Hvilken historisk kandidat ville du vælge som statsleder?

A: Omgås korrupte politikere og konsulterer astrologer. Har haft to
elskerinder, er kæderyger og drikker 8-10 martinier dagligt.

B: Blev sparket ud af embedet to gange, sover gerne til ud på eftermiddagen, bruger opium og drikker en halv flaske whiskey hver aften.

C: Er dekoreret som krigshelt, vegetar og ikke ryger, drikker lejlighedsvis en enkelt øl. Har aldrig haft udenomægteskabelig affærer.

Hvem ville du stemme på?

Her kan du se hvem du har stemt på:

A: Fraklin D. Rosevelt
B: Winston Curchill
C: Adolf Hitler

Der var valg i diktaturstaten.
En landarbejder kommer hen til valgstedet, hvor han får udleveret en lukket kuvert.
Da han forsøger at åbne den, bliver han stoppet og spurgt, hvad det er, han laver.
Jeg vil bare se, hvem det er jeg stemmer på.
Er du da fuldstændigt vanvittig, du ved jo godt, at her i landet har vi hemmelig afstemning.

Why wouldn’t an enhanced deterrent, a more stable peace, a better prospect to denying the ones who enter conflict in the first place to have a reduction of offensive systems and an introduction to defensive capability. I believe that is the route this country will eventually go.

— Vice President Dan Quayle

——————————————————————————–
Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child.

— Vice President Dan Quayle
——————————————————————————–
Mars is essentially in the same orbit… somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe.

— Vice President Dan Quayle
——————————————————————————–
Hawaii has always been a very pivotal role in the Pacific. It is IN the Pacific. It is a part of the United States that is an island that is right here.

— Vice President Dan Quayle, Hawaii, September 1989
——————————————————————————–
What a terrible thing to have lost one’s mind. Or not to have a mind at all. How true that is.

— Vice President Dan Quayle winning friends while speaking to the United Negro College Fund
——————————————————————————–
You all look like happy campers to me. Happy campers you are, happy campers you have been, and, as far as I am concerned, happy campers you will always be.

— Vice President Dan Quayle, to the American Samoans, whose capital Quayle pronounces “Pogo Pogo”
——————————————————————————–
Quayle stumbled in response to a question about his opinion of the Holocaust. He said it was “an obscene period in our nation’s history.” Then, trying to clarify his remark, Quayle said he meant “this century’s history” and added a confusing comment. “We all lived in this century, I didn’t live in this century,” he said.

— Vice President Dan Quayle
——————————————————————————–
We expect them Salvadoran officials to work toward the elimination of human rights.

— Vice President Dan Quayle
——————————————————————————–
El Salvador is a democracy so it’s not surprising that there are many voices to be heard here. Yet in my conversations with Salvadorans… I have heard a single voice.

— Vice President Dan Quayle
——————————————————————————–
I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy – but that could change.

— Vice President Dan Quayle
——————————————————————————–
One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president, and that one word is ‘to be prepared’.

— Vice President Dan Quayle
——————————————————————————–
If we do not succeed, then we run the risk of failure.

— Vice President Dan Quayle, to the Phoenix Republican Forum, March 1990
——————————————————————————–
It’s rural America. It’s where I came from. We always refer to ourselves as real America. Rural America, real America, real, real, America.

— Vice President Dan Quayle
——————————————————————————–
Target prices? How that works? I know quite a bit about farm policy. I come from Indiana, which is a farm state. Deficiency payments – which are the key – that is what gets money into the farmer’s hands. We got loan, uh, rates, we got target, uh, prices, uh, I have worked very closely with my senior colleague, (Indiana Sen.) Richard Lugar, making sure that the farmers of Indiana are taken care of.

— Vice President Dan Quayle on being asked to define the term “target prices.” Quayle’s press secretary then cut short the press conference, after two minutes and 30 seconds.
——————————————————————————–
I not going to focus on what I have done in the past what I stand for, what I articulate to the American people. The American people will judge me on what I am saying and what I have done in the last 12 years in the Congress.

— Vice President Dan Quayle
——————————————————————————–
I want to be Robin to Bush’s Batman.

— Vice President Dan Quayle
——————————————————————————–
We should develop anti-satellite weapons because we could not have prevailed without them in ‘Red Storm Rising’.

— Vice President Dan Quayle
——————————————————————————–
The US has a vital interest in that area of the country.

— Vice President Dan Quayle Referring to Latin America.
——————————————————————————–
Japan is an important ally of ours. Japan and the United States of the Western industrialized capacity, 60 percent of the GNP, two countries. That’s a statement in and of itself.

— Vice President Dan Quayle
——————————————————————————–
Who would have predicted… that Dubcek, who brought the tanks in in Czechoslovakia in 1968 is now being proclaimed a hero in Czechoslovakia. Unbelievable.

— Vice President Dan Quayle Actually, Dubcek was the leader of the Prague Spring.
——————————————————————————–
May our nation continue to be the beakon of hope to the world.

— The Quayles’ 1989 Christmas card. Not a beacon of literacy, though.
——————————————————————————–
Well, it looks as if the top part fell on the bottom part.

— Vice President Dan Quayle referring to the collapsed section of the 880 freeway after the San Francisco earthquake of 1989. this may be a joke; the source is unclear. but it’s still funny
——————————————————————————–
.. getting cruise missiles more accurate so that we can have precise precision.

— Vice President Dan Quayle referring to his legislative work dealing with cruise missles
——————————————————————————–
I can identify with steelworkers. I can identify with workers that have had a difficult time.

