What NOT to do/say at your Ph.D Defense
——————————————————————————–
1. “Ladies and Gentlemen, please rise for the singing of our National Anthem…”
2. Charge 25 cents a cup for coffee.
3. Stage your own death/suicide.
4. “I’d like to thank the Academy…”
5. Answer every question with a question.
6. “Laugh, will you? Well, they laughed at Galileo, they laughed at Einstein…”
7. “I could answer that, but then I’d have to kill you.”
8. Show slides of your last vacation.
9. Try to use normal printed paper on the overhead projector.
10. “Please phrase your question in the form of an answer…”

The following are all quotes from 11 year old’s science exams.

——————————————————————————–
“When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath, you expire.”
“H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water”
“To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube”
“When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide”
“Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state”
“Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.”
“Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars.”
“Blood flows down one leg and up the other.”
“Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration.”
“The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader.”
“Artifical insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.”
“Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.”
“A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.”
“Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.”
“The body consists of three parts- the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowls, of which there are five – a, e, i, o, and u.”
“The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.”
“The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana.”
“The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to.”
“A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors.”
“The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.”
“A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.”
“Many women belive that an alcoholic binge will have no ill effects on the unborn fetus, but that is a large misconception.”
“Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa.”
“Germinate: To become a naturalized German.”
“Liter: A nest of young puppies.”
“Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat.”
“Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away.”
“Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky.”
“Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.”
“Vacumm: A large, empty space where the pope lives.”
“Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.”
“To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.”
“For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops.”
“For drowning: Climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artifical perspiration.”
“For fainting: Rub the person’s chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor.”
“For dog bite: put the dog away for sevral days. If he has not recovered, then kill it.”
“For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.”
“To prevent contraception: wear a condominium.”
“For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose untill it drops in your throat.”
“To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow.”

——————————————————————————–
Answer on a college level, freshman biology exam:
“gonads: a tribe of wandering desert people.”

Følgende skulle efter sigende stamme fra børns meddelelsesbøger

Peters fravær skyldes familiens forøgelse, hvilket skete med min tilladelse.

Jørgens fraværelse i går var grunden til det dårlige vejr.

Jeg vil gerne om Carl måtte have fri i morgen, da jeg skal på hospitalet med hans ene øje.

Til skolelægen: Knud er meget urenlig, han tisser i sengen om natten og gør i bukserne om dagen og jeg vil være taknemmelig hvis De hr. læge ville hjælpe ham med det.

Kirsten må desværre forsømme skolen i nogle dage, da hun har fået Argentina i halsen.

Poul var ikke i skole i går, fordi min kone har fået en lille – det skal ikke ske oftere.

Peter kommer ikke i skole i morgen … hans morder.

Aage forsømte i går, fordi kællingen havde lavet en forbandet sur grønkål, og vi måtte rende hele natten og skide.

De må undskylde at Anna har lus. Jeg har vasket hendes hoved i petroleum. Hendes far ville have mig til at skære det af, men det synes jeg var synd for hende.

De kan ikke forlange at Egon skal vaskes i eddike, da sligt ikke findes i hans hoved.

At Ernst skulle side efter i går finder jeg noget hårdt, da han har et sted at gå på hvor han ikke han være når han ikke kommer og jeg er en fattig enke der ikke kan føde min børn uden de selv hjælper til.

De bedes give Peter fri han skal til lægen. Han har et hul i hovedet der er åbent fra 1 til 2.

Gud, den almægtige har på en cykeltur i Finland hjemkaldt Peters far hvorfor denne har forsømt i nogle dage.

At Arne ikke ved at fåret har tænder i overmunden gør ikke noget, han skal være bager.

Efter anmodning gennem Deres overfor min søn Herman om medbringende en skrivelse fra mig under henvisning til en bedre hørlig undervisningsplads i eventuelt klasseværelse skal jeg herved venligst anmode Dem om at lade Herman komme i Deres efter bedste skøn dertil egnet plads. Samt henleder jeg Deres opmærksomhed på at Herman er udsat for chikaneri for at udbringe iledelugte stammende fra en svaghed i vandblæren for hvilket jeg siger hospitalsindlæggelse snarest, indtil dette sker udvises her fra hjemmet den efter forholdene nødvendige renlighed vi formår efter evnerne.

Med venligst hilsen, forældrene ved Valther.