRISH WOMAN: YES,I THINK THREE MONTHS.
AN IRISHWOMANS LETTER TO HER SON …..
DEAR SON,
JUST A FEW LINES TO LET YOU KNOW THAT I AM STILL ALIVE. I AM WRITING THIS SLOWLY BECAUSE I KNOW THAT YOU CAN’T READ VERY FAST. YOU WON’T KNOW THE HOUSE WHEN YOU COME HOME BECAUSE WE HAVE MOVED.
EXCUSE THE WRITING ONLY I HAD AN ACCIDENT, I BURNT MY FINGERS IN BOILING WATER. IT WAS ALL MY OWN FAULT, I SHOULD HAVE TESTED THE TEMPERATURE OF THE WATER WITH MY OTHER HAND FIRST. I AM FEELING BETTER SINCE YOU WENT AWAY, I WENT TO THE DOCTOR ABOUT MY DEAFNESS AND HE GAVE ME A MEDICINE SO GOOD THAT I HEARD FROM YOUR UNCLE SID IN AUSTRALIA THE NEXT DAY.
THE FAMILY NEWS IS NOT SO GOOD. YOUR FATHER HAS GOT WORMS AND GONE FISHING, YOUR OLD GRANNIE HAS DIED, SISTER ANNIE HAS MARRIED A BUTCHER AND FANNY HAS LEFT HOME SO YOU’VE GOT NO GRANNY, FANNY OR ANNIE.
WE HAD A ROW WITH THE ELECTRIC COMPANY AND IT ENDED IN A DRAW, THEY GOT NO BLOODY MONEY AND WE GOT NO BLOODY LIGHTS. WE ARE VERY HARD UP, PLEASE SEND US A FEW RAND, IT WILL ONLY COST YOU 20C.
OUR NEIGHBOURS THE FLYNNS HAVE STARTED TO KEEP PIGS BUT WE ONLY GOT WIND OF IT THIS MORNING. MR.HIGGINS HAS HAD HIS APPENDIX OUT AND A NEW SINK PUT IN. THE CAT HAD FOUR KITTENS IN YOU FATHERS BOWLER HAT, I MOVED THEM TO A SHOEBOX AS I WOULD RATHER THEY GREW UP FLAT FOOTED THAN ROUND SHOULDERED.
YOUR FATHER HAS A LOVELY NEW JOB WITH OVER 500 PEOPLE UNDER HIM HE IS CUTTING GRASS IN THE CEMETARY. THERE WAS A WASHING MACHINE IN THE NEW HOUSE BUT IT IS NOT WORKING VERY WELL, LAST WEEK I PUT IN 4 SHIRTS AND PULLED THE CHAIN AND I HAVEN’T SEEN THEM SINCE. YOUR SISTER MARY HAD A BABY THIS MORNING, I HAVEN’T FOUND OUT WHETHER IT’S A BOY OR A GIRL SO I DON’T KNOW YET IF YOU ARE AN AUNTY OR AN UNCLE.
YOUR UNCLE DICK DROWNED LAST WEEK IN A VAT OF WHISKEY. THREE OF HIS MATES DIVED IN TO SAVE HIM BUT HE BRAVELY FOUGHT THEM OFF. WE CREMATED HIS BODY BUT IT TOOK THREE WEEKS TO PUT THE FIRE OUT. YOUR FATHER DIDN’T DRINK TOO MUCH AT CHRISTMAS, I PUT CASTOR OIL IN HIS BEER AND THAT KEPT HIM GOING ‘TILL NEW YEARS DAY.
I WENT TO THE DOCTOR LAST TUESDAY AND YOUR FATHER CAME WITH ME. THE DOCTOR PUT A SMALL GLASS TUBE IN MY MOUTH AND ASKED ME TO KEEP IT CLOSED FOR TEN MINUTES. YOUR FATHER OFFERED TO BUY IT FROM HIM.
IT ONLY RAINED TWICE THIS WEEK, FIRST FOR THREE DAYS THEN FOR FOUR DAYS. MONDAY WAS SO WINDY THAT ONE OF THE CHICKENS LAID THE SAME EGG FOUR TIMES.
WE HAD A LETTER FROM THE UNDERTAKER LAST WEEK ABOUT GRANDMA SAYING THAT IF THE LAST INSTALMENT WASN’T PAID WITHIN SEVEN DAYS THEN UP SHE COMES.
YOUR LOVING MOTHER
MAN COMES INTO THE BAR OF AN ‘INTERNATIONAL’ HOTEL WITH A GORRILLA AND SAYS THIS GORRILLA CAN BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF ANYBODY. THE BARMEN SAYS JUST KEEP HIM QUIET AND DON’T MAKE TROUBLE BUT THE GORRILLA WANDERS OFF WHILE THE OWNER HAS A DRINK AND BUMPS THE TABLE OF PADDY, A LITTLE IRISHMAN WHO WAS JUST ENJOYING THE TENTH DRINK OF THE EVENING. AS PADDYS DRINK ROLLED OVER HE LEPT TO HIS FEET AND SOCKED THE GORRILLA IN THE TEETH AND THE GORRILLA STARTED SWINGING BACK.
