Proposed new warnings for U.S. cigarette packs:

* Medical studies have proven you can still live with only one lung.

* Most forms of cancer are treatable at least for a while.

* This is only one of hundreds of products that are slowly killing you.

* Smoking does not affect the fetuses of women who aren’t pregnant.

* Refusing to inhale drastically reduces risk of lung cancer.

* Go ahead and drive or operate heavy machinery. It’s perfectly fine.

* Secondhand smoke only affects those who might breath it.

* Cigarettes don’t kill, matches do.

* Nicotine is not addictive because you know you could quit if you really wanted to.

* There have been no medical tests to conclusively prove smoking is a teeth-staining, smelly, pukey habit. And we’re not all that ready to concede the tumor-causing part either.

Bank robber John Dillinger played professional baseball.
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If you toss a penny 10000 times, it will not be heads 5000 times, but more like 4950. The heads picture weighs more, so it ends up on the bottom.
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The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher.
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The housefly hums in the middle octave, key of F.
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A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.
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If your eyes are six feet above the surface of the ocean, the horizon will be about three statute miles away.
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The longest word in the English language, according to the Oxford English Dictionary, is pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis. The only other word with the same amount of letters is pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconioses, its plural.
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Hydroxydesoxycorticosterone and hydroxydeoxycorticosterones are the largest anagrams.
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Los Angeles’s full name is “El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula.”
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Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.
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An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.
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Mel Blanc (the voice of Bugs Bunny) was allergic to carrots.
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The band Duran Duran got their name from an astronaut in the 1968 Jane Fonda movie “Barbarella.
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Cleo and Caesar were the early stage names of Cher and Sonny Bono.
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Ben and Jerry’s send the waste from making ice cream to local pig farmers to use as feed. Pigs love the stuff, except for one flavor: Mint Oreo.
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The company providing the liability insurance for the Republican National Convention in San Diego is the same firm that insured the maiden voyage of the RMS Titanic.
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Al Capone’s business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
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Dr. Samuel A. Mudd was the physician who set the leg of Lincoln’s assassin John Wilkes Booth…and whose shame created the expression for ignominy, “His name is Mudd.”
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The longest recorded flight of a chicken is thirteen seconds.
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The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin during World War II killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo.
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Wilma Flintstone’s maiden name was Wilma Slaghoopal, and Betty Rubble’s Maiden name was Betty Jean Mcbricker.
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A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.
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111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
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The Ramses brand condom is named after the great pharaoh Ramses II who fathered over 160 children.
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If NASA sent birds into space they would soon die, they need gravity to swallow.
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Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.
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The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra’s “Its A Wonderful Life”.
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It was discovered on a space mission that a frog can throw up. The frog throws up its stomach first, so the stomach is dangling out of its mouth. Then the frog uses its forearms to dig out all of the stomach’s contents and then swallows the stomach back down again.
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Armored knights raised their visors to identify themselves when they rode past their king. This custom has become the modern military salute.
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White Out was invented by the mother of Mike Nesmith (Formerly of the Monkees).
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Sylvia Miles had the shortest performance ever nominated for an Oscar with “Midnight Cowboy.” Her entire role lasted only six minutes.
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Charles Lindbergh took only four sandwiches with him on his famous transatlantic flight.
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Goethe couldn’t stand the sound of barking dogs and could only write if he had an apple rotting in the drawer of his desk.
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If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle; if the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle; if the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
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Gilligan of Gilligan’s Island had a first name that was only used once, on the never-aired pilot show. His first name was Willy. The skipper’s real name on Gilligan’s Island is Jonas Grumby. It was mentioned once in the first episode on their radio’s newscast about the wreck.
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In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.
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Playing cards were issued to British pilots in WWII. If captured, they could be soaked in water and unfolded to reveal a map for escape.
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The “L.L.” in L.L. Bean stands for Leon Leonwood.
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Ivory bar soap floating was a mistake. They had been overmixing the soap formula causing excess air bubbles that made it float. Customers wrote and told how much they loved that it floated, and it has floated ever since.
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Studies show that if a cat falls off the seventh floor of a building it has about thirty percent less chance of surviving than a cat that falls off the twentieth floor. It supposedly takes about eight floors for the cat to realize what is occurring, relax and correct itself.
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The saying “it’s so cold out there it could freeze the balls off a brass monkey” came from when they had old cannons like ones used in the Civil War. The cannonballs were stacked in a pyramid formation, called a brass monkey. When it got extremely cold outside they would crack and break off… Thus the saying.
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Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks, otherwise it will digest itself.
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The Sanskrit word for “war” means “desire for more cows.”
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A walla-walla scene is one where extras pretend to be talking in the background — when they say “walla-walla” it looks like they are actually talking.
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The phrase “rule of thumb” is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn’t beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.
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101 Dalmatians and Peter Pan (Wendy) are the only two Disney cartoon features with both parents that are present and don’t die throughout the movie.
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‘Stewardesses’ is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand.
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The Baby Ruth candy bar was actually named after Grover Cleveland’s baby daughter, Ruth.
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A whale’s penis is called a dork.
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Armadillos have four babies at a time and they are always all the same sex.
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Armadillos are the only animal besides humans that can get leprosy.
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To escape the grip of a crocodile’s jaws, push your thumbs into its eyeballs — it will let you go instantly.
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Reindeer like to eat bananas.
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A group of unicorns is called a blessing.
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Twelve or more cows are known as a “flink.”
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A group of frogs is called an army.
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A group of rhinos is called a crash.
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A group of kangaroos is called a mob.
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A group of whales is called a pod.
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A group of geese is called a gaggle.
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A group of ravens is called a murder.
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A group of officers is called a mess.
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A group of larks is called an exaltation.
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A group of owls is called a parliament.
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Physicist Murray Gell-Mann named the sub-atomic particles known as quarks for a random line in James Joyce, “Three quarks for Muster Mark!”
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Every time you lick a stamp, you’re consuming 1/10 of a calorie.
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The phrase “sleep tight” derives from the fact that early mattresses were filled with straw and held up with rope stretched across the bedframe. A tight sleep was a comfortable sleep.
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“Three dog night” (attributed to Australian Aborigines) came about because on especially cold nights these nomadic people needed three dogs (dingos, actually) to keep from freezing.

