Element : MAN
Symbol : XY
Common Name(s) : Varies anywhere from John to !@#$&*!
Atomic Weight : 180100

Physical Properties: Solid at room temperature but easily gets bent out of shape. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young, fresh samples.

Chemical Properties: Attempt to bond with Wo any chance it can get. Also, tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with Kd (element Kid) for a prolonged period of time. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.

Usage: None really, except methane production. Good samples are able to produce large quantities on command.

Caution: In the absence of Wo, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.

1. Why do men become smarter during sex?
Because they are plugged into a genius.

2. Why don’t women blink during foreplay?
They don’t have time.

3. Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize 1 egg?
They won’t stop for directions.

4. Why did God put men on earth?
Because a vibrator can’t mow the lawn.

5. Why don’t women have men’s brains?
Because they don’t have penises to put them in.

6. What do electric trains and breasts have in common?
They’re intended for children, but it’s the men who usually
end up playing with them.

7. Why do men snore when they lay on their backs?
Because their balls fall over their assholes and they
vapor lock.

8. Why do men masturbate?
It’s sex with someone they love.

9. Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
So they won’t hump women’s legs at cocktail parties.

10. Why did God make men before women?
You need a rough draft before you have a final copy.

11. Why is a man’s pee yellow and his sperm white?
So he can tell if he is coming or going.

12. How many men does it take to put the toilet seat down?
Nobody knows, it hasn’t happened yet.

Nobody knows who wrote them, but every guy knows them.

When the movie E.T. first came out, a woman I know was surprised that her husband had shed a tear or two during the scene where the alien munchkin dies. This same guy, see, hadn’t so much as misted an eye at the “Terms of Endearment,” but a kid’s movie got him where he lived.

That’s not so odd, I said. Her husband was just following the rules: Guys must stay strong and tear-free through tragedies, but are permitted to cry over the death of a pet (and E.T. was essentially Old Yeller from outer> space). The only time I ever saw my father cry was the day we buried our beloved dog: As we lowered Duke into a hole in the backyard, he hung his head and bawled.

Men follow a covert propriety–a set of unspoken rules that govern our ways and define what it is to be MALE. It’s more than just knowing when it’s okay for a red-blooded all-american guy to cry; there are dozens of inner “prime directives” that tell us how to act like a real man.

Where do these by-laws come from? From everywhere: Dad, first-grade readers, coaches, the Hardy Boys, baseball players, Ben Cartwright, Captin James T. Kirk, older brothers, the Boy Scouts and Ozzie Nelson; and from hanging out with the guys.

Some anthropologists say the codes we follow today were set down way back when men got together to paint bison and saber-toothed tigers on the walls of caves. “Many of these behaviors have been selected by evolution,” explains Warren Farrell, Ph.D., author of the book “Why Men Are the Way They Are.” “For example, it’s a rule that men are supposed to be tough and protect women. This traces back to acient times, when if women bred with men who were gentle and sensitive, those guys got wiped out by invading tribes. The men who were able to bash in some enemy skulls and save them- selves and their women and children were the ones whose genes were passed on.”

For modern men, we’ve compiled a brief list of those unspoken guidelines. These rules look fairly ridiculous on paper, but now that we’ve documented them, you can show them to your wife or girlfriend and say, “See, honey, I’m not the only one who does this stuff…”

THE MALE PRIME DIRECTIVES:

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* On car trips with the family, never ask for directions when you’re lost…