SOON THERE WAS A HELL OF FIGHT GOING ON BETWEEN PADDY AND THE FIGHTING APE WHICH SLOWLY MOVED TO THE DOOR AND OUT. ‘MY GOD’, SAID THE OWNER, ‘MY GORRILLA WILL KILL HIM’. BUT A MINUTE LATER PADDY WALKED BACK INTO THE BAR BRUSHED HIMSELF OFF. WIPED HIS HANDS TOGETHER, AND SAID ‘JESUS CHRIST, GIVE THESE WOGS A FUR COAT AND THEY THINK THEY OWN THE PLACE’
HEARD ABOUT THE IRISHMAN WHO….?
THE IRISH SAILOR WHO WAS SHIPWRECKED ON A DESERT ISLAND..
A LIFEBOAT WAS WASHED ASHORE SO PADDY BUILT A RAFT FROM IT.
HEARD ABOUT THE IRISH URI GELLER.?
HE RUBBED A SPOON AND BROKE THREE FINGERS.
WHAT DO YOU CALL AN IRISHMAN AT VARISTY.?
PORTER…!
AN IRISHMAN THOUGHT THAT JOHNNY CASH WAS THE CHANGE FROM A DUREX MACHINE
AFTER BRITISH RAIL ANNOUNCED THAT CYLCES CAN GO FOR FREE ON RAILWAYS AN IRISH CYCLIST WAS KNOCKED DOWN BY A TRAIN..
WHY DO THEY HAVE SO MUCH FOOD AT AN IRISH WEDDING.?
TO KEEP THE FLIES OFF THE BRIDE.
THE IRISH THIEF WHO SPENT SEVEN YEARS PLANNING THE PERFECT SMASH AND GRAB… HE WAS ARRESTED STEALING THE BRICK.
TWO IRISHMEN ARRANGE A RENDEZVOUS… ‘IF I GET THERE FIRST I’LL PUT A BRICK ON THE WALL TO SHOW I HAVE BEEN THERE, IF YOU GET THERE FIRST KNOCK THE BRICK OFF.
WHAT DO YOU CALL AN IRISH SPACEMAN.?..
A LUNARTIC.
IRISH DRUNKARD, ‘BEJASUS THIS WINE IS STRONG’. BARMAN TELLS HIM THE POPE DRINKS IT. ‘DATS WHY THEY CARRY HIM AROUND IN A CHAIR’.
COMEDIAN.. ‘I WILL NOW TELL AN IRISH JOKE’, … PADDY CALLS OUT, ‘WATCH IT COS OI’M IRISH’, COMEDIAN SAYS, ‘ALRIGHT, THEN I’LL TELL IT SLOWLY’.
TWO IRISHMEN PASS A POLICE STATION AND SEE A POSTER OUTSIDE SAYING, ‘PAKISTANI WANTED FOR RAPE’, ..’BEJASUS PADDY, DESE BLOODY FOREIGNERS GET ALL THE BEST JOBS’.
TWO IRISHMEN PASS A CANADIAN EMPLOYMENT AGENCY AND SEE A SIGN SAYING, ‘TREE FELLERS WANTED’, ‘BEJASUS PADDY, AND DERE’S ONLY TWO OF US’.
THE IRISHMAN WHO SPENT SEVEN YEARS AT UNIVERSITY AND ENDED UP WITH AN IQ EQUAL TO NONE.
IRISH BUTCHER SPENT THREE DAYS TRYING TO HANG A POUND OF MINCE-MEAT.
IRISH TADPOLE WHO GREW UP TO BE A BUTTERFLY.
IRISH CONTRACEPTIVE PILL… 6 FEET IN DIAMETER. THE WOMEN ROLL IT AGAINST THE BEDROOM DOOR.
IRISHMAN WHO TRIED UNSUCCESSFULLY TO BREED CHICKENS, HE WAS PLANTING THEM TOO FAR APART.
THE IRISHMAN WHO COULDN’T COMPLETE THE TWO PIECE JIGSAW PUZZLE BECAUSE HE LOST THE LID.
IRISH WOOD-WORM,… FOUND IN BRICK
IRISHWOMAN THAT HAD SIX KIDS, ‘WHY DON’T YOU USE THE PILL ?’ ‘I DO BUT IT KEEPS FALLING OUT’.
IRISHWOMANS PHILOSOPHY, ‘IF GOD DIDN’T MEAN US TO HAVE SO MANY CHILDREN THEN WHY DOES HE KEEP GETTING US SO DRUNK ON SATURDAY NIGHTS?’.
THE IRISH HAVE SOLVED THE UNEMPLOYMENT PROBLEM, THEY’VE RAISED THE SCHOOL LEAVING AGE TO SIXTY.
IRISH GIRL TO MOTHER, ‘IM PREGNANT’, MOTHER..’ARE YOU SURE ITS YOURS?’
TWO IRISHMEN TALKING ABOUT THEIR JOBS. ONE SAYS, ‘I HAVE A TWELVE HOUR DAY FROM 6 IN THE MORNING TO 6 AT NIGHT’. THE OTHER SAYS, ‘I HAVE A FOURTEEN HOUR DAY FROM 7 IN THE MORNING TO 7 AT NIGHT’.