YOUR HOROSCOPE

AQUARIUS – JAN 21 TO FEB 19 –
You lie a great deal. On the other hand, you are inclined to be careless and impractical, causing you to make the same mistake repeatedly. Everyone thinks you are stupid.

PICES – FEB 20 TO MAR 20 –
You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by the CIA and FBI. You have minor influence over your associates and people think you flaunt your power. You lack control and are generally a coward. Pisces people screw small animals.

ARIES – MAR 21 TO APR 20 –
You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are quick tempered, impatient and scornful of advice. You are a prick.

TARUS – APR 21 TO MAY 21 –
You are practical and persistent. You have dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded. You are not anything but a goddam communist.

GEMINI – MAY 22 TO JULY 23 –
You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. However, you are inclined to except too much for too little. This means you are cheap. Geminis are notorious for thiriving on incest.

CANCER – JUN 22 – JUL 23 –
You are sympathetic and understanding to other people’s problems. They think you are a sucker. You are always putting things off, and that is why you will alwyas be on welfare and never worth a shit.

LEO – JUL 24 – AUG 23 –
You consider yourself a born leader, while others think you are pushy. Most Leos are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are always thieving bastards.

VIRGO – AUG 24 – SEP 23 –
You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nitpicking is sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while making love. Virgos make excellent bus drivers and pimps.

LIBRA – SEP 24 – OCT 23 –
You are the artistic type and have difficulty with reality. If you are a man, you are most likely queer. Chances of empoloyment and monetary gains are excellent. Most Libra wome n are excellent whores. All Librans die of a veneral disease.

SCORPIO – OCT 24 – NOV 22 –
You are optimistic and entusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck since you lack talent. The majority of Scorpios are drunks and dope fiends. People laugh at you a great deal because you are always getting fucked.

SAGITTARIUS – NOV 23 – DEC 21 –
You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of succes s because of your total lack of ethics. You are a perfect SON- OF-A-BITCH. Most sagittarians are murdered.

CAPRICORN – DEC 22 – JAN 20 –
You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You don’t do much of anything and are lazy. There has never been a capricorn of any importance. Capricorns should avoid standing still for long periods of time as they tend to attract pigeons.

Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.

Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your Kleenex to other passengers.

Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: “Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!”

Whistle the first seven notes of “It’s a Small World” incessantly.

Sell Girl Scout cookies.

On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.

Shave.

Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: “Got enough air in there?”

Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside- down.

Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.

Lean over to another passenger and whisper: “Noogie patrol coming!”

Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.

On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go “plink” at the bottom.

Do Tai Chi exercises.

Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: “I’ve got new socks on!”

When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: “Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!”

Give religious tracts to each passenger.

Meow occasionally.

Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.

Frown and mutter “gotta go, gotta go” then sigh and say “oops!”

Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.

Sing “Mary had a little lamb” while continually pushing buttons.

Holler “Chutes away!” whenever the elevator descends.

Walk on with a cooler that says “human head” on the side.

Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce “You’re one of THEM!” and move to the far corner of the elevator.

Leave a box between the doors.

Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.

Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers “through” it.

Start a sing-along.

When the elevator is silent, look around and ask “is that your beeper?”

Play the harmonica.

Shadow box.

Say “Ding!” at each floor.

Lean against the button panel.

Say “I wonder what all these do” and push the red buttons.

Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.

Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your “personal space.”

Bring a chair along.

Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: “Wanna see wha in muh mouf?”

Blow spit bubbles.

Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.

Announce in a demonic voice: “I must find a more suitable host body.”

Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.

Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

Stare at your thumb and say “I think it’s getting larger.”

… one slip of the tongue and you’re in deep shit!

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WHICH ONE DOESN’T BELONG?

1) WIFE 2) MEAT 3) CLOCK 4) BLOW-JOB

IT’S #4 BECAUSE . . .
YOU CAN BEAT YOUR WIFE, YOU CAN BEAT
YOUR MEAT, AND YOU CAN BEAT THE CLOCK –
. . . . BUT YOU CAN’T BEAT A BLOW JOB!

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WHY CAN WOMEN ONLY GO 68 MPH ON THE HIGHWAY?

… because at 69 they blow a rod

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HOW DO YOU TELL IF YOU’VE HAD A REALLY GOOD NIGHT OF ORAL SEX?

… YOU WAKE UP WITH A LUMP IN YOUR THROAT AND A STRING HANGING OUT OF YOUR MOUTH

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WHY DID THE PERVERT CROSS THE ROAD?

… because he was stuck to a chicken

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Why did God invent booze?

… so fat ugly chicks could get laid too.

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What is the difference between a 6 and a 10?

… about 6 beers.

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What did Adam say to Eve the first time they had sex?

… “Stand back I don’t know how big it gets!”

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How do you define a “tough guy”?

…he bangs his dick on the side of the urinal to dry it off.

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WHAT DO YOU CALL A HOOKER WITH NO LEGS?

… A NIGHTCRAWLER!

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How do you get a Mexican woman pregnant?

… come on her feet and let the flies do the rest!

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Where do they get virgin wool?

… Ugly sheep.

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Did you hear about the pussy cookie?

… If you take too big a bite, it tastes like shit.

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Do you know why Congress is trying to keep women from swimming in the oceans?

… They can’t get the smell off the fish.

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Know what an “11” is?

… A “10” who doesn’t get headaches.

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Know what a Greek “10” is?

… The back end of a “3”.

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Know the difference between pussy and parsley?

… Nobody eats parsley.

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How do you define a really “macho” woman?

. She kickstarts her vibrator – or rolls her own tampons.

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WHY DO WOMEN LIKE TO PLAY PACMAN?

… It’s the only way they know of to get eaten three times for a quarter. — and — WHY DO MEN LIKE TO PLAY PINBALL?

… It’s the only way they can get five balls for a quarter.

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What’s the difference between “kinky” and “erotic?”

… With “kinky” you use the WHOLE chicken.

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What do you get if you cross a nun with a computer?

… A system that won’t go down.

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Why would you want to wrap your hamster in duct tape?

… So it won’t explode when you fuck it.

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Know what is the square root of 69?

… Ate something.

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A nymphomaniac is a girl who likes every man to be in different.

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Why do women have legs?

… So they don’t leave snail tracks on linoleum floors.

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Where are an elephants sex organs?

… In his feet,if he steeps on you your fucked!

