En kemiingeniør, en elektronikingeniør og en Microsoft-ingeniør kom kørende i en bil.
Pludselig går bilen i stå.
Kemi-ingeniørren.: Der må være noget galt med benzinen – vi skal have checket blandingen!
Elektronikingeniøren.: Nej, nej. Det er motoren. Lad os nu skille motoren ad og finde fejlen!
Microsoft-ingeniøren.: I tager helt fejl. Nu lukker vi alle vinduer, går ud af bilen og går ind igen – så virker den!

En kemiingeniør, en elektronikingeniør og en Microsoft-ingeniør kom kørende i en bil.
Pludselig går bilen i stå.
Kemi-ingeniørren.: Der må være noget galt med benzinen – vi skal have checket blandingen!
Elektronikingeniøren.: Nej, nej. Det er motoren. Lad os nu skille motoren ad og finde fejlen!
Microsoft-ingeniøren.: I tager helt fejl. Nu lukker vi alle vinduer, går ud af bilen og går ind igen – så virker den!

People who work in the fields of science and technology are not like other people. This can be frustrating to the nontechnical people who have to deal with them. The secret to coping with technology-oriented people is to understand their motivations. This chapter will teach you everything you need to know. I learned their customs and mannerisms by observing them, much the way Jane Goodall learned about the great apes, but without the hassle of grooming.

Engineering is so trendy these days that everybody wants to be one. The word “engineer” is greatly overused. If there’s somebody in your life who you think is trying to pass as an engineer, give him this test to discern the truth.

Engineer Identification Test

You walk into a room and notice that a picture is hanging crooked.
You…

Straighten it.
Ignore it.
Buy a CAD system and spend the next six months designing a solar-powered, self-adjusting picture frame while often stating aloud your belief that the inventor of the nail was a total moron.

The correct answer is “C” but partial credit can be given to anybody who writes “It depends” in the margin of the test or simply blames the whole stupid thing on “Marketing.”

Social Skills Engineers have different objectives when it comes to social interaction.

“Normal” people expect to accomplish several unrealistic things from social interaction:

Stimulating and thought-provoking conversation
Important social contacts
A feeling of connectedness with other humans

In contrast to “normal” people, engineers have rational objectives for social interactions:

Get it over with as soon as possible.
Avoid getting invited to something unpleasant.
Demonstrate mental superiority and mastery of all subjects.

Fascination With Gadgets

To the engineer, all matter in the universe can be placed into one of two categories: (1) things that need to be fixed, and (2) things that will need to be fixed after you’ve had a few minutes to play with them. Engineers like to solve problems. If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own problems. Normal people don’t understand this concept; they believe that if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain’t broke, it doesn’t have enough features yet.

No engineer looks at a television remote control without wondering what it would take to turn it into a stun gun. No engineer can take a shower without wondering if some sort of Teflon coating would make showering unnecessary. To the engineer, the world is a toy box full of sub-optimized and feature-poor toys.

Fashion And Appearance

Clothes are the lowest priority for an engineer, assuming the basic thresholds for temperature and decency have been satisfied. If no appendages are freezing or sticking together, and if no genitalia or mammary glands are swinging around in plain view, then the objective of clothing has been met. Anything else is a waste.

Love Of “Star Trek”

Engineers love all of the “Star Trek” television shows and movies. It’s a small wonder, since the engineers on the starship Enterprise are portrayed as heroes, occasionally even having sex with aliens. This is much more glamorous than the real life of an engineer, which consists of hiding from the universe and having sex without the participation of other life forms.

Dating And Social Life

Dating is never easy for engineers. A normal person will employ various indirect and duplicitous methods to create a false impression of attractiveness. Engineers are incapable of placing appearance above function.

Fortunately, engineers have an ace in the hole. They are widely recognized as superior marriage material: intelligent, dependable, employed, honest, and handy around the house. While it’s true that many normal people would prefer not to date an engineer, most normal people harbor an intense desire to mate with them, thus producing engineer-like children who will have high-paying jobs long before losing their virginity.

Male engineers reach their peak of sexual attractiveness later than normal men, becoming irresistible erotic dynamos in their mid thirties to late forties. Just look at these examples of sexually irresistible men in technical professions:

Bill Gates.
MacGyver.
Etcetera.

Female engineers become irresistible at the age of consent and remain that way until about thirty minutes after their clinical death. Longer if it’s a warm day.

