… one slip of the tongue and you’re in deep shit!

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WHICH ONE DOESN’T BELONG?

1) WIFE 2) MEAT 3) CLOCK 4) BLOW-JOB

IT’S #4 BECAUSE . . .
YOU CAN BEAT YOUR WIFE, YOU CAN BEAT
YOUR MEAT, AND YOU CAN BEAT THE CLOCK –
. . . . BUT YOU CAN’T BEAT A BLOW JOB!

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WHY CAN WOMEN ONLY GO 68 MPH ON THE HIGHWAY?

… because at 69 they blow a rod

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HOW DO YOU TELL IF YOU’VE HAD A REALLY GOOD NIGHT OF ORAL SEX?

… YOU WAKE UP WITH A LUMP IN YOUR THROAT AND A STRING HANGING OUT OF YOUR MOUTH

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WHY DID THE PERVERT CROSS THE ROAD?

… because he was stuck to a chicken

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Why did God invent booze?

… so fat ugly chicks could get laid too.

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What is the difference between a 6 and a 10?

… about 6 beers.

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What did Adam say to Eve the first time they had sex?

… “Stand back I don’t know how big it gets!”

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How do you define a “tough guy”?

…he bangs his dick on the side of the urinal to dry it off.

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WHAT DO YOU CALL A HOOKER WITH NO LEGS?

… A NIGHTCRAWLER!

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How do you get a Mexican woman pregnant?

… come on her feet and let the flies do the rest!

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Where do they get virgin wool?

… Ugly sheep.

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Did you hear about the pussy cookie?

… If you take too big a bite, it tastes like shit.

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Do you know why Congress is trying to keep women from swimming in the oceans?

… They can’t get the smell off the fish.

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Know what an “11” is?

… A “10” who doesn’t get headaches.

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Know what a Greek “10” is?

… The back end of a “3”.

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Know the difference between pussy and parsley?

… Nobody eats parsley.

——————————————————————————–

How do you define a really “macho” woman?

. She kickstarts her vibrator – or rolls her own tampons.

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WHY DO WOMEN LIKE TO PLAY PACMAN?

… It’s the only way they know of to get eaten three times for a quarter. — and — WHY DO MEN LIKE TO PLAY PINBALL?

… It’s the only way they can get five balls for a quarter.

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What’s the difference between “kinky” and “erotic?”

… With “kinky” you use the WHOLE chicken.

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What do you get if you cross a nun with a computer?

… A system that won’t go down.

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Why would you want to wrap your hamster in duct tape?

… So it won’t explode when you fuck it.

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Know what is the square root of 69?

… Ate something.

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A nymphomaniac is a girl who likes every man to be in different.

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Why do women have legs?

… So they don’t leave snail tracks on linoleum floors.

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Where are an elephants sex organs?

… In his feet,if he steeps on you your fucked!

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WHAT’S RED & HAS SEVEN LITTLE DENTS?

… SNOW WHITE’S CHERRY!

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What do a nun and Seven-Up have in common?

… “Never had it, never will.”

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Do you know how to get a cross-eyed girl pregnant?

… Why fuck her! of course!

——————————————————————————–

WHAT ARE THE FIVE REASONS FOR NOT WANTING TO BE AN EGG

1. YOU ONLY GET LAID ONCE.

2. YOU ONLY GET EATEN ONCE.

3. IT TAKES YOU SEVEN MIN. TO GET HARD IN BOILING WATER.

4. YOU HAVE TO COME IN A BOX WITH 11 OTHER GUYS.

5. THE ONLY ONE THAT EVER SITS ON YOUR FACE IS YOUR MOTHER.

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WHY DID GOD CREATE WOMEN?

… SHEEP CAN’T COOK.

——————————————————————————–

WHAT’S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN LOVE AND HERPES?

… HERPES LASTS FOREVER.

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WHAT DO YOU CALL A TRUCKLOAD OF VIBRATORS?

… TOYS FOR TWATS.

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WHAT DO YOU CALL A HEARD OF MASTURBATING CATTLE?

… BEEF STROKENOFF.

——————————————————————————–

WHY DOES AN ELEPHANT HAVE FOUR FEET?

… BECAUSE EIGHT INCHES WASN’T ENOUGH

——————————————————————————–

WHAT DO SOY BEANS AND DILDOS HAVE IN COMMON?

… BOTH ARE MEAT SUBSTITUTES.

——————————————————————————–

WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN CHICKEN AND MEAT?

… IF YOU BEAT YOUR CHICKEN IT WOULD DIE.

——————————————————————————–

WHAT DO YOU CALL A COW WITH AN ABORTION?

… DECALFINATED.

——————————————————————————–

WHY DON’T CHICKENS WEAR UNDERWEAR?

… BECAUSE THEIR PECKERS ARE ON THEIR FACE.

——————————————————————————–

WHAT DO YOU CALL A PIMPLE ON A POLACK’S ASS?

… A BRAIN TUMOR

——————————————————————————–

WHAT DO YOU CALL THIS?..(PUFF OUT CHEEKS)

… POLISH SPERM BANK

——————————————————————————–

WHAT DID THE POLACK DO WITH HIS FIRST 50 CENT PIECE?

