Fyret fra pc support
Dette skulle være en virkelig historie om en ansat i et firma, der solgte tekstbehandlings programmer.
Vedkommende blev fyret efter at have forsøgt at hjælpe en kunde. Alle supportopkald blev båndet.
Dette er en udskrift af båndet, der fik ham fyret
“Microsoft support linien, kan jeg hjælpe?”
“Ja jeg var ved at skrive et brev da alle ordene pludselig forsvandt.”
“Forsvandt.”
“Ja de blev blev bare helt væk!”
“Hmm. Hvordan ser det ud på din skærm?”
“Ingenting.”
“Ingenting?”
“Den er bare helt blank og vil ikke acceptere noget af det jeg taster.”
“Er du stadig i Word eller gik du ud programmet?”
“Hvordan kan jeg se det?”
“Kan du se cursoren eller kan du se skrivebordet?”
“selvfølgelig kan jeg se mit skrivebord men hvad er en kør-så?”
“Lige meget, kan du flytte cursoren rundt på skærmen?”
“Der er ikke nogen kørs-så. som jeg sagde før, vil den slet ikke acceptere noget af det jeg taster.”
“Har din monitor en lysdiode tændt?”
“Hvad er en monitor?”
“Det er den ting på dit skrivebord, der ligner et TV: skærmen. Har den et lille lys, der viser om den er tændt?”
“Det ved jeg ikke?”
“Ok kig bag på skærmen, og se, hvor strømledningen går ind kan du se den?”
“Ja det tror jeg nok!”
“Fint. Følg nu ledningen, og fortæl mig så, og ledningerne er sat i stikket i væggen, og om kontakten er tændt.”
“Yeps, ledning i kontakten er tændt.”
“Da du kiggede bag skærmmen, så du så, om der var to ledninger tilsluttet bag på og ikke bare en?”
“Nej”
“Jamen der skal være to, så kig lige igen, og find det andet kabel.”
“Okay, her er det.”
“Følg kablet og fortæl mig, om det sidder rigtigt inde i bagsiden af din computer.”
“Jeg kan ikke nå derom.”
“Hmm, men kan du ikke SE, om det sidder inde i computeren?”
“Nej.”
“Hvad nu hvis du lægger knæet på bordet og læner dig ud over kandten?”
“Nåå nej der er fordi, jeg ikke sidder i den rigtige vinkel og fordi det er lidt mørkt.”
“Mørkt?”
“Ja lyset er slukket på kontoret. Det eneste lys, jeg har er fra vinduet.”
“Jamen, hvad så med at tænde lyset.”
“Nej. Det kan jeg ikke.”
“Nej hvorfor? hvorfor ikke?”
“Fordi her er et strømsvigt.”
“Et…et…et…strømsvigt? AHA, så tror jeg at jeg ved lige, hvad vi skal gøre nu. Har du stadig kassen som computeren blev leveret i?”
“Øh ja. Jeg har kassen henne i skabet.”
“Godt. Hent kassen, tag ledningerne ud, og pak computeren ned, som den var da du fik leveret så afleverer du den tilbage til butikken, du købte den fra.”
“Virkeligt? er det så slemt?”
“Ja det er jeg bange for, at det er.”
“Nå, men hvad skal jeg så sige til dem?”
“Fortæl dem at du simpelhent er alt for dum til at eje en computer.”

1. Lige så snart du tror du har fundet den rigtige, udkommer der en ny og bedre.
2. Kun opfinderen af den forstår dens interne logik.
3. Den går i baglås og er fuldstændig umulig lige så snart, du laver den mindste fejl.
4. Beskeden “Bad command or filename” er lige så informativ som:
– “Hvis du ikke allerede er klar over, hvorfor jeg er sur på dig, så vil jeg heller ikke fortælle dig det.”
5. Lige så snart du har bundet dig til en, bruger du halvdelen af din løn til udstyr til den.
6. Sproget mellem 2 computere er uforståeligt for alle andre

Computere må være hunkønsvæsener:
– Man bliver nødt til at tænde dem for at få deres opmærksomhed.
– De indeholder en masse data, som de ikke selv forstår.
– Det er meningen, at de skal hjælpe dig med dine problemer,
men meget af tiden er de problemet. Så snart du har anskaffet dig en,
indser du, at hvis du havde ventet lidt længere,
kunne du have fået en bedre model.

