A sitting room. In the middle of the room lies a dead body, covered by a sheet. By the body stands Sergeant Ibsen. The door to the hall opens and Detective-inspector Sophist enters the room.

SOPHIST Good afternoon, Constable. I’m Sophist of the Yard.
IBSEN Good afternoon, sir. Sergeant Ibsen, I was asked to stay here and give you any assistance I could, sir.
SOPHIST Thank you, Sergeant. Ah, there’s the body.

He goes to it.

SOPHIST There’s a sheet over it, I see.
IBSEN Yes, sir, we coverd…
SOPHIST Quiet, please Sergeant, I’m thinking. So… he was sleeping out here on the floor if this is HIS flat? Has his bed been slept in?
IBSEN Well yes, sir, but…
SOPHIST Thank you, Sergeant. So… if he spent the night out here on the floor, his bed must have been slept in by the murderer. So the murderer was obviously a friend. Now why should the friend want to spend the night in the bed?
IBSEN Sir…
SOPHIST I’ll tell you. He required the softness of the bed because he suffered from a painfull condition of the back, such as lumbago. Ah!

Inspector Sophist dashes to a picture hanging at an angle on the wall above the sofa.

SOPHIST Observe this picture. It is askew. Now why should it have been moved? On purposes? Certainly not. And how could it be moved by accident – by someone brushing casually against it with his shoulder. But the picture is ABOVE the sofa! Are you asking me to believe that the murderer stood on the sofa?
IBSEN No sir.
SOPHIST Of course not! Clearly our man was standing in front of the sofa leaning backwards when he moved the picture. He is therefore at least… eight feet tall.

Inspector Sophist whips out a tape measure and checks it.

SOPHIST Eight foot three inches! Now ask yourself why he should be leaning backwards in such a strange fashion? Because… he was looking at something, while wearing a Guards Officer’s cap. With a low peak, you see. So every time he wanted to look at something he had to lean backwards, like this.

He demonstrates, knocking over a lamp on the coffee table.

SOPHIST Hence the lumbago. What was he looking at? Obviously, the body. Why from here? Because he was LONG-SIGHTED. Hence the lamp which he knocked over here.
IBSEN Er…
SOPHIST Sergeant, please – no red herrings. Now you probably noticed the slight scratch on the lintel over the door – the sort of scratch I recognise as that made by the cap badge of an eight- foot-tall backwards-leaning Guards Officer. The angle at which a man has to lean back to see under the peak of a Guards Officer’s cap is 28 1/2 degrees. Now an eight-foot man leaning backwards at an angle of 28 1/2 degrees would NOT be tall enough to touch the lintel of the door. UNLESS… he was HOPPING or LEAPING. And why would he be hopping? Because he had a wooden leg.
IBSEN A wooden leg, sir???
SOPHIST Now, where does the woman fit in?
IBSEN …Woman???
SOPHIST Cherchez la femme, Ibsen, cherchez la femme. The woman is young – pretty – upper-class. Probably wearing a white fur coat. BUT… notice the cigarette-ends in the ash-trays…on none of these cigarettes is there a trace of lipstick. Therefore, no woman. Therefore the Guards Officer must have been wearing the fur coat. Why was he wearing a white fur coat. To keep his back warm because of the lumbago, Sergeant. You see how it all fits together, Sergeant.

He returns to the body.

SOPHIST Now, how did this poor man meet his end?
IBSEN He was stabbed, sir.
SOPHIST Stabbed in the back?
IBSEN Yes, sir, twice.
SOPHIST Wounds about seven inches apart?
IBSEN Yes sir.
SOPHIST Just as I thought. You see, Sergeant, you will probably have noticed the carpet. It has virtually no pile, and yet it is a new carpet.

He bends down and sniffs it.

SOPHIST Three weeks old, I should say. Now why should a virtually new carpet have no pile? Because the pile has been methodically and evenly removed. What has the removal of the pile of a new carpet got to do with stab wounds seven inches apart? The answer is – a goat!
IBSEN A GOAT?????
SOPHIST Let us reconstruct the crime. There’s a knock at the door. The murdered man answers it. It’s an old friend – an eight-foot backwards-leaning Guards Officer with a wooden leg and a goat. In he hops – grazing the lintel with his cap badge. He complains of lumbago and goes to bed. The victim decides to sleep in here. In the dead of night, in hops our long-sighted friend. He stands here by the sofa leaning backwards in order to focus on his victim and accidentally moves the picture. He sees the goat nibbling the pile from the carpet, picks it up and stabs his recumbed friend in the back with it. Next, he sits on the sofa and smokes…

Sophist glances at the ashtray.

SOPHIST …twenty-seven cigarettes. Any man, Sergeant, who smokes twenty-seven cigarettes consecutively would be likely to have a very nasty cough.

There is the sound of a cough. Sophist springs to his feet and goes to a large cupboard door.

SOPHIST Here’s your man, Sergeant.

He flings the door open, revealing an eight-foot backwards-leaning Guards Officer, wearing a white fur coat and carrying a bloodstained goat.

Source: THE FROST REPORT ON CRIME, 8 june 1967

Original cast: SOPHIST Ronnie Corbett
IBSEN Ronnie Barker
EIGHT-FOOT BACKWARDS-LEANING GUARDS OFFICER WEARING A WHITE FUR COAT AND CARRYING A BLOODSTAINED GOAT John Cleese