IN 20 YEARS TIME THE IRISH WILL PROBABLY DECLARE WAR ON THE ENGLISH.. THEY WILL HAVE STARTED TO UNDERSTAND THE JOKES.
THE IRISHMAN IN A COMPETITION ASKED TO SPELL ‘PAINT’ ASKED, ‘EXCUSE ME SIR, BUT WHAT COLOUR IS IT?’
THE IRISHMAN WHO WORKED IN A BANANA FACTORY GOT FIRED FOR THROWING OUT ALL THE BENT ONES
THE IRISHMAN WHOSE WIFE HAD 15 CHILDREN DECIDED TO STERILISE HER SO HE BOILED HER FOR 5 MINUTES.
THE IRISHMAN WHO WAS SHOWN THE 69 POSITION BY A PROSTITUTE WHO UNFORTUNATELY BROKE WIND IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ACT. HE GOT UP AND LEFT SAYING, ‘I COULDN’T STAND ANOTHER 68 OF THOSE’
THE IRISH TRAFFIC WARDEN WHO BOOKED A STEAMROLLER FOR HAVING BALD TYRES.
THE IRISHMAN WHO WAS ASKED TO CHECK A MATES CAR INDICATORS, ‘YES THEY WORK, NO THEY DON’T, YES THEY DO, NO THEY DON’T…’
THE IRISH LORRY DRIVER WHO DIPPED HIS HEADLIGHTS IN THE LAKE.
THE IRISH LORRY DRIVER WHO DROVE HIS LORRY OVER A CLIFF TO TEST THE AIR BRAKES.
THE IRISH THUG WHO MUGGED A STREAKER
WHY DO IRISHMEN ONLY HAVE A 30 MINUTE LUNCH-BREAK ? THEY WOULD HAVE TO RETRAINED FOR THE AFTERNOONS WORK.
THE IRISHMAN OBSERVING HIS NEIGHBOUR HAVING A LOAD OF TURVES DELIVERED SAID THEY HE WISHED HE COULD AFFORD TO SEND HIS LAWN TO THE LAUNDRY
THE IRISH LETTER-BOMBER WHO PUT HIS OWN NAME AND ADDRESS ON THE BACK OF THE PARCEL, HEADED, ‘IN CASE OF NON-DELIVERY …..’.
THE IRISH COMEDIAN WHO LEFT THE STAGE BECAUSE PEOPLE KEPT LAUGHING AT HIM.
THE IRISHMAN WHO FOUND HIS WIFE IN BED WITH THE LODGER PUT A GUN TO HIS HEAD AND SAID, ‘WHAT ARE YOU LAUGHING ABOUT? YOU’RE NEXT’.
THE IRISHWOMAN WHO MOVED INTO A HIGH-RISE BLOCK OF FLATS TOOK THREE WEEKS TO SCRUB THE FRONT STEPS.
THE IRISH DOG WHO CHASED PARKED CARS.
IRISH DEODORANT.. SQUIRT INTO THE AIR AND CATCH WITH YOUR ARMPITS.
IRISH TRAFFIC EXPERIMENT PRIOR TO JOINING THE COMMON MARKET.. WE WILL DRIVE ON THE RIGHT STARTING NEXT SUNDAY. IF THE EXPERIMENT IS A SUCCESS WE WILL EXTEND IT TO INCLUDE CARS AS WELL AS BUSES AND LORRIES.
THE IRISHMAN TOLD HIS DOG MUST SHIT IN THE GUTTER FELL OFF THE ROOF HOLDING IT UP THERE.
THE IRISH MUSICAL, ‘THE STUPID PRINCE’, HE STAYED A FROG ALL HIS LIFE.
THE IRISH MOON EXPEDITION THAT DIDN’T GET OFF THE GROUND AS THEY COULDN’T FIND A MILK BOTTLE LARGE ENOUGH TO STAND THE ROCKET IN.
THE IRISH SUN EXPEDITION WHEN ASKED IF THEY WERE AFRAID THEY WOULD BURN UP SAID, ‘NO, WE’RE GOING AT NIGHT’.
THE IRISH BIONIC MAN NICNAMED ‘SCRAP’.
THE IRISH MAN WHO TOOK BACK A TIE BECAUSE IT WAS TOO TIGHT.
THE IRISHMAN WHO THOUGHT A CUBICLE WAS A SQUARE TESTICLE.
THE IRISHMAN WHO THOUGHT FUCK-ALL WAS A STATELY HOME.
THE IRISHMAN WHO TOOK HIS CAR FOR A SERVICE BUT GOT IT JAMMED BY THE FONT.
THE IRISH WATER POLO TEAM THAT HAD TO GIVE UP BECAUSE ALL THEIR HORSES DROWNED.
THE IRISHMAN ON A BUILDING SITE HAD HIS EAR KNOCKED OFF BY A FALLING BRICK. THE EAR IS FOUND BY SOMEONE ELSE, ‘IS THIS YOURS PADDY ?’ ‘NO SIR, MINE HAD A PENCIL BEHIND IT’.
HOW DO YOU GET AN IRISHMAN TO BURN HIS EARS ?
PHONE HIM WHILE HE’S IRONING.
WHAT DO YOU CALL A PREGNANT IRISHWOMAN ?
A DOPE CARRIER.
WHAT DO YOU CALL AN IRISHMAN ON A BICYCLE ?
