A Cheese Emporium. Despite its considerable size, it is quaint in an old-fashioned and charming way. An assistant stands behind the counter. At the far end of the shop two grey-suited men are doing a Greek dance to the accompaniment of a bouzouki. A customer enters.

ASSISTANT Good morning, sir.
CUSTOMER Good morning. I was sitting in the public library in Thurmond Street just now, skimming through ROGUE HERRIES by Horace Walpole, when I suddenly came over… all esurient.
ASSISTANT Esurient, sir?
CUSTOMER Peckish…
ASSISTANT …Ah!
CUSTOMER So I thought to myself, a little fermented curd will do the trick. Igitur, I curtailed my Walpolling activities, sallied forth, and infiltrated your place of purveyance to negotiate the vending of some cheesy comestibles.
ASSISTANT …Come again?
CUSTOMER I want to buy some cheese.
ASSISTANT Oh. I thought you were complaining about the music.
CUSTOMER Heaven forbid! I am one who delights in all manifestations of the Terpsichorean muse.
ASSISTANT Sorry?
CUSTOMER I like a nice dance, you’re forced to! So my good man… some cheese, please…
ASSISTANT Yes, certainly, sir. What would you like?
CUSTOMER Well, how about a little Red Leicester?
ASSISTANT I’m afraid we’re fresh out of Red Leicester, sir.
CUSTOMER Never mind. How are you on Tilsit?
ASSISTANT Never at the end of the week, sir, we always get it fresh first thing on Monday.
CUSTOMER Tush, tush. No matter. Well, four ounces of Caerphilly, if you please, stout yeoman.
ASSISTANT Ah… It’s been on order for two weeks. I was expecting it this morning.
CUSTOMER I see. It’s not my lucky day, is it? Um… Bel Paese?
ASSISTANT Sorry, sir.
CUSTOMER Red Windsor?
ASSISTANT Normally, sir, yes. But today the van broke down.
CUSTOMER Do you have any Stilton?
ASSISTANT Not as such.
CUSTOMER Emmenthal?
ASSISTANT We just sold the last slice, sir.
CUSTOMER Any Norwegian Jarlsberger perhaps?
ASSISTANT I’m afraid not.
CUSTOMER Liptauer?

The assistant checks.

ASSISTANT …No.
CUSTOMER Lancashire?
ASSISTANT …No.
CUSTOMER White Stilton?
ASSISTANT No.
CUSTOMER Danish Blue?
ASSISTANT No.
CUSTOMER Double Gloucester?
ASSISTANT No.
CUSTOMER Cheshire?
ASSISTANT No.
CUSTOMER Any Dorset Blue Vinney?

The assistant checks very carefully.

ASSISTANT …No.
CUSTOMER Brie? Roquefort? Pont L’Eveque? Port Salut? Savoyard? Saint Paulin? Carre de L’Est? Boursin? Bresse Bleu? Camembert?
ASSISTANT Ah! We DO have Camembert, sir.
CUSTOMER You do?! Excellent!
ASSISTANT …It’s a bit RUNNY, sir.
CUSTOMER Oh, I LIKE it runny.
ASSISTANT As a matter of fact, it’s VERY runny, sir.
CUSTOMER No matter, no matter. Hand over le fromage de la belle France qui s’appelle Camembert, s’il vous plait.
ASSISTANT …I think it’s runnier than you’ll like it, sir.
CUSTOMER I don’t care how fucking runny it is, my man. Hand it over with all speed.
ASSISTANT Yes sir.

He disappears below the counter to get it. A pause.

ASSISTANT (out of vision) Ooooh…
CUSTOMER What?

The assistant straightens up, looking crestfallen.

ASSISTANT The cat’s eaten it.
CUSTOMER …HAS he…
ASSISTANT SHE, sir.
CUSTOMER (showing grace under pressure) Gouda?
ASSISTANT No.
CUSTOMER Edam?
ASSISTANT No.
CUSTOMER Caithness?
ASSISTANT No.
CUSTOMER Smoked Austrian?
ASSISTANT No.
CUSTOMER Sage Derby?
ASSISTANT No, sir.