En arbejdsløs fyr søgte et rengøringsjob hos Microsoft.
Chefen inviterer ham til samtale og en egnethedstest (som gulvvasker).
Efter samtalen siger chefen til den arbejdsløse:
“Du er ansat; giv mig din e-mail adresse så sender jeg dig nogle formularer,
som du skal udfylde samt tid og sted for hvornår du begynder den første dag”.
Den arbejdsløse svarer ganske fortvivlet, at han ikke har nogen computer
og derfor heller ingen e-mail adresse.
Chefen meddeler ham, at har han ingen e-mail så eksisterer han slet ikke virtuelt
og kan således heller ikke blive ansat hos Microsoft.
Dybt fortvivlet går den arbejdsløse hjem.
Han ved ikke hvad han skal gøre og har kun 10$ i lommen.
Han beslutter sig for at købe en kasse med 10 kg tomater i det nærliggende supermarked.
På mindre end 2 timer har han solgt alle tomaterne for det dobbelte af det, som han betalte for dem.
Dette gentager sig endnu et par gange og han tager hjem med 80$ på lommen.
Således realiserede han, at han også på denne vis kunne skaffe sig til livets fornødenheder.
Hver dag stod han tidligt op og kom sent hjem og han mangedoblede sine penge hver dag.
Et stykke tid senere købte han sig en kærre… byttede den til en varevogn og snart,
snart havde han en hel vognpark af lastbiler.
Efter få år ejede han den største grossistvirksomhed indenfor frugt og grønt i Amerika.
Efter således at være nået så langt, begynder han at tænke på sin families fremtid
og beslutter sig for at tegne en livsforsikring.
Han ringer til en forsikringsagent og vælger en forsikringstype.
Da samtalen er slut spørger agenten efter hans e-mail adresse således, at han kan sende policen.
Manden svarer, at han ikke har nogen e-mail.
Hvortil agenten forundret siger: “Underligt, De har ingen e-mail adresse og har alligevel præsteret,
at opbygge så stort et imperium. Tænk, hvad De kunne have udrettet hvis De havde haft e-mail”.
Manden tænkte lidt og svarede så: “Jeg kunne være blevet gulvvasker hos Microsoft

En mand kommer flyvende i en varmluftballon og indser, at han er faret vild.
Han flyver nærmere jorden og opdager en mand nede på jorden.
Han sænker ballonen yderligere og råber: “Undskyld mig, kan du fortælle mig, hvor jeg er?”
Manden på jorden svarer: “Du svæver i en varmluftballon ca. 10 meter over jorden”.
“Du må arbejde med informations teknologi”, svarer manden i ballonen.
“Det gør jeg”, svarer manden, “hvordan kunne du vide det?”
“Thjaa”, sagde manden i ballonen, “alt hvad du fortalte mig, er teknisk set korrekt,

men det kan alligevel ikke bruges til noget som helst”.
Manden på jorden siger: “Du må være en ledende medarbejder i et større firma”.
“Det er jeg”, svarer manden i ballonen, “hvordan kunne du vide det?”
“Thjaa”, siger manden, “du ved ikke hvor du er eller hvor du skal hen, men du forventer, at jeg kan hjælpe.

Du er i samme situation som før vi mødtes, men nu er det pludselig min skyld”.

A female computer consultant was helping a smug male set up his computer and she asked him what word he would like to use as a password to log in with.

Wanting to embarrass the female he told her to enter “PENIS”. Without blinking
or saying a word she entered the password. She almost died laughing at the computer’s response :

PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH.

In Japan, they have replaced the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft error messages with Haiku poetry messages. Haiku poetry has strict construction rules – each poem has only 17 syllables; 5 syllables in the first, 7 in the second, 5 in the third. They are used to communicate a timeless message, often achieving a wistful, yearning and powerful insight through extreme brevity.

Here are some actual error messages from Japan. Aren’t these better than “Your computer has performed an illegal operation”?

