Mand kommer i helvede, og bliver vist rundt.
Første rum han står der nogle mennesker i lort til anklerne, der gider han ikke at være så manden og djævlen går videre.
Så kommer han til et rum hvor de står i lort til knæene, “Nå”, tænker han. “Hvad mon det næste bliver?” for der gider han heller ikke at være.
Så kommer de til et rum hvor de står i lort til halsen, men står samtidig og ryger cigarer.
“Her vil jeg være”, siger manden til djævlen. Han kommer ind og får en cigar.
De har det hyggeligt, indtil djævlen kommer tilbage og siger:
“Så er pausen forbi, så skal I stå på hovedet igen!”

Fire katolske mænd og en katolsk kvinde drak kaffe på Peterspladsen i Rom.

Den første katolske mand fortæller sine venner….”Min søn er præst, når han kommer ind i et rum, tiltaler alle ham “fader!”

Den anden katolske mand siger…. “Min søn er biskop, når han træder ind i et rum tiltaler folk ham “Deres nåde!”

Den tredie katolske mand siger…. “Min søn er Kardinal. Når han træder ind i et rum bukker alle for ham og kalder ham “Deres Eminence!”

Den fjerde katolske mand siger stolt…. “min søn er Paven. Når han træder ind i et rum kalder folk ham “Deres hellighed!”

Den katolske kvinde sagde så herefter….”Jeg har en datter!” når hun træder ind i et rum siger folk “Oh, my God”

En 53-årig kvinde fik et hjerteanfald og blev kørt på hospitalet.

Mens hun lå på operationsbordet, fik hun en nærdødsoplevelse. Hun så Gud og spurgte: ”Er min tid udløbet?”

Gud svarede: ”Du har endnu 43 år, 2 måneder og 8 dage at leve i.”

Da hun var blevet helbredt, besluttede kvinden at blive på hospitalet og gennemgå en ansigtsløftning, fedtsugning og få bryst-implantater.

Hun fik endda tilkaldt en kosmetolog, der gav hende ny hårfarve, renere hud og hvidere tænder. Når hun havde så mange år tilbage at leve i, kunne hun jo ligeså godt ofre noget på sit udseende.

Efter den sidste behandling, forlod hun hospitalet. Hun krydsede gaden og blev påkørt af en ambulance.

Da hun atter stod foran Gud, sagde hun indigneret: ”Jeg synes, du sagde, at jeg ville leve i yderligere 43 år. Hvorfor trak du mig så ikke væk, før ambulancen ramte mig?”

(Du vil elske denne her)

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Gud svarede: Jeg kunne ikke genkende dig.

En lille historie som viser, at e-mails skal behandles med varsomhed….

Et ægtepar besluttede sig for at rejse sydpå.
For at få en særlig dejlig og helt speciel ferie, planlagde de at bo på samme hotel, som de boede på, på deres bryllupsrejse, 20 år tidligere.
Men fordi de begge var travle i arbejdet, kneb det med at få ferie på samme tid.
Så enden på det blev, at manden rejste om torsdagen, hvorpå fruen så ville ankomme dagen derpå.
Efter en vellykket ankomst, tjekkede manden ind på hotellet.

På værelset stod en computer, så den betænksomme husbond besluttede at sende fruen en e-mail.
Men!! -en smutter i adressen gjorde, at manden sendte sin mail, til en anden.

Et sted i landet var en enke lige kommet hjem fra sin mands begravelse.

Den afdøde var den lokale præst, som var blevet kaldt til himmels efter et hjertestop.

Midt i sin sorg satte enken sig ved computeren og tjekkede sin mail.

Hun regnede med støtte og omsorg fra sine nærmeste, men under læsningen af den første mail besvimede enken med et brag.

Enkens søn ilede sin stakkels mor til undsætning.

Hjalp hende på benene igen og læste derpå mailen, som lød:

Til: Min elskede hustru
Emne: Vel ankommet!

Det undrer dig sikkert at høre fra mig. De har computere her nu, og det er tilladt at sende e-mails til sine elskede. Jeg er lige ankommet og har tjekket ind. Jeg ser, at alt er forberedt til din ankomst i morgen. Jeg glæder mig utrolig meget til at se dig. Jeg håber din rejse, bliver ligeså vellykket som min var.

