A packed Courtroom. The usher enters and addresses those present.
USHER Be upstanding in Court!
Everyone rises as the judge enters and sits.
USHER Be downsitting! Call the accused!
Another usher in the bowels of the court takes up the cry.
SECOND USHER Call the accused! Call the accused!
Enter Arnold Fitch, the accused, uncertainly.
CLERK OF THE COURT You are Arnold Fitch?
FITCH D-d-definitely, yes.
CLERK OF THE COURT You are hereby accused that on the fourteenth day of July in the ninteen hundred and sixty-third year of Our Lord you did wilfully, unlawfully, and with malice aforethought assault one SIDNEY BOTTLE, a dwarf. How plead you, guilty, or not guilty?
FITCH D-d-definitely, not guilty.
Mr Bartlett, the Prosecuting Counsel, rises.
BARTLETT M’lud, in this case m’learned friend Mr Maltravers appears for the defence, and I appear for the money. The case would appear to be a simple one, m’lud. The prosecution will endeavour to prove that the snivelling, depraved, cowardly wretch whom you see cowering before you…
Fitch looks around with curiosity.
BARTLETT …returned home on the night of the fourteenth of July in a particularly vicious and unpleasant frame of mind, had words with his wife, and then deliberately assaulted his pet ostrich by throwing a watering can at it.
JUDGE A what?
BARTLETT A watering can, m’lud – a large cylindrical tin-plated vessel with a perforated pouring piece, much used by the lower class for the purpose of artificially moistening the surface soil.
JUDGE Thank you, Mr Bartlett.
BARTLETT You are very gracious, m’lud. If I may continue… the ostrich, taking fright….
JUDGE The what?
BARTLETT The ostrich, m’lud. An ostrich – a large hairy flightless bird resident in Africa, remarkable for its speed in running and much prized for its feathers.
JUDGE Ah, a kind of kookaburra.
BARTLETT No, m’lud. The ostrich, taking fright, flew through a window and landed on a passing ice-cream cart…
JUDGE A WHAT cart?
BARTLETT An ice-cream cart, m’lud. Ice-cream – an artificial cream substitute, sweetened, flavoured and frozen, originally invented by the Mohican Indians as an antidote to trench-foot.
JUDGE Remarkable, remarkable…
BARTLETT Thank you, m’lud; if I may be ALLOWED to continue… landed on a passing ice-cream cart, thereby causing a dollop of ice- cream…
JUDGE A what?
BARTLETT (screaming) A DOLLOP!!!
Consternation in court.
BARTLETT I beg your pardon, m’lud, I’m afraid I was trying to clear my throat… thereby causing a small… er, PORTION of ice-cream to fall on the plaintiff, Mr Sidney Bottle, a dwarf, who was hopping past at the time, thereby soiling Mr Bottle’s new suit. Those, quite simply, are the facts of the case, m’lud, a very straightforward one, I think we will all agree. It would appear m’lud that the rule laid down in ‘Pritchard v. the East Halifax Fishbone Glue Manufacturing Company’ would apply.
JUDGE Was that the case of the slug in the cherryade bottle, Mr Bartlett?
BARTLETT No, m’lud, it was the case of the human cannonball and defective net.
JUDGE Ah, THAT was the kookaburra case.
BARTLETT NO, m’lud.
The Defence Cousel rises.
DEFENCE COUNSEL I think his Lordship is thinking of ‘White v. Phillips’ where the Aborigine who was about to launch his boomerang at a dingo that was chasing his pet kangaroo, had his attention distracted by a lunging kookaburra, causing him accidentally to release the boomerang, which struck a passing cobber in the outback. An Australian case, m’lud.
JUDGE Ah, well, if it was an Australian case, then it cannot apply.
DEFENCE COUNSEL No, m’lud.
BARTLETT EXACTLY, m’lud. If we could continue… I should like to call the first witness. Call PERCY MOLAR.
The SECOND USHER calls in the distance.
SECOND USHER Call PERCY MOLAR! Call PERCY MOLAR!
Mr PERCY MOLAR enters at speed. He is dressed as a traditional music- hall comedian.
MOLAR ‘Ello, ‘ello, ‘ello!
BARTLETT …Are you PERCY MOLAR?
MOLAR That is correct, THAT is correct!
BARTLETT You are a company director of no fixed abode?
MOLAR I am.
BARTLETT You are also a music-hall comedian?
MOLAR Yes, yes, yes!
BARTLETT Are you married?
MOLAR Yes, I am, yes I am, my wife!
BARTLETT Would you in your own words please, Mr Molar, describe your wife to this court.
MOLAR MY wife, my WIFE… she’s SO fat, she’s SO fat… when she walks down the street she looks like five dogs fighting in a sack! My wife, five dogs, in a sack, thank you!
