Hørt i retten:
– De er anklaget for at have kastet Deres kollega ned fra et stillads.
– Ja, hr. dommer. Men han bad selv om det.
– Hvad mener De?
– Jo, vi blev uvenner, og så tog jeg ham i kraven og holdt ham ud fra stilladset,
og så råbte han: “Slip mig”. Det gjorde jeg så.

En dreng var i retten fordi hans forældre skulle skilles.
Nå, vil du så bo ved din far lille dreng ? spørger dommeren
Nej for han slår, svarer drengen.
Nå men vil du så bo hos din mor ? spørger dommeren
Nej for hun slår også, svarer drengen igen.
Hvem vil du så bo hos, spørger dommeren så.
FCK svarer drengen.
Hvorfor ? spørger dommeren.
Fordi FCK ikk slår nogen. svarer DRENGEN..

Anklageren til vidnet: – “Og hvad sagde anklagede så til dig?”
– “Han sagde at hvis jeg ikke gav ham mine penge, ville han slå mig ihjel.”
– “Gav du ham dine penge?”
– “Nej, naturligvis ikke.”
– “Gjorde han derefter alvor af sin trussel?”

Vidste du at de i USA netop er begyndt at anvende advokater til test af ny medicin i stedet for rotter?!
Nej, hvorfor?
Der er masser af dem, og man bliver ikke så let knyttet følelsesmæssigt til dem!

En fyr sidder på sin advokats kontor, da advokaten har noget at fortælle ham.
Han spørger, om fyren vil have den dårlige eller den frygtelige nyhed først. Fyren vil helst høre den dårlige nyhed.
“Udmærket,” siger advokaten, “din kone har fundet et fotografi, der er 3 mio. kr. værd.”
“Er det en dårlig nyhed,” vil fyren vide, “så vil jeg gerne høre den frygtelige.”
“Den frygtelige nyhed er, at fotografiet er af dig og din sekretær.”

A very rich man, who was very close to his money, got together with his closest friends one day, who happened to be a Priest, a Doctor, and a Lawyer (or course.)

The Rich Man was very old, and getting older, and was thinking about his approaching death. He told his three friends this, and asked them to do a favor for him when he died.

“Here are three envelopes, each contain $100,000, one for each of you. I don’t wish to go to the afterlife without my money. Please, when I am buried, would each of you throw your envelopes into the grave on top of my coffin?”

The three friends agreed, and took the envelopes.

Sure enough (of course) the Rich Man died. At his funeral, the Doctor, the Priest and the Lawyer threw their envelopes on his coffin.

As they were leaving the funeral, the Priest said to the others, “I have a confession to make. The church needed a new altar badly, so I . . . I took $5000 to buy it,” and looked at his feet.

The Doctor said, “Well, since you’ve admitted it, I too must confess that I took the money. The children’s hospital where I work needed a new, expensive X-ray machine, so I took $30,000 to buy it.”

The Doctor and the Priest both turned to the lawyer, expecting a similar confession. Instead, he said “Oh, now, I didn’t take any of the money. I put a check for the entire $100,000 in the envelope!”

——————————————————————————–
What’s the difference between a dead rattlesnake on the road and a dead lawyer on the road?

There are no skid-marks in front of the lawyer.

——————————————————————————–
Why is it that so many lawyers have broken noses?
From chasing parked ambulances.

——————————————————————————–
Where can you find a good lawyer?
In the cemetery

——————————————————————————–
What’s the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
A gigolo only screws one person at a time.

——————————————————————————–
What’s the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A vampire only sucks blood at night.

——————————————————————————–
A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living.

“Tim, you be first,” she said. “What does your mother do all day?” Tim stood up and proudly said, “She’s a doctor.”

“That’s wonderful. How about you, Amie?” Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, “My father is a mailman.”

“Thank you, Amie,” said the teacher. “What about your father, Billy?” Billy proudly stood up and announced, “My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse.”

The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day, she went to Billy’s house and rang the bell. Billy’s father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation.

Billy’s father said, “I’m actually an attorney. But how can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?”

——————————————————————————–
The scene is heaven, with three men standing at the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter says to the first man, “Let’s see, you’re Mr. Jones, the engineer. We’ve been expecting you. Please follow me.” Saint Peter leads him down a hall to a door marked #101.

“This is where you’ll be staying Mr. Jones,” says Saint Peter as he opens the door. Inside is a dark, dank, cold, musty room. Water is dripping from the rocklike walls where torture equipment is hanging. Chained to the center of the floor is a growling, fierce-looking dog.

Mr. Jones steps in and a loud voice cries out from above,
“Mr.Jones! You have sinned!”

Saint Peter closes the door and returns to the remaining two men waiting at the entrance gate.

“And you are Mr. Smith, the doctor”, Saint Peters addresses the second man. “You are in room 102. Please follow me.” Once again when the door is opened this room is dark and dank, water dripping down the walls with horrible torture equipment hanging everywhere, and a growling, snarling dog chained to the center of the floor.

As Mr. Smith steps in, a voice from above cries,
“Mr. Smith! You have sinned!”

Saint Peter closes the door and returns to the last man waiting at the entrance gate.

“And you must be Mr. Brown, the lawyer. We have been waiting for you. You are in room number 103. Please follow me.” When they get to room #103, Saint Peter opens the door to reveal another dark, musty, gloomy room with torture equipment hanging from the water dripping walls.

But in the center of the room stands Bo Derek. As the lawyer steps in the room the voice cries out,
“Bo Derek! You have sinned!”