A DOPE PEDDLER.
IRISH GOURMET SPECIALITY… SOUP IN A BASKET.
THE IRISH DRIVER WHO ROLLED FORWARD ON A HILL START.
THE IRISH FIRING SQUAD FORMED A CIRCLE.
WHAT DO CALL 144 IRISHMEN…
GROSS STUPIDITY.
WHY ARE THERE ONLY 20 HOURS IN AN IRISH DAY..
THEY DONT HAVE 24 FINGERS AND TOES.
HOW DO YOU SPOT AN IRISH FATHER CHRISTMAS..
HE’S GOT A SACK FULL OF EASTER EGGS.
FOUR PADDIES IN A CIRCLE ARRESTED SMOKING POT, POLICE SAID LATER THEY HAD SMASHED A DOPE RING.
THE IRISHMAN WHO FELL 3000 FEET DOWN A WELL.. ‘HAVE YOU BROKEN ANYTHING ?’, ‘NO SIR, THERE’S NOTHING DOWN HERE TO BREAK’.
THE IRISHMAN WHO THOUGHT PONTIUS PILATE WORKED FOR AER LINGUS.
IRISH WOMAN GAVE BIRTH TO TRIPLETS, PADDY IS LOOKING FOR THE OTHER TWO GUYS.
THE IRISHMAN WHO STOLE A CALENDER, HE GOT TWELVE MONTHS.
THE IRISHMAN WHO FELL OUT THE WINDOW IRONING HIS CURTAINS.
THE IRISHMAN WHO WENT TO THE DENTIST TO HAVE A WISDOM TOOTH PUT IN.
THE IRISHMAN WHO CRASHED HIS HELICOPTER, ‘I TURNED THE FAN OFF AS I COULDN’T STAND THE NOISE’.
THE IRISHMAN STUDYING MYTHOLOGY ASKED WHAT WAS HALF BEAST AND HALF MAN REPLIED ‘BUFFALO BILL’.
THE IRISHMAN WHO FOUND SOME MILK BOTTLES IN HEDGEROW THOUGHT HE HAD DISCOVERED A COWS NEST.
THE IRISHMAN WHO BOUGHT A PAIR OF WELLIES AND TOOK THEM BACK 3 DAYS LATER FOR A LONGER PIECE OF STRING.
THE IRISHMANS WIFE WANTED A COAT MADE OF ANIMAL SKIN SO HE BOUGHT HER A DONKEY JACKET.
THE IRISHMAN WHO IS SUING THE LOCAL BAKERY FOR UNAUTHORISED USE OF HIS SIGNATURE ON THEIR EASTER HOT-CROSS-BUNS.
WHAT DO YOU GET IF YOU CROSS AN IRISHMAN WITH A PIG ?
THICK BACON.
IRISH SUMMER FASHION… PEEP-TOED WELLIES.
IRISHMAN WHO DROVE THE KYALAMI 9 HOUR HAD 32 PIT STOPS,
1 FOR PETROL AND 31 TO ASK THE WAY.
THE IRISH GOLDFISH.. IT DROWNED.
IRISH PARACHUTE.. OPENS ON IMPACT.
TWO IRISHMEN DRIVING A CAR WITH A BOMB ON THE BACK SEAT HAVE TO BRAKE SUDDENLY AND BOMB FALLS TO THE FLOOR. ‘WHAT WOULD WE HAVE DONE IF IT HAD GONE OFF ?’, ‘IT’S OK THERE TWO MORE IN THE BOOT’.
WHAT DO YOU DO IF AN IRISHMAN THROWS A HAND-GRENADE AT YOU ?
PULL OUT THE PIN AND THROW IT BACK.
WHAT DO YOU DO IF AN IRISHMAN THROWS A PIN AT YOU ?
RUN LIKE HELL, HE’S GOT A HAND-GRENADE IS HIS MOUTH.
THE IRISHMAN WHO CAREFULLY PULLED THE PIN ON THE HAND GRENADE AND DISCOVERED HE HAD FORGOTTEN TO WIND DOWN THE WINDOW.
THE IRISHMAN WHO JUMPED OFF A HIGH BUILDING BECAUSE HE HAD HEARD THAT THEY USED TO FLY WELLINGTONS DURING THE WAR.
THE IRISHMAN THAT THOUGHT JONNY CASH WAS CHANGE FROM A DUREX MACHINE.
IRISHMAN ON BULDING SITE, ‘WHAT’S A CUBIC FOOT PADDY ?’ ‘I DON’T KNOW BUT CLAIM FOR IT ANYWAY.
IRISH DOG CHEWING A BONE WALKED AWAY ON THREE LEGS.
THE IRISH PILOT ASKED HIS HEIGHT AND POSITION REPLIED ‘SIX FOOT TWO AND SITTING IN THE FRONT’
THE IRISHMAN ASKED ‘WHERE ARE THE ANDIES’, REPLIED, ‘AT THE END OF MY ARMIES’
IRISHMAN ASKED ‘WHAT WAS GHANDI’S FIRST NAME’ REPLIED, ‘WOULD IT BE GOOSEY GOOSEY ?’
WHAT HAS AN IQ OF 143.?..