P. S. Jeg siger dig, der er varmt hernede!

Taoism
-Shit happens-

Confucianism
-Confucius say, shit happens-

Zen
-What is the sound of shit happening?-

Buddhism
-If shit happens, it is really shit-

Hinduism
-This shit has happened before-

Islam
-If shit happens, it is the will of Allah-

Protestantism
-Let shit happen to someone else-

Catholicism
-If shit happens, you deserve it-

Agnosticism
-What is all this shit?-

Atheism
-I don’t believe this shit-

Judaism
-Why does this shit happen to us?-

Jehova’s Witness
-Let me tell you why shit happens-

Fundamentalism
-Shit must be born again-

Quaker Mormon
-S— happens-

Unitarian
-Does shit happen? Discussion tonight-

Nihilism
-Who cares if shit happens?-

Existentialism
-Shit doesn’t happen, shit is-

Secular Humanism
-Shit evolves-

Christian Science
-When shit happens, don’t call a doctor, pray-

E.S.T
-I am at cause that shit will not happen-

New Age
-If shit happens, honor and share it-

A.A.
-Deal with shit one day at a time-

Scientology
-Why does shit happen? See Dianetics, p.157-

Transcendental Meditation
-Shit happens Shit happens Shit happens –

Reaganism
-Shit doesn’t happen-

Atheism
There is no toy maker.

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Polytheism
There are many toy makers.
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Evolutionism
The toys made themselves.
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Capitalism
He who dies with the most toys, wins.
——————————————————————————–
Communism
Everyone gets the same number of toys, and whoever is caught selling his toys will go straight to hell.
——————————————————————————–
Buddhism
He who dies with no toys, wins.
——————————————————————————–
Confucianism
Once a toy is dipped in the water, it is no longer dry.
——————————————————————————–
Branch Davidians
He who dies playing with the biggest toys, wins.
——————————————————————————–
Hinduism
He who plays with bags of plastic farm animals, loses.
——————————————————————————–
Jehovah’s Witnesses
He who sells the most toys door-to-door, wins.
——————————————————————————–
Mormonism
Every boy can have as many toys as he wants.
——————————————————————————–
Muslim
He who plays only with solider toys, wins.
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Satanism
He who plays with fire, wins.
——————————————————————————–
Judaism
He who plays without following the rules, loses.
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Anglican
They were our toys first.
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Greek Orthodox
No, they were OURS first.
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7th Day Adventist
He who plays with his toys on Saturday, loses.
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Baptist
Once played, always played.
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Catholicism
He who denies himself the most toys, wins.
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Pentecostalism
He whose toys can talk, wins.

AMEN:
The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.

BULLETIN:
1. Parish information, read only during the homily.
2. Catholic air conditioning.
3. Your receipt for attending Mass.

CHOIR:
A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the congregation to lip-sync.

HOLY WATER:
A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.

HYMN:
A song of praise, usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation’s range.

RECESSIONAL HYMN:
The last song at Mass, often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.

INCENSE:
Holy Smoke!

JESUITS:
An order of priests known for their ability to found colleges with good basketball teams.

JONAH:
The original “Jaws” story.

JUSTICE:
When kids have kids of their own.

KYRIE ELIEISON:
The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava.

MAGI:
The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.

MANGER:
1. Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn’t covered by an HMO.
2. The Bible’s way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough.

PEW:
A medieval torture device still found in Catholic Churches.

PROCESSION:
The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass, consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.

RECESSIONAL:
The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass, led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.

RELICS:
People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel and stand.

TEN COMMANDMENTS:
The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman.

USHERS:
The only people in the parish who don’t know the seating capacity of a pew.

A MAN WALKED INTO A DOCTORS WAITING ROOM AND SAW A NUN SITTING THERE CRYING HER EYES OUT AND OBVIOUSLY VERY UPSET WHEN HE WENT INTO THE DOCTOR HE ASKED THE GOOD PHYSICIAN WHY THE NUN WAS CRYING SO MUCH. THE DOCTOR REPLIED ‘I TOLD HER SHE WAS PREGNANT’ ‘GOOD GRIEF’ SAID THE GUY,’BUT HOW CAN THAT BE AS SHE IS A NUN ?’ ‘SHE ISN’T REALLY’ SAID THE GOOD DOCTOR, ‘BUT IT CURED HER HICCUPS’

