En pilot har lige givet en melding til passagererne over samtaleanlægget,
hvorefter han vender sig mod andenpiloten og siger:
“Damn, jeg ku’ godt bruge en kop kaffe og et blowjob”.
Desværre er samtaleanlægget ikke slået fra, så alle passagererne hører
også kommentaren.
En af stewardesserne styrter mod cockpittet for at slå anlægget fra,
men bliver stoppet af en passager der siger:
“Glem ikke kaffen!”.

En pilot har lige givet en melding til passagererne over samtaleanlægget,
hvorefter han vender sig mod andenpiloten og siger:
“Damn, jeg ku’ godt bruge en kop kaffe og et blowjob”.
Desværre er samtaleanlægget ikke slået fra, så alle passagererne hører
også kommentaren.
En af stewardesserne styrter mod cockpittet for at slå anlægget fra,
men bliver stoppet af en passager der siger:
“Glem ikke kaffen!”.

– SOS! SOS! Kalder flyvestation Værløse!Jeg er 300 KM fra land,
200 M over jorden og er ved at løbe tør for benzin.
Hvad skal jeg gøre?
– Flyvestation Værløse her!
Gentag efter mig! Fader vor du som er i himlen…

Kaptajnen noterede i logbogen: “I dag var 1. styrmanden fuld.”
Da 1. styrmanden opdagede det, gik han til kaptajnen og beklagede sig:
– “Det kan du da ikke være bekendt at skrive, jeg havde jo ikke engang vagt.”
“Men du var fuld.” svarede kaptajnen.
Det måtte 1. styrmanden indrømme, og indså at han ikke kunne gøre meget ved det.
Men næste gang han havde vagt noterede han i logbogen: “I dag var kaptajnen ædru.”

– SOS! SOS! Kalder flyvestation Værløse!
Jeg er 300 KM fra land, 200M over Jorden
og er ved at løbe tør for benzin.
Hvad skal jeg gøre?
– Flyvestation Værløse her!
Gentag efter mig! Fader vor du som er i himlen…

All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight ‘safety lecture’ and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard:

On a Continental Flight with a very “senior” flight attendant crew, the pilot said, “Ladies and gentlemen, we’ve reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants.”

* * * * *

On landing the stewardess said, “Please be sure to take all your belongings. If you’re going to leave anything, please make sure it’s something we’d like to have.”

* * * * *

“There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane.”

* * * * *

“Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.”

* * * * *

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: “Whoa, big fella. WHOA!”

* * * * *

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, “Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted.”

* * * * *

From a Southwest Airlines employee: “Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don’t know how to operate one, you probably shouldn’t be out in public unsupervised.”

* * * * *

“In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face.

If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one small child pick your favourite.”

* * * * *

Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we’ll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines.”

* * * * *

“Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments.”

* * * * *

“As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.

Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.”

* * * * *

And from the pilot during his welcome message: “Delta airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry.

Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!”

* * * * *

Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, “Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what’s left of our airplane to the gate!”

* * * * *

Another flight attendant’s comment on a less than perfect landing: “We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.”

* * * * *

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile,and give them a “Thanks for flying XYZ airline.” He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye,thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, “Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?” “Why no Ma’am,” said the pilot.

“What is it?” The little old lady said, “Did we land or were we shot down?”

* * * * *

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, “Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt.Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we’ll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.”

* * * * *

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, “Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.

Welcome to Flight Number 293. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax – OH, MY GOD!”

Silence followed and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, “Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier; but, while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap.You should see the front of my pants!” A passenger in Coach said, “That’s nothing. He should see the back of mine!”