Just keep driving aimlessly around, searching for the mysterious Lost Street of the Damned. Navigate by the seat of your pants like the great Lewis and Clark explorers of old.
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* But it’s okay to stop for directions when driving with another guy… because he won’t sit patiently as you pass the same McDonald’s for the third time.
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* Inch forward at stoplights to keep up with the guys in the cars on both sides….It’s all about who’s out in front.
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* Even if you don’t know a hub cap from a distributor cap, never admit you’re a stranger to the male domain of auto mechanics….If your car won’t run and you’re at a loss for words, try “Could be a cracked ring. Have you checked the compression?”
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* A real man doesn’t need the instruction sheet to figure out something as simple as programming his new VCR…but to cook something as simple as oatmeal, a guy will follow the recipe with the exactitude of a chemical engineer.
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* Don’t confess that you know little, and could care less, about a particular sport, especially if it’s during the finals….”Yeah, that Bo, he’s really something. WOW!, did you see that hook shot!.”
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* Never admit you don’t understand a political issue….Opinions are like whiskers. You’re not an adult male without them.
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* There’s no need to consult the TV Guide when there’e a remote control handy…Just divebomb through all 51 channels, evading commercials like flak, in the never-ending search for a suitable landing spot.
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* If you spill something on the floor, clean it up with a bath towel….It’s unmanly to get down on the floor, so just slop the towel around with your feet.
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* Never pay one of your buddies a compliment. Instead say things like “Where’d you get your haircut, the school for the blind?” or “Who is that awesome blonde I saw you with, and what are you going to do for a date once she meets me?”…He’ll instinctively get the message that this means you value his friendship.
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* If a man cuts you with one of those insults, tell your girlfriend that it hurt your feelings, and you’ll come off more sensitive than Phil Donahue. But never reveal it to the other guy….”Coach, when you said I was a low-life turdbrained doofus for striking out with the bases loaded, it made me feel small and sad.”
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* Never reveal anything about your true, actual authentic and biological sex life to another guy…unless the guy is a urologist.
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* A man should make as much as or more money than his girlfriend or wife. He should be as tall or taller, and at least as smart. Naturally, he should be able to outplay her in many activity, from Ping-Pong to chess… Having met these requirements, he should be liberated enough to be unconcerned about such things.
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* If there are more than two urinals in a restroom and one is being used, proceed to the farthest available urinal. If a line has formed, maintain proper spacing of at least 3 feet back from the guy using the urinal…. Above all, if nothing happens within 30 seconds, don’t just stand there like a geek; shake (3 shakes maximum, anymore and the guy next to you will probably ask you for a date), zip up your fly, flush the toilet and walk away.
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* When you’re in the men’s room alone you needn’t wash your hands when you’re finished…but if another guy is in there with you, scrub your hands as if you were preparing for brain surgery.
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* If you can’t take it, you’re not a man (whatever “it” might be)….Maybe you’re scared of roller coasters, but if your buddies want to go on one,you’d better gird your loins and groan through the zero-Gs or you’ll never hear the end of it.
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* Ingore or deny physical pain…As comedian Billy Crystal reports, “Mike Tyson once hit Trevor Berbick so hard, Trevor did the dance Ann-Margret did in Bye Bye, Birdie. Did he hurt you, Trevor? ‘I was, ah, stunned, that’s all, just stunned.'”
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* Never openly display a broken heart or discuss it with other guys…That’s between you, your six-pack and your collection of Frank Sinatra records.
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* Don’t tell another man your deepest hopes or fears….That’ s like saying, “How do you like my suit of armor” It’s only got two weak spots in it– here and here.”
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* If you want to lose weight, don’t even think about giving up Ben & Jerry’s Chuncky Monkey ice cream….Instead, pull on your running shoes and pound those calories into submission.
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* Every guy should be hip about guns….Hand an economics professor a Remington, and even if he’s never been with 100 light years of a gun before, he’ll work the action, sight down the barrel and generally act like a reincarnation of Daniel Boone or Rambo.
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* If your girlfriend is looking on, flip aloofly through that issue of Playboy as if it were a Better Homes and Gardens special issue on Tupperware. In a huddle of your peers, pause regularly to utter appreciative comments like “WOW! Check that out!”…and if you’re alone, study and quantify each curve like a forensic scientist.
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* When shopping with your mate, do not trail her into the women’s lingerie department….Stand clear of those racks of silk-and-lace panties like a mechanic would avoid the Whirling Fanblades of Death.

Once again the female staff will be offering courses to men of any marital status. Class size will be limited to 18, as course material may prove to be difficult.

