You can’t be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline – it helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer.
–Frank Zappa

Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
–Ernest Hemmingway

Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.
–Winston Churchill

He was a wise man who invented beer.
–Plato

Time is never wasted when you’re wasted all the time.
–Catherine Zandonella

A woman drove me to drink and I didn’t even have the decency to thank her.
–W.C. Fields

Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink.
–Lady Astor to Winston Churchill

Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it.
–His reply

If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs.
–David Daye

Work is the curse of the drinking class.
–Oscar Wilde

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
–Henny Youngman

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
–Benjamin Franklin

If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.
–Deep Thought, Jack Handy

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
–Dave Barry

The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.
–Humphrey Bogart

Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine.
–David Moulton

People who drink light “beer” don’t like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot.
–Capital Brewery, Middleton, WI

Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.
–Kaiser Wilhelm

I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer.
–Homer Simpson

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.
–Dave Barry

I drink to make other people interesting.
–George Jean Nathan

They who drink beer will think beer.
–Washington Irving

An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.
–For Whom the Bell Tolls, Ernest Hemingway

You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
–Dean Martin

All right, brain, I don’t like you and you don’t like me – so let’s just do this and I’ll get back to killing you with beer.
–Homer Simpson

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
— A Bit of Fry and Laurie

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

The hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the brain,involved in many kinds of motivation, among other functions. The hypothalamus controls the “Four F’s”: 1. fighting; 2. fleeing; 3.feeding; and 4. mating.
— Psychology professor in neuropsychology intro course

Slogan of 105.9, the classic rock radio station in Chicago: “Of all the radio stations in Chicago…we’re one of them.”

Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw.

Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world.
— Dave Barry

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
— A. Whitney Brown

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.
— William James

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there are men on base.
— Dave Barry

When cryptography is outlawed, bayl bhgynjf jvyy unir cevinpl.

Lazlo’s Chinese Relativity Axiom: No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats—approximately one billion Chinese couldn’t care less.

Some mornings, it’s just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
— Emo Phillips

Writing about music is like dancing about architecture.

When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, “Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don’t believe?”
— Quentin Crisp

Boundary, n. In political geography, an imaginary line between two nations, separating the imaginary rights of one from the imaginary rights of another.
— Ambrose Bierce, The Devil’s Dictionary

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
— George Carlin

Life may have no meaning. Or even worse, it may have a meaning of which I disapprove.
— Ashleigh Brilliant

My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
— Ashleigh Brilliant

Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, “I predict, Sir, that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease.” Disraeli replied, “That all depends, sir, upon whether I embrace your principles or your mistress.”

For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off.
— Johnny Carson

My initial response was to sue her for defamation of character, but then I realized that I had no character. — Charles Barkley, on hearing Tonya Harding proclaim herself “the Charles Barkley of figure skating”

The most important thing in the programming language is the name. A language will not succeed without a good name. I have recently invented a very good name and now I am looking for a suitable language.
— D. E. Knuth, 1967

Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.
— Mark Twain

On one occasion a student burst into his office. “Professor Stigler, I don’t believe I deserve this F you’ve given me.” To which Stigler replied, “I agree, but unfortunately it is the lowest grade the University will allow me to award.”

The overwhelming majority of people have more than the average (mean) number of legs.
— E. Grebenik

G: “If we do happen to step on a mine, Sir, what do we do?”
EB: “Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in the air and scatter oneself over a wide area.”
— Somewhere in No Man’s Land, BA4

I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they’ve always worked for me.
— Hunter S. Thompson

Time’s fun when you’re having flies.
— Kermit the Frog

1 : Det er umuligt at lave noget idiotsikret da idioter er for opfindsomme

2 : Udskiftelige komponenter kan ikke udskiftes.

3 : Efterspørgslen for en komponent er omvent proportional med udbudet af komponenten.

4 : Tolerancer vil akkumulere i modsat retning mod et maximum af problemer ved samling.

5 : Hermetiske sejl vil altid blive utætte.

6 : Efter et instrument er blevet succesfuldt samlet vil der altid være komponenter tilbage.

7 : Et tabt værktøj vil lande der hvor det laver mest skade (Også kendt som “Loven om selektiv gravitation”).

8 : Enhver sikkerheds faktor som er sat ved praktiske eksperimenter vil altid blive overgået.

9 : Den mest logiske måde at samle komponenter vil være den forkerte.

10 : Antallet af fejl i et elektronisk kredsløb ,vil stige ligefremt proportional med kvadratroden af antallet af forbindelser.

11 : Nødvendigheden af at lave en stor dessign ændring stiger jo nærmere man kommer færtiggørelsen.

12 : Et fejl-sikret kredsløb vil ødelægge andre.

13 : Sansynligheden for fejl er omvent proportional med letheden for reperation og ombytning.

14 : En fejl i et kredsløb vil ikke optræde før kredsløbet har passeret den endelige inspektion.

15 : Hvis en forkert manual kan blive brugt, er der nogle der vil bruge den.

16 : Hvis en flyvemaskine del kan instaleres forkert ,er der en der vil samle den på den måde.

You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track.

Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.

Whenever a system becomes completely defined,some damn fool discovers something which either abolishes the system or expands it beyond recognition.

Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand.

If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs,then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilisation.

The opulence of the front office decor varies inversely with the fundamental solvency of the firm.

The attention span of a computer is only as long as its electrical cord.

An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until he knows absolutely everything about nothing.

Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he`ll believe you Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he’ll have to touch to be sure.

All great discoveries are made by mistake.

Always draw your curves then plot your reading.

Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.

All’s well that ends.

A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours lost.

The first myth of management is that it exists.

A failure will not appear until a unit has passed final inspection.

New systems generate new problems.

To err is human,but to really foul things up requires a computer.

We dont know one millionth of one percent about anything.

Any given program,when running is obsolete.

Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.

A computer makes as many mistakes in two seconds as 20 men working 20 years make.

Nothing motivates a man more than to see his boss putting in an honest day’s work.

Some people manage by the book,even though the don’t know who wrote the book or even what book.

The primary function of the design engineer is to make things difficult for the fabricator and impossible for the servicemen.

To spot the expert,pick the one who predicts the job will take longest and cost the most.

After all is said and done,a hell of a lot more is said than done.

Any circuit design must contain at least one part which is obsolete,two parts which are unobtainable and three parts which are still under developement.

A complex system that works is invariably found to have evolved from a simple system that works.

If mathematically,you end up with the wrong answer,try multiplying by the page number.

Computers are unreliable,but humans are even more so.Any system which depends on human reliability is unreliable.

Give all orders verbally; Never write anything down that might go into a “Pearl Harbour” file.

Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure, temperature, volume, humidity and other variables, the organism will do as it damn well pleases.

If you can’t understand it, its intuitively obvious.

The more cordial the Buyer’s secretary, the greater the odds that the competition already has the order.

In designing any type of construction, no overall dimensions can be totalled correctly after 4.30pm on a Friday. The correct total will become self evident on Monday at 8.15am.

Fill whats empty and empty whats full and scratch where it itches.

All things are possible exept skiing thru revolving doors.

The only perfect science is Hindsight.

Work smarder not harder and watch yor speling.

If its not in the computer it doesn’t exist.

If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.

When all else fails, read the instructions.

If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.

Everything that goes up must come down.

An instrument when dropped will roll into the least accessible corner.

Any simple theory will be worded in the most complicated way.

Build a system that even a fool can use and only a fool will use it.

The degree of technical competence is inversely proportional to the level of management.