A very rich man, who was very close to his money, got together with his closest friends one day, who happened to be a Priest, a Doctor, and a Lawyer (or course.)

The Rich Man was very old, and getting older, and was thinking about his approaching death. He told his three friends this, and asked them to do a favor for him when he died.

“Here are three envelopes, each contain $100,000, one for each of you. I don’t wish to go to the afterlife without my money. Please, when I am buried, would each of you throw your envelopes into the grave on top of my coffin?”

The three friends agreed, and took the envelopes.

Sure enough (of course) the Rich Man died. At his funeral, the Doctor, the Priest and the Lawyer threw their envelopes on his coffin.

As they were leaving the funeral, the Priest said to the others, “I have a confession to make. The church needed a new altar badly, so I . . . I took $5000 to buy it,” and looked at his feet.

The Doctor said, “Well, since you’ve admitted it, I too must confess that I took the money. The children’s hospital where I work needed a new, expensive X-ray machine, so I took $30,000 to buy it.”

The Doctor and the Priest both turned to the lawyer, expecting a similar confession. Instead, he said “Oh, now, I didn’t take any of the money. I put a check for the entire $100,000 in the envelope!”

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What’s the difference between a dead rattlesnake on the road and a dead lawyer on the road?

There are no skid-marks in front of the lawyer.

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Why is it that so many lawyers have broken noses?
From chasing parked ambulances.

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Where can you find a good lawyer?
In the cemetery

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What’s the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
A gigolo only screws one person at a time.

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What’s the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A vampire only sucks blood at night.

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A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living.

“Tim, you be first,” she said. “What does your mother do all day?” Tim stood up and proudly said, “She’s a doctor.”

“That’s wonderful. How about you, Amie?” Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, “My father is a mailman.”

“Thank you, Amie,” said the teacher. “What about your father, Billy?” Billy proudly stood up and announced, “My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse.”

The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day, she went to Billy’s house and rang the bell. Billy’s father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation.

Billy’s father said, “I’m actually an attorney. But how can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?”

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The scene is heaven, with three men standing at the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter says to the first man, “Let’s see, you’re Mr. Jones, the engineer. We’ve been expecting you. Please follow me.” Saint Peter leads him down a hall to a door marked #101.

“This is where you’ll be staying Mr. Jones,” says Saint Peter as he opens the door. Inside is a dark, dank, cold, musty room. Water is dripping from the rocklike walls where torture equipment is hanging. Chained to the center of the floor is a growling, fierce-looking dog.

Mr. Jones steps in and a loud voice cries out from above,
“Mr.Jones! You have sinned!”

Saint Peter closes the door and returns to the remaining two men waiting at the entrance gate.

“And you are Mr. Smith, the doctor”, Saint Peters addresses the second man. “You are in room 102. Please follow me.” Once again when the door is opened this room is dark and dank, water dripping down the walls with horrible torture equipment hanging everywhere, and a growling, snarling dog chained to the center of the floor.

As Mr. Smith steps in, a voice from above cries,
“Mr. Smith! You have sinned!”

Saint Peter closes the door and returns to the last man waiting at the entrance gate.

“And you must be Mr. Brown, the lawyer. We have been waiting for you. You are in room number 103. Please follow me.” When they get to room #103, Saint Peter opens the door to reveal another dark, musty, gloomy room with torture equipment hanging from the water dripping walls.

But in the center of the room stands Bo Derek. As the lawyer steps in the room the voice cries out,
“Bo Derek! You have sinned!”

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The lawyer died. Having not lived an all-that-honest life he found himself at the gates of Hell. “Welcome to Hell” announced the Devil greeting him warmly. “Glad you could join us. As your last taste of free will, you are allowed to choose which of three possible places that you will spend the rest of eternity.”

There were three doors behind the Devil. He opened the first door. Flames shot into the room and the lawyer could see thousands of people amidst the fire. “No” said the lawyer. “Not this one.”

The Devil opened the second door. The lawyer could see thousands of people slaving away at a large rockpile. They were all being whipped as they hammered the large boulders into smaller boulders. “No” again said the lawyer.

Finally, the devil opened up that last door which showed thousands of people in a incredibly large lake with vomit up to their chins. All of them were chanting ‘Don’t make waves, don’t make waves…’ “That’s awful!!” commented the lawyer in repulsion.