— Vice President Dan Quayle addressing workers at an Ohio steel plant,1988
——————————————————————————–
I will never have another Jimmy Carter grain embargo, Jimmy, Jimmy Carter, Jimmy Carter grain embargo, Jimmy Carter grain embargo.

— Vice President Dan Quayle during the Bentson debate
——————————————————————————–
Certainly, I know what to do, and when I am Vice President — and I will be — there will be contingency plans under different sets of situations and I tell you what, I’m not going to go out and hold a news conference about it. I’m going to put it in a safe and keep it there! Does that answer your question?

— Vice President Dan Quayle when asked what he would do if he assumed the Presidency,1988
——————————————————————————–
Lookit, I’ve done it their way this far and now it’s my turn. I’m my own handler. Any questions? Ask me … There’s not going to be any more handler stories because I’m the handler … I’m Doctor Spin.

— Vice President Dan Quayle responding to press reports his aides having to, in effect, “potty train” him.
——————————————————————————–
I would guess that there’s adequate low-income housing in this country.

— Vice President Dan Quayle
——————————————————————————–
Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things.

— Vice President Dan Quayle
——————————————————————————–
The real question for 1988 is whether we’re going to go forward to tomorrow or past to the — to the back!

— Vice President Dan Quayle
——————————————————————————–
We will invest in our people, quality education, job opportunity, family, neighborhood, and yes, a thing we call America.

— Vice President Dan Quayle, 1988
——————————————————————————–
We’ll let the sunshine in and shine on us, because today we’re happy and tomorrow we’ll be even happier.

— Vice President Dan Quayle, 1988
——————————————————————————–
We’re going to have the best-educated American people in the world.

— Vice President Dan Quayle
——————————————————————————–
This election is about who’s going to be the next President of the United States!

— Vice President Dan Quayle, 1988
——————————————————————————–
Don’t forget about the importance of the family. It begins with the family. We’re not going to redefine the family. Everybody knows the definition of the family. [Meaningful pause] A child. [Meaningful pause] A mother. [Meaningful pause] A father. There are other arrangements of the family, but that is a family and family values.
I’ve been very blessed with wonderful parents and a wonderful family, and I am proud of my family. Anybody turns to their family. I have a very good family. I’m very fortunate to have a very good family. I believe very strongly in the family. It’s one of the things we have in our platform, is to talk about it.
I suppose three important things certainly come to my mind that we want to say thank you. The first would be our family. Your family, my family — which is composed of an immediate family of a wife and three children, a larger family with grandparents and aunts and uncles. We all have our family, whichever that may be … The very beginnings of civilization, the very beginnings of this country, goes back to the family. And time and time again, I’m often reminded, especially in this Presidential campaign, of the importance of a family, and what a family means to this country. And so when you pay thanks I suppose the first thing that would come to mind would be to thank the Lord for the family.

— Vice President Dan Quayle
——————————————————————————–
Newsflash X/X 1992 Newsflash

St. Louis, MO –(UPI)– Vice President Dan Quayle today visited St. Lous, MO, which bears a heavy population descended from German immigrants. In order to show support for the newly-unified country of Germany, fatherland of many in the audience, he repeated John F. Kennedy’s words of support 30 years earlier, but this time in English, “I am a Jelly Doughnut!” Political commentators agreed that something was lost in the translation. Dan Quayle explained his remark by saying that he had been told that those who lived in central America enjoyed jelly doughnuts.

SPEECH GOOFS

——————————————————————————–
“I want to make sure everybody who has a job wants a job”
— George Bush, during his first Presidential campaign
——————————————————————————–
“This is a great day for France!”
— Richard Nixon, while attending Charles De Gaulle’s funeral
——————————————————————————–
“Now, like, I’m President. It would be pretty hard for some drug guy to come into the White House and start offering it up, you know? … I bet if they did, I hope I would say, ‘Hey, get lost. We don’t want any of that.'”
— George Bush, talking about drug abuse to a group of students
——————————————————————————–
“For seven and a half years I’ve worked alongside President Reagan. We’ve had triumphs. Made some mistakes. We’ve had some sex … uh… setbacks.”
— George Bush
——————————————————————————–
“I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy. But that could change.”
— Dan Quayle
——————————————————————————–
“Hawaii has always been a very pivotal role in the Pacific. It is in the Pacific. It is a part of the United States that is an island that is right here.”
— Dan Quayle during a visit to Hawaii in 1989
——————————————————————————–
“What a waste it is to lose one’s mind– or not to have a mind. How true that is.”
— Dan Quayle addressing the United Negro College Fund
——————————————————————————–
“I am honored today to begin my first term as the Governor of Baltimore-that is Maryland.”
— William Donald Schaefer, first inaugural address
——————————————————————————–
“The caribou love it. They rub against it and they have babies. There are more caribou in Alaska than you can shake a stick at.”
— George Bush, on the Alaska pipeline
——————————————————————————–
“I hope I stand for anti-bigotry, anti-Semitism, anti-racism. This is what drives me.”
— George Bush
——————————————————————————–
“If I listened to Michael Dukakis long enough I would be convinced that we’re in an economic downturn and people are homeless and going without food and medical attention and that we’ve got to do something about the unemployed.”
— Ronald Reagan
——————————————————————————–
“My fellow Americans, I’ve signed legislation that will outlaw Russia forever. We begin bombing in five minutes.”
— Ronald Reagan, about to go on the air for a radio broadcast, unaware that the microphone was already on
——————————————————————————–
“Mars is essentially in the same orbit. Mars is somewhat the same distance from the sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe.”
— Dan Quayle
——————————————————————————–
“Now we are trying to get unemployment to go up and I think we’re going to succeed.”
— Ronald Reagan
——————————————————————————–
Walter Mondale: George Bush doesn’t have the manhood to apologize.
Bush: Well, on the manhood thing, I’ll put mine up against his any time.
——————————————————————————–
“I’m not against the blacks and a lot of the good blacks will attest to that.”
— Evan Mecham, then governor of Arizona
——————————————————————————–
“Nixon has been sitting in the White House while George McGovern has been exposing himself to the people of the United States.”
— Frank Licht, then governor of Rhode Island, campaigning for McGovern in 1972
——————————————————————————–
“The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation’s history…this century’s history…. We all lived in this century. I didn’t live in this century.”
— Dan Quayle