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WHAT’S RED & HAS SEVEN LITTLE DENTS?

… SNOW WHITE’S CHERRY!

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What do a nun and Seven-Up have in common?

… “Never had it, never will.”

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Do you know how to get a cross-eyed girl pregnant?

… Why fuck her! of course!

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WHAT ARE THE FIVE REASONS FOR NOT WANTING TO BE AN EGG

1. YOU ONLY GET LAID ONCE.

2. YOU ONLY GET EATEN ONCE.

3. IT TAKES YOU SEVEN MIN. TO GET HARD IN BOILING WATER.

4. YOU HAVE TO COME IN A BOX WITH 11 OTHER GUYS.

5. THE ONLY ONE THAT EVER SITS ON YOUR FACE IS YOUR MOTHER.

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WHY DID GOD CREATE WOMEN?

… SHEEP CAN’T COOK.

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WHAT’S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN LOVE AND HERPES?

… HERPES LASTS FOREVER.

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WHAT DO YOU CALL A TRUCKLOAD OF VIBRATORS?

… TOYS FOR TWATS.

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WHAT DO YOU CALL A HEARD OF MASTURBATING CATTLE?

… BEEF STROKENOFF.

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WHY DOES AN ELEPHANT HAVE FOUR FEET?

… BECAUSE EIGHT INCHES WASN’T ENOUGH

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WHAT DO SOY BEANS AND DILDOS HAVE IN COMMON?

… BOTH ARE MEAT SUBSTITUTES.

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WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN CHICKEN AND MEAT?

… IF YOU BEAT YOUR CHICKEN IT WOULD DIE.

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WHAT DO YOU CALL A COW WITH AN ABORTION?

… DECALFINATED.

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WHY DON’T CHICKENS WEAR UNDERWEAR?

… BECAUSE THEIR PECKERS ARE ON THEIR FACE.

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WHAT DO YOU CALL A PIMPLE ON A POLACK’S ASS?

… A BRAIN TUMOR

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WHAT DO YOU CALL THIS?..(PUFF OUT CHEEKS)

… POLISH SPERM BANK

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WHAT DID THE POLACK DO WITH HIS FIRST 50 CENT PIECE?

… MARRIED HER

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WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU CROSS A PENIS WITH A POTATO?

… A DICK-TATOR

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Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?

… BECAUSE HIS WIFE DIED!

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WHAT IS THE DEFINATION OF A BORN LOSER?

… A GUY WHO FALLS INTO A SEA OF TITS AND COMES UP SUCKING HIS THUMB.

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Why did the chicken cross the basket ball court??

… Because it heard that the referee was blowing fouls.

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What did the blind man say as he walked past the fish market?

… “Morning Ladies!”

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A GUY WALKS INTO A BAR WITH AN OCTOPUS ON HIS SHOULDER. THE BARTENDER SAYS YOU CAN’T BRING THAT IN HERE. THE GUY SAYS WHY NOT, HE’S A PET PLUS I’LL BET YOU A DRINK HE CAN PLAY ANY INSTRUMENT IN HERE. BARTENDER SAYS OK HERE’S A TROMBONE, I’LL BET A DRINK HE CAN’T PLAY IT. THE OCTOPUS PICKS IT UP AND STARTS PLAYING A TUNE. BARTENDER IS A LITTLE UPSET AND PULLS OUT A CLARINET AND SAYS, I BET ANOTHER DRINK HE CAN’T PLAY THIS. THE GUY SAYS OK. THE OCTOPUS PICKS UP THE CLARINET AND STARTS PLAYING AWAY ON IT. BY NOW THE BARTENDER IS REALLY UPSET. HE’S HAD TO GIVE THE GUY 2 FREE DRINKS ALREADY.THEN HE REMEMBERS HE HAS AN OLD SET OF BAG-PIPES IN THE BACK. HE TELLS THE GUY, I’LL BET YOU ONE MORE DRINK HE CAN’T PLAY SOMETHING ELSE I HAVE AND THROWS OUT THE BAG-PIPES. THE OCTOPUS TAKES ONE LOOK AT IT AND JUMPS ON IT AND STARTS TRYING TO SCREW IT. THE BARTENDER LAUGHS AND SAYS, I GUESS I WIN. THE GUY SAYS, JUST GIVE HIM A MINUTE. AS SOON AS HE REALIZES HE CAN’T SCREW IT . . . . . . . THEN HE’LL PLAY IT.!

