A large, slightly dusty educational type of institution. In the reception area sits a person of the female persuasion, typing. Mr Reg Punter enters and approaches her.

PUNTER Good morning.
RECEPTIONIST Good morning, sir. Can I help you?
PUNTER Well, I’d like to have an argument, please.
RECEPTIONIST Certainly, sir. Have you been here before?
PUNTER No, this is my first time.
RECEPTIONIST I see. Do you want to have a single argument, or were you thinking of taking a course?
PUNTER Well… what would be the cost?
RECEPTIONIST It’s two pounds for a five-minute argument, but only fifteen pounds for a course of ten.
PUNTER I see… well, I think it’s probably best if I start with the one, and see how it goes…
RECEPTIONIST Fine – I’ll see who’s free at the moment.

She consults her file.

RECEPTIONIST Er… Mr Ouspensky is free, but he’s a little bit conciliatory. Yes… try Mr Nicoll, Room 12.
PUNTER Thank you.

Punter walks in the direction indicated, sees Room 12, knocks and enters.

NICOLL (shouting) What do you want?
PUNTER …Well, I was told outside…
NICOLL Don’t give me that, you snotty-faced heap of parrot droppings!
PUNTER What?!
NICOLL Shut your festering gob, you tit! Your type makes me PUKE! You vacuous, toffee-nosed, scrofulous pervert!
PUNTER Look! I came here for an argument, not to be…
NICOLL Oh!… Oh, I’m sorry! This is ABUSE.
PUNTER Ah!
NICOLL No, no. You want 12A, next door.
PUNTER I see, sorry!
NICOLL Not at all, that’s all right.

Punter exits.

NICOLL Stupid git.

Punter goes to the next door, and knocks.

BENNETT Come in!

Punter enters.

PUNTER Er… Is this the right room for an argument?
BENNETT …I’ve told you ONCE.
PUNTER No you haven’t.
BENNETT Yes I have.
PUNTER When?
BENNETT Just now!
PUNTER No you didn’t.
BENNETT Yes I did.
PUNTER Didn’t.
BENNETT Did.
PUNTER Didn’t.
BENNETT I’m telling you I did!
PUNTER You did not!
BENNETT Oh, I’m sorry… I should have asked… Is this a five-minute argument or the full half hour?
PUNTER Oh!

He smiles with relief.

PUNTER Just the five-minute one.

Bennett notes this.

BENNETT Fine.. thank you. Anyway, I did.
PUNTER You most certainly did not.
BENNETT Now let’s get this thing QUITE clear. I most definitely told you.
PUNTER You did not.
BENNETT Yes I did.
PUNTER You did not.
BENNETT Yes I did.
PUNTER You didn’t.
BENNETT Yes I did.
PUNTER You didn’t.
BENNETT Yes I did.
PUNTER You didn’t.
BENNETT Yes I did.
PUNTER Didn’t!
BENNETT Yes I did.
PUNTER …Look, THIS isn’t an argument
BENNETT Yes it is.
PUNTER No it isn’t, it’s just contradiction.
BENNETT No it isn’t!
PUNTER Yes it is.
BENNETT It is no!
PUNTER It is! You just contradicted me!
BENNETT No I didn’t!
PUNTER Ooh, you did!
BENNETT No, no, no, no, no…
PUNTER You did, just then!
BENNETT Nonsense.
PUNTER Oh, look… this is futile.
BENNETT No it isn’t!
PUNTER I came here for a good argument.
BENNETT No you didn’t. You came here for an ARGUMENT.
PUNTER Well, argument’s not the same as contradiction.
BENNETT It can be.
PUNTER No it can’t! An argument’s a collected series of statement to establish a definite position.
BENNETT No it isn’t!
PUNTER Yes it is, it isn’t just contradiction.
BENNETT It can be.
PUNTER But it isn’t just saying ‘No it isn’t’.
BENNETT Yes it is!
PUNTER It isn’t. Argument’s an intellectual process – contradiction is just the automatic gainsaying of anything the other person says.
BENNETT No it isn’t.
PUNTER Yes it IS!
BENNETT Not at all.
PUNTER Now look, I…

Bennett suddenly rings a bell on his desk, notes the time and makes an entry in a file. Punter stares.

BENNETT Thank you. Good morning.
PUNTER What?
BENNETT That’s it… good morning.
PUNTER But I was just getting interested.
BENNETT Sorry, the five minutes is over.
PUNTER …That was NEVER five minutes…
BENNETT I’m afarid it was.
PUNTER (quickly) No it wasn’t!
BENNETT …Sorry. I’m not allowed to argue any more.
PUNTER What?
BENNETT If you want me to go on arguing, you’ll have to pay for another five minutes.
PUNTER But that was never five minutes just now… Oh, come on!

A pause.

PUNTER Oh, this is ridiculous!
BENNETT I’m very sorry, but as I told you, I’m not allowed to argue unless you pay.
PUNTER Oh, all right…

Punter takes his wallet out and gives Bennett the fee.

PUNTER There you are.
BENNETT Thank you.

Bennett pockets it and looks at Punter.

PUNTER Well?
BENNETT ‘Well’ what?
PUNTER That was never five minutes just now.
BENNETT (with great patience) I told you, I’m not allowed to argue unless you pay.
PUNTER (flabbergasted) …I just paid!
BENNETT No you didn’t.
PUNTER I did!
BENNETT You didn’t!
PUNTER I did!
BENNETT You didn’t!
PUNTER I did! Look – I don’t want to argue about that.
BENNETT Well, I’m very sorry, but you didnt’t pay!
PUNTER …Aha! Well, if I didn’t pay, why are you arguing?

A pause.

PUNTER Got you!
BENNETT …No you haven’t.
PUNTER Yes I have! If you’re arguing, I MUST have paid.
BENNETT Not necessarily… I COULD be arguing in my spare time.
PUNTER Oh, I’be had enough of this.
BENNETT (quickly) No you haven’t!
PUNTER Oh, shut up!

Punter storms out of the room and walks hurriedly into another skit.

Source MONTY PYTHON’S FLYING CIRCUS, 2 November 1972

Original cast Mr PUNTER Michael Palin
Mr NICOLL Graham Chapman
Mr BENNETT John Cleese