A GROSS OF IRISHMEN
WHAT HAS AN IQ OF 144.?..
DUBLIN
WHAT DO YOU CALL AN IRISHMAN WITH HALF A BRAIN.?..
GIFTED
THE IRISHMAN WHO TRIED TO ROW THE ATLANTIC SINGLE HANDED, KEPT GOING ROUND AND ROUND IN CIRCLES.
HOW DO YOU CONFUSE AN IRISHMAN ?
STAND 3 SHOVELS AGAINST THE WALL AND TELL HIM TO HIS PICK.
HOW DO YOU MAKE AN IRISHMAN DIZZY ?
STAND HIM IN A DUSTBIN AND TELL HIM TO PEE IN THE CORNER.
THE IRISHMAN WHO BROKE INTO A BETTING SHOP AND LOST TEN RAND.
THE IRISH MOTHER CONGRATULATED BY THE POPE ON HAVING 17 SONS.. ‘EVERY TIME A BOY, EH ?’ SAID THE POPE, ‘NO SIR’, SHE REPLIED ‘LOTS OF TIMES WE GOT NOTHING’
TWO IRISH QUEERS .. PATRICK FITZWILLIAM AND WILLIAM FITZPATRICK.
DEFINITION OF AN IRISHMAN.. SIMPLE MACHINE FOR CONVERTING GUINESS INTO URINE.
IRISH KAMIKAZE PILOT FLEW 3 SUCCESSFUL MISSIONS.
THE IRISH ROBIN-HOOD FIRED AN ARROW IN THE AIR AND MISSED.
WHAT DO YOU CALL AN IRISH BRAIN-SUREGEON.?..
A CHIROPODIST.
THE IRISHMAN WHO WENT TO A DRIVE IN MOVIE AND WAS SO DISGUSTED WITH THE MOVIE THAT HE SLASHED THE SEATS.
THE IRISH TAP DANCER WHO FELL INTO THE SINK.
THE IRISH MORRIS DANCER WHO FELL OFF THE BONNET.
THE IRISH SEA-SCOUT WHOSE TENT SANK.
THE IRISHMAN WHO DROWNED PUSH STARTING HIS BOAT.
COLLECTIVE NOUN FOR A GROUP OF IRISHMEN … A THICKET.
HOW DO YOU BRAIN-WASH AN IRISHMAN.?..
FILL HIS WELLIES WITH WATER.
IRISHMAN ASKED TO FETCH A WHEELBARROW CAME BACK WITH THE WHEELBARROW IN ANOTHER WHEELBARROW, ‘YOU DIDN’T EXPECT ME TO CARRY IT, DID YOU ?.
IRISHMAN ASKED TO SING A SONG. ‘TEN GREEN BOTTLES HANGING ON THE WALL, TEN GREEN BOTTLES HANGING ON THE WALL, AND IF ONE GREEN BOTTLE SHOULD ACCIDENTLY FALL, THERE’LL BE … ERRR UMMMM ERRRR, .. OH DANNY BOY….
AN IRISH TOILET ROLL HAS INSTRUCTIONS PRINTED ON EVERY SHEET.
THE IRISH PARACHUTIST WHO GOT LOST ON THE WAY DOWN.
HEARD ABOUT THE IRISHMAN WHO BOUGHT A PAPER SHOP…?
THE WIND BLEW IT AWAY.
HEARD ABOUT THE IRISHMAN WHO PICKED HIS NOSE…?
AND HIS HEAD CAVED IN
THE IRISHMAN DROVE HIS NEW LORRY OVER A CLIFF TO TEST THE AIR BRAKES
THE IRISHMAN WENT TO THE DENTIST TO HAVE A WISDOM TOOTH PUT IN
WHEN THE IRIAHMAN WAS BURIED AT SEA FOUR OF HIS MATES DROWNED DIGGING THE HOLE
HEARD ABOUT THE IRISHMAN WHO…? WHEN ASKED WHETHER HE HAD COME FROM IRELAND TO THE UK BY PLANE OR BOAT REPLIED THAT HE DIDN’T KNOW AS HIS WIFE HAD BOUGHT THE TICKETS
HEARD ABOUT THE IRISHMAN WHO…? WHEN ASKED TO WHERE DID HE REQUIRE THE RETURN TICKET HE HAD ASKED FOR REPLIED ‘BACK HERE OF COURSE’
THE IRISHMAN WAS GIVEN A PAIR OF WATER SKIS FOR CHRISTMAS AND IS STILL LOOKING FOR A SLOPING LAKE
HEARD ABOUT THE IRISHMAN WHO WENT TO MASS. WELL HALF WAY THROUGH THE SERVICE THE PRIEST SUDDENLY ASKED THE CONGREGATION ‘WILL ALL THOSE GOOD PEOPLE WHO WOULD LIKE TO GO TO HEAVEN PLEASE STAND UP’.
WHERE UPON THE WHOLE CONGREGATION STOOD UP.
‘THAT’S VERY NICE TO SEE’ SAID THE PRIEST STANDING AT THE PULPIT
‘YOU MAY ALL SIT DOWN NOW’.
‘AND NOW’ HE CONTINUED ‘IF THERE’S ANYONE HERE WHO WOULD LIKE TO GO TO HELL WILL YOU PLEASE STAND UP’.