“You think that’s bad?” asked the devil, “you should see it when the angels spend the weekend here with their motorboats!”

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The Pope died and went to heaven. When he got there, he found a lawyer in line in front of him at the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter came over and told the Pope, “Just a minute, I’ll be right back”.

At that, Saint Peter took the lawyer away.

When Saint Peter came back, he told the Pope, “Follow me to your new quarters.” Along the way they passed many people in their heavenly abodes, and they happened to pass by the quarters of the lawyer who had preceded Saint Peter through the Pearly Gates. The Pope was awe-struck by the opulence and splendor of the lawyer’s quarters. There were fine silks, rare foods and drinks, soft music, and attractive young women to serve him for eternity.

Saint Peter and the Pope finally arrived at the Pope’s new quarters. The Pope looked in and saw a 6 foot by 9 foot room with bare walls, a plain bed and a Bible for entertainment. The Pope said, “I don’t want to sound ungrateful, but I am wondering why the lawyer gets such a magnificent room and I get this small room.

Saint Peter said, “Well, you see, we have a great many popes here in heaven, but only ONE lawyer.”

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How do you save a drowning lawyer?
Throw him a rock.

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Person 1: Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
Person 2: No.
Person 1: GOOD!

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A rabbi, a priest, and a lawyer were all caught in a shipwreck. Naturally, there are a lot of sharks circling around. All of a sudden, one shark darts in and grabs the priest for lunch. No more priest.

The rabbi starts praying frantically, but to no avail, as a shark comes in and eats him, too.

Now the lawyer is really worried, as a shark is coming for him. But, miracle of miracles, the shark puts him on its back, carries him to shore, and lets him off.

The lawyer, curious, waits till the shark is far enough away not to eat him, and asks, “How come you didn’t eat me?” And the shark replies, “Professional Courtesy!”

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Hildago was defeated at Guadalajara. The rebel army was captured on is way through the mountains. All were court martialed and shot, except Hildago, because he was a priest. He was handed over to the bishop of Durango who excommunicated him and returned him to the army where he was then executed.

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It had to happen sooner or later. Lawyer Dobbins was wheeled into the emergency room on a stretcher, rolling his head in agony. Doctor Green came over to see him.

“Dobbins,” he said, “What an honor. The last time I saw you was in court when you accused me of malpractice.”

“Doc. Doc. My side is on fire. The pain is right here. What could it be?”

“How would I know? You told the jury I wasn’t fit to be a doctor.”

“I was only kidding, Doc. When you represent a client you don’t know what you’re saying. Could I be passing a kidney stone?”

“Your diagnosis is as good as mine.”

“What are you talking about?”

“When you questioned me on the stand you indicated you knew everything there was to know about the practice of medicine.”

“Doc, I’m climbing the wall. Give me something.”

“Let’s say I give you something for a kidney stone and it turns out to be a gallstone. Who is going to pay for my court costs?”

“I’ll sign a paper that I won’t sue.”

“Can I read to you from the transcript of the trial? Lawyer Dobbins: ‘Why were you so sure that my client had tennis elbow?’ Dr. Green: ‘I’ve treated hundreds of people with tennis elbow and I know it when I see it.’ Dobbins: ‘It never occurred to you my client could have an Excedrin headache?’ Green: ‘No, there were no signs of an Excedrin headache.’ Dobbins: ‘You and your ilk make me sick.’ ”

“Why are you reading that to me?”

“Because, Dobbins, since the trial I’ve lost confidence in making a diagnosis. A lady cane in the other day limping …”

“Please, Doc, I don’t want to hear it now. Give me some Demerol.”

“You said during the suit that I dispensed drugs like a drunken sailor. I’ve changed my ways, Dobbins. I don’t prescribe drugs anymore.”
“Then get me another doctor.”

“There are no other doctors on duty. The reason I’m here is that after the malpractice suit the sheriff seized everything in my office. This is the only place that I can practice.”

“If you give me something to relieve the pain I will personally appeal your case to a higher court.”

“You know, Dobbins, I was sure that you were a prime candidate for a kidney stone.”

“You can’t tell a man is a candidate for a kidney stone just by looking at him.”