… MARRIED HER

——————————————————————————–

WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU CROSS A PENIS WITH A POTATO?

… A DICK-TATOR

——————————————————————————–

Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?

… BECAUSE HIS WIFE DIED!

——————————————————————————–

WHAT IS THE DEFINATION OF A BORN LOSER?

… A GUY WHO FALLS INTO A SEA OF TITS AND COMES UP SUCKING HIS THUMB.

——————————————————————————–

Why did the chicken cross the basket ball court??

… Because it heard that the referee was blowing fouls.

——————————————————————————–

What did the blind man say as he walked past the fish market?

… “Morning Ladies!”

——————————————————————————–

A GUY WALKS INTO A BAR WITH AN OCTOPUS ON HIS SHOULDER. THE BARTENDER SAYS YOU CAN’T BRING THAT IN HERE. THE GUY SAYS WHY NOT, HE’S A PET PLUS I’LL BET YOU A DRINK HE CAN PLAY ANY INSTRUMENT IN HERE. BARTENDER SAYS OK HERE’S A TROMBONE, I’LL BET A DRINK HE CAN’T PLAY IT. THE OCTOPUS PICKS IT UP AND STARTS PLAYING A TUNE. BARTENDER IS A LITTLE UPSET AND PULLS OUT A CLARINET AND SAYS, I BET ANOTHER DRINK HE CAN’T PLAY THIS. THE GUY SAYS OK. THE OCTOPUS PICKS UP THE CLARINET AND STARTS PLAYING AWAY ON IT. BY NOW THE BARTENDER IS REALLY UPSET. HE’S HAD TO GIVE THE GUY 2 FREE DRINKS ALREADY.THEN HE REMEMBERS HE HAS AN OLD SET OF BAG-PIPES IN THE BACK. HE TELLS THE GUY, I’LL BET YOU ONE MORE DRINK HE CAN’T PLAY SOMETHING ELSE I HAVE AND THROWS OUT THE BAG-PIPES. THE OCTOPUS TAKES ONE LOOK AT IT AND JUMPS ON IT AND STARTS TRYING TO SCREW IT. THE BARTENDER LAUGHS AND SAYS, I GUESS I WIN. THE GUY SAYS, JUST GIVE HIM A MINUTE. AS SOON AS HE REALIZES HE CAN’T SCREW IT . . . . . . . THEN HE’LL PLAY IT.!

——————————————————————————–

FOLLOWING A LONG ARDUOUS CATTLE DRIVE, THE COWBOY HEADED FOR THE RESTAURANT FOR DINNER. TAKING THE ONLY SEAT LEFT, WHICH WAS NEXT TO A LADY ABOUT 20 YEARS OLD (WHO LOOKED VERY WEALTHY AND EDUCATED), HE OVERHEARD HER PLACE HER ORDER. “I’LL HAVE BREAST OF FOWL, VIRGIN FOWL. MAKE SURE IT’S VIRGIN. CATCH IT YOURSELF. GARNISH MY PLATE WITH ONION AND BRING ME A CUP OF COFFEE, NOT TOO HOT, NOT TOO COLD. AND WAITER, OPEN A WINDOW. I SMELL A HORSE, THERE MUST BE A COWBOY IN THE HOUSE.” THOROUGHLY PISSED, THE COWBOY MADE HIS ORDER. “I’LL HAVE DUCK, FUCKED DUCK. MAKE SURE IT’S FUCKED. FUCK IT YOURSELF. GARNISH MY PLATE WITH HORSESHIT, AND BRING ME A CUP OF COFFEE, STRONG AS TEXAS MULE PISS, AND BLOW THE FOAM OFF WITH A FART. – AND WAITER, KNOCK THE WHOLE DAMN WALL DOWN. I SMELL A CUNT, THERE MUST BE A WHORE IN THE HOUSE.”

——————————————————————————–

THE BUISNESSMAN TOOK THE YOUNG SECRETARY TO A MOTEL ROOM. THE GIRL SEEMED SHY AND INEXPERIENCED, SO THE MAN DECIDED HE WOULD BE HER TUTOR IN THE ART OF LOVE. HE BEGAN BY RUNNING HIS HANDS OVER HER CHEST. DO YOU KNOW WHAT I’M DOING? HE ASKED? NO SHE REPLIED… I’M FONDLING YOUR BREASTS. THEN HE MOVED HIS HAND DOWN TO THE SOFT “Y” BETWEEN HER LEGS AND ASKED, DO YOU KNOW WHAT I’M DOING NOW? WHEN SHE REPLIED NO, H E EXPLAINED HE WAS CARESSING HER CLITORIS. THEN HE BECAME SO AROUSED THAT HE SPREAD HER LEGS AND THRUST HIS PENIS INTO HER. DO YOU KNOW WHAT I’M DOING NOW? HE PANTED. YES, SHE RESPONDED COOLY. YOU’RE CATCHING HERPES . . . . . . .

——————————————————————————–

GIRL WAS COMING HOME FROM A DATE. HER MOTHER HAD WAITED UP FOR HER, AND WHEN THE GIRL WALKED IN THE DOOR, THE MOTHER NOTICED SHE HAD RICE IN HER HAIR. ANNE, SHE SAID, YOU DIDN’T TELL ME YOU WERE GOING TO A WEDDING. I DIDN’T, SHE REPLIED. I WAS GIVING A BLOW JOB TO A CHINAMAN AND HE GOT SICK ALL OVER ME ..

