ESSENCE

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Martial (A.D. 40?-102?) Roman Poet and Epigrammatist

Lawyers are men who hire out their words and anger.

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John Stringer Quoted in: Poetic Justice, edited by J. A. Roth

A lawyer is someone who defends your interest, and takes the principal.

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T-Shirt Slogan

Lawyer: Individual whose principal role is to protect his clients from other members of his profession.

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Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?) American Journalist and Author The Devil’s Dictionary

Lawyer, n. One skilled in circumvention of the law.

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Franz Kafka (1883-1924) Austrian Writer

Lawyers: persons who write a 10,000 word document and call it a brief.

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Anonymous

A judge is a man who ends a sentence with a sentence.

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Robert Frost (1874-1963)American Poet

A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer.

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Finley Peter Dunne (1867-1936)American Humorist and Journalist Mr. Dooley

An appeal is when ye ask wan court to show its contempt for another court.

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Italian Proverb

Lawsuit: A fruit-tree planted in a lawyer’s garden.

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Henny Youngman (b. 1906)American Comedian

It takes a whole lot of suits to keep a lawyer well dressed.

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Anonymous

Lawyer – One who helps you get what’s coming to him.

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Anonymous

Lawyer: a man who profits by your experience.

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Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?) American Journalist and Author The Devil’s Dictionary

Litigation, n. A machine which you go into as a pig and come out of as a sausage.

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Bennett Cerf (1898-1971)American Publisher and Editor

Litigant: One who fails to realize that the only party who makes money out of litigation is the lawyer.

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Henry Brougham (1778-1868) British Jurist and Politician

Lawyer – A learned gentleman who rescues your estate from your enemies and keeps it himself.

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H. L. Mencken (1880-1956) American Editor, Author and Critic

Lawyer: one who protects us against robbery by taking away the temptation.

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Jane Bryant Quinn (b. 1939) American Personality

Lawyers are…operators of the toll bridge which anyone in search of justice must pass.

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H. L. Mencken (1880-1956) American Editor, Author, and Critic

A judge is a law student who marks his own examination papers.

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Louis XII (1462-1515) French King

Lawyers – Those who use the law as shoemakers use leather; rubbing it, pressing it, and stretching it with their teeth, all to the end of making it fit their purposes.

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Charles Macklin (1697?-1797)(Charles McLaughlin) Irish Actor and Playwright

The law is a sort of hocus-pocus science that smiles in your face while it picks your pocket.

Opposites

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Tryon Edwards (1809-1894) American Theologian

Lawyers on opposite sides of a case are like the two parts of shears; they cut what comes between them, not each other.

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Voltaire (1694-1778) (Francois Marie Arouet) French Historian & Writer

I was never ruined but twice; once when I lost a lawsuit, and once when I won one.

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Sholem Aleichem (1859-1916) Russian Rabbi, Humorist and Writer

Lawyers are just like physicians: what one says, the other contradicts.

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Thomas Jefferson (1743-1826)American – 3rd President of the United States

It is the trade of lawyers to question everything, yield nothing, and to talk by the hour.

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Vincent S. Lean (1820-1899) Collectanea

Two attorneys can live in a town where one cannot.

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Charles Lamb (1775-1834)English Essayist

He is no lawyer who cannot take two sides.

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Danish Proverb Lawyers and painters can soon change white to black.

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Chinese Proverb

A piece of paper, blown by the wind into a law court may in the end only be drawn out again by two oxen.

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Arthur J. Balfour (1848-1930) British Politician

Law is like a mousetrap; easy to enter but not easy to get out of.

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Mark Twain (1835-1910) (Samuel Langhorne Clemens) American Humorist

If you laid all our laws end to end, there would be no end.

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Benjamin Disraeli (1804-1881) English Statesman and Author

When men are pure, laws are useless; when men are corrupt, laws are broken.

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Gilbert K. Chesterton (1874-1936) English Novelist and Essayist

When you break the big laws, you do not get liberty; you do not even get anarchy. You get the small laws.