BARTLETT Thank you, Mr Molar. Would I be correct in thinking that your wife has, comparatively recently, visited the West Indies?
MOLAR Yes!
BARTLETT …Jamaica?
The Defence Counsel leaps to his feet.
DEFENCE COUNSEL Objection!
BARTLETT I’m sorry, m’lud! I withdraw that question. Mr Molar… did you meet your wife in a revolving door?
MOLAR No, she went OF HER OWN ACCORD! I thank you!
BARTLETT No! Now listen very carefully to the question please, Mr Molar… did you meet your wife in a REVOLVING door?
MOLAR Ah yes, and we’ve been going AROUND TOGETHER ever since!
BARTLETT Mr Molar, I put it to you… that your mother-in-law is bald.
MOLAR I agree.
BARTLETT Now would I be correct in assuming…
The Defence Counsel is on his feet again.
DEFENCE COUNSEL Objection! I hope m’learned friend is not going to lead.
BARTLETT I am not… Mr Molar, does your mother-in-law…
DEFENCE COUNSEL Objection!
BARTLETT Did your mother-in-law…
DEFENCE COUNSEL Objection!
BARTLETT M’lud, I must protest! M’learned friend is making a mockery of this Courtroom. What is more, m’learned friend is neither learned nor m’friend, and in future, with your permission, m’lud, I shall refer to him as m’ignorant enemy. And now, if m’ignorant enemy will allow me to get a few words in edgeways…
JUDGE WHAT ways, Mr Bartlett?
BARTLETT It’s time you retired, m’lud.
The judge consults his pocket watch.
BARTLETT Mr Molar… what has happened to your BALD mother-in-law recently?
MOLAR She’s had rabbits – RABBITS – tattooed on her head, so that at a distance they’ll look like HARES!
BARTLETT Thank you, Mr Molar.
MOLAR Bunny-rabbits… H… a… i…
BARTLETT Thank you, Mr Molar… and did you then see the ostrich fly out of the window and land upon a passing ice-cream cart, thereby causing a small dollop of ice-cream to fall on the plaintiff, Mr SIDNEY BOTTLE, a dwarf, who was hopping past at the time?
MOLAR Yes!
BARTLETT No further questions, m’lud.
He sits. The Defence Counsel rises, studying his notes.
DEFENCE COUNSEL Just two questions, m’lud. Mr Molar…
MOLAR ‘Ello, ‘ello, ‘ello…
DEFENCE COUNSEL Does your house have a garden?
MOLAR No, no, my house does definitely not have a garden, my house, not a garden, NO!
DEFENCE COUNSEL Do you see the accused?
MOLAR Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!
DEFENCE COUNSEL Does HIS house have a garden?
MOLAR No, no, the accused, his house does not have a garden, no, no.
DEFENCE COUNSEL In that case, would the accused be likely to have… a spade?
MOLAR No.
DEFENCE COUNSEL A scythe?
MOLAR No.
DEFENCE COUNSEL A rake?
MOLAR No.
DEFENCE COUNSEL Trowel?
MOLAR No.
DEFENCE COUNSEL Pitchfork?
MOLAR No.
DEFENCE COUNSEL Prunning shears?
MOLAR No.
DEFENCE COUNSEL Watering-can?
MOLAR Yes!
DEFENCE COUNSEL Damn, damn, damn. No further questions, m’lud.
JUDGE You may leave the Court, Mr Molar.
MOLAR You’re very kind, m’lud, but before I go I should like to sing a very very lovely Old English Ballad entitty-i-tittled ‘She was only a Farmer’s Daughter, but…’
JUDGE I don’t wish to know that, would you kindly leave the Court.
MOLAR (crestfallen) Very well, m’lud.
He leaves the Courtroom. The Prosecuting Counsel stands again.
BARTLETT Call Arnold Fitch.
From afar, the SECOND USHER calls very loudly and very echoingly.
SECOND USHER Call Arnold Fitch! Call Arnold Fitch!
Arnold Fitch makes his way into the witness box.
BARTLETT You are Arnold Fitch, alias…
The SECOND USHER calls again.
SECOND USHER Call Arnold Fitch!
A pause as the echoes die away.
BARTLETT You are Arnold Fitch, alias…
The usher calls yet again.
SECOND USHER Call Arnold Fitch!
A longer pause.
BARTLETT You…
Another weird, echoing cry comes from the SECOND USHER.
SECOND USHER Call…
The Prosecuting Counsel leaves the Courtroom.
SECOND USHER Arn… old… Fff… it…
The Usher’s cry ends in a dreadful gurgle. The Prosecuting Counsel re- enters, wiping his hands with a handkerchief and addresses the witness.
BARTLETT You are Arnold Fitch, alias Arnold Fitch?
FITCH Yes.
BARTLETT …Why is your alias the SAME as your real name?
FITCH Because, when I use my alias, no one would EXPECT it to be my real name.