——————————————————————————–

An old indian was feeling out of sorts one day so he went to the medicine man to get some help. After a short discussion it was determined that the man’s problem was that he had never had sex. So he goes to the local cathouse steps up to the madam and says “Have wampum, want woman!” The madam soon finds out he has never had a woman and tells him he must get some experience first and then come back. So the old indian goes back to the medicine man for advice and is told to go into the forest and find a tree with a knothole and practice on it. A few days later the man goes back to the cathouse and says “Got wampum want woman!” This time he tells the madam that he has experience. He goes up to the room, and a short while later an attractive girl comes into the the room and lies down. He says “Get up!” She does. He reaches under the bed and pulls out one of the wood slats from under the frame, and hits her hard across the ass with it. She screems, “What the hell are you doing you pervert!!” He replies, “Checkum for bees!!”. He had indeed gotten experience.

——————————————————————————–

——————————————————————————–

A WHORE CAME INTO A BAR AND SAW A REAL UGLY GUY SITTING AT THE BAR. SHE SAID TO THE BARTENDER, ‘GEE, THAT GUY’S THE UGLIEST GUY I EVER SAW! — SEND HIM A DRINK ON ME!” THEY FINALLY GOT TOGETHER AND SHE PROPOSITIONS HIM. HE SAYS, “GREAT, BUT I’M KINKY”. SHE SAYS “GREAT–I LOVE KINKY MEN. I WON’T CHARGE YOU ANYTHING” OVER AT HER HOUSE HE TELLS HER TO GET NAKED AND DO A HEADSTAND UP AGAINST THE WALL FACING IT. SHE DOES. SHE SAYS “GIVE IT TO ME, BABY!” SHE HEARS THE CLUNK, CLUNK OF THE BELT BUCKLE AND THE CLOMP, CLOMP OF THE SHOES. AFTER FIVE MINUTES SHE WONDERED WHAT WAS GOING ON. SHE SAID, “I’M SO EXCITED BY WAITING. GIVE IT TO ME”. HE SAID, “I ALREADY DID!” SHE TURNED HER RED FACE AROUND ON THE FLOOR AND SAID, “YOU DID?! WHAT DID YOU DO?” HE SAID, “TOLD YOU I WAS KINKY. I SHIT IN YOUR PURSE”

——————————————————————————–

Two young starlets are discussing the sessions they have just had with the movie producer. “Did he give you a good part?” asks one. “No he did not!” replies the other. “Why he made me such a ridiculous offer, I just laughed right in his balls.”

——————————————————————————–

A Polack has always been envious of a friend’s ability to pick up girls at the beach. So one day, he asks how. The friend tells him “I just stick a potato in my swimsuit. The women go crazy for it.” So the polack tries it. A few days later he sees his friend at the beach and has bad news. “That potato trick doesn’t work at all. Women just go out of their way to avoid me these days. The friend says “Well, wear the potato in front next time”.

——————————————————————————–

Tah, rah, rah, boom-bee-ayee,
Have you had yours today?
I got mine yesterday,
With the guy across the way
He paid me ninety cents
To go behind the fence
He pulled my panties down
And laid me on the ground
He shouted, “one, two, three,”
And stuck it into me,
Won’t mommy be surprised,
When she sees my tummy rise!

——————————————————————————–

So this guy walks into a whorehouse and tells the receptionist that he wants to get fucked. So she tells him to go up to room 23, he looks around for a while and finally finds it, knocks on the door and says, “I want to get fucked!”. The girl on the other side says, “OK, slip a twenty under the door”. He searches his wallet, pulls out a twenty and slips it under the door. About 10 minutes later, he knocks on the door again and says, “Hey, where’s my fuck!!!!” The girl says, “You’ve just been fucked, want to try again??”

——————————————————————————–

A fellow drops into to local red light area to get a little action. But he only has a few dollars and asks the Madam to fix him up cheap. She say she can and sends him up to the room and a bit later a rather attractive girl comes in. He is very surprised to get a good looking girl so cheap and they start to have it. He quickly withdraws from the girl and says she feels like sandpaper. She says that is why they call her Sandpaper Sally. She steps into the bathroom and comes back a short time later and they resume. He announces that whatever she did feels much better. When they were finished and relaxing a thought comes to him and he asked her what she did when she was in the bathroom.

——————————————————————————–

——————————————————————————–

A GUY LEAVES HIS PLACE AT THE BAR TO GO RELIEVE HIMSELF. HE COMES BACK ABOUT 10 MINUTES LATER, SITS DOWN AT THE BAR, MUTTERING & SWEARING VERY SOFTLY. THE BAR KEEP APPROACHES THE CUSTOMER AND ASKES WHAT THE PROBLEM IS.
– “OH SOME “SON-UV-A-BITCH” SNUCK UP BEHIND ME WHILE I WAS AT THE URINAL AND PUT A GUN TO MY HEAD”.
– “JESUS CHRIST! WHAT HAPPENED?”
– “HE TOLD ME TO GIVE HIM A BLOW JOB OR HE’D BLOW MY BRAINS OUT!”
– “YEAH, THEN WHAT?”
– “WELL YOU DIDN’T HEAR A GUN SHOT, DID YOU?”