Essence

——————————————————————————–

Anonymous

A politician is a man full of promise.

——————————————————————————–

Adlai Stevenson (1900-1965) American Politician

A politician is a statesman who approaches every question with an open mouth.

——————————————————————————–

Thomas B. “Boss” Reed (1839-1902)American Senator

A Statesman is a politician who is dead.

——————————————————————————–

John Leonard (b. 1939) American Critic

Politics is a form of astrology – and money is its sign.

——————————————————————————–

Sidney Hillman (1887-1946)American Labor Leader

Politics is the science of how who gets what, when and why.

——————————————————————————–

Ely Culbertson (1891-1955)American Editor

Politics: The diplomatic name for the law of the jungle.

——————————————————————————–

Otto von Bismarck (1815-1898) Prussian Statesman and Chancellor

Politics is the art of the possible.

——————————————————————————–

John Kenneth Galbraith (b. 1908)Canadian Economist

Politics is not the art of the possible. It consists in choosing between the disastrous and the unpalatable.

——————————————————————————–

Eugene E. Brussell

A politician is one who likes what the majority likes.

Opposites

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Margaret Thatcher British Conservative Prime Minister

In politics if you want anything said, ask a man. If you want anything done, ask a woman.

——————————————————————————–

Maurice Barres (1862-1923)French Writer and Politician

The politician is an acrobat. He keeps his balance by saying the opposite of what he does.

——————————————————————————–

Oscar Levant (1906-1972)American Pianist and Composer

I once said cynically of a politician, “He’ll double-cross that bridge when he comes to it.”

——————————————————————————–

Anonymous

A candidate running for Congress hired two assistants: one to dig up the facts and the other to bury them.

——————————————————————————–

George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950) British Dramatist, Critic, Novelist and Wit

He knows nothing; and he thinks he knows everything. That points clearly to a political career.

——————————————————————————–

Anonymous A politician is a guy who shakes your hand before an election and your confidence afterwards.

——————————————————————————–

George Jean Nathan (1882-1958)American Critic, Author and Editor

Bad politicians are the ones elected by good citizens who do not vote.

——————————————————————————–

H. L. Mencken (1880-1956) American Editor, Author, and Critic

A good politician is quite as unthinkable as an honest burglar.

——————————————————————————–

Will Rogers (1879-1935) American Humorist

The more you read about politics, you got to admit that each party is worse than the other.

——————————————————————————–

Will Stanton

“How to Tell a Democrat from a Republican,” in LHJ Republicans sleep in twin beds – some even in separate rooms. That is why there are more Democrats.

——————————————————————————–

Johann W. von Goethe (1749-1832)German Poet and Novelist

In politics as on the sickbed, people toss from one side to another, thinking they will be more comfortable.

——————————————————————————–

Groucho Marx (1890-1977)(Julius H. Marx) American Comedic Entertainer

In America you can go on the air and kid the politicians, and the politicians can go on the air and kid the people.

——————————————————————————–

Eugene McCarthy (b. 1916) American Politician

Being in politics is like being a football coach; you have to be smart enough to understand the game, and dumb enough to think it’s important.

——————————————————————————–

James Reston American Journalist

A government is the only known vessel that leaks from the top.

——————————————————————————–

Peg Bracken Quoted in: Penguin Dictionary of Modern Humorous Quotes

Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?

——————————————————————————–

Q:Robin Hood used to rob the rich to give to the poor. Where would he be if he were alive today?

A: Well, if he did it in reverse he’d be in Washington.

Insight

——————————————————————————–

Will Rogers (1879-1935) American Humorist

You know, Congress is a strange place. A man gets up to speak and says nothing, nobody listens, and then everybody disagrees.

——————————————————————————–

Edward R. Murrow (1908-1965)American Journalist

When the politicians complain that TV turns the proceedings into a circus, it should be made clear that the circus was already there, and that TV has merely demonstrated that not all the performers are well trained.

——————————————————————————–

Robert J. Dole (b. 1923 American Politician

If you’re hanging around with nothing to do and the zoo is closed, come over to the Senate. You’ll get the same kind of feeling and you won’t have to pay.

——————————————————————————–

Andy Rooney (b. 1919) American Television Personality

The only people who say worse things about politicians than reporters do are other politicians.

——————————————————————————–

Saul Bellow (b. 1915) Canadian-American Author

Take our politicians: they’re a bunch of yo-yos. The presidency is now a cross between a popularity contest and a high school debate, with an encyclopedia of clichés the first prize.

——————————————————————————–

Nikita S. Khrushchev (1894-1971) Russian Leader

Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build abridge even where there is no river.