——————————————————————————–
The lawyer died. Having not lived an all-that-honest life he found himself at the gates of Hell. “Welcome to Hell” announced the Devil greeting him warmly. “Glad you could join us. As your last taste of free will, you are allowed to choose which of three possible places that you will spend the rest of eternity.”

There were three doors behind the Devil. He opened the first door. Flames shot into the room and the lawyer could see thousands of people amidst the fire. “No” said the lawyer. “Not this one.”

The Devil opened the second door. The lawyer could see thousands of people slaving away at a large rockpile. They were all being whipped as they hammered the large boulders into smaller boulders. “No” again said the lawyer.

Finally, the devil opened up that last door which showed thousands of people in a incredibly large lake with vomit up to their chins. All of them were chanting ‘Don’t make waves, don’t make waves…’ “That’s awful!!” commented the lawyer in repulsion.

“You think that’s bad?” asked the devil, “you should see it when the angels spend the weekend here with their motorboats!”

——————————————————————————–
The Pope died and went to heaven. When he got there, he found a lawyer in line in front of him at the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter came over and told the Pope, “Just a minute, I’ll be right back”.

At that, Saint Peter took the lawyer away.

When Saint Peter came back, he told the Pope, “Follow me to your new quarters.” Along the way they passed many people in their heavenly abodes, and they happened to pass by the quarters of the lawyer who had preceded Saint Peter through the Pearly Gates. The Pope was awe-struck by the opulence and splendor of the lawyer’s quarters. There were fine silks, rare foods and drinks, soft music, and attractive young women to serve him for eternity.

Saint Peter and the Pope finally arrived at the Pope’s new quarters. The Pope looked in and saw a 6 foot by 9 foot room with bare walls, a plain bed and a Bible for entertainment. The Pope said, “I don’t want to sound ungrateful, but I am wondering why the lawyer gets such a magnificent room and I get this small room.

Saint Peter said, “Well, you see, we have a great many popes here in heaven, but only ONE lawyer.”

——————————————————————————–
How do you save a drowning lawyer?
Throw him a rock.

——————————————————————————–
Person 1: Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
Person 2: No.
Person 1: GOOD!

——————————————————————————–
A rabbi, a priest, and a lawyer were all caught in a shipwreck. Naturally, there are a lot of sharks circling around. All of a sudden, one shark darts in and grabs the priest for lunch. No more priest.

The rabbi starts praying frantically, but to no avail, as a shark comes in and eats him, too.

Now the lawyer is really worried, as a shark is coming for him. But, miracle of miracles, the shark puts him on its back, carries him to shore, and lets him off.

The lawyer, curious, waits till the shark is far enough away not to eat him, and asks, “How come you didn’t eat me?” And the shark replies, “Professional Courtesy!”

——————————————————————————–
Hildago was defeated at Guadalajara. The rebel army was captured on is way through the mountains. All were court martialed and shot, except Hildago, because he was a priest. He was handed over to the bishop of Durango who excommunicated him and returned him to the army where he was then executed.

——————————————————————————–
It had to happen sooner or later. Lawyer Dobbins was wheeled into the emergency room on a stretcher, rolling his head in agony. Doctor Green came over to see him.

“Dobbins,” he said, “What an honor. The last time I saw you was in court when you accused me of malpractice.”

“Doc. Doc. My side is on fire. The pain is right here. What could it be?”

“How would I know? You told the jury I wasn’t fit to be a doctor.”

“I was only kidding, Doc. When you represent a client you don’t know what you’re saying. Could I be passing a kidney stone?”

“Your diagnosis is as good as mine.”

“What are you talking about?”

“When you questioned me on the stand you indicated you knew everything there was to know about the practice of medicine.”

“Doc, I’m climbing the wall. Give me something.”

“Let’s say I give you something for a kidney stone and it turns out to be a gallstone. Who is going to pay for my court costs?”

“I’ll sign a paper that I won’t sue.”

“Can I read to you from the transcript of the trial? Lawyer Dobbins: ‘Why were you so sure that my client had tennis elbow?’ Dr. Green: ‘I’ve treated hundreds of people with tennis elbow and I know it when I see it.’ Dobbins: ‘It never occurred to you my client could have an Excedrin headache?’ Green: ‘No, there were no signs of an Excedrin headache.’ Dobbins: ‘You and your ilk make me sick.’ ”

“Why are you reading that to me?”

“Because, Dobbins, since the trial I’ve lost confidence in making a diagnosis. A lady cane in the other day limping …”

“Please, Doc, I don’t want to hear it now. Give me some Demerol.”

“You said during the suit that I dispensed drugs like a drunken sailor. I’ve changed my ways, Dobbins. I don’t prescribe drugs anymore.”
“Then get me another doctor.”

“There are no other doctors on duty. The reason I’m here is that after the malpractice suit the sheriff seized everything in my office. This is the only place that I can practice.”

“If you give me something to relieve the pain I will personally appeal your case to a higher court.”

“You know, Dobbins, I was sure that you were a prime candidate for a kidney stone.”

“You can’t tell a man is a candidate for a kidney stone just by looking at him.”

“That’s what you think, Dobbins. You had so much acid in you when you addressed the jury I knew some of it eventually had to crystallize into stones. Remember on the third day when you called me the ‘Butcher of Operating Room 6′? That afternoon I said to my wife, “That man is going to be in a lot of pain.’ ”

“Okay, Doc, you’ve had your ounce of flesh. Can I now have my ounce of Demerol?”

“I better check you out first.”

“Don’t check me out, just give the dope.”