——————————————————————————–

A CLASSROOM FULL OF STUDENTS WAS HAVING “SHOW AND TELL”, AND A FARMER BOY WAS SHOWING HIS HOE, WHEN A BLACK KID RAISED HIS HAND AND SAID, “THAT AIN’T NO HOE, MY SISTER’S A HOE AND SHE DON’T LOOK LIKE THAT”

——————————————————————————–

So there’s this loudmouth guy sitting getting plastered in a bar late one night. He gets pretty drunk and yells to the bar- tender “Hey barkeep, I want to buy a drink for that douchebag at the end of the bar!” The bartender comes over and tells the man that he should remember she is a customer and to be civil. The man nods, but a while later yells to the bartender “Hey listen, I still want to buy that douchebag a drink.” The drinkmaster reminds the man that he runs a respectable establishment and to treat customers with respect. The man says he’s sorry, and the bartender goes to the other end of the bar and tells the woman “the gentleman at the other end of the bar would like to buy you a drink. What would you like” “Great,” the woman says, “I’ll have a vinegar and water.”

——————————————————————————–

A guy walks into a bar with a huge gorilla. The bartender asks him what the deal is and the man says that the gorilla has been specially trained so that when he hits the animal in the jaw, he gives him a blow job. The bartender doesn’t believe it so the man pulls his arm back and punches the gorilla in the face. The gorilla gets up, brushes himself off, and gives the man a BJ. He has to perform the whole trick again for the barkeep, who still doesn’t believe it. The man finally asks the bartender if he wants to try it. “Sure,” he says, “just do not hit me as hard as you hit that gorilla.”

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======== (Reprinted from a newsletter in an office.) ========= We were listening the other day as a group of strident feminists declared that the Women’s Liberation Movement in this decade has brought about the demise of the nasty Male Chauvinist Pig. Possibly. We assume they are referring to the amateur, weekend Male Chauvinist Pig. Not the all-pro Died-in-the-wool variety. For him the women’s movement is a blessing. Look at this way: Before “liberation” if a man wanted “WHAT ALL MEN ARE AFTER” it would take him a good 6 months of court- ship, #376.29 worth of candy, flowers, dinners, phone calls, cute little stuffed animals with gushy Hallmark cards in their paws and lots of fancy talk. Then, once he reached his piggish goal, there was always that “now that we’re engaged, dear….” to be dealt with. It was a nightmare out of Women’s Circle, McCall’s, Redbook, AND Seventeen. With “liberation” our pig is faced with a lot of women who have talked themselves OUT of sentimentality. They hate and suspect romantic trappings.. good-bye stuffed animals. They’re paranoid about career and financial independence, which means their frantic division of all tabs exactly 50-50 saves the pig a lot of money. They believe in their right to sex, so they’re willing to talk freely on the subject and then get right to it. No more coy 6 month waiting period. And then when the pig does slip and say something chauvinistic, all he need do is let his femperson rant for half an hour on the gross inadequacies of men, then look sheepish and explain that he’s sorry but he’s just a victim of societys training and he needs help. Finally, when he grows bored with things, our pig gets out by extending a firm hand and saying, “I want us both to grow and continue to respect each other as individuals but I feel in this relationship we’re cramping each other and though it’s painful, I want to let us part as mature friends.” The translation of which is, “I just met this blond even easier than you.”

——————————————————————————–

A woman goes into a hardware store and wanders around for a while and picks up a hinge. She wanders around a while longer and captures the attention of a clerk, who watches her. She finally settles down in one certain aisle, and just kind of hangs there. Eventually, the clerk walks over to her and asks, “Can I give you a screw for that hinge?” “No,” she says, “but I’ll give you a blowjob for that electric toaster.”

——————————————————————————–

Here’s to the girl who’s afraid of men
Fucked herself with a fountain pen
The pen broke and the ink went wild
And she gave birth to a colored child.

——————————————————————————–

Tell me why, ye gen’rous Swains?
Tell me, ye nymphs upon the Plains?
Why does Sylvia leave the Green?
Has she done any thing obscene?
They all reply’d Your Sylvia’s gone;
For she will do’t with ev’ry one

——————————————————————————–

A sailor is talking about the last time he was on leave. “So it was the first fuckin’ leave in six fuckin’ months. I got out of my fuckin’ uniform at the fuckin’ Y, went to a fuckin’ bar, and picked up a fuckin’ broad. I took her to a fuckin’ hotel, laid her out on the fuckin’ bed, and had sexual intercourse.”

——————————————————————————–

A man is walking by a church one Sunday, and happens by a cute 6 year old girl sitting on the sidewalk, dressed up very nicely, playing with her dog. The man asks, “what is your name little girl?” “Candy,” she says. “They call me that because I like candy so much. And this is my dog Porky.” “They call him that because he likes pork so much?” the man wonders. “No,” she says. “They call him Porky because he likes to fuck pigs.”