——————————————————————————–

Will Rogers (1879-1935) American Humorist

The man with the best job in the country is the vice president. All he has to do is get up every morning and say, “How is the president?”

——————————————————————————–

Alben Barkley (1877-1956) American Politician – V.P. for Truman

Two brothers were born to a family in Kentucky. When they grew up one ran off to sea, the other became Vice President of the United States. Neither one was ever heard from again.

——————————————————————————–

Bill Vaughan

The Vice-Presidency is sort of like the last cookie on the plate. Everybody insists he won’t take it, but somebody always does. the men who are running for president are concerned, they aren’t even people I would date.

——————————————————————————–

Nora Ephron (b. 1941) American Writer

Women are being considered as candidates for vice president of the United States because it is the worst job in America. It’s amazing that men will take it. A job with real power is first lady. I’d be willing to run for that.

——————————————————————————–

Grace Hansen (d. 1985)American Politician

I feel I’m as qualified for office as any of the other comedians who are running.

——————————————————————————–

Harry S. Truman (1884-1972) American – 33rd President of the United States

I remember when I first came to Washington. For the first six months you wonder how the hell you ever got here. For the next six months you wonder how the hell the rest of them ever got here. constituencies.

——————————————————————————–

H. L. Mencken (1880-1956) American Editor, Author, and Critic

The whole aim of practical politics is to keep the populace alarmed (and hence clamorous to be led to safety) by menacing it with an endless series of hobgoblins, all of them imaginary.

——————————————————————————–

Henry Kissinger (b. 1923) German-American Statesman

Ninety percent of the politicians give the other ten percent a bad reputation.

——————————————————————————–

Lily Tomlin (b. 1939) American Actress

Ninety-eight percent of the adults in this country are decent, hardworking, honest Americans. It’s the other lousy two percent that get all the publicity. But then -we elected them.

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Politicians have three hats: one they wear, one they toss in the ring; and one they talk through!

——————————————————————————–

There are three types of politicians: those that cannot lie, those that cannot tell the truth, and those that cannot tell the difference.

——————————————————————————–

Politician: One whose greatest asset is his liability.

——————————————————————————–

Charles de Gaulle (1890-1970) French General and Statesman Newsweek, 1962

Since a politician never believes what he says, he is surprised when others believe him.

——————————————————————————–

Anonymous

Somebody once observed that politics is a game of strategy: the people try to figure out what the politician stands for, and the politician tries to figure out how much the people will fall for.

——————————————————————————–

Charles de Gaulle (1890-1970) French General and Statesman

In order to become the master, the politician poses as the servant.

——————————————————————————–

Ian Gilmour British Conservative Party Leader

Politicians trim and tack in their quest for power, but they do so in order to get the wind of votes in their sails.

——————————————————————————–

Elliot L. Richardson American – Attorney General

Washington is…a city of cocker spaniels. It’s a city of people who are more interested in being petted and admired, loved, than rendering the exercise of power.

——————————————————————————–

Richard J. Needham

Power is a drug on which the politicians are hooked. They buy it from the voters, using the voters’ own money.

——————————————————————————–

The government regards a citizen as one who has what it takes.

——————————————————————————–

Institute for Policy Innovation Quoted in: Forbes, 5/24/93

In 1960 there were 365 paid lobbyists of the Senate. Today, there are over 40,000, or approximately 400 lobbyists per Senator.

——————————————————————————–

Ronald Reagan (b. 1911) American – 40th President of the U.S.

I used to say that politics was the second oldest profession, and I have come to know that it bears a gross similarity to the first.

——————————————————————————–

Harry S. Truman (1884-1972) American – 33rd President of the United States

My choice early in life was either to be a piano-player in a whorehouse or a politician. And to tell the truth there’s hardly any difference.

——————————————————————————–

Bill Vaughan

There is an increased demand for codes of ethics in politics, although most office holders are sworn in with their hand resting on one.

——————————————————————————–

John F. Kennedy (1917-1963) American – 35th President of the United States

I know that when things don’t go well, they like to blame the president, and that is one of the things presidents are paid for.

——————————————————————————–

Laurence J. Peter (b. 1919) Canadian-American Educator and Author

Democracy is a process by which the people are free to choose the man who will get the blame.

——————————————————————————–

George F. Will (b. 1941)American Newspaper Columnist

Voters don’t decide issues, they decide who will decide the issues.

——————————————————————————–

Thomas Hardy (1840-1928)English Novelist and Poet The Early Life of Thomas Hardy (by. F. E. Hardy)

The offhand decision of some commonplace mind high in office at a critical moment influences the course of events for a hundred years.

——————————————————————————–

Sir Ernest Benn (1875-1954) English Publisher The “Observer” 1930

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it whether it exists or not, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedy.

——————————————————————————–

Charles E. Wilson (1886-1972) American Industrialist

The only ones who know all the answers are politicians out of a job.

——————————————————————————–

Franklin P. Adams (1881-1960) (F.P.A.) American Journalist and Humorist

Nods and Becks Elections are won by men and women chiefly because most people vote against somebody rather than for somebody.

——————————————————————————–

Anonymous Politicians and physicians resemble one another in this respect, that some defend the constitution and others destroy it.

Positive

——————————————————————————–

We have the best politicians money can buy!

——————————————————————————–

George S. Kaufman (1889-1961) American Playwright

Office hours are from twelve to one with an hour off for lunch.