Your file was so big.
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

The Web site you seek
Cannot be located, but
Countless more exist.
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

Program aborting:
Close all that you have worked on.
You ask far too much.
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

Yesterday it worked.
Today it is not working.
Windows is like that.
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

First snow, then silence.
This thousand-dollar screen dies
So beautifully.
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

With searching comes loss
And the presence of absence:
“My Novel” not found.
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

The Tao that is seen
Is not the true Tao until
You bring fresh toner.
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

Stay the patient course.
Of little worth is your ire.
The network is down.
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

A crash reduces
Your expensive computer
To a simple stone.
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

Three things are certain:
Death, taxes and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.
– – – – – – – – – – – – – –

You step in the stream,
But the water has moved on.
This page is not here.
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

Having been erased,
The document you’re seeking
Must now be retyped.
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank

1) My dog ate my motherboard.

2) My cat got kitty-liter in my floppy drives.

3) My modem is on vacation.

4) My offline mail reader got a flat and I had to read my messages online (shudder…).

5) My hard drive went into a spin dry cycle.

6) My CPU’s ROM got RAMmed by some stray cosmic rays.

7) The vendor put out a general recall for all machines produced prior to 1906.

8) My computer ran away with a sales rep from GENIE.

9) Someone set my laser printer on “stun”.

10) I poured milk on my serial ports and all my bits got soggy.

11) My backups weren’t done because the FAT table wouldn’t sing.

12) I ran out of food for the hamsters in my power supply

13) My UPS went OOPS!

14) The chocolate chips in my memory card all melted.

15) I plugged my modem into my printer port and now it is diagonally parked in a parallel universe!

16) My modem got depressed, not the blues really…just a purple Hayes.

17) I left a copy of “Iron Man” on my system and my modem left home to study the manly UARTs.

18) I was arrested for stealing taglines

19) I was booked for plagiarizing taglines

20) My printer mysteriously changed to Chinese typefonts

21) My wife cleaned my keyboard in the dishwasher

22) My kids used all my diskettes as frisbees

23) The kids in the neighborhood think diskettes are a new form of baseball card and started trading them.

24) Cliff Stole asked me to help him track some hackers in East Somalia.

25) My computer is laid up with a slipped disk

26) A lightening bolt partitioned my hard drive

27) My computer came down with a virus and the Doctor told me to take two memory chips and pay him in the morning

28) I put in a Sound Blaster card backwards and blew a hole in my motherboard.

29) My operating system, Ms. Dos, got pregnant. Seems she went to see Dr. Dos who informed her UNIX wasn’t a eunuch.

30) My BIOS went ADIOS!

31) My hard disk went floppy (sounds like a personal problem…)

32) My C.P.U. said C.U.L8ER.

33) I can’t figure out how to use Windows since my cat ate my mouse.

34) My V.32bis modem broke and my communication program is rejecting my 300 baud modem as “too slow”.

35) I’m still studying the DSZ docs for the big test next week

36) I’m waiting to replace the broken glass in my Windows

37) My machine got flooded by a .WAV file

38) I forgot how to program the PFkeys on my keyboard

39) My belfry got overloaded with .BAT files

40) My favorite BBS turned me in as a notorious hacker

41) Haven’t had the time since I became a consultant

42) I loss teh diktionari for my spel chequre

43) My modem starting giving ME the -bis!

44) I discovered a fungus had replaced my CMOS!

45a) I accidently zipped up PKUNZIP

45b) I couldn’t unzip PKUNZIP.ZIP

46) My modem is complaining of carpal tunnel from all the handshaking

47) I’m too busy studying for the elections

48) I can’t talk anymore since I lost my .VOC files.

49) My Twit filter twitted me!

50) My Zmodem decided to catch some Z’s.

51) My computer’s attachment cards asked for a divorce!

52) My memory filed for BANKruptcy.

53) My brain ran out of expansion slots

54) My memory overextended itself

55) My Stackered drive just doesn’t have the zip it used to

56) I’m waiting for replacements for my Broken Windows

57) I got a Tagline Parity Error at segment C000:0000

58) I’m too busy trying to catch the Ether Bunny

59) Too depressed about the political situation to reply to the candidates

60) I lapsed into a state of virtual confusion

61) Still waiting for voting-by-modem.

62) I have no time since joining a Karaoke tagline band

63) I had tried to contain myself, but I escaped

64) Lawyers representing the Meek contacted me about my inheritance.

