Italian jokes

WHY DID GOD MAKE URINE YELLOW AND COME WHITE…?
SO THAT THE ITALIANS CAN TELL IF THE ARE COMING OR GOING…?

WHY DON’T ITALIANS EAT FLEAS…?
BECAUSE THEY CAN’T GET THEIR LITTLE LEGS APART…

WHY DON’T ITALIANS HAVE FRECKLES…?
THEY SLIDE OFF…!

WHAT DO YOU CALL AN ITALIAN WITH IQ OF 180…?
SICILY…!

WHAT IS THE NATIONAL BIRD OF ITALY ?
THE FLY…

WHAT IS THE DIFERENCE BETWEEN AN ITALIAN WOMAN AND A ELEPHANT.?
A COUPLE OF POUNDS…!

WHAT IS THE SMALLEST REGIMENT IN THE ITALIAN ARMY.?
THE 1ST VOLUNTEERS..!

WHY DO ITALIANS CARRY GARBAGE IN THEIR POCKETS.?
FOR IDENTIFICATION…!

HOW DO YOU GIVE YOUR CAR A GREASE-UP AND AN OIL CHANGE.?
RUN OVER AN ITALIAN…!

HOW DO YOU TELL WHEN AN ITALIAN HAS DROWNED AT THE SEASIDE.?
BY THE OIL SLICK ON THE WATER…!

HOW DO YOU KILL AN ITALIAN.?
SMASH THE TOILET SEAT DOWN ON HIS HEAD WHILE HE’S EATING…!

HOW CAN YOU TELL THE DIFERENCE BETWEEN ITALIAN SEWERS AND OURS.?
ITALIAN SEWERS HAVE DIVING BOARDS…!

WHAT IS A MAN WITH HIS HANDS IN THE AIR.?
AN ITALIAN COMMANDO TRAINING FOR WORLD WAR III…!

HOW DO YOU CLEAN UP AFTER AN ITALIAN WEDDING.?
FLUSH THE PUNCH-BOWL…!

HOW DO RECOGNISE AN ITALIAN TANK ..?
IT HAS ONE FORWRD AND NINE REVERSE GEARS (THE FORWARD GEAR IS IN CASE OF A REAR ATTACK…!)

WHY ARE THERE HOLES IN AN ITALIAN’S COFFIN..?
SO THAT THE WORMS CAN GET OUT AND PUKE…!

WHAT IS IT THE ITALIAN’S HATE ABOUT SHIT SANDWICHES..?
THE BREAD…!

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN AN ITALIAN HOUSE-WIFE DOESN’T PAY THE GARBAGE BILL?
THEY DON’T SEND HER ANYMORE.

WHAT DID THE ITALIAN HOUSE-WIFE SAY TO THE GARBAGE MAN ?
TWO BINS PLEASE.

HOW DO YOU GET AN ITALIAN GIRL PREGNANT ?
COME IN HER SHOES AND LET THE FLIES DO THE REST.

HOW DO YOU TELL IF IT’S AND ALITALIA AEROPLANE.?
BY THE HAIRS UNDER IT’S WINGS.!

LUIGI : ” TELL ME MARIO , WOULD YOU MAKEA DA LOVE TO A WOMAN THATA WEIGHS 350 POUNDSA , HASA TERRIBLE SKINA PROBLEM , STINKA LIKA PIGA AND DOESN’TA KNOW WHATA SOAPA ISA ? ”
MARIO : ” NO , I WOULD NEVERA MAKA DA LOVE WID A WOMANA LIKA DAT.”
LUIGI : ” THEN WHY YOU SCREWA MY WIFE ? ”

WHAT DOES AN ITALIAN PROSTITUTE GIVE HER DAUGHTER FOR HER SIXTEENTH BIRTHDAY ?
THE OTHER SIDE OF THE STREET.

THE WORLD’S THINNEST BOOK :
ITALIAN BOOK OF WAR HEROES.

THE WORLD’S THICKEST BOOK :
ITALIAN BOOK OF VICTORY SPEECHES.

Germans vs italians

Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border. An Italian police officer stops them and says: “Itsa illegala to putta five-a people in a Quattro!”

“Vot do you mean, it’s illegal?” the German driver asks.

“Quattro means four!” the policeman answers.

“Quattro iz just ze name of ze fokken automobile” the German shouts
…”Look at ze dam paperz: Ze car is dezigned to carry 5 people!”

“You canta pulla thata one on me!” says the Italian policeman.

“Quattro meansa four. You havea five-a people ina your car and you are therefore breaking the law!”

The German driver gets mad and shouts “You ideeiot! Call ze zupervizor over! Schnell! I vant to spik to zumvun viz more intelligence!!!”

“Sorry” the Italian says, “He canta comea. He’sa buzy with a two guys in a
Fiat Uno.”

I wanta shit in my bed

The Manager
Y.M.C.A.-Hotel
LONDON

Roma 28 sept. 1981

Dear Signore Direttore,

Noew I am tella you story wot I was a-treated at jour hotella.

I am a-comma from Roma as tourist to London and stay as a-younga christian man at your hotella.

When I comma in my room I see there is no shit in my bed – how can I sleep with no shit in my bed? So I calla down to receptione and tella.

“I wanta shit”. They tella me:

“Go to toilet”. I say:

“No, no I wanta shit in my bed”. They say:

“You’d better not shit in your bed, you sonna-wa-bitch”.

What is sonna-wa-bitch?

I go down for breakfast into restorante. I order bacon and egga and two pissis of toast. I getta only one piss of toast. I tella waitress, and point at toast: “I wanta piss”. She tella me:

“Go to toilet”. I say:

“No, no I wanta piss on my plate”. She then say to me:

“You’d bloody wella not piss on the plate, you sonna-wa-bitch”.

That is the second person who do not even know me calla me “sonna-wa-bitch”, and why is your staff replying “Go to toilet”, is that a modern tella? I do no understand, please tella me!

Later I go for dinner in your restorante. Spoon and knife is laid out, but no fock. I tella waitress:

“I wanta fock”. And she tella me:

“Sure, everyone wanta fock”. I tella her:

“No, no you don’t understanda me, I wanta fock on the table”. She tella me:

“So you sonna-wa-bitch wanta fock on the table? Get your ass out of here!”

How comma this christian hotell tella the guest in such bed manner?

So I go to receptione and ask for bill. I no wanta stay in this hotel no more. When I have paid the a-billa the portier say to me:

“Thank you, and piss on You”. I say:

“Piss on you too, you sonna-wa-bitch, I now go back to Italy”.

Direttore, I never gonna stay in your hotella no more, you sonna-wa-bitch.

Sincerely
Dicci Elgré