THE YEARS NEW INTAKE OF NOVICES WERE GETTING THEIR INITIAL MEDICAL INSPECTION FROM THE CONVENT DOCTOR WHEN HE NOTICED SOMETHING DIFFERENT ABOUT ONE OF THE OLDER GIRLS. THE KINDLY OLD PRACTITIONER WENT IMMEDIATELY TO THE MOTHER SUPERIOR AND INFORMED HER… ‘MOTHER SUPERIOR, YOU HAVE AMONGST THE NEW GIRLS ONE WITH AN INCREDIBLY RARE DEFORMITY, SHE HAS BEEN BLESSED WITH TWO FANNIES.’ ‘GOOD GRACIOUS’, EXCLAIMED THE MOTHER SUPERIOR, ‘WILL SHE BE ABLE TO LEAD A NORMAL LIFE?’ ‘OF COURSE’, THE GOOD DOCTOR REPLIED, ‘ESPECIALLY AS SHE IS TO BE A NUN, NO-ONE WILL EVER NOTICE, HOWEVER, I SHOULD LIKE IT VERY MUCH IF YOU WOULD ALLOW ME TO CONSULT WITH MY PROFESSIONAL COLLEAGUES AND ASK THEM TO COME AND LOOK AT HER.’ ‘OF COURSE YOU MAY’, SAID THE MOTHER SUPERIOR AND OFF HE WENT. THREE WEEKS LATER THE CONVENT MEDIC RETURNED WITH HIS PROFESSIONAL COLLEAGES AND ASKED TO SEE THE AFFECTED NUN. ‘I’M AFRAID YOU CAN’T’, SAID THE MOTHER SUPERIOR, ‘WE HAD TO GET RID OF HER’. ‘WHY’, ASKED THE OLD DOCTOR IN REPLY. ‘WE COULDN’T STAND HER ” HOLIER THAN THOU ” ATTITUDE’, WAS THE REPLY.

TWO NUNS RIDING BICYCLES DOWN A COBBLED STREET, AND ONE TURNES TO THE OTHER AND SAYS ‘DO YOU KNOW, I’VE NEVER COME THIS WAY BEFORE ?’….

…AT LAST THE HILL WAS TOO STEEP AND THE POOR NUNS HAD TO GET OFF THEIR BICYCLES AND WALK. AS THEY PASSED A DARK PASSAGEWAY TWO YOBOES JUMPED OUT, DRAGGED THEM INTO THE PASSAGE AND STARTED TO RAPE THEM ‘LORD FORGIVE THEM FOR THEY KNOW NOT WHAT THEY DO’,SAID ONE ‘SSHHHHHH’, SAID THE OTHER,’THIS ONE DOES’…..

….AFTER THEY HAVE BEEN RAPED BY THE TWO YOBBO’S THE TWO NUNS CONTINUE TO THE TOP OF THE HILL TO THE CONVENT. ONE TURNS TO THE OTHER AND SAYS ‘WHAT WILL WE TELL THE MOTHER SUPERIOR ABOUT BEING RAPED TWICE ?’ AND THE OTHER REPLIES ‘BUT WE WERE ONLY RAPED ONCE’, AND THE FIRST SAYS ‘WE’RE COMING BACK THIS WAY AREN’T WE ?’…

….SO THE POOR NUNS RAPED AND EXHAUSTED CONFESS TO THE MOTHER SUPERIOR THOSE THINGS THAT HAD HAPPENED ON THE WAY (SEE NUNSEQ01/02/03) AND SHE SAYS ‘GO AWAY AND EACH SUCK HALF A LEMON’. ‘WILL THAT ABSOLVE US FROM OUR SIN ?’,ASKS ONE OF THE NUNS, ‘NO’, SAID THE MOTHER SUPERIOR, ‘BUT IT WILL WIPE THAT SILLY GRIN OF YOUR FACES’….

….SO AFTER THE TWO NUNS HAVE SUCKED THEIR LEMONS THEY RETURN TO THE MOTHER SUPERIOR FOR THE SECOND PART OF THEIR PENNANCE. ‘NOW YOU MUST GO AND WASH YOUR FANNIES IN THE HOLY WATER’, SAYS THE MOTHER SUPERIOR ‘AND YOUR SINS WILL BE FINALLY ABSOLVED’. SO OFF THEY GO TO THE FONT IN THE CATHEDRAL, AND AFTER LOOKING AROUND TO CHECK NO-ONE IS ABOUT, THEY ARE JUST ABOUT TO CLAP THE HOLY SPONGES OVER THEIR PUSSIES WHEN ANOTHER NUN COMES RUSHING UP AND SAYS, ‘WAIT WAIT, I’VE GOT TO GARGLE IN THAT FIRST’….

…LATER THAT NIGHT ALL THE NUNS ARE LYING IN THE DORMITORY WHEN THE MOTHER SUPERIOR CALLS UP THE STAIRS, ‘ALL RIGHT GIRLS, IT’S TEN’O’CLOCK, BIBLES AWAY AND CANDLES OUT’ AND COMES THE SOUND ‘POP’ ‘POP’ ‘POP’ …….