EVERYBODY REMAINED SEATED.
‘IS THERE NOBODY HERE WHO WOULD LIKE TO GO TO HELL’ HE ASKED AGAIN. WHEREUPON PADDY SITTING IN THE BACK PEW STOOD UP.
‘THIS IS TERRIBLE PADDY’ THE PRIEST SAID ‘YOU MEAN YOU REALLY WANT TO GO TO HELL’
‘WELL NOT REALLY’ PADDY REPLIED ‘YOU SEE I DIDN’T LIKE TO SEE YOU STANDING THERE ALL BY YOURSELF’.
HEARD ABOUT THE IRISHMAN WHO….?
SAID TO HIS MATE ‘IT SAYS IN THIS PAPER THAT DURING YOUR WHOLE LIFE YOU NEVER USE MORE THAN ONE THIRD OF YOUR BRAIN’
‘IS THAT SO’ SAID HIS FRIEND
‘AND WHAT HAPPENS TO THE OTHER THIRD ?’
WHY IS SEMEN WHITE AND URINE YELLOW ?
SO AN IRISHMAN KNOWS WHETHER HE IS COMING OR GOING.
WHAT’S WRITTEN ON THE BOTTOM OF A GUINESS BOTTLE ?
‘OPEN OTHER END’
WHAT’S WRITTEN ON THE TOP OF A GUINESS BOTTLE ?
‘SEE OTHER END FOR INSTRUCTIONS’
HEARD ABOUT THE IRISHMAN WHO….?
WENT IN TO THE DOCTOR WITH HIS EARS BLEEDING AND FEET BANDAGED ?
SAID HE JUST BOUGHT A CAN OF BEANS AND ON THE LABEL IT HAD SAID ‘PIERCE ‘EAR AND STAND IN BOILING WATER’
HEARD ABOUT THE IRISHMEN WHO….?
CRASH LANDED ON THE SAHARA DESERT AND ONE TURNED TO OTHER AND SAID, WE’D BETTER GET OUT OF HERE FAST PADDY, BEFORE THEY DELIVER THE CEMENT.
HEARD ABOUT THE LATEST IRISH ATTEMPT TO PUT A MAN ON THE MOON ?
IT FAILED WHEN THEY RAN OUT OF SCAFFOLDING
WHY DID THE IRISH GET ALL THE POTATOES AND THE ARABS GET ALL THE OIL ?
BECAUSE THE IRISH HAD FIRST CHOICE.
PADDY AND MURPHY WERE FLYING TO DUBLIN TOGETHER WHEN OVER THE INTERCOM THE CAPTAIN ANNOUNCED,
‘SORRY LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, BUT ONE OF THE ENGINES JUST STOPPED’.
‘THERE’S NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT BUT WE WILL BE ABOUT HALF AN HOUR LATE GETTING TO DUBLIN’
PADDY LOOOKED AT MURPHY BUT THEY BOTH SAID NOTHING. A LITTLE LATER THE INTERCOM CRACKLED AGAIN,
‘SORRY LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, BUT A SECOND ENGINE HAS JUST STOPPED’.
‘THERE’S NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT BUT WE WILL BE ABOUT ONE HOUR LATE GETTING TO DUBLIN’
PADDY LOOOKED AT MURPHY BUT THEY BOTH SAID NOTHING. ONCE AGAIN A FEW MINUTES LATER, AGAIN THE INTERCOM CAME TO LIFE,
‘SORRY LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, BUT A THIRD ENGINE HAS JUST STOPPED’.
‘THERE’S NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT BUT WE WILL BE ABOUT FOUR HOURS LATE GETTING TO DUBLIN’
PADDY LOOOKED AT MURPHY AND AT LAST SAID,
‘CHRIST, IF THE FOURTH ENGINE GOES WE’LL BE UP HERE FOREVER’
HOW DO YOU SPOT THE IRISHMEN ON AN OIL RIG ?
THEY’RE THE MEN THROWING BREAD TO THE HELICOPTERS
HEARD ABOUT THE IRISHMAN WHO….?
CAME INTO WORK ONE MORNING WITH HIS FACE SCRATCHED TO BUGGERY ?
SEEMS HE HAD TRYING TO USE A KNIFE AND FORK ON SUNDAY.
HEARD ABOUT THE IRISHMAN WHO….?
THOUGHT LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD WAS A FRENCH LETTER.
HOW DO YOU SPOT AN IRISH BANK MANAGER ?
HE’S THE MAN WEARING A PIN-STRIPE DONKEY JACKET
WHAT’S BLACK AND CRINKLED AND HANGS FROM THE CEILING ?
AN IRISH ELECTRICIAN.
WHAT’S WRITTEN AT THE TOP OF AN IRISH LADDER ?
STOP.
HEARD ABOUT THE IRISH GODFATHER WHO….?
WOULD MAKE YOU AN OFFER YOU CANT UNDERSTAND
HOW MANY IRISHMEN REQUIRED TO SCREW A SCREW INTO A WALL ?
FIVE : 1 TO HOLD THE SCREW AND 4 TO TURN THE WALL.