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Anacharsis (fl. B.C. 600) Scythian Philosopher

These written laws are just like spiders’ webs; the small and feeble may be caught and entangled in them, but the rich and mighty force through and despise them.

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Honore deBalzac (1799-1850) French Novelist

Laws are spider webs through which the big flies pass and the little ones get caught.

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Samuel Butler (1835-1902) English Novelist and Satirist

Justice is being allowed to do whatever I like. Injustice is whatever prevents me doing it.

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Johann von Schiller (1759-1805) German Dramatist, Poet and Historian

It is criminal to steal a purse, daring to steal a fortune, a mark of greatness to steal a crown. the blame diminishes as the guilt increases.

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Blaise Pascal (1623-1662) French Scientist and Philosopher

Justice without strength is helpless, strength without justice is tyrannical. Unable to make what is just strong, we have made what is strong just.

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George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950) British Dramatist, Critic, Novelist and Wit

When a man wants to murder a tiger, he calls it sport: when the tiger wants to murder him, he calls it ferocity. The distinction between crime and justice is no greater.

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Lenny Bruce (1926-1966) American Comedian

In the Halls of Justice the only justice is in the halls.

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Norman Douglas (1868-1952)English Writer

Justice is too good for some people, and not good enough for the rest.

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Benjamin Disraeli (1804-1881) English Statesman and Author

Justice is truth in action.

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Derek Bok American Educator

There is far too much law for those who can afford it and far too little for those who cannot.

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Anonymous

There are two kinds of lawyers: those who know the law and those who know the judge.

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Danish Proverb Danish Proverb

“Virtue in the middle,” said the Devil, as he sat down between two lawyers.

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Unknown

Law school is the opposite of sex. Even when it’s good it’s lousy.

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Calvin Trillin (b. 1935)American Writer

If law school is so hard to get through, how come there are so many lawyers?

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John Mortimer

No brilliance is needed in the law. Nothing but commonsense, and relatively clean fingernails.

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Richard Steele (1672-1729)British Essayist and Playwright

What’s the first excellence in a lawyer? Tautology. What the second? Tautology. What the third? Tautology.

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Donald M. Fraser

Under current law, it is a crime for a private citizen to lie to a government official, but not for the government official to lie to the people.

Insight

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Jonathan Swift (1667-1745)English Author

Laws are like cobwebs, which may catch small flies, but let wasps and hornets break through.

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William Shenstone (1714-1763) English Poet and Landscape Gardener

Laws are generally found to be nets of such texture, as the little creep through, the great break through, and the middle size are alone entangled in.

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Joseph Hodges Choate (1832-1917)American Lawyer and Diplomat

You cannot live without lawyers, and certainly you cannot die without them.

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Edgar Watson Howe (1853-1937) American Journalist and Author

If a man dies and leaves his estate in uncertain condition, the lawyers become his heirs.

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Addison Mizner (1872-1933)American Architect

Where there’s a will, there’s a lawsuit.

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Samuel Butler (1835-1902) English Novelist and Satirist

A lawyer’s dream of heaven – every man reclaimed his property at the resurrection, and each tried to recover it from all his forefathers.

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Wilson Mizner (1876-1933) American Dramatist and Wit

I’ve had ample contact with lawyers, and I’m convinced that the only fortune they ever leave is their own.

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Edgar Watson Howe (1853-1937) American Journalist and Author

There are few grave legal questions involved in a poor estate.

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William Wycherly (1640-1716)English Dramatist

A man without money needs no more fear a crowd of lawyers than a crowd of pickpockets.

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Barten Holyday Quoted ineter’s Quotations, ed. Laurence J. Peter

A man may as well open an oyster without a knife, as a lawyer’s mouth without a fee.

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Warren Burger American – Chief Justice, U.S. Supreme Court

It is not unprofessional to give free legal advice, but advertising that the first visit will be free is a bit like a fox telling chickens he will not bite them until they cross the threshold of the hen house.