——————————————————————————–

Simon Cameron (1799-1889) American Politician

An honest politician is one who, when he is bought, will stay bought.

——————————————————————————–

William H. Vanderbilt (1821-1885)American Industrialist

When I want to buy up any politician, I always find the antimonopolists the more purchasable. They don’t come so high.

——————————————————————————–

McKinney Hubbard (1868-1930) American Newspaper Humorist and Caricaturist

Now and then an innocent man is sent to the legislature.

——————————————————————————–

Theodore Roosevelt (1858-1919) American – 26th President of the U.S.

The most successful politician is he who says what everybody is thinking most often and in the loudest voice.

——————————————————————————–

Laurence J. Peter (b. 1919) Canadian-American Educator and Author

Political success is the ability, when the inevitable occurs, to get credit for it.

——————————————————————————–

Sir Winston Churchill (1874-1965) British Statesman and Author

In war you can be killed only once. In politics, many times.

——————————————————————————–

William R. Hearst (1863-1951) American Newspaper Publisher editorial, 1933

A politician will do anything to keep his job -even become a patriot.

Negative

——————————————————————————–

Graffito

Nothing political is correct.

——————————————————————————–

Adlai Stevenson (1900-1965) American Politician

He is the kind of politician who would cut down a redwood tree, then mount the stump and make a speech for conservation.

——————————————————————————–

Jackie Mason (b. 1931)American Comedian and Entertainer Jackie Mason’s America

It is more profitable for your Congressman to support the tobacco industry than your life.

——————————————————————————–

Benjamin Disraeli (1804-1881) English Statesman and Author

In politics, nothing is contemptible.

——————————————————————————–

Thomas Jefferson (1743-1826)American – 3rd President of the United States

Whenever a man has cast a longing eye on offices, a rottenness begins in his conduct.

——————————————————————————–

George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950) British Dramatist, Critic, Novelist and Wit

Democracy substitutes election by the incompetent many for the appointment by the corrupt few.

——————————————————————————–

Gore Vidal (b. 1925)American Writer

It makes no difference who you vote for – the two parties are really one party representing four percent of the people.

——————————————————————————–

Graffito Quoted, BBC South West (4/30/79)

No matter who you vote for, the Government always gets in.

——————————————————————————–

It’s getting harder and harder to support the government in the style to which it has become accustomed.

——————————————————————————–

James Grover Thurber (1894-1961)American Cartoonist and Writer

Fables for Our Time You can fool too many of the people too much of the time.

——————————————————————————–

John F. Kennedy (1917-1963) American – 35th President of the United States

Mothers all want their sons to grow up to be president, but they don’t want them to become politicians in the process.

——————————————————————————–

Arthur Schopenhauer (1788-1860) German Philosopher On Jurisprudence and Politics

At bottom, every state regards another as a gang of robbers who will fall upon it as soon as there is an opportunity.

——————————————————————————–

Ronald Reagan (b. 1911) American – 40th President of the U.S.

Government is like a baby. An alimentary canal with a big appetite at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other.

Advice

——————————————————————————–

Bernard Baruch (1870-1965)American Financier

Vote for the man who promises least. He’ll be the least disappointing.

——————————————————————————–

Eugene McCarthy (b. 1916) American Politician

It is dangerous for a national candidate to say things that people might remember.

——————————————————————————–

Edward R. Murrow (1908-1965)American Journalist

The politician is…trained in the art of inexactitude. His words tend to be blunt or rounded, because if they have a cutting edge they may later return to wound him.

——————————————————————————–

Mario Cuomo (b. 1932) American Politician – Governor of New York

You campaign in poetry. You govern in prose.

——————————————————————————–

John F. Kennedy (1917-1963) American – 35th President of the United States

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.

——————————————————————————–

Lyndon B. Johnson (1908-1973) American – 36th U.S. President

If you’re in politics and you can’t tell when you walk into a room who’s for you and who’s against you, then you’re in the wrong line of work.

——————————————————————————–

Edmund Burke (1729-1979)English Political Writer and Statesman

Observations on a publications entitled: It is a general error to imagine the loudest complainers for the public to be the most anxious for its welfare.

——————————————————————————–

Anonymous

You can criticize the president

You can criticize the vice president

You can criticize the Congress But you have to hand it to the IRS.

Poetry

——————————————————————————–

Rosaria Cove

The snob is the laughing stock of most, most of his own flock; if he does not add a touch of clownery, to his wittery;

——————————————————————————–

Alexander Pope (1688-1744)English Poet, Critic and Translator Moral Essays

Old politicians chew on wisdom past, And totter on in business to the last.

Jokes

——————————————————————————–

Len Deighton British Mystery Writer

In Mexico an air conditioner is called a politician because it makes a lot of noise but doesn’t work very well.

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Will Rogers (1879-1935) American Humorist

Now a delegate is bad enough, but an alternate is just a spare tire for a delegate. An alternate is the lowest form of political life there is. He is the parachute on a plane that never leaves the ground.

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Larry Hagman (b. 1931)American Actor

My definition of a redundancy is an air-bag in a politician’s car.

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Clarence Darrow (1857-1938) American Lawyer and Writer

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I’m beginning to believe it.

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I like political jokes unless they get elected.

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Will Rogers (1879-1935) American Humorist

I don’t make jokes – I just watch the government and report the facts.

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Will Rogers (1879-1935) American Humorist

Congressmen and fellows like me are alike in some ways, I guess. But when I make a joke, it’s a joke. Whey THEY make a joke, it’s a law.

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Q. What’s the opposite of progress?