——————————————————————————–

Oh, husband, dear husband I tremble with fear,
you’ve been on the night shift for over a year.
And since you are gone all thru the nite,
A real piece of ass seems way out of sight.
Oh husband, dear husband, stop being a fool,
Working the nite shift is wasting your tool.
Its far better to be hungry the rest of your life
than to bring home a dead pecker to your hot naked wife!
I have always been happy, your little queen,
But now when its nite, you’re nowhere to be seen!
You come home in the a.m. barely to creep,
I feel like fucking, you want to sleep!!!
Each morning, dear husband, when you flop into bed
Your intentions are good, but your pecker is D-E-A-D !
Though I have pleaded with you with tears in my eyes
And fondled it gently, that damned thing won’t rise!
So, I’ll get a man who works thru the day,
Then at night while you’re gone, I’ll proceed to make hay!
For in all this world, there is only one sin,
For which there’s no pardon, nor never has been.
And that’s of a man who is foolish and mean,
Who gives up his fucking to fix a machine!!!!!!!

——————————————————————————–

Message on card from male to female:

Scientists determined that the average time of intercourse is four minutes, the average strokes per minute is nine, making the average intercourse consisting of thirty-six strokes. The average penis is six inches letting the average girl receive 216 inches or 18 feet/intercourse. The average girl does it about 3 times a week, 50 weeks a year, and 150 times 18 makes 2,700 feet or just a little over half mile!

So, if you’re not getting your half mile every year, why not let the man who gave you this card to read help you catch up ? The presenter of this card is a member in good standing of the “quarter mile a day club” and holds the boy scout merit badge for physical fitness!

——————————————————————————–

A nun goes into a doctor’s office, worried that she has crabs. After a short exam, the doctor says he has some good news and some bad news. “The good news,” he says, “is that you don’t have crabs. The bad news is that your cherry is so old, it has fruit flies.”

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A sailor in New orleans has only a dollar to have a good time with. He spends half on a pack of cigarettes and a beer and offers the remaining 50 cents to a tough whore. She accepts. She takes him to her untidy place and immediately bends over and throws up her dress, presenting her anus to him. “Come on, turn around,” the sailor says angrily. “I don’t want to butt-fuck.” “But you do want to open that bottle, don’t you?” says the whore.

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These two Martians are flying around the earth one night, and land their saucer in a gas station. One Martian goes over to the cigarette machine, and asks, “What’s a nice girl like you doing in a place like this?” The other Martian walks over and says, “don’t bother with her, Qmmpzzgl, we’re no match for earth men. Look at that one sleeping over there with his prick in his ear.”

——————————————————————————–

MY NOOKIE DAYS ARE OVER
MY PILOT LIGHT IS OUT
WHAT USED TO BE MY SEX APPEAL
IS NOW MY WATER SPOUT
TIME WAS WHEN OF IT’S OWN ACCORD
FROM TROUSERS IT WOULD SPRING
BUT NOW I HAVE A FULL TIME JOB
TO FIND THE BLASTED THING
IT USED TO BE EMBARRASSING
THE WAY THAT IT BEHAVED
FOR EVERY SINGLE MORNING
IT WOULD STAND AND WATCH ME SHAVE
AS MY OLD AGE APPROACHES
IT SURE GIVES ME THE BLUES
TO SEE IT HANG IT’S LITTLE HEAD
AND WATCH ME TIE MY SHOES!

——————————————————————————–

Another time this fellow walks into his favorite cathouse and sets up a deal with the Madam. “I want something different but not Hurricane Gussy and it took me ten trips to the clinic to get over Sandpaper Sally. What have you got that’s different?” “Well,” the Madam replies, “How about One-eyed Wanda.” He says “Fine – as long as I don’t get pissed on or catch something.” He goes up to the room and a bit later a really stacked honey comes in. He promptly starts diving in and she says “Wait a minute honey, with me it doesn’t got there.” She then proceeds to remove a glass eye and says, “Give it to me there.” He proceeds and when he was leaving he says to the girl “WOW that was one of the best screws I’ve had in years. I’ll be back soon!!” She replies “Great!! I’ll keep an eye out for you!”

——————————————————————————–

A WOMAN WENT TO A PODIATRIST WITH A COMPLAINT THAT HER FEET ALWAYS HURT. HE IMMEDIATELY NOTICED THAT SHE WAS EXTREMELY BOWLEGGED. HE ASKED HER IF SHE HAD ALWAYS BEEN THAT WAY? “NO,” SHE SAID, “NOT UNTIL RECENTLY. I’VE BEEN FUCKING A LOT DOGGIE STYLE.” “WELL”, HE SAID, “YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE TO STOP.” “I CAN’T”, SHE REPLIED, “THAT’S THE ONLY WAY MY GERMAN SHEPHERD FUCKS.”

