– Goddag, frue. Det er klaverstemmeren!
– Jamen jeg har da ikke bestilt klaverstemmer!
– Nej, men det har deres nabo!

– “Jeg har byttet min tuba til en bil.”
– “Okay! Hvem var dog dum nok til at bytte med dig?”
– “Min underbo…”

1. Most Blues begin with: “Woke up this morning…”

2. “I got a good woman” is a bad way to begin the Blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line like, “I got a good woman, with the meanest
face in town.”

3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes… sort of: “Got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher, and she weigh 500 pound.”

4. The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch – ain’t no way out.

5. Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don’t
travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation
is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft and state-sponsored
motor pools ain’t even in the running. Walkin’ plays a major part in the
blues lifestyle. So does fixin’ to die.

6. Teenagers can’t sing the Blues. They ain’t fixin’ to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, “adulthood” means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or any place in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City are still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the blues in any place that don’t get
rain.

8. A man with male pattern baldness ain’t the blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg ’cause you were skiing is not the blues. Breaking your leg ’cause a alligator be chomping on it is.

9. You can’t have no Blues in a office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster

10. Good places for the Blues:
a. highway
b. jailhouse
c. empty bed
d. bottom of a whiskey glass
Bad places for the Blues:
a. Nordstrom’s
b. gallery openings
c. Ivy League institutions
d. golf courses

11. No one will believe it’s the Blues if you wear a suit, ‘less you happen to be an old ethnic person, and you slept in it.

12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if:
a. you older than dirt
b. you blind
c. you shot a man in Memphis
d. you cain’t be satisfied
No, if:
a. you have all your teeth
b. you were once blind but now can see
c. the man you shot in Memphis lived
d. you have a 401K or trust fund
13. Blues is not a matter of color. It’s a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues. Sonny Liston could. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the blues.

14. If you ask for water and your darlin’ give you gasoline, it’s the Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are:
a. cheap wine
b. whiskey or bourbon
c. muddy water
d. nasty black coffee
The following are NOT Blues beverages:
a. Perrier
b. Chardonnay
c. Snapple
d. Slim Fast
e. Diet Coke

15. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it’s a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So are the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a broken-down cot. You can’t have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or while getting liposuction.

16. Some Blues names for women:
a. Sadie
b. Big Mama
c. Bessie
d. Fat River Dumpling
e. Caledonia

17. Some Blues names for men:
a. Joe
b. Willie
c. Little Willie
d. Big Willie
e. Leroy

18. Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Jennifer, Tiffany, Brooke, Brittany and Heather can’t sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

19. Make your own Blues name Starter Kit:
a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Deaf, Cripple, Lame, etc.)
b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime,
Kiwi, etc.)
c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson,Fillmore,
etc.)
For example: Blind Lime Jefferson, Jakeleg Lemon Johnson or Cripple
Kiwi
Fillmore, etc. (well, maybe not “Kiwi.”

20. Oh, by the way: I don’t care how tragic your life is, if you own a computer, you cannot sing the blues.

DEBATE De stuff dat catches de fish
DEFENCE De wire dat goes around de camp
DEFEAT De tings dat you walk on
DETAIL De ting dat hangs on de back of de cat
DELAY De woman dat sleeps around
DEVORCE De stuff dat you eat wif de mealie pap
DESCENT De money of de white man
DETAIN De place where de flowers grow
DETOUR To contact de ugandah travel agents
DEFAULT De kaffir wif a gun
DEFINE De money you pay when you break the law
DERIDE De ting you get from delay
DESPISE De men who look through the windows
DEPART De piece of something
DESTROY De ting wif what you drink Coca-Cola
DECOMPOUND De place where de kaffirs stay
DENY De NO COMMENT
DEFER De ting dat covers de cat
DETER Default wif de uniform
DETERMINE De bomb of deter
DEFECT De honest to goodness truth
DECEASE De word for a smelly Kaffir
DESTINCT De ting dat causes decease
DESIGN De ting dat you show de enemy
DEBUG De ting dat causes de itch
DECIDE One of de positions for deride
DELIVER De enemy of alcohol
DELETE De song dat you sing
DELIGHT De ting dat shines
DERAIL One of de tings you blow up
DEVINE De liquer you drink when de mampoer is finis
DECOY De ting you sleep on
DETENTE De tings in your mouth dat you eat wif
DEFROST De white stuff on de ground in winter
DELUXE De stuff dey wash you wif when you are young
DEVISION Of de white man
DEPOT De stuff dat you smoke