A. Congress.

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Alben Barkley (1877-1956) American Politician – V.P. for Truman

When I was in the House, I was told that the difference between the House Foreign Affairs Committee and the Senate Foreign Relations Committee was that the Senators were too old to have affairs. They only have relations.718 WE 201

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Robert O. Rupp Quoted in: New York Times, 11/3/86

We stopped counting his mistresses and started counting his accomplishments.
Reporter:” What for?” Congressman: “No five.”

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The Congressman was famous for his junkets which were seldom solitary. Journalist: “The Congressman may soon be off to Europe again with his female secretaries.”

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Then there was one politician’s idea of safe sex. no press.

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Mark Twain (1835-1910) (Samuel Langhorne Clemens) American Humorist

Suppose you were an idiot and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself.

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The workman was hanging a sign outside of Congress. It read, “Solicitors, fakers and grafters will not be permitted in the House.” Just then a senator happened by.” Better strike out -Senate, my dear, but not in the House.”

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Mark Twain (1835-1910) (Samuel Langhorne Clemens) American Humorist

It could probably be shown by facts and figures that there is no distinctively native American criminal class except Congress.

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When he first ran for office, he appealed to the voters: “I never stole anything in my life. All I ask is a chance.

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He was elected because of his gift of gab, and was defeated because of his gift of grab.

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Senator Dale Bumpers (b. 1925)American Politician Quoted: San Francisco Examiner 12/29/91

Sometimes, I honest-to-God think you have to take a stupid pill every morning to serve in the U.S. Senate.

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Mayor screaming at secretary in front of one of his department heads: “If you were any dumber I’d make you a Commissioner.”

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Gerald B. H. Solomon American Politician Quoted in: New York Times, 8/9/86

[My dog] can bark like a congressman, fetch like an aide, beg like a press secretary and play dead like a receptionist when the phone rings.

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Dick Hyman Washington Wind and Wisdom

A Congressman, campaigning for re-election, was working a crowd when one voter, apparently not impressed with his record, shouted, “Hey, I wouldn’t vote for you if you were Saint Peter himself!” ( “Don’t worry,” retorted the honorable opponent, “you’ll never be either.”

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A member of the House of Representatives asserted pompously his conviction that he could not be wrong.” I know I’m right,” he thundered.” And I’d rather be right than be president!”

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“I wouldn’t be a fool if I were you,” said the pompous politician to a friend. “If you were me you wouldn’t be a fool.” of lies about you around the city.” “Can’t come today,” the candidate told him.” I’ve got to go to Dallas.” “But, Jim, this is important. They are telling lies about you in Houston,” the manager protested. “Dallas is even more important,” said Jim. “They’re telling the truth about me there.,” the candidate told him.” I’ve got to go to Dallas.”

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Maureen Murphy

The reason there are so few female politicians is that it is too much trouble to put makeup on two faces.

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Q. How do most American’s feel about the way the President has handled the nation’s economy?

A. They couldn’t be more indebted.

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L. M. Boyd American Columnist Grab Bag, San Francisco Examiner 7/5/92

Q:How many governmental bodies in this country have the power to tax.

A:71,000.But that was a few months ago.

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A fine is a tax you pay for doing wrong and a tax is a fine you pay for doing all right.

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Russell B. Long American Politician

Tax reform means, “Don’t tax you, don’t tax me, tax that fellow behind the tree.”

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When it comes to tax reduction, never was so little waited for by so many for so long.

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Everybody should pay their taxes with a smile. I tried it but they wanted cash.

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Vacation time is when you get away from it all. Income tax time is when they get it all away from you.

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An old story has it that there used to be a first aid course for Congressmen, Senators and others in government. At one session of the course the instructor asked a Congressman what he’d do if he came on a person in a faint.

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Ronald Reagan (b. 1911) American – 40th President of the U.S.

There were so many candidates on the platform that there were not enough promises to go around.

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The politicians who were promising two cars in every garage last year are now busily engaged in putting up new parking meters.

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Unlisted

Politicians and roosters crow about what they intend to do. The roosters deliver what is promised.

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Anonymous

Give a politician a free hand and he will put it in your pocket.

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Anonymous

Politicians have stopped passing the buck – now it stays with them.

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Jay Leno (b. 1950)American Entertainer

I saw a senator on a Sunday morning talk show who said that actions of the Senate have created jobs for a lot of citizens.Yeah, but let’s face it – you can’t make a career out of jury duty.

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Dick Hyman Quoted in: Washington Wind and Wisdom

A traveler on an airplane struck up a conversation with the passenger seated beside him. The first admitted to the other that he was uneasy. “I was just released from prison,” he said, “and I’m on my way back home. It’ll be

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Most politicians can’t stand on their records until they get their feet out of their mouths.

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Q:What do you think of our two candidates?

A: Well, I’m glad only one can be elected.

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Both candidates are ready and willing. Now if we could only find one who’s able.

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When the main portion of the meal was finished, the presiding person whispered to the politician, “Shall we let the people enjoy themselves a little longer, or would you like to deliver your speech now?” Coolidge: “You lose.”

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Famous society hostess to “Silent Cal” Coolidge: Hostess: “Oh President Coolidge,” she bubbled, “I’ve made a bet with the others that I can make you say three words tonight. What do you say to that?” G A heckler promptly shouted:” Yes, and if you don’t be quick about, they’ll be along to hear you!”

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The politician was taking an unconscionably long time for his speech. He bellowed forth over his hearer’s weary heads:” I am speaking for the benefit of posterity.”