# Course Title
101 Combating stupidity
102 You Too Can Do Housework
103 P.M.S. – Learning When to Keep Your Mouth Shut.
104 How To Fill An Ice Cube Tray.
105 We Do Not Want Silly Underthings for Christmas – Give Us Money.
106 Understanding the Female Response to You Coming In Drunk at 4 a.m.
107 Wonderful Laundry Techniques (Formerly Called “Don’t Wash My Silks”)
108 Parenting – No, It Doesn’t End With Conception
109 Get A Life – Learn How to Cook
110 How not To Act Like an Asshole When You’re Obviously Wrong
111 Spelling – Even You Can Get It Right
112 Understanding Your Financial Incompetence
113 You – The Weaker Sex
114 Reasons to Give Flowers
115 How to Stay Awake After Sex
116 Why it is Unacceptable to Relieve Your Self Anywhere But the Bathroom
117 Garbage – Getting it to the Curb
118 Sex 118a: You Can Fall Asleep Without it If You Really Try
Sex 118b: The Morning Dilemma – If it’s Awake, Take a Shower
119 The Weekend And Sports are not Synonynous
120 How to put the Toilet Seat Down
121 How to go Shopping With Your Mate and not get Lost
122 The Remote Control – Overcoming Your Dependency
123 Helpful Postural Hints for Couch Potatoes
124 How not to Act Younger Than Your Children
125 You Too Can be a Designated Driver
126 Honest, You don’t Look Like Mel Gibson, Especially When Naked
127 Changing Your Underwear – It Really Works
128 The Attainable Goal – Omitting #@..*¯ From Your Vocabulary
129 Fluffing the Blankets After Farting Is Not Necessary
130 Real Men Ask For Directions

Are you a Guy? Or ever wanted to be? Maybe you’re one of those “Few Good Men.” Find out – take this Scientific Quiz to determine “Your Guyness Quotient.”

1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth. You decide to:

A. Present it to the President of the United States.
B. Present it to the Secretary General of the United Nations.
C. Take it apart.

2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss the most?

A. Innocence.
B. Idealism.
C. Cherry bombs.

3. When is it okay to kiss another male?

A. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for narrow-minded social conventions.
B. When he is the pope. (Not on the lips.)
C. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only really sportsmanlike way to let him know that, for business reasons, you have to have him killed.

4. What about hugging another male?

A. If he’s your father and at least one of you has a fatal disease.
B. If you’re performing the Heimlich maneuver. (And even in this case, you should repeatedly shout: “I am just dislodging food trapped in this male’s trachea! I am not in any way aroused!”)
C. If you’re a professional baseball player and a teammate hits a home run to win the World Series, you may hug him provided that
(1) He is legally within the basepath,
(2) Both of you are wearing protective cups, and
(3) You also pound him fraternally with your fist hard enough to cause fractures.

5. Complete this sentence: A funeral is a good time to…

A. …remember the deceased and console his loved ones.
B. …reflect upon the fleeting transience of earthly life.
C. …tell the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer’s disease and cancer.

6. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:

A. A cat.
B. A dog.
C. A dog that eats cats.

7. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She’s attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy–you’re watching a football game; she’s reading the papers–when she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She says she’s not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of future together. What do you say?

A. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don’t want to rush it.
B. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot honestly say that you’ll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don’t want to hurt her by holding out false hope.
C. That you cannot believe the Jets called a draw play on third and seventeen.

8. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with her – sharing the joys and the sorrows, the triumphs and the tragedies, and all the adventures and opportunities that the world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her?

A. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
B. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her.
C. Tell her what?

9. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is:

A. “Do they need to eat or anything?”
B. “They’re in school already?”
C. “There are three of them?”

10. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?

A. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes so large that you’re not sure which ones were originally intended for your legs.
B. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and has to be handled with tweezers.
C. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks the garbage regularly in case somebody–and we are not naming names, but this would be his wife–is quietly trying to discard his underwear, which she is frankly jealous of, because the guy seems to have a more intimate relationship with it than with her.

11. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land?

A. He was being tested.
B. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally got there.
C. He refused to ask for directions.

12. What is the human race’s single greatest achievement?

A. Democracy.
B. Religion.
C. Remote control.

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How to Score: Give yourself one point for every time you picked
answer “C.” A real guy would score at least 10 on this test. In
fact, a real guy would score at least 15, because he would get
the special five-point bonus for knowing the joke about the guy
who has Alzheimer’s disease and cancer.

10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.

9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.

8. See if they could finally do the splits.

7. See if it’s truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.

6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.

5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes…BEFORE closing time.

4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.

3. Go to the gynaecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.

2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too…

1. Finally find that damned G-spot.

De 5 spørgsmål mænd frygter mest er:

Spørgsmål 1: “Hvad tænker du på?”

Den korrekte måde at besvare dette spørgsmål på, ville selvfølgelig være: “Undskyld hvis jeg har været lidt eftertænksom skat. Jeg sad blot og tænkte over hvilken varm, vidunderlig, betænksom, omsorgsfuld og intelligent kvinde du er, og hvor heldig jeg er for at have mødt dig.”