“But in court the first question you asked me was if I had examined the patient completely. It would be negligent of me if I didn’t do it now. Do you mind getting up on the scale?”

“What for?”

“To find out your height. I have to be prepared in case I get sued and the lawyer asks me if I knew how tall you were.”

“I’m not going to sue you.”

“You say that now. But how can I be sure you won’t file a writ after you pass the kidney stone?”

——————————————————————————–
A certain lawyer was quite wealthy and had a summer house in the country, to which he retreated for several weeks of the year. Each summer, the lawyer would invite a different friend of his (no, that’s not the punch line) to spend a week or two up at this place, which happened to be in a backwoods section of Maine.

On one particular occasion, he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him. The friend, eager to get a freebie off a lawyer, agreed.
Well, they had a splendid time in the country – rising early and living in the great outdoors.

Early one morning, the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian companion went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast. As they went around the berry patch, gathering blueberries and raspberries in tremendous quantities, along came two huge Bears – a male and a female.

Well, the lawyer, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for cover. His friend, though, wasn’t so lucky, and the male bear reached him and swallowed him whole.

The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes, tore into town as fast has he could, and got the local backwoods sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his shotgun and dashed back to the berry patch with the lawyer.

Sure enough, the two bears were still there.

“He’s in THAT one!” cried the lawyer, pointing to the male, while visions of lawsuits from his friend’s family danced in his head. He just had to save his friend.

The sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting an eye, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and SHOT THE FEMALE.

“Whatdya do that for!” exclaimed the lawyer, “I said he was in the other!”

“Exactly,” replied the sheriff, “and would YOU believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the Male?”

——————————————————————————–
Saint Peter was having a slow day at the Pearly Gates so he took a little stroll. He noticed that the fence between heaven and hell was in need of some repair. So he hollers over the fence to Lucifer.

Saint Peter: “This fence needs some repair. I’ll see to it that it gets fixed if you will help pay for it.”

Lucifer: “If you want it fixed, you pay for it.”

Saint Peter: “The fence is partly your responsibility and you will help pay for it or I will sue you for that amount.”

Lucifer: “Ha!! Where do you think you are going to get a lawyer?!”

——————————————————————————–
A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, “Do you serve lawyers here?”

“Sure do,” replied the bartender.

“Good,” said the man. “Give me a beer, and I’ll have a lawyer for my ‘gator.”

——————————————————————————–
A hindu, a rabbi, and a lawyer are traveling together and need to stop for the night. So they stop at the next farmhouse, and find lodging, with the qualification that the house is only big enough for two of them, and one will have to sleep in the barn. So the hindu volunteers and goes out to sleep in the barn while the lawyer and rabbi sleep in the house.

A few minutes later, however, the lawyer and rabbi hear a knock on the door, and opening it, find the hindu who protests “There is a cow in the barn. Surely you can’t expect me to sleep with cattle.” So the rabbi and the lawyer agree that perhaps the rabbi should trade places with the hindu, and the rabbi goes out.

Within a short time, the hindu and the lawyer are getting ready to go to sleep, when again there is a knock on the door. Opening the door they find the rabbi protesting, “There is a pig in the barn. Surely you can’t expect me to sleep with a pig!”.

Weary of the whole problem by this time, the lawyer pulls the rabbi into the house, grabs a blanket and heads for the barn. Almost immediately, there is a third knocking at the door, and opening the door they find the pig and the cow. “Surely you can’t expect us to sleep with a lawyer.”

——————————————————————————–
There is no better way to exercise the imagination than the study of the law.

No artist ever interpreted nature as freely as a lawyer interprets the truth.
– Jean Giradoux

A small town that cannot support one lawyer can always support two.

There are two kinds of lawyers, those who know the law and those who know the judge.

“I’ll never discuss my lawyer’s character in his absence, so let’s discuss his absence of character!
– Michael Lara

“There is no doubt that my lawyer is honest. For example, when he filed his income tax return last year, he declared half of his salary as ‘unearned income.'”
– ibid

Between grand theft and a legal fee, there only stands a law degree.

ESSENCE

——————————————————————————–

Martial (A.D. 40?-102?) Roman Poet and Epigrammatist

Lawyers are men who hire out their words and anger.

——————————————————————————–

John Stringer Quoted in: Poetic Justice, edited by J. A. Roth

A lawyer is someone who defends your interest, and takes the principal.

——————————————————————————–

T-Shirt Slogan

Lawyer: Individual whose principal role is to protect his clients from other members of his profession.

——————————————————————————–

Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?) American Journalist and Author The Devil’s Dictionary

Lawyer, n. One skilled in circumvention of the law.

——————————————————————————–

Franz Kafka (1883-1924) Austrian Writer

Lawyers: persons who write a 10,000 word document and call it a brief.

——————————————————————————–

Anonymous

A judge is a man who ends a sentence with a sentence.

——————————————————————————–

Robert Frost (1874-1963)American Poet

A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer.

——————————————————————————–

Finley Peter Dunne (1867-1936)American Humorist and Journalist Mr. Dooley

An appeal is when ye ask wan court to show its contempt for another court.

——————————————————————————–

Italian Proverb

Lawsuit: A fruit-tree planted in a lawyer’s garden.

——————————————————————————–

Henny Youngman (b. 1906)American Comedian

It takes a whole lot of suits to keep a lawyer well dressed.

——————————————————————————–

Anonymous

Lawyer – One who helps you get what’s coming to him.

——————————————————————————–

Anonymous

Lawyer: a man who profits by your experience.