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Paul Cilwa PC TECHNIQUES April/May 1992

Software reviewer describing a very slow computer program: “…it ran with the speed of a congressman getting to the point.”

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I know a politician who is so old, he doesn’t run for office – he walks.

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Jeff Rovin 1001 More Great Jokes

Then there were the cannibals who captured a safari consisting entirely of politicians. They had to buy a crock pot to cook them.

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Clare Boothe Luce (1903-1987) American Writer and Politician

The politicians were talking themselves red, white and blue in the face. I miss somethin’, or did that jerk just forget to finish the sentence?”

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Once, when Al Smith had paused in a speech because a heckler kept interrupting him, the man shouted, “Go ahead, Al, don’t let me bother you. Tell ’em all you know. It won’t take you long.”

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John Dawkins Australian – Member of Parliament

I heard his library burned down and that both books were destroyed – and one of them hadn’t even been colored in yet.

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Art Buchwald (b. 1925) American Writer

I always wanted to get into politics, but I was never light enough to make the team. finger at the other, and challenged: “I dare you, sir, to tell me about the powerful interest that controls you!” “Now wait a minute,” roared the accused.” You leave my wife out of this!”

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Dick Hyman Washington Wind and Wisdom

During an election, two candidates for the office of Mayor on a small Southern town were engaged in a knockdown, drag-out debate. Finally one candidate jumped to his feet, leveled ax Jack – Don’t buy a single vote more than is necessary. I’ll be damned if I am going to pay for a landslide.

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You can count on one thing with federal regulations: the mumbo is always jumbo.

Rearrange the letters below and get the right meaning!

George Walker Bush, President of the United States of America
= Damn! Result is garbage, takes pretender to White House office.

Candidate George W. Bush, Governor of Texas
= Whos bagged votes for a grand executioner?

George Walker Bush, President of the USA
= Pretender grabs White House — flag use OK?

The Governor of Texas George W Bush
=Ohh no, Gores few extra votes! Bugger

The President Of The United States Of America, George Walker Bush
= Power take after seed foe, Mr. Clinton… but gee… he sure is a shithead!

Democrat Al Gore
= Great moral code

Compassionate Conservative
= Conspire to save a vast income!

Florida Supreme Court
= Is up for Democrat rule

Senator John McCain
= No! Isnt major chance

Electoral Votes
= Ever-close total

Bill Clintons Last Year in Office
= Fellations cost fine brilliancy.

President Gore = I represent God.

Strom Thurmond, Republican
= Bald moron interrupts much

William Jefferson Clinton (president)
= Jilts nice women. In for fall.
= Fine: If in jam, controls well.
= Female joins clown in flirt

President
= Stupid sneer

The First Lady
= Has felt dirty

The President of the United States
= Refined path to the destituteness.

The President of The United States of America, Bill Clinton
= Tried to catch it in a tin pot, but semen fell on a dress. Life, eh?

William Jefferson Clinton, President of the USA
= Intern fellated; major lies; now cut off his penis!

White House Intern Miss Monica Samille Lewinsky
= Hey! William Clinton arouses me. Hi! Im Kens witness!

United States of America
= Dine out, taste a Mac, fries.
= Constitutes a media fear.
= Attain suitcase freedom.

Bush Gore (Two presidential candidates: George W Bush, Al Gore)
= Ugh! Bores

The House of Representatives
= Thou see there a nest of vipers.

The United States Congress (US legislative body)
= Secretes nastiest hot dung.
= Enthused in greatest costs

Vice President Joseph Lieberman (Democratic VP candidate)
= Semi-senile chap in perverted job

William Hague, leader of the Conservative Party
= Taunt: We have free gay adviser: Michael Portillo!
= Vaunt a race MP? Weve a Tory Adolf Hitler. Sieg heil!

The US presidential election
= Petulant, dire elite is chosen

United States of America
= Eat our fascist dementia
= Resuscitate defamation

The Republican National Committee
= Bump the total in American election!
= Patient, me? I machine-recount ballot!
= Recount the ballot? Im an emetic pain.

The Conservative Party
= Teacher in vast poverty
= Reach vain petty voters
= Re-activate NHS poverty
= O teach perverts vanity
= Tap in the vast recovery

The Conservative Party Conference
= French contraceptive on every seat?

Election promises
= Come-ons – lies – tripe.

Lee Harvey Oswald (Kennedys Assasin)
= Revealed: Who slay.
= Lay overhead. Slew.

Monica Samille Lewinsky
= Slick Willies my A-one man!
= Sick woman lies menially
= Well! My! Amen! sick liaison
= Ya! lick on Williams semen
= Now I am a silly semen lick
= Ya! O Man! I lick Wills semen!
= I see silly woman lick man

President Clinton
= Content in red lips
= e spilt on DC intern

Republican National Committee
= Inept ballot count: America mine!

Al and Tipper Gore
= Preparing to lead

Chief Justice William Rehnquist
= Which crime? Just lie? Inquest fail.
= Lie, wench! Life jurist acquits him.
= Fetches Will in, juries acquit him.

Albert Arnold Gore (Presidential Election — 2000)
= Groaned, Ballot err!

Federal Bureau of Investigation
= If found alive; abuse; interrogate

Senators Albert Gore and Joseph Lieberman (Democratic Partys presidential ticket 2000)
= Sane men do best to rephrase Liberal jargon

Mister Newton Leroy Gingrich (US republican politician, former speaker)
= I control enemy right-wingers.
= Screwing the minority longer.