….AND THATS ONE OF THE REASONS WHY NUNS GO AROUND IN PAIRS. SO THAT ONE NUN SEES THE OTHER NUN GETS NUN…..

….BUT THE MOTHER SUPERIOR WAS NOT HEARTLESS AND KNEW HER YOUNGER NUNS AND SAID,’I HAVE NO OBJECTION TO YOU GETTING A LITTLE BIT FROM THE MONKS ACROSS THE WAY, BUT DON’T GET INTO THE HABIT’…

….NINE MONTHS LATER THE ONE NUN GAVE BIRTH TO A BABY WITHOUT ANYBODY KNOWING ABOUT IT. SHE WAS IN TWO MINDS AS TO WHETHER SHE SHOULD TELL THE MOTHER SUPERIOR ABOUT IT. SHE EVENTIALLY DECIDED TO TELL HER. SO SHE TOOK THE BABY AND WENT TO THE MOTHER S’S ROOM. ARRIVING THERE SHE FOUND THE MOTHER SOUND ASLEEP WITH HER LEGS ASTRIDE. SEEING A SOLUTION TO HER PROBLEM SHE CAREFULLY PLACED THE BABY BETWEEN MOTHERS LEGS AND LEFT.THE NEXT MORNING THE MOTHER WOKE UP AND FOUND THE BABY THERE AND EXCLAIMED, ‘FUCKIT, YOU CAN’T EVEN TRUST THE ALTAR CANDLES THESE DAYS…’

….. A FEW MONTHS LATER THE SAME NUN WENT TO THE HEAD MONK TO TO COMPLAIN. “FATHER I CAME WALKING THROUGH THE PARK TODAY WHEN A BASTARD GRABBED ME AND KISSED ME” “LIKE THIS MY CHILD?” THE MONK ASKED AND GRABBED HER AND KISSED HER. “YES FATHER” “BUT THAT IS NO REASON TO CALL THE MAN A BASTARD MY CHILD.” “YES FATHER BUT THEN HE THREW MY ON THE GRASS” “LIKE THIS MY CHILD?” THE MONK ASKED AND THREW HER DOWN ON THE COUCH. “YES FATHER” “BUT THAT IS NO REASON TO CALL THE MAN A BASTARD MY CHILD.” “YES FATHER BUT THEN HE UNDRESSED ME” “LIKE THIS MY CHILD?” THE MONK ASKED AND TOOK HER CLOTHES OFF. “YES FATHER” “BUT THAT IS NO REASON TO CALL THE MAN A BASTARD MY CHILD.” “YES FATHER BUT THEN HE RAPED ME” “LIKE THIS MY CHILD?” THE MONK ASKED AND STARTED SCREWING HER, “YES FATHER” “BUT THAT IS NO REASON TO CALL THE MAN A BASTARD MY CHILD.” “YES FATHER, BUT HE GAVE ME V.D.” “SUCH A BASTARD!!.” HE EXCLAIMED PULLING HIS SCHLUNG OUT IN A GREAT RUSH.

MOTHER SUPERIOR TO NUNS RIDING BICYCLE IN THE COURTYARD: ‘O.K. GIRLS,BACK ON WITH THE SADDLES’

NOVICE NUN IN CONVENT (NUNNERY?) IS ASKED TO HOLD THE FORT WHILST THE MOTHER SUPERIOR IS AWAY AND IS GIVEN SPECIAL INSTRUCTIONS TO LOOK AFTER AN AILING OLD MONK WHO IS SPENDING HIS LAST DAYS THERE. ON HER RETURN THE MOTHER SUPERIOR ASKED ‘HOW IS THE OLD MONK ?’ AND THE NOVICE SAID THAT ON THE FIRST DAY SOON AFTER SHE HAD TAKEN IN HIS FOOD SHE HAD SEEN A LARGE LUMP UNDER HIS HABIT AND ASKED WHAT IT WAS. HE HAD REPLIED THAT IT WAS THE KEY TO HEAVEN AND THAT SHE HAD THE KEYHOLE. HE HAD UNLOCKED THE DOOR TO HEAVEN SEVERAL TIMES SINCE THEN. ‘THE OLD BASTARD’ REPLIED THE MOTHER SUPERIOR, ‘HE TOLD ME IT WAS GABRIELS HORN’