——————————————————————————–

Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?) American Journalist and Author The Devil’s Dictionary

Litigation, n. A machine which you go into as a pig and come out of as a sausage.

——————————————————————————–

Bennett Cerf (1898-1971)American Publisher and Editor

Litigant: One who fails to realize that the only party who makes money out of litigation is the lawyer.

——————————————————————————–

Henry Brougham (1778-1868) British Jurist and Politician

Lawyer – A learned gentleman who rescues your estate from your enemies and keeps it himself.

——————————————————————————–

H. L. Mencken (1880-1956) American Editor, Author and Critic

Lawyer: one who protects us against robbery by taking away the temptation.

——————————————————————————–

Jane Bryant Quinn (b. 1939) American Personality

Lawyers are…operators of the toll bridge which anyone in search of justice must pass.

——————————————————————————–

H. L. Mencken (1880-1956) American Editor, Author, and Critic

A judge is a law student who marks his own examination papers.

——————————————————————————–

Louis XII (1462-1515) French King

Lawyers – Those who use the law as shoemakers use leather; rubbing it, pressing it, and stretching it with their teeth, all to the end of making it fit their purposes.

——————————————————————————–

Charles Macklin (1697?-1797)(Charles McLaughlin) Irish Actor and Playwright

The law is a sort of hocus-pocus science that smiles in your face while it picks your pocket.

Opposites

——————————————————————————–

Tryon Edwards (1809-1894) American Theologian

Lawyers on opposite sides of a case are like the two parts of shears; they cut what comes between them, not each other.

——————————————————————————–

Voltaire (1694-1778) (Francois Marie Arouet) French Historian & Writer

I was never ruined but twice; once when I lost a lawsuit, and once when I won one.

——————————————————————————–

Sholem Aleichem (1859-1916) Russian Rabbi, Humorist and Writer

Lawyers are just like physicians: what one says, the other contradicts.

——————————————————————————–

Thomas Jefferson (1743-1826)American – 3rd President of the United States

It is the trade of lawyers to question everything, yield nothing, and to talk by the hour.

——————————————————————————–

Vincent S. Lean (1820-1899) Collectanea

Two attorneys can live in a town where one cannot.

——————————————————————————–

Charles Lamb (1775-1834)English Essayist

He is no lawyer who cannot take two sides.

——————————————————————————–

Danish Proverb Lawyers and painters can soon change white to black.

——————————————————————————–

Chinese Proverb

A piece of paper, blown by the wind into a law court may in the end only be drawn out again by two oxen.

——————————————————————————–

Arthur J. Balfour (1848-1930) British Politician

Law is like a mousetrap; easy to enter but not easy to get out of.

——————————————————————————–

Mark Twain (1835-1910) (Samuel Langhorne Clemens) American Humorist

If you laid all our laws end to end, there would be no end.

——————————————————————————–

Benjamin Disraeli (1804-1881) English Statesman and Author

When men are pure, laws are useless; when men are corrupt, laws are broken.

——————————————————————————–

Gilbert K. Chesterton (1874-1936) English Novelist and Essayist

When you break the big laws, you do not get liberty; you do not even get anarchy. You get the small laws.

——————————————————————————–

Anacharsis (fl. B.C. 600) Scythian Philosopher

These written laws are just like spiders’ webs; the small and feeble may be caught and entangled in them, but the rich and mighty force through and despise them.

——————————————————————————–

Honore deBalzac (1799-1850) French Novelist

Laws are spider webs through which the big flies pass and the little ones get caught.

——————————————————————————–

Samuel Butler (1835-1902) English Novelist and Satirist

Justice is being allowed to do whatever I like. Injustice is whatever prevents me doing it.

——————————————————————————–

Johann von Schiller (1759-1805) German Dramatist, Poet and Historian

It is criminal to steal a purse, daring to steal a fortune, a mark of greatness to steal a crown. the blame diminishes as the guilt increases.

——————————————————————————–

Blaise Pascal (1623-1662) French Scientist and Philosopher

Justice without strength is helpless, strength without justice is tyrannical. Unable to make what is just strong, we have made what is strong just.

——————————————————————————–

George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950) British Dramatist, Critic, Novelist and Wit

When a man wants to murder a tiger, he calls it sport: when the tiger wants to murder him, he calls it ferocity. The distinction between crime and justice is no greater.

——————————————————————————–

Lenny Bruce (1926-1966) American Comedian

In the Halls of Justice the only justice is in the halls.

——————————————————————————–

Norman Douglas (1868-1952)English Writer

Justice is too good for some people, and not good enough for the rest.

——————————————————————————–

Benjamin Disraeli (1804-1881) English Statesman and Author

Justice is truth in action.

——————————————————————————–

Derek Bok American Educator

There is far too much law for those who can afford it and far too little for those who cannot.

——————————————————————————–

Anonymous

There are two kinds of lawyers: those who know the law and those who know the judge.

——————————————————————————–

Danish Proverb Danish Proverb

“Virtue in the middle,” said the Devil, as he sat down between two lawyers.

——————————————————————————–

Unknown

Law school is the opposite of sex. Even when it’s good it’s lousy.

——————————————————————————–

Calvin Trillin (b. 1935)American Writer

If law school is so hard to get through, how come there are so many lawyers?

——————————————————————————–

John Mortimer

No brilliance is needed in the law. Nothing but commonsense, and relatively clean fingernails.

——————————————————————————–

Richard Steele (1672-1729)British Essayist and Playwright

What’s the first excellence in a lawyer? Tautology. What the second? Tautology. What the third? Tautology.