BARTLETT I see. You are a company director?
FITCH Of course.
BARTLETT Did you throw the watering can?
FITCH No.
BARTLETT I suggest that you threw the watering can.
FITCH I did not.
BARTLETT I put it to you that you threw the watering can.
FITCH I didn’t!
BARTLETT I submit that you threw the watering can!
FITCH No!
BARTLETT Did you or did you not throw the watering can?!
FITCH I did not!
BARTLETT YES or NO?! DID you throw the watering can?!
FITCH No!
BARTLETT ANSWER the question!!!
FITCH I didn’t throw it!
BARTLETT So… he DENIES it!… Very well… would you be surprised to hear that you’d thrown the watering can?
A pause.
FITCH …Yes.
BARTLETT And do you deny NOT throwing the watering can?
FITCH Yes.
BARTLETT (triumphantly) Ha!!!
FITCH No!!!
BARTLETT Very well, Mr Fitch… would it be true to say that you were lying… if you denied that it was false to affirm that it belied you to DENY that is was UNTRUE that you were LYING?!
FITCH Er…
BARTLETT You hesitate, Mr Fitch! An answer, please, the court is waiting! Ah ha ha hah! Ah ha ha hah!
FITCH Yes.
BARTLETT SHIT. No further questions, m’lud.
DEFENCE COUNSEL Call Exhibit ‘A’!
An astonishingly old usher totters in to the court. He is so senile, he may even be older than the judge. He dodders into the well of the court and takes about twenty minutes to set an old-fashioned baby’s bath on a stand. After an aeon, he totters out again.
DEFENCE COUNSEL Mr Fitch. Have you ever seen this before?
FITCH No.
DEFENCE COUNSEL No further questions, m’lud.
The Defence Counsel sits, and the palaeozoic usher collects the bath interminably, and eventually exits with it. The accused suddenly has an idea.
FITCH No, wait a minute!
A dismayed pause. The usher re-enters, at a SLIGHTLY increased pace, enraged by the extra effort required. He sets the bath up again.
DEFENCE COUNSEL (impatient) Mr Fitch, I repeat… Have you ever seen this before?
FITCH (brightly) Yes, he brougth it in a moment ago.
Sensation. Uproar in court. Somehow the bath is removed again. The Prosecuting Counsel rises.
BARTLETT Call SIDNEY BOTTLE!… Just ONCE!
SECOND USHER (from the distance, with difficulty) Call SIDNEY BOTTLE… just once.
There is a long pause. No one appears in the witness box. The Prosecuting Counsel studies his notes, and then addresses the witness box, despite the lack of habitation.
BARTLETT You are SIDNEY BOTTLE. You are presumably a company director. You are also a dwarf. Now would you tell the court in your own words what happened on the night of the fourteenth of July.
The Prosecuting Counsel observes that there is no one in the witness box. He looks round the court in puzzlement.
BARTLETT (calling) Mr Bottle? Mr Bottle?
Suddenly a tiny hand appears over the top of the witness box and waves frantically. The Prosecuting Counsel points.
BARTLETT Ah, there he is, m’lud. Could we give Mr Bottle something to stand on, m’lud, for the benefit of the jury?
JUDGE Yes, yes, of course.
The decrepit usher appears and enters the box. After a lot of noise, a tiny fist grasps the top of the witness box, followed by another. Eventually Mr Bottle’s eyes come into view. He seems remarkably cheerful.
BARTLETT Ah. Now, Mr Bottle…
But Mr Bottle falls out of sight. He clambers back into view, with difficulty.
BARTLETT There you are, Mr Bottle. How nice to see you. Now would you tell the Court please, in your own words of course, on the night in question… just exactly how DRUNK were you?!
BOTTLE Eh?
BARTLETT Come come, Mr Bottle, you are not going to pretend that you were sober? I have here a sworn statement, Mr Bottle, that on the night in question you had consumed no less than one hundred and seventeen pink gins!
Bottle starts protesting loudly. The Prosecuting Counsel attempts to continue but the general noise level builds as Mr Bottle becomes more enraged. The judge beckons into the wings, and a dwarf policeman whose helmet and truncheon alone we see, enters the witness box and belabours Mr Bottle. The noise and confusion build to a phoney climax which the judge signals when he flings over the edge of his bench a large sign declaring: LUNCH.
Source CAMBRIDGE CIRCUS, Footlights Revue 1963
Original cast CLERK OF THE COURT Bill Oddie
ARNOLD FITCH Anthony Buffery
PROSECUTING COUNSEL John Cleese
JUDGE David Hatch
DEFENCE COUNSEL Chris Stuart-Clark
SECOND USHER Bill Oddie
PERCY MOLAR Tim Brooke-Taylor
GERIATRIC USHER Tim Brooke-Taylor
SIDNEY BOTTLE Bill Oddie