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Anonymous Quoted in: Lawyer’s Quotation Book, J. Reay-Smith, ed.

A solicitor’s account: To my professional charges for crossing the street to greet you, and discovering that it was not you, crossing the street again.25 guineas.

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Samuel Butler (1835-1902) English Novelist and Satirist

In law nothing is certain but the expense.

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Evelle J. Younger American Lawyer and Politician

An incompetent attorney can delay a trial for months or years. A competent attorney can delay one even longer. others may be decorated with their feathers.

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Jewish Parable

Two farmers each claimed to own a certain cow. While one pulled on its head and the other pulled on its tail, the cow was milked by the lawyer.

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Samuel Johnson (1709-1784) English Writer and Critic

The plaintiff and defendant in an action at law, are like two men ducking their heads in a bucket, and daring each other to remain longest under water.

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Moses Crowell

It is a secret worth knowing that lawyers rarely go to law.

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Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr. (1841-1935)American Jurist

Lawyers spend a great deal of their time shoveling smoke.

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Samuel Goldwyn (1882-1974)(Samuel Goldfish) American Motion Picture Producer

A verbal contract isn’t worth the paper it’s written on.

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Edward Ward (1667-1731) English Tavern Keeper and Humorist Quoted in: Poetic Justice, ed. J. A. Roth

A good lawyer is a great liar.

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H. L. Mencken (1880-1956) American Editor, Author, and Critic

Jury: a group of twelve men who, having lied to the judge about their hearing, health and business engagements, have failed to fool him.

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H. L. Mencken (1880-1956) American Editor, Author, and Critic

The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail; if it were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence.

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Jean Giraudoux (1882-1944)French Author and Essayist Tiger at the Gates

There is no better way of exercising the imagination than the study of law. No poet ever interpreted nature as freely as a lawyer interprets the truth.

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David Ferguson Quoted in: Barnes & Noble Book of Quotations

Show me the man and I’ll show you the law.

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Warren Burger American – Chief Justice, U.S. Supreme Court

We may all be on our way to a society overrun by hordes of lawyers, hungry as locusts, and brigades of judges in numbers never before contemplated.

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Washington Irving (1783-1859) American Short-Story Writer and Essayist

Young lawyers attend the courts, not because they have business there but because they have no business anywhere else.

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Charles Lamb (1775-1834) English Essayist

Lawyers, I suppose, were children once.

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James Gibbons Huneker (1860-1921) American Editor, Critic and Biographer

Lawyers earn a living by the sweat of their browbeating.

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Sydney J. Harris (b. 1917)American Journalist

Bar associations are notoriously reluctant to disbar or even suspend a member unless he has murdered a judge downtown at high noon, in the presence of the entire committee on Ethical Practices.

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Charles Dickens (1812-1870) English Novelist Bleak House

The one great principle of the English law is, to make business for itself. There is no other principle distinctly, certainly, and consistently maintained through all its narrow turnings.

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Josh Billings (1815-1885) (Henry W. Shaw) American Humorist and Lecturer

Every man should know something of law; if he knows enough to keep out of it, he is a pretty good lawyer.

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Douglas Jerrold (1803-1857) English Humorist and Playwright

Self-defense is the clearest of all laws, and for this reason: the lawyers didn’t make it.

Positive

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Daniel Webster (1782-1852)American Statesman, Lawyer and Orator

Most good lawyers live well, work hard, and die poor.

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Charles Dickens (1812-1870) English Novelist

If there were no bad people, there would be no good lawyers.

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John Sterling

[The] ideal client is the very wealthy man in very great trouble.

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John Milton (1608-1674) English Poet

Litigious terms, fat contentions, and flowing fees.

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Jerome Weidman Quoted in: Poetic Justice, ed. by J. A. Roth

Being a lawyer is like being a bottle of ketchup in a restaurant that specializes in bad steaks. It covers a multitude of sins.

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Melvin Belli (b. 1907)American Lawyer

There is never a deed so foul that something couldn’t be said for the guy; that’s why there are lawyers.