——————————————————————————–

Donald M. Fraser

Under current law, it is a crime for a private citizen to lie to a government official, but not for the government official to lie to the people.

Insight

——————————————————————————–

Jonathan Swift (1667-1745)English Author

Laws are like cobwebs, which may catch small flies, but let wasps and hornets break through.

——————————————————————————–

William Shenstone (1714-1763) English Poet and Landscape Gardener

Laws are generally found to be nets of such texture, as the little creep through, the great break through, and the middle size are alone entangled in.

——————————————————————————–

Joseph Hodges Choate (1832-1917)American Lawyer and Diplomat

You cannot live without lawyers, and certainly you cannot die without them.

——————————————————————————–

Edgar Watson Howe (1853-1937) American Journalist and Author

If a man dies and leaves his estate in uncertain condition, the lawyers become his heirs.

——————————————————————————–

Addison Mizner (1872-1933)American Architect

Where there’s a will, there’s a lawsuit.

——————————————————————————–

Samuel Butler (1835-1902) English Novelist and Satirist

A lawyer’s dream of heaven – every man reclaimed his property at the resurrection, and each tried to recover it from all his forefathers.

——————————————————————————–

Wilson Mizner (1876-1933) American Dramatist and Wit

I’ve had ample contact with lawyers, and I’m convinced that the only fortune they ever leave is their own.

——————————————————————————–

Edgar Watson Howe (1853-1937) American Journalist and Author

There are few grave legal questions involved in a poor estate.

——————————————————————————–

William Wycherly (1640-1716)English Dramatist

A man without money needs no more fear a crowd of lawyers than a crowd of pickpockets.

——————————————————————————–

Barten Holyday Quoted ineter’s Quotations, ed. Laurence J. Peter

A man may as well open an oyster without a knife, as a lawyer’s mouth without a fee.

——————————————————————————–

Warren Burger American – Chief Justice, U.S. Supreme Court

It is not unprofessional to give free legal advice, but advertising that the first visit will be free is a bit like a fox telling chickens he will not bite them until they cross the threshold of the hen house.

——————————————————————————–

Anonymous Quoted in: Lawyer’s Quotation Book, J. Reay-Smith, ed.

A solicitor’s account: To my professional charges for crossing the street to greet you, and discovering that it was not you, crossing the street again.25 guineas.

——————————————————————————–

Samuel Butler (1835-1902) English Novelist and Satirist

In law nothing is certain but the expense.

——————————————————————————–

Evelle J. Younger American Lawyer and Politician

An incompetent attorney can delay a trial for months or years. A competent attorney can delay one even longer. others may be decorated with their feathers.

——————————————————————————–

Jewish Parable

Two farmers each claimed to own a certain cow. While one pulled on its head and the other pulled on its tail, the cow was milked by the lawyer.

——————————————————————————–

Samuel Johnson (1709-1784) English Writer and Critic

The plaintiff and defendant in an action at law, are like two men ducking their heads in a bucket, and daring each other to remain longest under water.

——————————————————————————–

Moses Crowell

It is a secret worth knowing that lawyers rarely go to law.

——————————————————————————–

Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr. (1841-1935)American Jurist

Lawyers spend a great deal of their time shoveling smoke.

——————————————————————————–

Samuel Goldwyn (1882-1974)(Samuel Goldfish) American Motion Picture Producer

A verbal contract isn’t worth the paper it’s written on.

——————————————————————————–

Edward Ward (1667-1731) English Tavern Keeper and Humorist Quoted in: Poetic Justice, ed. J. A. Roth

A good lawyer is a great liar.

——————————————————————————–

H. L. Mencken (1880-1956) American Editor, Author, and Critic

Jury: a group of twelve men who, having lied to the judge about their hearing, health and business engagements, have failed to fool him.

——————————————————————————–

H. L. Mencken (1880-1956) American Editor, Author, and Critic

The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail; if it were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence.

——————————————————————————–

Jean Giraudoux (1882-1944)French Author and Essayist Tiger at the Gates

There is no better way of exercising the imagination than the study of law. No poet ever interpreted nature as freely as a lawyer interprets the truth.

——————————————————————————–

David Ferguson Quoted in: Barnes & Noble Book of Quotations

Show me the man and I’ll show you the law.

——————————————————————————–

Warren Burger American – Chief Justice, U.S. Supreme Court

We may all be on our way to a society overrun by hordes of lawyers, hungry as locusts, and brigades of judges in numbers never before contemplated.

——————————————————————————–

Washington Irving (1783-1859) American Short-Story Writer and Essayist

Young lawyers attend the courts, not because they have business there but because they have no business anywhere else.

——————————————————————————–

Charles Lamb (1775-1834) English Essayist

Lawyers, I suppose, were children once.

——————————————————————————–

James Gibbons Huneker (1860-1921) American Editor, Critic and Biographer

Lawyers earn a living by the sweat of their browbeating.

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Sydney J. Harris (b. 1917)American Journalist

Bar associations are notoriously reluctant to disbar or even suspend a member unless he has murdered a judge downtown at high noon, in the presence of the entire committee on Ethical Practices.

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Charles Dickens (1812-1870) English Novelist Bleak House

The one great principle of the English law is, to make business for itself. There is no other principle distinctly, certainly, and consistently maintained through all its narrow turnings.

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Josh Billings (1815-1885) (Henry W. Shaw) American Humorist and Lecturer

Every man should know something of law; if he knows enough to keep out of it, he is a pretty good lawyer.

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Douglas Jerrold (1803-1857) English Humorist and Playwright

Self-defense is the clearest of all laws, and for this reason: the lawyers didn’t make it.