65a) My wife found out I’d been faking uploads all this time

65b) My users found out I’d been faking uploads all this time

65c) My sysop found out I’d been faking uploads all this time

66) I just can’t seem to respond to mail during daylight hours

67) Bonny Anthony decided I was no friend of RIME

68) I was beamed back to my home planet for an urgent meeting

69) I got beat by Quayle at a spelling bee

70) E-mailing is like work; talk about the QWK and dead!

71) I gave it all up to become a happy face

72) I got caught using Elvis stamps on my E-mail

73) They dropped my favorite conferences due to a lack of interest

74) I got caught in an infinite loop trying to think of something

75) I was arrested for trying to take a Byte out of RIME

76) My ROBO message generator ran out of random numbers

77) I’m too busy attending electronic town meetings

78) I’m trying to lose wait

79) I was arbitrarily and capriciously locked out by the sysop!

80) I’m too busy with my BBS addicts support group

81) My tagline file was confiscated by the Secret Service

82) Rush Limbaugh convinced me E-mail was a liberal fax-and-spend plot

83) POSTLINK postdated all my mail so nobody would see it

84) I’m still waiting for the double thermal-pane version of Windows

85) No one finds my mine fields humorous

86) The Mental Hospital had me out on loan.

87) I’ve been looking for a parking space at “the Dome”.

88) I’ve been too busy tearing Wallace stickers off the bumpers of cars and voting for George McGovern for President.

89) I’ve been busy looking for my picture on milk cartons.

90) I’ve been rewinding my system clock.

91) Someone did a QWK shuffle on my E-Mail punch card deck.

92) I dropped my old Hayes modem on my foot…talk about “mega-hurts”.

93) I got behind in my E-Mail and found RIME waits for no man.

94) My modem has these “hang-ups” about my seeing other modems at work.

95) I was arrested for stripping high order bits in public.

96) I’ve been retrofitting my car with a smaller steering wheel for my mouse driver.

97) Do you know how hard it is to find electronic thumbtacks to post E-Mail on an electronic bulletin board?

98) Do you know how easy it is to get shocked licking electronic stamps for electronic mail?

99) I smashed my modem with an AUTOEXEC.BAT!

100) I’m broke this week and just can’t IO without silver.

101) Isn’t it National E-Mail Apathy month?

102) I’ve been busy in the chemistry department trying to make Ethyl Palpitate.

103) I’ve been trying to decide “Where is Joe Merchant?”. (Hint: check the bookshelves under Buffett, Jimmy)

104) I lost the special tinted glasses that came with my RoseReader.