Honesty

Engineers are always honest in matters of technology and human relationships. That’s why it’s a good idea to keep engineers away from customers, romantic interests, and other people who can’t handle the truth.

Engineers sometimes bend the truth to avoid work. They say things that sound like lies but technically are not because nobody could be expected to believe them. The complete list of engineer lies is listed below.

“I won’t change anything without asking you first.”
“I’ll return your hard-to-find cable tomorrow.”
“I have to have new equipment to do my job.”
“I’m not jealous of your new computer.”

Frugality

Engineers are notoriously frugal. This is not because of cheapness or mean spirit; it is simply because every spending situation is simply a problem in optimization, that is, “How can I escape this situation while retaining the greatest amount of cash?”

Powers Of Concentration

If there is one trait that best defines an engineer it is the ability to concentrate on one subject to the complete exclusion of everything else in the environment. This sometimes causes engineers to be pronounced dead prematurely. Some funeral homes in high-tech areas have started checking resumes before processing the bodies. Anybody with a degree in electrical engineering or experience in computer programming is propped up in the lounge for a few days just to see if he or she snaps out of it.

Risk

Engineers hate risk. They try to eliminate it whenever they can. This is understandable, given that when an engineer makes one little mistake, the media will treat it like it’s a big deal or something.

Examples Of Bad Press For Engineers

Hindenberg.
Space Shuttle Challenger.
SPANet(tm)
Hubble space telescope.
Apollo 13.
Titanic.
Ford Pinto.
Corvair.

The risk/reward calculation for engineers looks something like this:

RISK: Public humiliation and the death of thousands of innocent people.
REWARD: A certificate of appreciation in a handsome plastic frame.

Being practical people, engineers evaluate this balance of risks and rewards and decide that risk is not a good thing. The best way to avoid risk is by advising that any activity is technically impossible for reasons that are far too complicated to explain.

If that approach is not sufficient to halt a project, then the engineer will fall back to a second line of defense: “It’s technically possible but it will cost too much.”

Ego

Ego-wise, two things are important to engineers:

How smart they are.
How many cool devices they own.

The fastest way to get an engineer to solve a problem is to declare that the problem is unsolvable. No engineer can walk away from an unsolvable problem until it’s solved. No illness or distraction is sufficient to get the engineer off the case. These types of challenges quickly become personal — a battle between the engineer and the laws of nature.

Engineers will go without food and hygiene for days to solve a problem. (Other times just because they forgot.) And when they succeed in solving the problem they will experience an ego rush that is better than sex–and I’m including the kind of sex where other people are involved.

Nothing is more threatening to the engineer than the suggestion that somebody has more technical skill. Normal people sometimes use that knowledge as a lever to extract more work from the engineer. When an engineer says that something can’t be done (a code phrase that means it’s not fun to do), some clever normal people have learned to glance at the engineer with a look of compassion and pity and say something along these lines: “I’ll ask Bob to figure it out. He knows how to solve difficult technical problems.”

At that point it is a good idea for the normal person to not stand between the engineer and the problem. The engineer will set upon the problem like a starved Chihuahua on a pork chop.

There are at least 10 types of capacitors.

Theory tells you how a circuit works, not why it does not work.

Not everything works according to the specs in the databook.

Anything practical you learn will be obsolete before you use it, except the complex math, which you will never use.

Always try to fix the hardware with software.

Engineering is like having an 8 a.m. class and a late afternoon lab every day for the rest of your life.

Overtime pay? What overtime pay?

Forget an engineering career, just try to keep a job.

Managers, not engineers, rule the world.

If you like junk food, caffeine and all-nighters, go into software.

Dilbert is a documentary.

You may be an engineer . . .