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Anonymous

Lawyers help those who help themselves.

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Criminal Attorney’s Saying

You get a reasonable doubt for a reasonable price.

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German Proverb

A lawyer and a wagon-wheel must be well greased.

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Anatole France (1844-1924) (Jacques Anatole Thibault) French Novelist

The law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich as well as the poor to sleep under bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal bread.

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F. McKinney Hubbard (1868-1930) American Newspaper Humorist and Caricaturist

Every once in a while you meet a fellow in some honorable walk of life that was once admitted to the bar.

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Benjamin Franklin (1706-1790) American Statesman, Scientist and Philosopher

God works wonders now and then; behold, a lawyer, an honest man.

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Anonymous

Lawyers sometimes tell the truth – they will do anything tow in a case.

Negative

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Charles Colton (1780-1832)English Sportsman and Writer

In civil jurisprudence it too often happens that there is so much law, that there is no room for justice, and that the claimant expires of wrong in the midst of right, as mariners die of thirst in the midst of water.

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Jeremy Bentham (1748-1832)English Philosopher and Jurist

Lawyers are the only persons in whom ignorance of the law is not punished.

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Addison Mizner (1872-1933) American Architect

Ignorance of the law excuses no man – from practicing it.

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PUCK Magazine

Ignorance of the law does not prevent the losing lawyer from collecting his bill.

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Otto von Bismarck (1815-1898) Prussian Statesman and Chancellor

Laws are like sausages. It is better not to see them being made.

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Charles McCabe (1915-1983)American Columnist and Journalist

Most lawyers are swine. And not even nice swine.

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John Keats (1795-1821)English Poet

I think we may class the lawyer in the natural history of monsters.

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G. G. Foster Quoted in: Poetic Justice, ed. by J. A. Roth

Shyster lawyers – a set of turkey buzzards whose touch is pollution and whose breath is pestilence.

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Alan Dershowitz American Legal Scholar

Any profession that suffers from so foul a reputation must, in some way, provoke it.

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Tacitus (55-117 A.D.) Roman Historian

The more corrupt the state, the more numerous the laws.

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Clarence Darrow (1857-1938) American Lawyer and Writer

The trouble with law and government is lawyers.

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Herbert Marcuse (1898-1979) American Political Philosopher

Law and order are always and everywhere the law and order which protect the established hierarchy.

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Oliver Goldsmith (1728-1774) English Poet and Prose Writer

The Traveler Laws grind the poor, and rich men rule the law.

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George S. Halifax (1633-1695) (George Savile) English Statesman

If the laws could speak for themselves, they would complain of the lawyers in the first place.

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Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?) American Journalist and Author

Litigant – A person about to give up his skin for the hope of retaining his bones.

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Samuel George Morton

Law is like a sieve; it is very easy to see through it, but a man must be considerably reduced before he can get through it.

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Spanish Proverb

It is better to be a mouse in a cat’s mouth than a man in a lawyer’s hands.

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Janet Malcolm American Journalist Quoted in: An Uncommon Scold, by Abby Adams

A lawsuit is to ordinary life what war is to peacetime. In a lawsuit, everybody on the other side is bad. A trial transcript is a discourse in malevolence.

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James Gates Percival (1795-1856)American Geologist

…the custom of pleading for any client, without discrimination of right or wrong, must lessen the regard due to those important distinctions, and deaden the moral sensibility of the heart.

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Lucille Kallen Quoted in: Webster’s II New Riverside Desk Quotations

A lawyer’s relationship to justice and wisdom…is on a par with a piano tuner’s relationship to a concert. He neither composes the music, nor interprets it – he merely keeps the machinery running.

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Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?) American Journalist and Author The Devil’s Dictionary

Liar, n. A lawyer with a roving commission.

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John Arbuthnot (1667-1735)Scottish Physician pamphlet title

Law is a bottomless pit.

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Sir Dingwall Bateson (1898-1967)

A solicitor is a man who calls in a person he doesn’t know to sign a contract he hasn’t seen to buy property he doesn’t want with money he hasn’t got.