——————————————————————————–

TWO DRUNKS WERE LYING ALONGSIDE THE CURB WHEN A COP CAME UP. THE OFFICER SAW THAT ONE HAD HIS FINGER STUCK UP THE OTHER’S ASS. WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING? THE COP DEMANDED. MY BUDDY IS SICK AND I’M TRYING TO MAKE HIM THROW UP THE DRUNK SLURRED. WELL HOW THE HELL IS STICKING YOUR FINGER UP HIS ASS GOING TO MAKE HIM THROW UP? JUST WAIT THE DRUNK SAID, UNTIL I STICK IT IN HIS MOUTH ……………

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A shoe salesman picks up a prostitute and wants to do some business. He tells the young lady that he only has $25 but would like to give her some shoes for the remainder of her $50 fee. She agrees and they go up to her place. Now this guy thinks he has to prove himself. So, he tries like to hell to give the whore an orgasm. He does his best to fuck as long as he can to get her off, and after a while he feels her pull an arm behind his back. Then she pulls another arm behind his back. “Wow, I’m gonna make her come” he thinks. Then the woman brings both legs up onto his back. He asks, “are you going to come?” “No,” she says, “I’m trying to try on these new shoes.”

——————————————————————————–

A young priest, who’s still unsure of the penances to dole out during confession, asks an older priest what he should give a cocksucker.

“Oh,” says the older priest, “give him a dollar or so, if you feel like it. Personally I never give them more than fifty cents.”

——————————————————————————–

Having taken a few too many at a hotel dance, a pretty young thing in Cheyenne dashed out of doors, fainted, and fell over a trash barrel. A young man saw her, picked her up and carried her up to his room. The next morning he wired his partner in Denver:

CLOSE OFFICE STOP SELL EVERYTHING STOP COME TO WYOMING STOP THEY THROW AWAY BETTER STUFF HERE THAN YOU CAN BUY IN COLORADO

——————————————————————————–

This fellow walks into the local Catthouse looking for some action. In response to the madams question of how she could be of assistance, he says “I’m looking for a different style of sex.” The Madam replied, “Well you might try Hurricane Gussy”. So the fellow goes up to the room, gets undressed and into bed and waits. Moments later this BIG MAMMA rolls into the room and announces “I’m Hurricane Gussy.” She jumps into bed and starts blowing her warm breath all over the guys body. He is slightly taken aback by this and says “Whats the big idea”. She replies “Thats the warm wind from the hurricane. A little while later she starts flogging him on the face with her big tits. He yells “What the hell’s going on!!” She replies “Those are the coconuts falling from the palms during the hurricane.” A little bit later she stands astride him and starts pissing all over him. He jumps up and yells “What the fucks the deal here!!”. Gussy replies “It’s the rain from the hurricane.” He starts getting dressed and she askes “Where are you going?” He replies “I’m leaving. Who can fuck in this weather!!”

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——————————————————————————–

A man is having excruciating pains in his groin, accompanied by intense headaches, so he goes to doctor. The physician gives him a thorough going over and announces that he has an excessive pressure in his crotch, and that the headaches will continue until and unless he has his balls removed. Only after the most incredible case of migraine headaches and blue balls does he consent to the operation. He gets castrated. Because of the operation, he felt very depressed. The pressure was gone, and there was no pain, but still, he sat at the window and stared into empty space. His wife wandered over and told him “Honey, I know how you must feel. Whenever I feel depressed, I go downtown and buy some new clothes. That always makes me feel much better.”

He takes her advice. He goes to the most expensive haberdasher in town and orders a fancy suit. The tailor ells the man, “Well, I can tell that you wear a size 15-and-a-half shirt.” The man is amazed. “That’s exactly right,” he says.”And a size 10-B shoe.” “Yes!” exclaims the man, “right again.” “And you wear a size 10 hat, 34 inch pants length, and a 36 inch waist on your underwear,” says the tailor. “That’s perfectly right, except my underwear has a 34 inch waist.” “Oh, no,” says the tailor, “I know my business. You wear 36. If you wore tighter underwear, you’d get pressure built up in your groin, and then you’d get terrible headaches.”

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A Ukranian couple just got married and they have just arrived in their hotel room on their honeymoon. They are undressing and the groom takes off his shoes and socks. The wife sees his toes and says “Oh my God What happened to your toes?” His toes are all wizzened up and look terrible. He says “Didn’t I tell you? When I was little I had toelio.” So they continue un- dressing and the groom takes off his pants. The wife sees his knees and says “Oh my God! what happened to your knees?” His knees are awful. They are just big ugly knobs. “Didn’t I tell you? When I was young I had kneasles.” he said. They continue to undress and the groom takes off his underwear. The bride exclaimes “Oh my God You never told me you’ve had smallcocks”.

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A GUY WALKS INTO THE DOCTOR’S OFFICE AND TELLS THE DOCTOR THAT HIS ELBOW HURTS. THE DOCTOR TELLS HIM TO GO INTO THE BATHROOM AND CATCH A SAMPLE OF URINE AS HE JUST BOUGHT A NEW COMPUTER THAT CAN ANALYZE THE SAMPLE AND TELL HIM EVERYTHING THAT IS WRONG WITH THE MAN. THE MAN TELLS THE DOCTOR THAT HE HAS JUST PISSED AND DOESN’T HAVE ANY LEFT, SO THE DOCTOR TELLS HIM TO TAKE THE BOTTLE HOME AND COME BACK LATER. AS THE MAN DRIVES HOME, HE GETS A BRAINSTORM. ONCE HOME HE TELLS HIS WIFE TO PEE INTO THE BOTTLE AND THEN TELLS HIS DAUGHTER TO DO THE SAME. LATER, WHILE WALKING THE DOG, HE CATCHES SOME OF THE DOGS PISS ALSO. JUST BEFORE TAKING THE SAMPLE BACK TO THE DOCTOR, HE BEATS OFF INTO THE BOTTLE. THE DOCTOR RUNS THE SAMPLE THROUGH THE COMPUTER AND RETURNS TO TELL THE MAN THAT HE HAS SOME MAJOR PROBLEMS. THE MAN SAYS ‘BUT JUST MY ELBOW HURTS!’.
THE DOCTOR SAYS ‘WELL, THAT’S JUST TENNIS ELBOW. BUT THE OTHER PROBLEMS ARE BAD. FIRST, YOUR WIFE HAS VD, SECOND, YOUR DAUGHTER IS PREGNANT AND THIRD, YOUR DOG HAS DISTEMPER.’ WOW, THE MAN EXCLAIMS, BUT WHAT ABOUT MY ELBOW? THE DOCTOR RETORTED: “QUIT BEATING OFF AND YOUR TENNIS ELBOW WILL HEAL!!”