A pause. The customer surveys the shop.

CUSTOMER You DO have some cheese, do you?
ASSISTANT Certainly, sir. It’s a cheese SHOP, sir. We’ve got…
CUSTOMER No, don’t tell me! I’m keen to guess…
ASSISTANT Fair enough…
CUSTOMER Wensleydale?
ASSISTANT Yes, sir?
CUSTOMER Splendid! Well, I’ll have some of that, please.
ASSISTANT Oh, I’m sorry, sir! I thought you were referring to me – Mr Arthur Wensleydale – that’s my name, sir.

A minimale pause.

CUSTOMER Gorgonzola?
ASSISTANT Er… um… nnnnnnnope.
CUSTOMER Parmesan? Mozzarella? Pippo Creme? Danish Finbo? CzechoŽ slovakian sheep’s milk chees?… Any Venezuelan Beaver cheese?
ASSISTANT Not TODAY, sir, no.
CUSTOMER Well let’s keep it simple. How about… CHEDDAR?
ASSISTANT I’m afraid we don’t get much call for it round these parts, sir.
CUSTOMER NOT MUCH CALL for it?! It’s the single most popular cheese in the WORLD…
ASSISTANT NOT round these part, sir.
CUSTOMER Pray, what IS the most popular cheese round these parts, Mr Wensleydale?
ASSISTANT ILCHESTER, sir.
CUSTOMER …I see.
ASSISTANT Yes, sir! It’s staggeringly popular in this manor, squire.
CUSTOMER IS it?
ASSISTANT In fact… it’s our number one seller!
CUSTOMER IS it now?
ASSISTANT YES, sir!
CUSTOMER Ilchester, eh?

He digests this information.

CUSTOMER OK, I’m game! ‘Have you got any?’ he asks, expecting the answer ‘No’.
ASSISTANT I’ll have a look, sir.

Slowly the assistant looks round the shop. This takes some time.

ASSISTANT Nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnno.
CUSTOMER (reflectively) …It’s not much of a cheese shop, is it, really?
ASSISTANT Finest in the district, sir.
CUSTOMER And WHAT leads you to that conclusion?
ASSISTANT Well, it’s so clean, sir!
CUSTOMER It’s certainly uncontaminated by cheese.
ASSISTANT You haven’t asked me about the Limberger, sir.
CUSTOMER …Is it WORTH it?
ASSISTANT Could be…
CUSTOMER …OK! Have you…

He suddenly spins round and screams at the Greek dancers.

CUSTOMER WILL YOU SHUT THAT BLOODY DANCING UP!!!

The dancers stop.

ASSISTANT (to the Dancers) Told you so…

The customer clears his throat, straightens his tie, and smiles charmingly.

CUSTOMER Have you got any Limberger?
ASSISTANT (sadly) Nope.
CUSTOMER Well, that figures. It was quite predictable really, I suppose. In fact, it was an act of the purest optimism to have posed the query in the first place. Tell me something…
ASSISTANT Yes, sir?
CUSTOMER And I what you to answer this question absolutely truthfully…
ASSISTANT Very well, sir.
CUSTOMER Do you, in fact, have ANY cheese here at all?
ASSISTANT Yes, sir.
CUSTOMER You do?
ASSISTANT No, sir, we haven’t. I was deliberately wasting your time, sir.
CUSTOMER Well, in that case… I’m going to have to shoot you.
ASSISTANT All right, sir.

The customer pulls out a Colt 45 and shoots the assistant between the eyes.

CUSTOMER What a senseless act of violence. Nevertheless, I shall plead contributory negligence.

Source MONTY PYTHON’S FLYING CIRCUS, 30 November 1972

Original cast ASSISTANT Michael Palin
CUSTOMER John Cleese
DANCERS Graham Chapman & Terry Jones