Ronald Wilson Reagan (US President)
= No, darlings, no ERA law
= Insane Anglo Warlord
= A long-insane Warlord

President George Bush
= the depression bugger!

George Bush with Dick Cheney (Republican Partys presidential ticket 2000)
= Heck, be cheesy, right wing duo!

Ralph Nader (U.S. Public Safety Advocate/Politician)
= Harder plan
= Plan harder

Liberal Democrats
= Creditable morals

George Bush
= He Bugs Gore.

George Herbert Walker Bush (Ex-US President)
= Huge berserk rebel warthog

Signing our Declaration of Independence of the United States of America
= Thirteen Colonies post defiance dead against future foreign dominance

Jytte Hildens telefon ringer, men tages af Mogens Lykketoft.

– “Goddag, jeg vil gerne tale med kulturministeren” –
– “Min kone er desværre ikke hjemme, og hun er ikke længere kulturminister” –
– “Øh, så må De undskylde” –

Få minuter senere ringer telefonen igen, den samme stemme høres.

– “Goddag, jeg vil gerne tale med kulturministeren” –
– “Som jeg sagde tidligere, er min kone ikke hjemme, og hun er ikke længere kulturminister” –
– “Så må De undskylde ulejligheden” –

Fem minutter senere en ny opringning, samme stemme.

– “Goddag, jeg vil gerne tale med kulturministeren” –
Lykketoft, stram i betrækket: =
– “Har De da ikke forstået at min kone ikke længere er kulturminister?” –
– “Jo, selvfølgelig” –
– “Jamen hvorfor ringer De så igen?” –
– “Jeg kan simpelthen ikke høre det tit nok” –

Hørt i aftenskolen:
– “Mon Karl Marx primært var videnskabsmand eller arbejder?” –
– “Arbejder – en rigtig videnskabsmand havde selvfølgelig kun afprøvet sine teorier på rotter” –

– “Hvad er forskellen mellem demokrati og socialdemokrati?” –
– “Den samme som forskellen mellem en stol og en elektrisk stol” –

– “Hvorfor står kapitalismen altid på afgrundens rand?” –
– “For at få et bedre overblik over socialismen” –

– “Kan en god socialdemokrat kritisere partiet?” –
– “Selvfølgeligt – men sandsynligvis kun een gang” –

– “Hvorfor ønsker socialdemokratiet altid at sætte mennesket i centrum?” –
– “Fordi det så lettere kan beskattes fra alle sider” –

En rocker var død og bankede på himmelens port bevæbnet med både en pumpgun og en maskinpistol. Sankt Peter lukkede op, men inden rockeren fik lov til at komme ind, måtte han efterlade sit arsenal uden for porten. Indenfor fik han dog straks øje på en stor skægget mand, der sad på en høj stol med et dobbeltløbet jagtgevær under armen.
– “Men Sankt Peter, hvis Vorherre har et gevær, hvorfor kunne jeg ikke beholde mit?” –
– “For det første er det en undtagelse, og for det andet er det ikke Vorherre. Det er Karl Marx, der holder udkik efter Stavad og Lykketoft” –

Fra Stavads nye spørgeskema til pensionister:
– Lever De som gift eller enlig? –
– I bekræftende fald – af hvad? –

Marianne Jelved er bekymret. Det går helt vildt tilbage for regeringspartierne – og det KAN skyldes partilederne.

Hun sniger sig op til Anders Fog og spør, hvordan de gør i Venstre.

“Jo, vi har den her intelligenstest, som alle skal igennem.” I det samme kommer Uffe forbi, og Anders Fog siger: “Lad mig lige demonstrere…”

“Uffe, hvem er din far og mors barn, hvis det ikke er din bror eller søster?”

På et splitsekund svarer Uffe: “Det er mig.”

“Se,” siger Anders Fog, “så let er det – og dog så svært”.

Marianne går tilbage på regeringsgangen i dybe tanker. Hun får en tid hos Poul Nyrup, og spør sådan lidt henkastet:

“Du Poul, hvem er din far og mors barn, hvis det ikke er din bror eller søster?”

Der blir en lang pause. Poul tænker. Han ringer til sin rådgiver. Negativt. Han ringer til LO-formanden. Han knalder røret på. Så ringer han til EU – til fru Lone Dybkjær.

“Det er mig” svarer hun omgående, da Poul har stillet hende spørgsmålet.

Med et overlegent smil lægger Poul røret. Rømmer sig. Og siger : “Deeeet
errr Loone..”

“Idiot!!!!” skriger Marianne Jelved, “det er derfor vi går ad Helvede til allesammen”

“Det er UFFE!!!

Mogens Glistrup, George Bush og profeten Muhamed, står og snakker på
toppen af Rundetårn.

Pludselig begynder Bush at smide dollarsedler ud over kanten, og da
Muhamed spørger hvorfor – svarer Bush: “Vi har så mange af dem derhjemme”.

Ganske kort tid efter begynder Muhamed at smide persiske tæpper ud fra
Rundetårn, og Mogens Glistrup spørger: “Hvorfor gør du det”?
“Det er fordi vi har så mange af dem derhjemme” , svarer Muhamed; men næsten inden Muhamed havde svaret færdig, tog Mogens Glistrup ham og smed ham ud over kanten, til stor undren for Bush – der spurgte: “Hvorfor”?

“Nårhhh jo” – svarede Mogens Glistrup – ” vi har jo så mange af dem
herhjemme!