1) My dog ate my motherboard.

2) My cat got kitty-liter in my floppy drives.

3) My modem is on vacation.

4) My offline mail reader got a flat and I had to read my messages online (shudder…).

5) My hard drive went into a spin dry cycle.

6) My CPU’s ROM got RAMmed by some stray cosmic rays.

7) The vendor put out a general recall for all machines produced prior to 1906.

8) My computer ran away with a sales rep from GENIE.

9) Someone set my laser printer on “stun”.

10) I poured milk on my serial ports and all my bits got soggy.

11) My backups weren’t done because the FAT table wouldn’t sing.

12) I ran out of food for the hamsters in my power supply

13) My UPS went OOPS!

14) The chocolate chips in my memory card all melted.

15) I plugged my modem into my printer port and now it is diagonally parked in a parallel universe!

16) My modem got depressed, not the blues really…just a purple Hayes.

17) I left a copy of “Iron Man” on my system and my modem left home to study the manly UARTs.

18) I was arrested for stealing taglines

19) I was booked for plagiarizing taglines

20) My printer mysteriously changed to Chinese typefonts

21) My wife cleaned my keyboard in the dishwasher

22) My kids used all my diskettes as frisbees

23) The kids in the neighborhood think diskettes are a new form of baseball card and started trading them.

24) Cliff Stole asked me to help him track some hackers in East Somalia.

25) My computer is laid up with a slipped disk

26) A lightening bolt partitioned my hard drive

27) My computer came down with a virus and the Doctor told me to take two memory chips and pay him in the morning

28) I put in a Sound Blaster card backwards and blew a hole in my motherboard.

29) My operating system, Ms. Dos, got pregnant. Seems she went to see Dr. Dos who informed her UNIX wasn’t a eunuch.

30) My BIOS went ADIOS!

31) My hard disk went floppy (sounds like a personal problem…)

32) My C.P.U. said C.U.L8ER.

33) I can’t figure out how to use Windows since my cat ate my mouse.

34) My V.32bis modem broke and my communication program is rejecting my 300 baud modem as “too slow”.

35) I’m still studying the DSZ docs for the big test next week

36) I’m waiting to replace the broken glass in my Windows

37) My machine got flooded by a .WAV file

38) I forgot how to program the PFkeys on my keyboard

39) My belfry got overloaded with .BAT files

40) My favorite BBS turned me in as a notorious hacker

41) Haven’t had the time since I became a consultant

42) I loss teh diktionari for my spel chequre

43) My modem starting giving ME the -bis!

44) I discovered a fungus had replaced my CMOS!

45a) I accidently zipped up PKUNZIP

45b) I couldn’t unzip PKUNZIP.ZIP

46) My modem is complaining of carpal tunnel from all the handshaking

47) I’m too busy studying for the elections

48) I can’t talk anymore since I lost my .VOC files.

49) My Twit filter twitted me!

50) My Zmodem decided to catch some Z’s.

51) My computer’s attachment cards asked for a divorce!

52) My memory filed for BANKruptcy.

53) My brain ran out of expansion slots

54) My memory overextended itself

55) My Stackered drive just doesn’t have the zip it used to

56) I’m waiting for replacements for my Broken Windows

57) I got a Tagline Parity Error at segment C000:0000

58) I’m too busy trying to catch the Ether Bunny

59) Too depressed about the political situation to reply to the candidates

60) I lapsed into a state of virtual confusion

61) Still waiting for voting-by-modem.

62) I have no time since joining a Karaoke tagline band

63) I had tried to contain myself, but I escaped

64) Lawyers representing the Meek contacted me about my inheritance.

65a) My wife found out I’d been faking uploads all this time

65b) My users found out I’d been faking uploads all this time

65c) My sysop found out I’d been faking uploads all this time

66) I just can’t seem to respond to mail during daylight hours

67) Bonny Anthony decided I was no friend of RIME

68) I was beamed back to my home planet for an urgent meeting

69) I got beat by Quayle at a spelling bee

70) E-mailing is like work; talk about the QWK and dead!

71) I gave it all up to become a happy face

72) I got caught using Elvis stamps on my E-mail

73) They dropped my favorite conferences due to a lack of interest

74) I got caught in an infinite loop trying to think of something

75) I was arrested for trying to take a Byte out of RIME

76) My ROBO message generator ran out of random numbers

77) I’m too busy attending electronic town meetings

78) I’m trying to lose wait

79) I was arbitrarily and capriciously locked out by the sysop!

80) I’m too busy with my BBS addicts support group

81) My tagline file was confiscated by the Secret Service

82) Rush Limbaugh convinced me E-mail was a liberal fax-and-spend plot

83) POSTLINK postdated all my mail so nobody would see it

84) I’m still waiting for the double thermal-pane version of Windows

85) No one finds my mine fields humorous

86) The Mental Hospital had me out on loan.

87) I’ve been looking for a parking space at “the Dome”.

88) I’ve been too busy tearing Wallace stickers off the bumpers of cars and voting for George McGovern for President.

89) I’ve been busy looking for my picture on milk cartons.

90) I’ve been rewinding my system clock.

91) Someone did a QWK shuffle on my E-Mail punch card deck.

92) I dropped my old Hayes modem on my foot…talk about “mega-hurts”.

93) I got behind in my E-Mail and found RIME waits for no man.

94) My modem has these “hang-ups” about my seeing other modems at work.

95) I was arrested for stripping high order bits in public.

96) I’ve been retrofitting my car with a smaller steering wheel for my mouse driver.

97) Do you know how hard it is to find electronic thumbtacks to post E-Mail on an electronic bulletin board?

98) Do you know how easy it is to get shocked licking electronic stamps for electronic mail?

99) I smashed my modem with an AUTOEXEC.BAT!

100) I’m broke this week and just can’t IO without silver.

101) Isn’t it National E-Mail Apathy month?

102) I’ve been busy in the chemistry department trying to make Ethyl Palpitate.

103) I’ve been trying to decide “Where is Joe Merchant?”. (Hint: check the bookshelves under Buffett, Jimmy)

104) I lost the special tinted glasses that came with my RoseReader.

105) CAM-MAIL gave me the shaft

106) I discovered QModem is not part of the Continuum

107) My wife accused me of having Dual Standards