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“This is Radio Tel Aviv, 1400 on your radio dial,

… but for you, 1398.”

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What is the difference between a Jew and a canoe?

… a canoe tips!

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What’s a Jewish dilemma ?

… free ham.

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Why is the camel called “the ship of the desert?”

… It’s full of Arab semen.

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After a long, hard journey, the three wise men finally reached the stable in Bethlehem. As they entered, one accidentally stepped in a cowpie and exclaimed, “Jesus Christ!” Over in the corner, Mary said, “Say, Joseph, I like that name better than Morris.”

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What’s a Black Toystore called?

… Toys B Us

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Comedian the other day invented the first BRAIL bumper sticker for the blind, which reads :

“IF YOU CAN READ THIS, THEN YOU’RE TOO CLOSE!!!!”

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BASKETBALL PLAYERS ARE TERRIBLE LOVERS…

… THEY ALWAYS DRIBBLE BEFORE THEY SHOOT!

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A COUPLE WAS GOING AT IT IN THE FRONT SEAT OF A CAR AND TO THE MAN’S EMBARRASSMENT, HE KEEPS ON HITTING THE CAR HORN WITH THE SIDE OF HIS BODY. HIS GIRLFRIEND EXCLAIMS, “I DIDN’T KNOW YOU WERE SO HORNY!”

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WHY ARE WOMEN AMAZING?

… THEY BURY BONES WITHOUT DIGGING A HOLE!

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A MAN WENT TO A BAR, DESPERATE TO GET LAID, AND PICKED UP THE ONLY WOMAN THERE, WHO COULD HAVE WEIGHED 350 POUNDS. THEY GO TO HIS APARTMENT AND START DOING IT, BUT HE’S SCREWING HER BELLY-BUTTON. SHE SAYS, “HEY, YOU’RE IN THE WRONG HOLE!” AND THE MAN REPLIES, “WHEN IT’S THIS ROUGH, ANY PORT IN THE STORM WILL DO.”

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WHAT’S YELLOW AND GOES “CHEEP, CHEEP”?

… A CHINESE PROSTITUTE!

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A HOOKER AFTER FINISHING A PROSTITUTION SENTENCE IMMEDIATELY SOLICITS TO AN UNDERCOVER POLICEMAN AND IS TAKEN BACK INTO CUSTODY. THE MORAL OF THIS STORY IS:

……YOU SHOULD NEVER END A SENTENCE WITH A PROPOSITION!…..

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A human being should be able to change a diaper, plan an invasion, butcher a hog, conn a ship, design a building, write a sonnet, balance accounts, build a wall, set a bone, comfort the dying, take orders, give orders, cooperate, act alone, solve equations, analyze a new problem pitch manure, program a computer, cook a tasty meal, fight efficently, and die gallantly. Specialization is for insects.

– R.A. Heinlein

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Bosses are like diapers!

… always on your ass and usually full of shit.

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HOW DO YOU SCREW A 400-POUND WOMAN?

… ROLL HER IN FLOUR AND AIM FOR THE WET SPOT!

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HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU’VE GOT THE BEST BLOWJOB IN THE UNIVERSE ??

YOU HAVE TO USE TWO HANDS TO PULL THE SHEETS OUT OF YOUR BUTT.

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The President of an American company was staying as an honored guest in the home of the Japanese president of his subsidiary company in Japan. “All in my home is yours….”, he was told, and true as his word each night he would creep in the dark into the bedroom of the Japanese president’s daughter, and get into bed with her. She just whispered “Marimekko, Marimekko”, more and more excitedly each night.

On his last day in Japan, the American businessman was playing a farewell round of golf with his Japanese associate. The game ended with the Japanese president sinking a 20 foot putt. The American, not knowing any Japanese, searched for a suitable word that might be appropriate. “Aahh”, he said,”Marimekko!”. “Uh?”, replied his Japanese associate,”What do you mean, “the wrong hole”?

(P.S. “Marimekko” is a pretty known Finnish designer label)

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One night a little boy is walking by his single mother’s bedroom and sees her on her bed. She’s rubbing her crotch and her breasts moaning “I want a man, I want a man”. He thinks this is a bit strange, but the next night he once again spies his mother rubbing her breasts and snatch moaning “I want a man, I want a man.”