Positive

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Daniel Webster (1782-1852)American Statesman, Lawyer and Orator

Most good lawyers live well, work hard, and die poor.

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Charles Dickens (1812-1870) English Novelist

If there were no bad people, there would be no good lawyers.

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John Sterling

[The] ideal client is the very wealthy man in very great trouble.

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John Milton (1608-1674) English Poet

Litigious terms, fat contentions, and flowing fees.

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Jerome Weidman Quoted in: Poetic Justice, ed. by J. A. Roth

Being a lawyer is like being a bottle of ketchup in a restaurant that specializes in bad steaks. It covers a multitude of sins.

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Melvin Belli (b. 1907)American Lawyer

There is never a deed so foul that something couldn’t be said for the guy; that’s why there are lawyers.

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Anonymous

Lawyers help those who help themselves.

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Criminal Attorney’s Saying

You get a reasonable doubt for a reasonable price.

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German Proverb

A lawyer and a wagon-wheel must be well greased.

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Anatole France (1844-1924) (Jacques Anatole Thibault) French Novelist

The law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich as well as the poor to sleep under bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal bread.

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F. McKinney Hubbard (1868-1930) American Newspaper Humorist and Caricaturist

Every once in a while you meet a fellow in some honorable walk of life that was once admitted to the bar.

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Benjamin Franklin (1706-1790) American Statesman, Scientist and Philosopher

God works wonders now and then; behold, a lawyer, an honest man.

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Anonymous

Lawyers sometimes tell the truth – they will do anything tow in a case.

Negative

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Charles Colton (1780-1832)English Sportsman and Writer

In civil jurisprudence it too often happens that there is so much law, that there is no room for justice, and that the claimant expires of wrong in the midst of right, as mariners die of thirst in the midst of water.

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Jeremy Bentham (1748-1832)English Philosopher and Jurist

Lawyers are the only persons in whom ignorance of the law is not punished.

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Addison Mizner (1872-1933) American Architect

Ignorance of the law excuses no man – from practicing it.

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PUCK Magazine

Ignorance of the law does not prevent the losing lawyer from collecting his bill.

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Otto von Bismarck (1815-1898) Prussian Statesman and Chancellor

Laws are like sausages. It is better not to see them being made.

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Charles McCabe (1915-1983)American Columnist and Journalist

Most lawyers are swine. And not even nice swine.

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John Keats (1795-1821)English Poet

I think we may class the lawyer in the natural history of monsters.

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G. G. Foster Quoted in: Poetic Justice, ed. by J. A. Roth

Shyster lawyers – a set of turkey buzzards whose touch is pollution and whose breath is pestilence.

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Alan Dershowitz American Legal Scholar

Any profession that suffers from so foul a reputation must, in some way, provoke it.

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Tacitus (55-117 A.D.) Roman Historian

The more corrupt the state, the more numerous the laws.

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Clarence Darrow (1857-1938) American Lawyer and Writer

The trouble with law and government is lawyers.

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Herbert Marcuse (1898-1979) American Political Philosopher

Law and order are always and everywhere the law and order which protect the established hierarchy.

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Oliver Goldsmith (1728-1774) English Poet and Prose Writer

The Traveler Laws grind the poor, and rich men rule the law.

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George S. Halifax (1633-1695) (George Savile) English Statesman

If the laws could speak for themselves, they would complain of the lawyers in the first place.

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Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?) American Journalist and Author

Litigant – A person about to give up his skin for the hope of retaining his bones.

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Samuel George Morton

Law is like a sieve; it is very easy to see through it, but a man must be considerably reduced before he can get through it.

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Spanish Proverb

It is better to be a mouse in a cat’s mouth than a man in a lawyer’s hands.

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Janet Malcolm American Journalist Quoted in: An Uncommon Scold, by Abby Adams

A lawsuit is to ordinary life what war is to peacetime. In a lawsuit, everybody on the other side is bad. A trial transcript is a discourse in malevolence.

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James Gates Percival (1795-1856)American Geologist

…the custom of pleading for any client, without discrimination of right or wrong, must lessen the regard due to those important distinctions, and deaden the moral sensibility of the heart.

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Lucille Kallen Quoted in: Webster’s II New Riverside Desk Quotations

A lawyer’s relationship to justice and wisdom…is on a par with a piano tuner’s relationship to a concert. He neither composes the music, nor interprets it – he merely keeps the machinery running.

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Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?) American Journalist and Author The Devil’s Dictionary

Liar, n. A lawyer with a roving commission.

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John Arbuthnot (1667-1735)Scottish Physician pamphlet title

Law is a bottomless pit.

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Sir Dingwall Bateson (1898-1967)

A solicitor is a man who calls in a person he doesn’t know to sign a contract he hasn’t seen to buy property he doesn’t want with money he hasn’t got.

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George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950) British Dramatist, Critic, Novelist and Wit

All professions are conspiracies against the laity.

Advice

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William Camden (1551-1623)English Scholar

Agree, for the law is costly.

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Anthony Trollope (1815-1882)English Novelist Orley Farm

Always remember that when you go into an attorney’s office, you will have to pay for it, first or last.

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Jean de La Bruyere (1645-1696) French Classical Writer

Avoid law suits beyond all things; they influence your conscience, impair your health, and dissipate your property.

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Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865) American – 16th U.S. President

Discourage litigation. Persuade your neighbors to compromise whenever you can. Point out to them how the nominal winner is often a real loser in fees, expenses and waste of time.

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Unknown

Colonel Compromise is the best and cheapest lawyer.