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George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950) British Dramatist, Critic, Novelist and Wit

All professions are conspiracies against the laity.

Advice

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William Camden (1551-1623)English Scholar

Agree, for the law is costly.

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Anthony Trollope (1815-1882)English Novelist Orley Farm

Always remember that when you go into an attorney’s office, you will have to pay for it, first or last.

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Jean de La Bruyere (1645-1696) French Classical Writer

Avoid law suits beyond all things; they influence your conscience, impair your health, and dissipate your property.

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Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865) American – 16th U.S. President

Discourage litigation. Persuade your neighbors to compromise whenever you can. Point out to them how the nominal winner is often a real loser in fees, expenses and waste of time.

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Unknown

Colonel Compromise is the best and cheapest lawyer.

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Sophocles (B.C. 495-406) Greek Tragic Poet

Nobody has a more sacred obligation to obey the law than those who make the law.

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Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882) American Poet and Essayist Politics

Good men must not obey the laws too well.

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William O. Douglas (1898-1980)American Jurist

The Constitution is not neutral. It was designed to take the government off the backs of people.

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William Blackstone (1723-1780)English Jurist

It is far better that ten guilty persons escape than one innocent suffer.

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Montesquieu (1689-1755)(Rochechouart de Mortemart) French Philosopher

Law should be like death which spares no one.

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Thomas Fuller (1608-1661) English Clergyman and Author Gnomologia

A fox should not be the jury at a goose’s trial.

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Marcus Tullius Cicero (B.C. 106-43) Great Roman Orator, Politician, and Philosopher

When you have no basis for an argument, abuse the plaintiff.

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Charles Dickens (1812-1870) English Novelist Great Expectations

Take nothing on its looks: take everything on evidence. There’s no better rule.

Poetry

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John Gay (1688-1732)English Playwright and Poet

I know you lawyers can with ease Twist words and meanings as you please; That language, by your skill made pliant, Will bend to favor every client.

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William S. Gilbert (1539-1583)English Dramatist and Librettist

And whether you’re an honest man, or whether you’re a thief, Depends on whose solicitor has given me my brief.

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Grace Hibbard (1870?-1911) American Writer and Poet

“Books Received” An Honest Lawyer” – book just out – What can the author have to say? Reprint perhaps of ancient tomb -A work of fiction anyway.

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Samuel Johnson (1709-1784)English Writer and Critic

Here malice, rapine, accident conspire, And now a rabble rages, now a fire; Their ambush here relentless ruffians lay, And here the fell attorney prowls for prey.

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Arthur Garfield Hays (1881-1954)American Lawyer

Where there is a rift in the lute, the business of the lawyer is to widen the rift and gather the loot.

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Anonymous

The law locks up both man and woman Who steals the goose from off the common, But lets the great felon loose Who steals the common from the goose.

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Anonymous

Between grand theft and a legal fee, There only stands a law degree.

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Thomas Lewis Ingram

A shell for thee – And a shell for thee – But the oyster is the lawyer’s fee.

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Woody Guthrie (1912-1967) American Folksinger and Composer

As through this world I’ve travelled,I’ve seen lots of funny men; Some will rob you with a six gun And some with a fountain pen.

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J. Pierpont Morgan (1837-1913)American Industrialist

I don’t want a lawyer to tell me what I cannot do; I hire him to tell me how to do what I want to do.

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Alexander Pope (1688-1744)English Poet, Critic and Translator

The hungry judges soon the sentence sign, And wretches hang that jurymen may dine.

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John Dryden (1631-1700) English Poet, Dramatist and Critic

Nor is the people’s judgment always true; The most may err as grossly as the few.

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Alexander Pushkin

Like to some magistrates grown gray in office Calmly he contemplates alike the just And unjust, with indifference he notes Evil and good, and knows not wrath nor pity.