The next night, he walks by his mother’s bedroom and sees that this time, his mother does indeed have a man in the bed with her. So he runs back to his room, takes off all his clothes, and rubs his body all over, moaning, “I want a bicycle, I want a bicycle.”

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It seems that this one lady was in the grocery store, doing her shopping. However, she had one hand over her vagina. This was causing a lot of speculation and commotion among the other customers. Finally, the store manager came over to her and said “I couldn’t help notice that you have your hand over your vagina. Is there anything I can do?”. She replied “No, it’s just that last night, we were all out of vaseline, so I had to use butter instead. But we were all out of butter, so I used margarine instead. Now if I remove my hand, it says ‘BUTTER!'”

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Actually, a Playboy a while back (I forget which one for sure) described how to tell if a woman was having a orgasm. (This is from memory, and is probably not completely correct). First, her eyes start to bulge out. Then, she will start to pant and sweat profusely. Next, she will chant like a baboon. Finally, she will twitch convulsively for several minutes.

… I just thought everybody should know the truth here.

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Two Hell’s Angels are talking; one of them had just gotten married. One asks, “So how is married life?” “Well, it sure beats standing in line.”

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What is the polish definition of “Oral Contraception” (in plain english)

… giving head!

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What does a polish woman do after sucking cock?

… spit out the feathers

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Little Red Riding Hood was packing her little basket, getting ready for her trip to Grandma. The last thing she put in was her Forty-four magnum. Off down the path she went and into the forest. Out from behind a tree jumped the Big Bad Wolf. “Okay, Chickie,” he said, “I’m going to rape you!” Little Red Riding Hood pulled out her forty-four and pointed it at him. “No you are not, sucker. You’re going to eat me just like it says in the story!!”

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A guy walks into a drug store and asks the girl behind the register, “Do you keep stationery?” She answers, “right up until the last minute, and then my toes curl up, and I turn into an animal.”

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A FATHER AND HIS 3 SONS ARE WALKING DOWN THE STREET. PAPA SEES A WHORE HOUSE, WALKS IN, SLAMS A 1000 BUCKS ON THE TABLE AND SAYS “I WANT A THOUSAND DOLLAR FUCK !”. SO THE GUY YELLS “HEY HERBIE – BRING OUT THE TWO BLONDS!”. LATER ON, THE 20 YEAR OLD SON PASSES ANOTHER WHORE HOUSE, AND WALKS IN. HE SLAMS $500 ON THE TABLE AND SAYS “I WANNA $500 FUCK !”. SO THE GUY YELLS “HEY CHARLIE ! BRING OUT THE TWO BRUNETTES!” LATER ON, THE 18 YEAR OLD GETS THE SAME URGE AND WALKS INTO ANOTHER WHOREHOUSE. HE SLAPS $50 ON THE TABLE AND SAYS “I WANNA $50 FUCK!”. SO THE GUY YELLS, “HEY FREDDIE ! BRING OUT THE BLOND !”. THEN, THE YOUNGEST SON (10), NOT TO BE LEFT OUT, WALKS INTO THE SAME WHORE HOUSE AS HIS OLDER 18 YEAR OLD BROTHER. HE SLAPS $5 ON THE TABLE AND SAYS “I WANNA FIVE DOLLAR FUCK !”. THE GUY LOOKS AT THE FIVE AND YELLS “HEY FREDDIE!- GREASE THE CAT’S ASS !!!”

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THERE ONCE WAS A MAN STRANDED ON THIS DESSERTED ISLAND, ALL HE HAD WITH HIM WAS A SHEEP AND A DOG. EVERY TIME HE WOULD FUCK THE SHEEP, THE DOG WOULD GO CRAZY AND BITE HIM. ONE DAY WHILE SITTING ON THE SHORE HE SEES A RAFT OUT IN THE OCEAN AND SWIMS OUT ONLY TO FIND A FAMISHED, “BEEN AT SEA” FOR DAYS, WOMAN. HE TAKES HER BACK TO THE ISLAND, NURSING HER BACK TO HEALTH. SHE TURNES OUT TO BE A BEAUTIFUL 24 YEAR OLD WOMAN. SHE SAYS TO HIM ONE DAY “I OWE YOU MY LIFE, YOU SAVED ME, I’LL DO ANYTHING FOR YOU!” HE REPLIES “ANYTHING?”, SHE SAYS “YES, ANYTHING!” HE SAYS “HOLD THE DOG!!!!”……

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A MODEST YOUNG LADY WAS AT HER FIRST APPOINTMENT AT THE GYNECOLOGIST. AS WAS PROPER HE HAD A NURSE IN ATTENDANCE AS HE EXAMINED THE MODEST YOUNG LADY. AFTER A BRIEF MOMENT HE SAID, “MY YOUNG LADY WHAT A LARGE VAGINA YOU HAVE! MY YOUNG LADY WHAT A LARGE VAGINA YOU HAVE!” THE MODEST YOUNG LADY, MORTIFIED, SAID, “DOCTOR YOU DID NOT HAVE TO SAY IT TWICE!!!” HIS REPLY, “I DIDN’T! I DIDN’T!”

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THERE IS A NEW DOUCHE ON THE MARKET CALLED SSY.

… it takes the PU out of pussy