If you introduce your wife as “mylady@home.wife” or husband as “myman@tv.hubby”
If your spouse sends you an e-mail instead of calling you to dinner.
If you want an 64X CD-ROM for Christmas.
If Dilbert is your hero.
If you can name six Star Trek episodes.
If the only jokes you receive are through e-mail.
If your wristwatch has more computing power than a Pentium.
If you look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids’ toys.
If you use a CAD package to design your child’s Pine Wood Derby car.
If you have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than hanging coats and taping ducts.
If, at Christmas, it goes without saying that you will be the one to find the burnt-out bulb in the string.
If you window-shop at Radio Shack.
If your ideal evening consists of fast-forwarding through the latest sci-fi movie looking for technical inaccuracies.
If you have Dilbert comics displayed anywhere in your work area.
If you carry on a one-hour debate over the expected results of a test that actually takes five minutes to run.
If you are convinced you can build a phaser out of your garage-door opener and your camera’s flash attachment.
If you don’t even know where the cover to your personal computer is.
If you have modified your can opener to be microprocessor-driven.
If you know the direction the water swirls when you flush.
If you have ever taken the back off of your TV just to see what’s inside.
If a team of you and your co-workers has set out to modify the antenna of the radio in your work area for better reception.
If you ever burned down the gymnasium with your Science Fair project.
If you own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts.
If you have never backed up your hard drive.
If you have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance.
If you have ever purchased an electronic appliance “as is.”
If you see a good design and still have to change it.
If the salespeople at Circuit City can’t answer any of your questions.
If the thought that a CD could refer to finance or music never enters your mind.
If you own a set of itty-bitty screw drivers but you don’t remember where they are.
If you rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires.
If you have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal.
If you have more toys than your kids.
If you have introduced your kids by the wrong name.
If you have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work.
If your IQ is bigger than your weight.
If the microphone or visual aids at a meeting don’t work and you rush up to the front to fix them.
If you can remember seven computer passwords but not your anniversary.
If you have memorized the program schedule for the Discovery channel and have seen most of the shows already.
If you have ever owned a calculator with no equal key and know what RPN stands for.
If your father sat 2 inches in front of your family’s first color TV with a magnifying lens to see how they made the colors, and you grew up thinking that was normal.
If you know how to take the cover off of your computer and what size screw driver to use.
If you can type 70 words a minute but can’t read your own handwriting.
If people groan at the party when you pick out the music.
If you did the sound system for your senior prom.
If your wristwatch has more buttons than a telephone.
If you have more friends on the Internet than in real life.
If you thought the real heroes of “Apollo 13” were the mission controllers.
If you spend more on your home or laptop computer than your car.
If you know what http:// stands for.
If you know C.
If you’ve ever tried to repair a $5 radio.
If your three-year-old child asks why the sky is blue and you try to explain atmospheric absorption theory.
If your four basic food groups are: l. caffeine; 2. fat; 3. sugar; 4.chocolate.
If you can understand sentences with four or more acronyms in them.
If you have automated everything in your house, but none of it meets the National Electrical Code.
If you have ever tried to network your home PC, microwave oven and garage-door opener.
If your spouse keeps tripping over the wire you strung — temporarily — three years ago.
If, at a traffic intersection, you try to figure out the synchronization pattern between your car’s blinkers or wipers and the others’.
If you can name all the cards in your PC without looking.
If you can cite the latest Intel or Motorola microprocessor generation number such as 80686 or 68060, but can’t remember your spouse’s birthday.
If you are better with a Karnaugh map than you are with a street map.
If you have at least one historical computer in your closet.
If you take along a printout of the schedule of your family vacation.
If you always have to explain things by drawing it out on paper or a napkin.
If your computer is down, you don’t know what date is it today and miss all meetings too.
If you read through this list completely … and try to convince yourself not to agree with at least one of them.

Top Ten Reasons To Date An Engineer:

10.The World Does Revolve Around Us…We Pick The Coordinate System.

9.Find Out What Those Other Buttons On Your Calculator Do

8.We Know How To Handle Stress And Strain In Our Relationships

7.Parents Will Approve

6.Help With Your Math Homework

5.Can Calculate Head Pressure

4.Looks Good On A Resume’

3.Free Body Diagrams

2.High Starting Salary

1.Extremely Good Looking

Top Ten Reasons NOT To Date An Engineer:

10.T-shirt and jean are their formal dress. Hot dog and a 6-pack is their seven course meal.

9.The only social life known of is to post and talk on the net.

8.Flames like a monster and speaks like a pussy cat.

7.Works from 6:30am to 7:30pm, daily. No morning kisses and no evening walks.

6.No matter how hard you cry and how loud you yell, he just sits there calmly discussing your emotion in terms of mathematical logic.

5.Listens to classic rock only. Hates everything from Bach to Prince.

4.Touches his car more than you.

3. Talks in acronym.

2.Can’t leave that damn pencil off his ear for a minute.

1.Will file a divorce if you call him in the middle of debugging.