Denne besvarelse tåler naturligvis ingen sammenligning med det sande svar, som højst sandsynligt vil være et af følgende:

a. Fodbold.
b. Biler.
c. Hvor tyk du er.
d. Hvor meget smukkere hun er end dig.
e. Hvordan jeg ville bruge forsikringssummen hvis du døde.

Det bedste svar på spørgsmålet er måske nok det som Al Bundy engang sagde til Peg: “Hvis jeg syntes du skulle vide hvad jeg tænkte på, så havde jeg talt til dig!”

Spørgsmål 2: “Elsker du mig?”

Det bedste svar er: “JA!” eller, hvis du føler et mere uddybende svar vil være på sin plads, “Ja, skat.” Upassende svar ville f.eks. være:

a. Ville det gøre dig glad hvis jeg sagde ja?
b. Det kommer an på hvad du mener med “elsker”.
c. Betyder det noget?
d. Hvem, mig?

Spørgsmål 3: “Ser jeg tyk ud?”

Det korrekte svar er et eftertrykkeligt: “Selvfølgelig ikke!”
Blandt de forkerte svare er:

a. Sammenlignet med hvad?
b. Jeg ville ikke kalde dig tyk, men du er heller ikke ligefrem tynd.
c. Lidt ekstra vægt klær’ dig.
d. Jeg har set det der var tykkere.
e. Kan du gentage spørgsmålet? Jeg sad lige og tænkte over hvordan jeg ville
bruge forsikringssummen hvis du døde.

Spørgsmål 4: “Synes du at hun er pænere end mig?”

Endnu engang vil det korrekte svar være et eftertrykkeligt: “Selvfølgelig ikke!”
Forkerte svar kunne f.eks. være:

a. Ja, men du har en bedre personlighed.
b. Ikke pænere, men absolut tyndere.
c. Ikke så pæn som du var, da du var lige så ung.
d. Definér pæn.
e. Kan du gentage spørgsmålet? Jeg sad lige og tænkte over hvordan jeg ville
bruge forsikringssummen hvis du døde.

Spørgsmål 5: “Hvad ville du gøre hvis jeg døde?”

Et spørgsmål der simpelthen ikke findes et korrekt svar til. Det sande svar ville selvfølgelig være, “Købe en sportsvogn og en båd”.

Uanset hvordan du besvarer dette spørgsmål, så vær forberedt på mindst en times opfølgende spørgsmål, der som regel går i retning af det følgende:

KVINDE: Ville du gifte dig igen?
MAND: Absolut ikke!
KVINDE: Hvorfor ikke – kan du ikke lide at være gift?
MAND: Selvfølgelig kan jeg det.
KVINDE: Hvorfor ville du så ikke gifte dig igen?
MAND: Okay, så ville jeg nok gifte mig igen.
KVINDE: Ville du? (med et såret udtryk i ansigtet)
MAND: (sukker højlydt)
KVINDE: Ville du sove med hende i vores seng?
MAND: Hvor skulle vi ellers sove?
KVINDE: Ville du erstatte billederne af mig, med billeder af hende?
MAND: Det ville jo nok være det mest passende at gøre.
KVINDE: Og ville du lade hende bruge mine golfkøller?
MAND: Dem kan hun ikke bruge; hun er venstrehåndet.
KVINDE: . . . . stilhed . . . .
MAND: Dooohh!

1. Agurker er hårde i helt op til en uge.

2. Agurker er nemme at finde.

3. Du kan føle på en agurk i et supermarked og finde ud af hvordan den er inden du tager den med hjem.

4. Med en agurk skal du kun betale for et enkeltværelse. Og du behøver ikke at indskrive dig i gæstebogen som Fru Agurk.

5. En agurk vil altid respektere dig morgenen efter.

6. En agurk vil ikke have dig med til en John Wayne Film Festival.

7. En agurk er ligeglad med om du er jomfru eller ej.

8. En agurk er ligeglad med hvad tid på måneden det er.

9. En agurk er ikke alergisk overfor din kat.

10. En agurk vil ikke have dig til at tage frækt lædertøj på og gå i seng med støvler på.

11. Du kan have lige så mange agurker som du vil.

12. En agurk vil ikke lave en scene hvis der er en anden agurk i køleskabet.

13. En agurk vil aldrig forlade dig for en anden agurk.

14. En agurk forventer aldrig at i får små agurker sammen.

15. Det er nemt at slippe af med en agurk.