HEARD ABOUT THE IRISH DIVER WHO…? WAS WALKING ABOUT ON THE SEABED WHEN HE GOT AN URGENT MESSAGE FROM THE SHIP: ‘YOU BETTER COME UP QUICKLY, PADDY, THE SHIP IS SINKING’.
HEARD ABOUT THE IRISH CONSTABLE WHO…? WAS PROMOTED TO SERGEANT FROM A CLASS OF TWO HUNDRED. EACH ONE WAS ASKED ONLY ONE QUESTION: HOW MUCH IS SIX TIMES SEVEN? PADDY GOT PROMOTED BECAUSE HE SAID FORTY-THREE. HE WAS THE CLOSEST.
A VENTRILOQUIST WAS GIVING A SHOW.
HE HAD THE PUPPET ON HIS LAP, AND WAS TELLING IRISH JOKES. AFTER A WHILE, PADDY JUMPED UP AT THE BACK OF THE HALL AND SAID:
‘IF YOU TELL ONE MORE IRISH JOKE, I’LL FUCK YOU UP.
I AM IRISH, AND PROUD OF IT’.
SO THE VENTRILOQUIST STARTED TO APOLOGISE, BUT PADDY INTERRUPTED:
‘I’M NOT TALKING TO YOU, I’M TALKING TO THAT CHEEKY LITTLE FUCKER ON YOUR LAP’.
HEARD ABOUT THE IRISHMAN WHO WALKED INTO A BAR WITH A PIG UNDER HIS ARM ?
THE BARMAN SAID TO HIM,
‘WHERE DID YOU GET THAT ?’
AND THE PIG REPLIED, ‘I WON HIM IN A RAFFLE’.
HEAR THE ONE ABOUT THE IRISHMAN WHO GAVE HIS WIFE A VIBRATOR FOR CHRISTMAS AND SHE BROKE THREE TEETH ON IT ?
WHAT IS THE SIMILARITY BETWEEN A USED FL AND A IRISH SUBMARINE?
THEY”RE BOTH FULL OF USELESS SEMEN.
PADDY CAME OVER FROM IRELAND TO FIND A JOB AND LANDED IN LIVERPOOL EARLY ONE EVENING. HIS FIRST IDEA WAS TO GO TO MANCHESTER TO LOOK UP MICHAEL, AN OLD FRIEND OF HIS. BECAUSE THE TWO TOWNS ARE NOT FAR APART HE TOOK A TAXI BUT JUST SAT IN THE BACK SEAT STARING AHEAD OF HIM. THE TAXI DRIVER FELY SORRY FOR PADDY AND BY WAY OF BREAKING THE SILENCE HE ASKED,
‘PADDY, DO YOU LIKE RIDDLES?’
THERE WAS A PAUSE AS PADDY REPEATED THE WORD ‘RIDDLES’ SEVERAL TIMES TRYING TO REMEMBER WHAT THEY WERE. AT LAST HE SAID,
‘OH YES, RIDDLES, I LIKE RIDDLES’.
‘GOOD’, SAID THE TAXI-DRIVER, ‘TRY THIS ONE…’
‘BROTHERS AND SISTERS HAVE I NONE,’
‘BUT THIS MANS FATHER IS MY FATHERS SON,’
‘…. WHO IS IT ?’
WELL PADDY THOUGHT OUT LOUD FOR SEVERAL MINUTES AND FINALLY SAID,
‘NO, I GIVE UP. WHO IS IT?’
‘ITS ME’, SAID THE TAXI-DRIVER, ‘THINK ABOUT IT CAREFULLY’,.
AND THEN HE GAVE UP, AND THE REST OF THE JOURNEY WAS IN SILENCE. WHEN PADDY GOT TO MANCHESTER HE WENT OUT TO THE PUB WITH HIS FRIEND MICHAEL AND THEY BOTH SAT THERE STARING AT EACH OTHER OVER PINTS OF BEER. AFTER A LONG WHILE PADDYS EYES LIT UP AND HE SAID,
‘MICHAEL, DO YOU LIKE RIDDLES?’
THERE WAS A SIMILAR PAUSE AS MICHAEL REPEATED THE WORD ‘RIDDLES’ SEVERAL TIMES TRYING TO REMEMBER WHAT THEY WERE. EVENTUALLY HE SAID, ‘OH YES, RIDDLES, I LIKE RIDDLES’.
‘GOOD’, SAID PADDY, ‘THEN TRY THIS ONE…’
‘BROTHERS AND SISTERS HAVE I NONE,’
‘BUT THIS MANS FATHER IS MY FATHERS SON,’
‘…. WHO IS IT ?’
WELL MICHAEL ALSO THOUGHT OUT LOUD FOR SEVERAL MINUTES AND FINALLY SAID, ‘NO, I GIVE UP. WHO IS IT?’
‘ITS EASY’ SAID PADDY,
‘IT’S A TAXI-DRIVER FROM LIVERPOOL’
AN ENGLISHMAN, A SCOTSMAN AND AN IRISHMAN WERE SENTENCED TO HAVE THEIR HEADS CHOPPED OFF UNDER THE GUILLOTINE. THE ENGLISHMAN WENT FIRST AND LAY DOWN OVER THE BLOCK. THE ROPE WAS PULLED AND THE BLADE HURTLED DOWN BUT JAMMED TO A STOP ONLY HALF AN INCH FROM HIS NECK.