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Sophocles (B.C. 495-406) Greek Tragic Poet

Nobody has a more sacred obligation to obey the law than those who make the law.

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Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882) American Poet and Essayist Politics

Good men must not obey the laws too well.

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William O. Douglas (1898-1980)American Jurist

The Constitution is not neutral. It was designed to take the government off the backs of people.

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William Blackstone (1723-1780)English Jurist

It is far better that ten guilty persons escape than one innocent suffer.

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Montesquieu (1689-1755)(Rochechouart de Mortemart) French Philosopher

Law should be like death which spares no one.

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Thomas Fuller (1608-1661) English Clergyman and Author Gnomologia

A fox should not be the jury at a goose’s trial.

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Marcus Tullius Cicero (B.C. 106-43) Great Roman Orator, Politician, and Philosopher

When you have no basis for an argument, abuse the plaintiff.

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Charles Dickens (1812-1870) English Novelist Great Expectations

Take nothing on its looks: take everything on evidence. There’s no better rule.

Poetry

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John Gay (1688-1732)English Playwright and Poet

I know you lawyers can with ease Twist words and meanings as you please; That language, by your skill made pliant, Will bend to favor every client.

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William S. Gilbert (1539-1583)English Dramatist and Librettist

And whether you’re an honest man, or whether you’re a thief, Depends on whose solicitor has given me my brief.

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Grace Hibbard (1870?-1911) American Writer and Poet

“Books Received” An Honest Lawyer” – book just out – What can the author have to say? Reprint perhaps of ancient tomb -A work of fiction anyway.

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Samuel Johnson (1709-1784)English Writer and Critic

Here malice, rapine, accident conspire, And now a rabble rages, now a fire; Their ambush here relentless ruffians lay, And here the fell attorney prowls for prey.

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Arthur Garfield Hays (1881-1954)American Lawyer

Where there is a rift in the lute, the business of the lawyer is to widen the rift and gather the loot.

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Anonymous

The law locks up both man and woman Who steals the goose from off the common, But lets the great felon loose Who steals the common from the goose.

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Anonymous

Between grand theft and a legal fee, There only stands a law degree.

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Thomas Lewis Ingram

A shell for thee – And a shell for thee – But the oyster is the lawyer’s fee.

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Woody Guthrie (1912-1967) American Folksinger and Composer

As through this world I’ve travelled,I’ve seen lots of funny men; Some will rob you with a six gun And some with a fountain pen.

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J. Pierpont Morgan (1837-1913)American Industrialist

I don’t want a lawyer to tell me what I cannot do; I hire him to tell me how to do what I want to do.

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Alexander Pope (1688-1744)English Poet, Critic and Translator

The hungry judges soon the sentence sign, And wretches hang that jurymen may dine.

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John Dryden (1631-1700) English Poet, Dramatist and Critic

Nor is the people’s judgment always true; The most may err as grossly as the few.

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Alexander Pushkin

Like to some magistrates grown gray in office Calmly he contemplates alike the just And unjust, with indifference he notes Evil and good, and knows not wrath nor pity.

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Lewis Carroll (1832-1898) (Charles L Dodgson) English Mathematician & Writer

“In my youth,” said his father, “I took to the law, And argued each case with my wife; And the muscular strength which it gave to my jaw Has lasted the rest of my life.

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Harry Bender Quoted in: Poetic Justice, ed. by J. A. Roth

Imagine the appeals Dissents and remandments If lawyers had written The Ten Commandments.

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Rudyard Kipling (1865-1936) English Poet, Novelist and Short-Story Writer

Now these are the Laws of the Jungle, and many and mighty are they; But the head and the hoof of the Law, and the haunch and the hump, is – Obey!

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George Chapman

Who to himself is law no law doth need, Offends no law, and is a king indeed.

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Richard Francis Burton (1821-1890)British Explorer

Do what thy manhood bids do, from not but self expect applause; He noblest lives and noblest dies who makes and keeps his self-made laws.

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William S. Gilbert (1539-1583)English Dramatist and Librettist The Mikado

My object all sublime I shall achieve in time – To make the punishment fit the crime.

Jokes

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Anonymous

Biological laboratories have stopped using rats for their experiments – they now use lawyers. The scientists don’t become attached to them; furthermore, there are some things even a rat won’t do.

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A photographer at a dinner for lawyers come up with a unique way of getting them to smile. He said, “Say fees!”

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Guindon Cartoon Caption

Whatever their other contributions to our society, lawyers could be an important source of protein.

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Q. What’s the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?

A. Lawyers can take off their wingtips.

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While visiting the cemetery, the grieving couple noticed a headstone which read, “HERE LIES A LAWYER AND AN HONEST MAN.” “Look at that,” said the woman, “money’s so tight”

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Alan L. Chamberlain Posted on “The Well”

Q. Why are lawyers buried 25 feet under ground?

A. Cause down deep they’re real nice guys.

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Explaining the fee structure to a client, the attorney said, “What a contingent fee means is that if we lose your suit, I get nothing. And if we win, you get nothing.”

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Quoted in: Treasury of Laughter, edited by Larry Wilde

Some lawyers are just like laundries – they lose your suit but still take you to the cleaner’s.

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Then there was the attorney who introduced herself to her client as a criminal lawyer. The client commended her for being so self-aware.

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Q: Do you have a criminal lawyer in town?

A: Well we think so, but we can’t prove it!