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Lewis Carroll (1832-1898) (Charles L Dodgson) English Mathematician & Writer

“In my youth,” said his father, “I took to the law, And argued each case with my wife; And the muscular strength which it gave to my jaw Has lasted the rest of my life.

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Harry Bender Quoted in: Poetic Justice, ed. by J. A. Roth

Imagine the appeals Dissents and remandments If lawyers had written The Ten Commandments.

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Rudyard Kipling (1865-1936) English Poet, Novelist and Short-Story Writer

Now these are the Laws of the Jungle, and many and mighty are they; But the head and the hoof of the Law, and the haunch and the hump, is – Obey!

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George Chapman

Who to himself is law no law doth need, Offends no law, and is a king indeed.

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Richard Francis Burton (1821-1890)British Explorer

Do what thy manhood bids do, from not but self expect applause; He noblest lives and noblest dies who makes and keeps his self-made laws.

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William S. Gilbert (1539-1583)English Dramatist and Librettist The Mikado

My object all sublime I shall achieve in time – To make the punishment fit the crime.

Jokes

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Anonymous

Biological laboratories have stopped using rats for their experiments – they now use lawyers. The scientists don’t become attached to them; furthermore, there are some things even a rat won’t do.

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A photographer at a dinner for lawyers come up with a unique way of getting them to smile. He said, “Say fees!”

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Guindon Cartoon Caption

Whatever their other contributions to our society, lawyers could be an important source of protein.

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Q. What’s the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?

A. Lawyers can take off their wingtips.

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While visiting the cemetery, the grieving couple noticed a headstone which read, “HERE LIES A LAWYER AND AN HONEST MAN.” “Look at that,” said the woman, “money’s so tight”

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Alan L. Chamberlain Posted on “The Well”

Q. Why are lawyers buried 25 feet under ground?

A. Cause down deep they’re real nice guys.

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Explaining the fee structure to a client, the attorney said, “What a contingent fee means is that if we lose your suit, I get nothing. And if we win, you get nothing.”

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Quoted in: Treasury of Laughter, edited by Larry Wilde

Some lawyers are just like laundries – they lose your suit but still take you to the cleaner’s.

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Then there was the attorney who introduced herself to her client as a criminal lawyer. The client commended her for being so self-aware.

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Q: Do you have a criminal lawyer in town?

A: Well we think so, but we can’t prove it!

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Then a couple of smart lawyers come along and take it away from you. Court, but again the lawyer won the decision. After the claim was settled the lawyer sent for his client and handed him a dollar bill.” What’s this?” asked the man, looking at the dollar. “That’s your damages, after deducting my fee, the cost of the appeal and other expenses,” replied the attorney. The man looked at the dollar again, turned it over and as settled the lawyer sent for his client and handed him a dollar bill.

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Q. How many lawyers does it take to change a light-bulb?

A. How many can you afford?

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Posted on “The Well”

Q. How bad was the recession of 1991?

A. It was so bad, the lawyers were walking around with their hands in THEIR OWN pockets.

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Anonymous

Lawyer – A college trained person appointed by the court or client to take what’s left.

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Francis Duffy Quoted in: Bennett Cerf’s Treasury of Atrocious Puns

When the army of lawyers get through settling an estate, the friendless beneficiary doesn’t have a legacy to stand on.

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Sign in the office of an estate attorney:

“Where there’s a will, there’s a delay.”

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Finally, there was the attorney who worked day and night just to break the young widow’s will.

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Saul Feldman American Writer Posted on “The Well”

Two lawyers are standing on a street corner and a very pretty woman walks by. Lawyer One: Boy would I like to screw her. Lawyer Two: Out of what?

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Graffiti: Boalt Hall School of Law Quoted in: Poetic Justice, ed. J. A. Roth

She offered her honor He honored her offer. And all night long It was honor and offer.

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Wives And while it’s true that more women than ever are taking up the law and becoming lawyers, the large majority are still laying down the law and becoming wives. clean shirt.

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Bob Abelson Posted on “The Well”

The definition of a skillful lawyer; One who can get a charge of indecent exposure reduced to carrying a revealed weapon.

