A packed courtroom. Everyone is sitting around waiting patiently. Suddenly there is a noise at the back of the court. A judge is sitting at higher level and a prisoner in the dock. People peck up and turn to observe the Prosecuting Counsel enter.

JUDGE Mr Larch, you have heard the case for the prosecution. Is there anything you wish to say before I pass senence?
MR LARCH Well… I’d just like to say, m’lud, I’ve got a family… a wife and six kids… and I hope very much you don’t have to take away my freedom… because… well, because m’lud freedom is a state much prized within the realm of civilized society.

He slips into Olivier impression.

MR LARCH It is a bond wherewith the savage man may charm the outward hatchments of his soul, ans soothe the troubled breast into a magnitude of quiet. It is most precious as a blessed balm, the saviour of princes, the harbinger of happiness, yea, the very stuff and pith of all we hold most dear. What frees the prisoner in his lonely cell, chained within the bondage of rude walls, far from the owls of Thebes? What fires and stirs the woodcock in his springe or wakes the drowsy apricot betides? What goddess doth the storm toss’d mariner offer her most tempestuous prayers to? Freedom! Freedom! Freedom!

The Prosecuting Counsel strides into court.

PROSECUTING COUNSEL I’m sorry I’m late, m’lud – I couldn’t find a kosher car park.

He crosses and takes his proper position.

PROSECUTING COUNSEL Don’t bother to recap, m’lud, I’ll pick it up as we go along. Call Mrs Fiona Lewis.
USHER Call Mrs Fiona Lewis!

Mrs Lewis enters at a considerable speed, talking loudly, and makes for the witness box.

MRS LEWIS I swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so ANYWAY… I said to her, I said, they can’t afford that on what he earns, I mean for a start the feathers get up your nose, I ask you, four and sixpence a pound, and him with a wooden leg, I don’t know how she puts up with it after all the trouble she’s had with her you-know-what, anyway, it WAS a white wedding, much to everyone’s surprise, of course they bought everything on the hire purchase, I think they ought to send them back where they came from, I mean you’ve got to be cruel to be kind, so Mrs Harris said, so she said she said she said, a dead crab she said she said? Well, her sister’s gone to Rhodesia, what with her womb and all, and her youngest, as fit as a filing cabinet, and the goldfish, the goldfish, they’ve got whooping-cough, they keep spitting water at the Bratbys, well, they DO, don’t they, I mean, you CAN’T, can you, I mean they’re not even married or anything, they’re not even divorced, and he’s in the KGB if you ask me, he says he’s a tree surgeon, but I don’t like the sound of his liver, all that squeaking and banging every night till the small hours, well, his mother’s been much better since she had her head off…

At a sign from the Prosecuting Counsel, two ushers enter and carry Mrs Lewis out, still talking. The judge leans forward.

JUDGE Mr Bartlett, I fail to see the relevance of the last witness’ testimony.
PROSECUTING COUNSEL My NEXT witness will provide an explanation if m’ludship will allow. Call the late Arthur Aldridge.
USHER Call the late Arthur Aldridge!

A pause.

JUDGE The LATE Arthur Aldridge?
PROSECUTING COUNSEL Yes, m’lud.

A coffin is carried into the courtroom and laid with some difficulty across the witness box. The judge stares at it.

JUDGE Mr Bartlett, is there any point in questioning the deceased?
PROSECUTING COUNSEL …I beg your pardon m’lud?
JUDGE Well… your witness is dead, is he not?
PROSECUTING COUNSEL Yes m’lud. Well… VIRTUALLY, m’lud.
JUDGE He’s not COMPLETELY dead?
PROSECUTING COUNSEL Oh no, he’s not completely dead, m’lud. But he’s not at all well.
JUDGE If he’s NOT dead… what’s he doing in a coffin?
PROSECUTING COUNSEL It’s purely a precaution, m’lud. Now, if I may continue… Mr Aldridge, you were… you ARE a stockbroker of 10, Brian Close, Wimbledon.

A knocking sound is heard.

PROSECUTING COUNSEL Mr Aldridge, would it…
JUDGE What was that knock?
PROSECUTING COUNSEL It means ‘yes’, m’lud. One knock for ‘yes’, and two for ‘no’. If I may continue… Mr Aldridge, would it be fair to say that you are not at all well?

Another knock is heard.

PROSECUTING COUNSEL In fact, Mr Aldridge, not to put too fine a point on it, would you be prepared to say that you are, as it were, what is generally known as, in a manner of speaking, ‘dead’?

Silence.

PROSECUTING COUNSEL I think he IS dead, m’lud. Mr Aldridge… I put it to you that you are dead.

More silence. The Prosecuting Counsel points accusingly at the coffin.

PROSECUTING COUNSEL Ah ha!
JUDGE Where is all this leading?
PROSECUTING COUNSEL That will become apparent in a moment, m’lud.

He walks over to the coffin, raises the lid and peers inside for a long time.

