AMEN:
The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.

BULLETIN:
1. Parish information, read only during the homily.
2. Catholic air conditioning.
3. Your receipt for attending Mass.

CHOIR:
A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the congregation to lip-sync.

HOLY WATER:
A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.

HYMN:
A song of praise, usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation’s range.

RECESSIONAL HYMN:
The last song at Mass, often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.

INCENSE:
Holy Smoke!

JESUITS:
An order of priests known for their ability to found colleges with good basketball teams.

JONAH:
The original “Jaws” story.

JUSTICE:
When kids have kids of their own.

KYRIE ELIEISON:
The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava.

MAGI:
The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.

MANGER:
1. Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn’t covered by an HMO.
2. The Bible’s way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough.

PEW:
A medieval torture device still found in Catholic Churches.

PROCESSION:
The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass, consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.

RECESSIONAL:
The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass, led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.

RELICS:
People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel and stand.

TEN COMMANDMENTS:
The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman.

USHERS:
The only people in the parish who don’t know the seating capacity of a pew.