“That’s what you think, Dobbins. You had so much acid in you when you addressed the jury I knew some of it eventually had to crystallize into stones. Remember on the third day when you called me the ‘Butcher of Operating Room 6′? That afternoon I said to my wife, “That man is going to be in a lot of pain.’ ”

“Okay, Doc, you’ve had your ounce of flesh. Can I now have my ounce of Demerol?”

“I better check you out first.”

“Don’t check me out, just give the dope.”

“But in court the first question you asked me was if I had examined the patient completely. It would be negligent of me if I didn’t do it now. Do you mind getting up on the scale?”

“What for?”

“To find out your height. I have to be prepared in case I get sued and the lawyer asks me if I knew how tall you were.”

“I’m not going to sue you.”

“You say that now. But how can I be sure you won’t file a writ after you pass the kidney stone?”

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A certain lawyer was quite wealthy and had a summer house in the country, to which he retreated for several weeks of the year. Each summer, the lawyer would invite a different friend of his (no, that’s not the punch line) to spend a week or two up at this place, which happened to be in a backwoods section of Maine.

On one particular occasion, he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him. The friend, eager to get a freebie off a lawyer, agreed.
Well, they had a splendid time in the country – rising early and living in the great outdoors.

Early one morning, the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian companion went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast. As they went around the berry patch, gathering blueberries and raspberries in tremendous quantities, along came two huge Bears – a male and a female.

Well, the lawyer, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for cover. His friend, though, wasn’t so lucky, and the male bear reached him and swallowed him whole.

The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes, tore into town as fast has he could, and got the local backwoods sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his shotgun and dashed back to the berry patch with the lawyer.

Sure enough, the two bears were still there.

“He’s in THAT one!” cried the lawyer, pointing to the male, while visions of lawsuits from his friend’s family danced in his head. He just had to save his friend.

The sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting an eye, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and SHOT THE FEMALE.

“Whatdya do that for!” exclaimed the lawyer, “I said he was in the other!”

“Exactly,” replied the sheriff, “and would YOU believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the Male?”

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Saint Peter was having a slow day at the Pearly Gates so he took a little stroll. He noticed that the fence between heaven and hell was in need of some repair. So he hollers over the fence to Lucifer.

Saint Peter: “This fence needs some repair. I’ll see to it that it gets fixed if you will help pay for it.”

Lucifer: “If you want it fixed, you pay for it.”

Saint Peter: “The fence is partly your responsibility and you will help pay for it or I will sue you for that amount.”

Lucifer: “Ha!! Where do you think you are going to get a lawyer?!”

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A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, “Do you serve lawyers here?”

“Sure do,” replied the bartender.

“Good,” said the man. “Give me a beer, and I’ll have a lawyer for my ‘gator.”

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A hindu, a rabbi, and a lawyer are traveling together and need to stop for the night. So they stop at the next farmhouse, and find lodging, with the qualification that the house is only big enough for two of them, and one will have to sleep in the barn. So the hindu volunteers and goes out to sleep in the barn while the lawyer and rabbi sleep in the house.

A few minutes later, however, the lawyer and rabbi hear a knock on the door, and opening it, find the hindu who protests “There is a cow in the barn. Surely you can’t expect me to sleep with cattle.” So the rabbi and the lawyer agree that perhaps the rabbi should trade places with the hindu, and the rabbi goes out.

Within a short time, the hindu and the lawyer are getting ready to go to sleep, when again there is a knock on the door. Opening the door they find the rabbi protesting, “There is a pig in the barn. Surely you can’t expect me to sleep with a pig!”.

Weary of the whole problem by this time, the lawyer pulls the rabbi into the house, grabs a blanket and heads for the barn. Almost immediately, there is a third knocking at the door, and opening the door they find the pig and the cow. “Surely you can’t expect us to sleep with a lawyer.”

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There is no better way to exercise the imagination than the study of the law.

No artist ever interpreted nature as freely as a lawyer interprets the truth.
– Jean Giradoux

A small town that cannot support one lawyer can always support two.

There are two kinds of lawyers, those who know the law and those who know the judge.

“I’ll never discuss my lawyer’s character in his absence, so let’s discuss his absence of character!
– Michael Lara

“There is no doubt that my lawyer is honest. For example, when he filed his income tax return last year, he declared half of his salary as ‘unearned income.'”
– ibid

Between grand theft and a legal fee, there only stands a law degree.