PROSECUTING COUNSEL No further questions, m’lud!

He replaces the lid.

JUDGE What do you mean?! You can’t just dump dead bodies in my court and say ‘No further questions’! I demand an explanation!
PROSECUTING COUNSEL There are no easy answers in this case, m’lud.
JUDGE I think you haven’t the slightest idea what this case is about.
PROSECUTING COUNSEL M’lud, the strange, damnable, almost diabolic threads of this extraordinary tangled web of intrigue will shortly, m’lud, reveal a plot so fiendish, so infernal, so heinous…
JUDGE Mr Bartlett, your client has already pleaded guilty to the parking offence.
PROSECUTING COUNSEL Parking offence, schmarking offence, m’lud. We must leave no stone unturned. Call Cardinal Richelieu.
JUDGE You’re trying to spin this one out, Mr Bartlett.

The judge does a double-take.

JUDGE CARDINAL RICHELIEU???
PROSECUTING COUNSEL A character witness, m’lud.

A fanfare of trumpets. Enter Cardinal Richelieu in full Louis XIII period gear and holding a hand mike, which he handles expertly.

RICHELIEU ‘Allo everyone, it’s wonderful to be here y’know. I love your country, London is so beautiful at this time of year.
PROSECUTING COUNSEL You are Cardinal Armand du Plessis de Richelieu, First Minister of Louis XIII?
RICHELIEU Oui.
PROSECUTING COUNSEL Cardinal, would it be fair to say that you not only built up the centralised monarchy in France but also perpetuated the religious schism in Europe?
RICHELIEU (modestly) That’s what they say.
PROSECUTING COUNSEL Did you persecute the Huguenots?
RICHELIEU I did that thing.
PROSECUTING COUNSEL And did you take even sterner measures against the great Catholic nobles who made common cause with foreign foes in defence of their feudal independence?
RICHELIEU Certainement!
PROSECUTING COUNSEL Cardinal, are you acquainted with the defendant, Harold Larch?
RICHELIEU Since I was so ‘igh.
PROSECUTING COUNSEL Speaking as a Cardinal of the Roman Catholic Church, as First Minister of Louis XIII and as one of the architects of the modern world already, would you say that Harold Larch was a man of good character?
RICHELIEU Listen – ‘Arry is a very wonderful and warm ‘uman being.
PROSECUTING COUNSEL M’lud, in view of the impeccable nature of this character witness, may I plead for clemency.
JUDGE It’s only thirty shillings.

Enter a Police Inspector at speed.

INSPECTOR DIM Not so fast!
MR LARCH Why not?
DIM (momentarily thrown) …None of your smart answers! You think you’re so clever… well, I’m Dim.

A caption fills the entire screen ‘Dim of the Yard!’

ALL Consternation! Uproar! Dim!
DIM Yes, and I’ve a few questions I’d like to ask Cardinal so- called Richelieu.
RICHELIEU Bonjour Monsieur le flic Dim.
DIM So-called ‘Cardinal’… I put it to you that you died in December 1642.
RICHELIEU That is correct.
DIM Aha! He fell for my little trap.

Excited applause from the courtroom. Dim bows. Richelieu is dismayed.

RICHELIEU Curse you, Inspector Dim, you are too clever for us naughty people.
DIM Furthermore, I suggest you are none other than Ron Higgins, professional Cardinal Richelieu impersonator.
RICHELIEU It’s a fair cop.
PROSECUTING COUNSEL My life, you’re clever, Dim. He’d certainly taken us in.
DIM It’s all in a day’s work, sir.
JUDGE With a brilliant mind like yours, Dim, you could be something other than a policeman.
DIM True!
JUDGE What?

A piano plays an introduction. Dim clears his throat and starts to sing.

DIM ‘If I were not in the CID, Something else I’d like to be, If I were not in the CID, A window cleaner, me! With a rub-a-dub-dub and a scrub-a-dub-dub And a rub-a-dub all day long, With a rub-a-dub-dub and a scrub-a-dub-dub I’d sing this merry song.’

The court joins in and sings the verse again with him. At the end of the verse the Prosecuting Counsel rises and sings.

PROSECUTING COUNSEL ‘If I was not before the bar, Something else I’d like to be, If I was not a bar-ris-tar, An engine-driver, me! With a chuff-chuff-chuff…’

He suddenly notices that the rest of the court are staring at him in complete amazement. His confidence fades rapidly.

PROSECUTING COUNSEL …chuff …chuff …chuff?

A knight in armour walks up behind him and hits him over the head with a dead chicken.

Source MONTY PYTHON’S FLYING CIRCUS, 19 October 1969

Original cast PROSECUTING COUNSEL John Cleese
MR LARCH Eric Idle
MRS FIONA LEWIS Graham Chapman
JUDGE Terry Jones
CARDINAL RICHELIEU Michael Palin
INSPECTOR DIM Graham Chapman