‘MADRE DOS DIOS’, GASPED THE EXECUTIONER, ‘IN FRENCH LAW ‘YOU HAVE ESCAPED THE KISS OF DEATH FROM MADAME GULLOTINE ‘AND SO YOU MAY GO A FREE MAN’.
THE ENGLISHMAN STUMBLED AWAY GASPING HIS RELIEF.
THE SCOTSMAN WAS NEXT AND EXACTLY THE SAME THING HAPPENED, THE BLADE JAMMED ONLY HALF AN INCH FROM HIS NECK.
‘MADRE DOS DIOS’, GASPED THE EXECUTIONER AGAIN, ‘IN FRENCH LAW ‘YOU HAVE ESCAPED THE KISS OF DEATH FROM MADAME GULLOTINE ‘AND SO YOU ALSO MAY GO A FREE MAN’.
THE SCOTSMAN STUMBLED AWAY TO JOIN THE ENGLISHMAN.
THE IRISHMAN NOW MOUNTED THE PLATFORM AND LAY ON THE BLOCK. AGAIN THE BLADE WHISTLED DOWN BUT STOPPED JUST SHORT OF HIS NECK. THE IRISHMAN SQUIRMED AROUND AND LOOKED UP AT THE BLADE SAYING,
‘ITS ALRIGHT, I THINK I CAN SEE WHAT THE PROBLEM IS’.
WHAT IS THE DEFINITION OF AN IRISH MIXED-GRILL.?
MASHED POTATOES,ROAST POTATOES,BOILED POTATOES AND CHIPS..
TWO IRISH MEN WERE WALKING DOWN THE ROAD IN SCOTLAND WHEN THEY HAPPENED UPON TWO SCOTS CARRYING A HUGE SALMON BETWEEN THEM..!
“WHERE DID YOU GET DAT”,SAID PADDY.
“WEEL JUST GAI DOON TOO THE BRIDGE AND HANG OVER THE SIDE UNTIL THE SALMON COMES ALONG,TICKLE IT UNDER ITS BELLY THEN YOU CAN PULL IT OUT”.
SO PADDY AND MURPHY WENT DOWN TO THE BRIDGE WHICH WAS QUITE HIGH . SO MURPHY HELD PADDY’S ANKLES WHILE PADDY HUNG DOWN WAITING FOR THE SALMON. TWO HOURS LATER PADDY SHOUTED,
“PULL ME UP QUICK”
“WHY”, ASKED MURPHY ,”HAVE YOU GOT A SALMON.?”
“NO”, SAID PADDY ,”BUT THERES A BLOODY TRAIN COMING….”
SHAMUS WALKS INTO A PUB AND SEES HIS MATE PAT STANDING AT THE BAR WITH A SACK OVER HIS SHOULDER.
“PATRICK” HE ASKS “WHAT’S IN THE SACK?”.
“SOME DUCKS” SAYS PAT “AND IF YOU CAN GUESS HOW MANY,I’LL GIVE YOU BOTH OF THEM”.
SHAMUS SAID “THREE!”
HEARD ABOUT THE IRISHMAN WHO WAS DOING A CROSSWORD ?
SEAN : ” THIS IS A DIFFICULT ONE,PAT.IT’S GOT FOUR LETTERS AND IT SAYS OLD MACDONALD HAD ONE.WHAT IS IT ? “.
PAT : ” DATS EASY,IT’S A FARM “.
SEAN : ” HOW DO YOU SPELL IT ? “.
PAT : ” E – I – E – I – O “.
WHAT DO YOU CALL AN IRISHMAN WHO HAS 1500 GIRL FRIENDS.?
A SHEPPARD.!
HEARD ABOUT THE IRISH DRACULA ?
HE BIT VICTORIA PRINCIPAL ON THE NECK.
TWO PERSPIRING IRISHMEN ON A TANDEM BICYCLE AT LAST REACHED THE TOP TOP OF A STEEP HILL.
“THAT WAS A STIFF CLIMB, PADDY,” SAID ONE.
“IT WAS THAT”, REPLIED PADDY, “AND IF I HADN’T KEPT THE BRAKE NO WE WOULD HAVE GONE BACKWARDS, TO BE SURE”.
WHAT DO YOU PAY AN IRISHMAN FOR CLEANING THE TOILETS ON SUNDAY.?
TOIME AND A TURD..!
THE IRISHMAN BOUGHT A BLACK AND WHITE DOG AS HE THOUGHT THE LICENCE WOULD BE CHEAPER.
DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE IRISHMAN WHO THOUGHT THAT SHERLOCK HOLMES WAS A BLOCK OF FLATS.
THE FIRE ENGINE CAREERED AROUND THE CORNER AND SPED OFF UP THE ROAD WITH ITS BELLS CLANGING JUST AS PADDY STAGGERED DRUNKENLY OUT OF THE PUB. HE PROMPTLY CHASED AFTER THE FLEEING FIRE ENGINE BUT SOON COLLAPSED EXHAUSTED AFTER ABOUT A HUNDRED YARDS.
‘ALL RIGHT’, HE SHOUTED FROM THE PAVEMENT,
‘YOU CAN KEEP YOUR BLOODY ICE-CREAM’.