NOVICE IN CONVENT GARDEN IS FRIGHTENING PIGEONS FROM NEWLY PLANTED SEEDS BY WAVING HER HANDS AND SHOUTING ‘FUCK OFF’ TO THE BIRDS. MOTHER SUPERIOR IS AGHAST AND RUNS QUICKLY TO THE LITTLE NUN. ‘SSHHHHHH’ SAYS THE MOTHER SUPERIOR, ‘THAT’S NOT THE WAY TO DO IT’, ‘YOU MUST JUST SAY ‘SHOO SHOO’ AND THEY’LL FUCK OFF BY THEMSELVES’

A PRIEST WAS CONFRONTED BY A PROSTITUTE. ‘DO YOU WANT A QUICKY FOR FIVE RAND?’. NOT KNOWING WHAT IT WAS ,HE SAID NO. A FEW MINUTES ANOTHER PROSTITUTE ALSO OFFERED HIM A QUICKY FOR FIVE RAND. AGAIN HE SAID NO. WHEN HE GOT BACK TO THE MONASTERY HIS CURIOSITY GOT THE BETTER OF HIM AND HE WENT TO A NUN. ‘WHAT’ HE ASKED ‘IS A QUICKY?’ THE NUN ANSWERED ‘THE SAME AS IN TOWN. FIVE RAND’

THE LITTLE NOVICE WAS ONLY ELEVEN YEARS OLD AND WAS TROUBLED BY THE TINY SWELLINGS ON HER CHEST, THINKING THIS WAS SOME PENANCE THAT GOD WAS MAKING HER SUFFER FOR SOME UNREMEMBERED SIN. SO SHE WENT HESITANTLY TO THE MOTHER SUPERIORS OFFICE AND KNOCKED ON THE DOOR. ‘COME IN’, SAID THE MOTHER SUPERIOR, ‘WHAT IS TROUBLING YOU MY CHILD ?’ ‘WELL’, SAID THE LITTLE NUN, AND EXPLAINED THE FEARS SHE HAD ABOUT THESE ‘BUMPS’ ON HER CHEST ‘HOW OLD ARE YOU’, SAID THE MOTHER SUPERIOR. ‘ELEVEN GOING ON TWELVE’, SAID THE NOVICE. ‘WELL THEN’,WAS THE KIND REPLY,’AT ABOUT YOUR AGE ALL GIRLS START TO GET THEM. EVENTUALLY THEY DEVELOP INTO THE SAME AS I HAVE MORE OR LESS, SO TO SPEAK’.’SO WORRY NOT AND GO IN PEACE’. MUCH RELIEVED THE LITTLE NUN RETURNED TO HER CELL. AND SO UNTIL ABOUT FOURTEEN MONTHS LATER SHE WAS IN HER BATH AND NOTICED LITTLE DARK HAIRS THAT ITCHED WERE GROWING AROUND HER PUSSY. WORRIED AGAIN THAT THIS WAS PUNISHMENT FOR SOME TERRIBLE SIN SHE RETURNED TO THE MOTHER SUPERIORS OFFICE AND KNOCKED AGAIN. ‘COME IN’, REPLIED A DEEP VOICE FROM INSIDE AND SHE HESITANTLY WENT INSIDE. THE FATHER ABBOT FROM ACROSS THE ROAD STOOD THERE. ‘YES, MY CHILD ?’,ASKED THE KINDLY OLD MAN. AND THE LITTLE GIRL EXPLAINED ABOUT HER PUSSY, BEING INNOCENT AND THEREFORE UNAFRAID TO TALK TO THE ABBOT. ‘HOW OLD ARE YOU ?’, ASKED THE GENTLE OLD MONK, AND SHE REPLIED, ‘THIRTEEN’. ‘WELL’, SAID THE ABBOT, ‘AT ABOUT YOUR AGE ALL PEOPLE START TO GROW HAIR ROUND THERE’.’IT’S NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT’. ‘HOW DO I KNOW THAT’S TRUE ?’, SHE ASKED.’THE MOTHER SUPERIOR SHOWED ME HER BUST WHEN I EXPLAINED THAT MY BREASTS WERE GROWING, BUT I CANNOT SEE YOUR HAIR AS IT DOES NOT SHOW UNDER CLOTHES……! ‘LET ME REASSURE YOU’, HE SAID AND OPENED HIS HABIT TO DO JUST THAT…! THE LITTLE GIRLS EYES GREW BIGGER AND BIGGER AS SHE STARED AT HIS GREAT BIG SCHLUNG HANGING THERE, AND AT LAST SHE SAID.. ‘GOOD LORD, AND WHEN DO I GET ONE OF THOSE BETWEEN MY LEGS’ HE REPLIED ‘JUST AS SOON AS I SHUT THAT FUCKING DOOR’