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Then a couple of smart lawyers come along and take it away from you. Court, but again the lawyer won the decision. After the claim was settled the lawyer sent for his client and handed him a dollar bill.” What’s this?” asked the man, looking at the dollar. “That’s your damages, after deducting my fee, the cost of the appeal and other expenses,” replied the attorney. The man looked at the dollar again, turned it over and as settled the lawyer sent for his client and handed him a dollar bill.

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Q. How many lawyers does it take to change a light-bulb?

A. How many can you afford?

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Posted on “The Well”

Q. How bad was the recession of 1991?

A. It was so bad, the lawyers were walking around with their hands in THEIR OWN pockets.

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Anonymous

Lawyer – A college trained person appointed by the court or client to take what’s left.

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Francis Duffy Quoted in: Bennett Cerf’s Treasury of Atrocious Puns

When the army of lawyers get through settling an estate, the friendless beneficiary doesn’t have a legacy to stand on.

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Sign in the office of an estate attorney:

“Where there’s a will, there’s a delay.”

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Finally, there was the attorney who worked day and night just to break the young widow’s will.

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Saul Feldman American Writer Posted on “The Well”

Two lawyers are standing on a street corner and a very pretty woman walks by. Lawyer One: Boy would I like to screw her. Lawyer Two: Out of what?

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Graffiti: Boalt Hall School of Law Quoted in: Poetic Justice, ed. J. A. Roth

She offered her honor He honored her offer. And all night long It was honor and offer.

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Wives And while it’s true that more women than ever are taking up the law and becoming lawyers, the large majority are still laying down the law and becoming wives. clean shirt.

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Bob Abelson Posted on “The Well”

The definition of a skillful lawyer; One who can get a charge of indecent exposure reduced to carrying a revealed weapon.

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Woody Allen (b. 1935) (Allen Konigsberg) American Actor and Director

Some men are heterosexual, and some are bisexual, and some don’t think about sex at all…they become lawyers.

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Quoted in: Treasury of Laughter, edited by Larry WildeHelp Wanted Ad:

“Busy lawyer seeks alert young woman to serve as deceptionist.”

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Jon Rossen Quoted on “The Well”

Q: How can you tell when your lawyer is lying to you?

A: When his lips are moving.

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Talk’s cheap…if lawyers don’t do the talking.

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Quoted on “The Well”

Q:What’s the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of horse manure?

A: The bucket.

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Mae West (1893?-1980) American Actress and Playwright

It ain’t no sin if you crack a few laws now and then, just so long as you don’t break any.

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George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950) British Dramatist and Wit Major Barbara

He is always breaking the law. He broke the law when he was born: his parents were not married.

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Posted on “The Well”

Q:Why does New Jersey have so many toxic waste dumps while New York has so many lawyers?

A: New Jersey got first choice.

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Posted on: CompuServe

Q:What do you get when you cross a lawyer with an organized crime boss?

A: An offer you can’t understand.

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Peter Arno (1904-1968)American Clergyman Quoted in: Lawyer’s Quotation Book, J. Reay-Smith, ed.

He has his law degree and a furnished office. It’s just a question now of getting him out of bed.

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Fred Allen (1894-1956)American Radio Wit

I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back.

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Lawyer: When I was a boy my highest ambition was to be a pirate.

Client: You’re in luck. It isn’t every man who can realize the dreams of his youth.

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David Gans Posted on “The Well”

Q:What looks REALLY good on a lawyer?

A: A Doberman. 510

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Clint Sare Posted on: CompuServe

Q:How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?

A: Cut the rope.

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A Russian visiting the U.S. was equally confused by the legal system.” It is most strange,” he said.” At night it is the jury which is locked up, while the defendant is permitted to go home.”

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Jay Cornell Posted on “The Well”

A man walks into a bar with an alligator. He says to the bartender, “Do you serve lawyers here?” The bartender says, “Sure.” The man says, “OK, give me a beer and I’ll have a lawyer for my alligator.”

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Robert Frost (1874-1963)American Poet

A successful lawsuit is the one worn by a policeman.

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Young Man: What is a lawyer, Dad?

Father: A lawyers, my son, is a man who induces two other men to strip for a fight, then runs off with their clothes.

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He is a real lawyer. In fact, he even named his daughter Sue.

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Judge Blagden

A witness cannot give evidence of his age unless he can remember being born.

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The prosecuting attorney faced the witness.” Isn’t it true the defendant talks to himself when alone?”

“Couldn’t say. Never been with him when he was alone.”

The lawyer replied, “Looking for loopholes.”

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A witness kept answering questions with, “Well, I think…””Don’t think, Madam,” interrupted the lawyer. “Tell us what you know, not what you think.” Well I’m not a lawyer,” she shot back. “I can’t talk Defendant.”Just get me one good witness.”

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Q:Have you ever been cross-examined before?

A: Yes, Your Honor, I’m a married man.

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Norm Crosby (b. 1927) American Comedian

When you go into court you are putting your fate in the hands of twelve people who aren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.

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Posted on “The Well”

What’s the difference between a pity and a shame?

A pity is when a busload of lawyers goes into the river. A shame is when there are empty seats.

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If you were at the beach and you saw a lawyer and a doctor drowning and you could only save one of them, would you:

a. Continue reading your paper, or,

b. Go out to lunch.

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Monique La Wallone Belgian Comedienne

Q:What is it when one lawyer is in the river?

A: It is the pollution.

Q: And what is it when all the lawyers are in the river?

A: It is the solution.

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Q: How are a single sperm cell and a lawyer similar?

A: They each have a one in five billion chance of becoming a human being.

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Q:Why don’t lawyers go to the beach?

A: Because cats keep covering them up with sand.