(MARKET.EXE):

#include #include #include #include #define say(x) lie(x)
#define computeruser ALL WANT TO BUY OUR BUGWARE
#define soon next year
#define the product is ready to ship another beta version
void main()
(
if (latest window versionone month old)
(
if (there are still bugs)
market(bugfix) ;
if (sales drop below certain point)
raise(RUMOURS ABOUT A NEW BUGLESS VERSION);
}
while(everyone chats about new version)
(
make false promise(it will be multitasking) ; / Standard Call, “in lie.h /
if (rumours grow wilder)
make false promise(it will be plug n play);
if (rumours grow even wilder)
(
market time=ripe;
say(“It will be ready in one month);
order(programmers, stop fixing bugs in old version);
order(programmers, start brainstorm about new version);
order(marketingstaff, permission to spread nonsense);
vapourware=TRUE;
break;
)
)
switch (nasty questions of the worldpress)
(
case WHEN WILL IT BE READY:
say(“It will be ready in”, today+30 days,” we’re just “testing”) ;
break;
case WILL THIS PLUG AND PLAY THING WORK:
say(“Yes it will work”);
ask(programmers, why does it not work);
pretend(there is no problem);
break;
case WHAT ARE MINIMAL HARDWARE REQUIREMENTS:
say(“It will run on a 8086 with lightning speed due to the 32 bits architecture”);
inform(INTEL, “Pentium sales will rise skyhigh”);
inform(SAMSUNG, “Start a new memorychip plant ‘cos all those customers will need at least 32 “megs”);
inform(QUANTUM, “Thanks to our fatware your sales will “triple”) ;
get big bonus(INTEL, SAMSUNG, QUANTUM);
break;
case DOES MICROSOFT GET TOO MUCH INFLUENCE:
say(“Oh no, we are just here to make a better world for everyone”) ;
register(journalist, Big Bill Book) ;
when(time is ripe)
(
arrest(journalist) ;
brainwash(journalist) ;
when(journalist says windows95 is bugfree)
(
order(journalist, “write a nice objective article”);
release (journalist) ;
)
)
break;
)
while (vapourware)
(
introduction date++; I* Delay ‘I
if (no one believes anymore there will be a release)
break;
say(“It will be ready in”,today+ONE MONTH);
)
release(beta version)
while (everyone is dumb enough to buy our bugware)
{
bills bank account += 150 megabucks;
release(new and even better beta version);
introduce(more memory requirements);
if (customers report installation problems)
say(“that is a hardware problem, not a software problem”);
if (smart customer says but you promised plug and play)
(
ignore(customer) ;
order(microsoft intelligence agency, “Keep an eye on this bastard”);
)
)
if (bills bank accountskyhigh L& marriagetwo years )
(
divorce(woman that was beatiful when I married her);
wave(dollars, at lusty chicks) ;
)
if (there is another company)
(
steal(their ideas) ;
accuse(company, stealing our ideas);
hire(a lot of lawyers) ; /* in process.h *I
wait(until other company cannot afford another lawsuit);
buy out(other company);

I* Now everyone realizes that we sell bugware and they are all angry at US *I
order(plastic surgeon, make bill look like poor bastard);
buy(nice little island); hire(harem);
laugh at(everyone, “for having the patience year after year for another unfinished version);
)

void bugfix(void)
(
charge (a lot of money)
if (customer says he does not want to pay for bugfix)
say(“It is not a bugfix but a new version”);
if (still complaints)
{
ignore(customer) ;
register(customer, big Bill book);
/ We’II get him when everyone uses Billware!!*/