105) CAM-MAIL gave me the shaft

106) I discovered QModem is not part of the Continuum

107) My wife accused me of having Dual Standards

1. Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream “Oh my God! They’ve found me!” and bolt.
2. Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.
3. When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty that you can’t get the damn thing to work. After he/she’s turned it on, wait 5 minutes,turn it off again, & repeat the process for a good half hour.
4. Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evily.
5. Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to a different screen than the one it’s set up with.
6. Write a program that plays the “Smurfs” theme song and play it at the highest volume possible over & over again.
7. Work normally for a while. Suddenly look amazingly startled by something on the screen and crawl underneath the desk.
8. Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret Pentagon files.
9. Use Interactive Send to make passes at people you don’t know.
10. Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn it on.
11. Bring a chainsaw, but don’t use it. If anyone asks why you have it, say “Just in case…” mysteriously.
12. Type on VAX for a while. Suddenly start cursing for 3 minutes at everything bad about your life. Then stop and continue typing.
13. Enter the lab, undress, and start staring at other people as if they’re crazy while typing.
14. Light candles in a pentagram around your terminal before starting.
15. Ask around for a spare disk. Offer $2. Keep asking until someone agrees. Then, pull a disk out of your fly and say, “Oops, I forgot.”
16. Every time you press Return and there is processing time required, pray “Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease,” and scream “YES!” when it finishes.
17. “DISK FIGHT!!!”
18. Start making out with the person at the terminal next to you (It helps if you know them, but this is also a great way to make new friends).
19. Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets. Type by hitting the keys with the straw.
20. If you’re sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” whenever there is processing time required.
21. Draw a pictue of a woman (or man) on a piece of paper, tape it to your monitor. Try to seduce it. Act like it hates you and then complain loudly that women (men) are worthless.
22. Try to stick a Ninetendo cartridge into the 3 1/2 disk drive. When it doesn’t work, get the supervisor.
23. When you are on an IBM, and when you turn it on, ask loudly where the smiling Apple face is.
24. Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then when its all done (two days later) say that all you wanted was one line.
25. Sit and stare at the screen, biting your nails noisily. After doing this for a while, spit them out at the feet of the person next to you.
26. Stare at the screen, grind your teeth, stop, look at the person next to you, grinding. Repeat procedure, making sure you never provoke the person enough to let them blow up, as this releases tension, and it is far more effective to let them linger.
27. If you have long hair, take a typing break, look for split ends, cut them and deposit them on your neighbor’s keyboard as you leave.
28. Put a large, gold-framed portrait of the British Royal Family on your desk and loudly proclaim that it inspires you.
29. Come to the lab wearing several layers of socks. Remove shoes and place them of top of the monitor. Remove socks layer by layer and drape them around the monitor. Exclaim sudden haiku about the aesthetic beauty of cotton on plastic.
30. Take the keyboard and sit under the computer. Type up your paper like this. Then go to the lab supervisor and complain about the bad working conditions.
31. Laugh hysterically, shout “You will all perish in flames!!!” and continue working.
32. Bring some dry ice & make it look like your computer is smoking.
33. Assign a musical note to every key (ie. the Delete key is A Flat, the B key is F sharp, etc.). Whenever you hit a key, hum its note loudly. Write an entire paper this way.
34. Attempt to eat your computer’s mouse.
35. Borrow someone else’s keyboard by reaching over, saying “Excuse me, mind if I borrow this for a sec?”, unplugging the keyboard & taking it.
36. Bring in a bunch of magnets and have fun.
37. When doing calculations, pull out an abacus and say that sometimes the old ways are best.
38. Play Pong for hours on the most powerful computer in the lab.
39. Make a loud noise of hitting the same key over and over again until you see that your neighbor is noticing (You can hit the space bar so your fill isn’t affected). Then look at your neighbor’s keyboard. Hit his/her delete key several times, erasing an entire word. While you do this, ask: “Does *your* delete key work?” Shake your head, and resume hitting the space bar on your keyboard. Keep doing this until you’ve deleted about a page of your neighbor’s document. Then, suddenly exclaim: “Well, whaddya know? I’ve been hitting the space bar this whole time. No wonder it wasn’t deleting! Ha!” Print out your document and leave.
40. Remove your disk from the drive and hide it. Go to the lab monitor and complain that your computer ate your disk. (For special effects, put some Elmer’s Glue on or around the disk drive. Claim that the computer is drooling.)
41. Stare at the person’s next to your’s screen, look really puzzled, burst out laughing, and say “You did that?” loudly. Keep laughing, grab your stuff and leave, howling as you go.
42. Point at the screen. Chant in a made up language while making elaborate hand gestures for a minute or two. Press return or the mouse, then leap back and yell “COVEEEEERRRRRR!” peek up from under the table, walk back to the computer and say. “Oh, good. It worked this time,” and calmly start to type again.
43. Keep looking at invisible bugs and trying to swat them.
44. See who’s online. Send a total stranger a talk request. Talk to them like you’ve known them all your lives. Hangup before they get a chance to figure out you’re a total stranger.
45. Bring an small tape player with a tape of really absurd sound effects. Pretend it’s the computer and look really lost.
46. Pull out a pencil. Start writing on the screen. Complain that the lead doesn’t work.
47. Come into the computer lab wearing several endangered species of flowers in your hair. Smile incessantly. Type a sentence, then laugh happily, exclaim “You’re such a marvel!!”, and kiss the screen. Repeat this after every sentence. As your ecstasy mounts, also hug the keyboard. Finally, hug your neighbor, then the computer assistant, and walk out.
48. Run into the computer lab, shout “Armageddon is here!!!!!”, then calmly sit down and begin to type.
49. Quietly walk into the computer lab with a Black and Decker chainsaw, rev that baby up, and then walk up to the nearest person and say, “Give me that computer or you’ll be feeding my pet crocodile for the next week”.
50. Two words: Tesla Coil.