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Woody Allen (b. 1935) (Allen Konigsberg) American Actor and Director

Some men are heterosexual, and some are bisexual, and some don’t think about sex at all…they become lawyers.

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Quoted in: Treasury of Laughter, edited by Larry WildeHelp Wanted Ad:

“Busy lawyer seeks alert young woman to serve as deceptionist.”

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Jon Rossen Quoted on “The Well”

Q: How can you tell when your lawyer is lying to you?

A: When his lips are moving.

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Talk’s cheap…if lawyers don’t do the talking.

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Quoted on “The Well”

Q:What’s the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of horse manure?

A: The bucket.

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Mae West (1893?-1980) American Actress and Playwright

It ain’t no sin if you crack a few laws now and then, just so long as you don’t break any.

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George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950) British Dramatist and Wit Major Barbara

He is always breaking the law. He broke the law when he was born: his parents were not married.

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Posted on “The Well”

Q:Why does New Jersey have so many toxic waste dumps while New York has so many lawyers?

A: New Jersey got first choice.

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Posted on: CompuServe

Q:What do you get when you cross a lawyer with an organized crime boss?

A: An offer you can’t understand.

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Peter Arno (1904-1968)American Clergyman Quoted in: Lawyer’s Quotation Book, J. Reay-Smith, ed.

He has his law degree and a furnished office. It’s just a question now of getting him out of bed.

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Fred Allen (1894-1956)American Radio Wit

I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back.

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Lawyer: When I was a boy my highest ambition was to be a pirate.

Client: You’re in luck. It isn’t every man who can realize the dreams of his youth.

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David Gans Posted on “The Well”

Q:What looks REALLY good on a lawyer?

A: A Doberman. 510

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Clint Sare Posted on: CompuServe

Q:How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?

A: Cut the rope.

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A Russian visiting the U.S. was equally confused by the legal system.” It is most strange,” he said.” At night it is the jury which is locked up, while the defendant is permitted to go home.”

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Jay Cornell Posted on “The Well”

A man walks into a bar with an alligator. He says to the bartender, “Do you serve lawyers here?” The bartender says, “Sure.” The man says, “OK, give me a beer and I’ll have a lawyer for my alligator.”

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Robert Frost (1874-1963)American Poet

A successful lawsuit is the one worn by a policeman.

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Young Man: What is a lawyer, Dad?

Father: A lawyers, my son, is a man who induces two other men to strip for a fight, then runs off with their clothes.

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He is a real lawyer. In fact, he even named his daughter Sue.

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Judge Blagden

A witness cannot give evidence of his age unless he can remember being born.

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The prosecuting attorney faced the witness.” Isn’t it true the defendant talks to himself when alone?”

“Couldn’t say. Never been with him when he was alone.”

The lawyer replied, “Looking for loopholes.”

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A witness kept answering questions with, “Well, I think…””Don’t think, Madam,” interrupted the lawyer. “Tell us what you know, not what you think.” Well I’m not a lawyer,” she shot back. “I can’t talk Defendant.”Just get me one good witness.”

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Q:Have you ever been cross-examined before?

A: Yes, Your Honor, I’m a married man.

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Norm Crosby (b. 1927) American Comedian

When you go into court you are putting your fate in the hands of twelve people who aren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.

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Posted on “The Well”

What’s the difference between a pity and a shame?

A pity is when a busload of lawyers goes into the river. A shame is when there are empty seats.

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If you were at the beach and you saw a lawyer and a doctor drowning and you could only save one of them, would you:

a. Continue reading your paper, or,

b. Go out to lunch.

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Monique La Wallone Belgian Comedienne

Q:What is it when one lawyer is in the river?

A: It is the pollution.

Q: And what is it when all the lawyers are in the river?

A: It is the solution.

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Q: How are a single sperm cell and a lawyer similar?

A: They each have a one in five billion chance of becoming a human being.

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Q:Why don’t lawyers go to the beach?

A: Because cats keep covering them up with sand.