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FOLLOWING A LONG ARDUOUS CATTLE DRIVE, THE COWBOY HEADED FOR THE RESTAURANT FOR DINNER. TAKING THE ONLY SEAT LEFT, WHICH WAS NEXT TO A LADY ABOUT 20 YEARS OLD (WHO LOOKED VERY WEALTHY AND EDUCATED), HE OVERHEARD HER PLACE HER ORDER. “I’LL HAVE BREAST OF FOWL, VIRGIN FOWL. MAKE SURE IT’S VIRGIN. CATCH IT YOURSELF. GARNISH MY PLATE WITH ONION AND BRING ME A CUP OF COFFEE, NOT TOO HOT, NOT TOO COLD. AND WAITER, OPEN A WINDOW. I SMELL A HORSE, THERE MUST BE A COWBOY IN THE HOUSE.” THOROUGHLY PISSED, THE COWBOY MADE HIS ORDER. “I’LL HAVE DUCK, FUCKED DUCK. MAKE SURE IT’S FUCKED. FUCK IT YOURSELF. GARNISH MY PLATE WITH HORSESHIT, AND BRING ME A CUP OF COFFEE, STRONG AS TEXAS MULE PISS, AND BLOW THE FOAM OFF WITH A FART. – AND WAITER, KNOCK THE WHOLE DAMN WALL DOWN. I SMELL A CUNT, THERE MUST BE A WHORE IN THE HOUSE.”

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THE BUISNESSMAN TOOK THE YOUNG SECRETARY TO A MOTEL ROOM. THE GIRL SEEMED SHY AND INEXPERIENCED, SO THE MAN DECIDED HE WOULD BE HER TUTOR IN THE ART OF LOVE. HE BEGAN BY RUNNING HIS HANDS OVER HER CHEST. DO YOU KNOW WHAT I’M DOING? HE ASKED? NO SHE REPLIED… I’M FONDLING YOUR BREASTS. THEN HE MOVED HIS HAND DOWN TO THE SOFT “Y” BETWEEN HER LEGS AND ASKED, DO YOU KNOW WHAT I’M DOING NOW? WHEN SHE REPLIED NO, H E EXPLAINED HE WAS CARESSING HER CLITORIS. THEN HE BECAME SO AROUSED THAT HE SPREAD HER LEGS AND THRUST HIS PENIS INTO HER. DO YOU KNOW WHAT I’M DOING NOW? HE PANTED. YES, SHE RESPONDED COOLY. YOU’RE CATCHING HERPES . . . . . . .

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GIRL WAS COMING HOME FROM A DATE. HER MOTHER HAD WAITED UP FOR HER, AND WHEN THE GIRL WALKED IN THE DOOR, THE MOTHER NOTICED SHE HAD RICE IN HER HAIR. ANNE, SHE SAID, YOU DIDN’T TELL ME YOU WERE GOING TO A WEDDING. I DIDN’T, SHE REPLIED. I WAS GIVING A BLOW JOB TO A CHINAMAN AND HE GOT SICK ALL OVER ME ..

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An old indian was feeling out of sorts one day so he went to the medicine man to get some help. After a short discussion it was determined that the man’s problem was that he had never had sex. So he goes to the local cathouse steps up to the madam and says “Have wampum, want woman!” The madam soon finds out he has never had a woman and tells him he must get some experience first and then come back. So the old indian goes back to the medicine man for advice and is told to go into the forest and find a tree with a knothole and practice on it. A few days later the man goes back to the cathouse and says “Got wampum want woman!” This time he tells the madam that he has experience. He goes up to the room, and a short while later an attractive girl comes into the the room and lies down. He says “Get up!” She does. He reaches under the bed and pulls out one of the wood slats from under the frame, and hits her hard across the ass with it. She screems, “What the hell are you doing you pervert!!” He replies, “Checkum for bees!!”. He had indeed gotten experience.

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A WHORE CAME INTO A BAR AND SAW A REAL UGLY GUY SITTING AT THE BAR. SHE SAID TO THE BARTENDER, ‘GEE, THAT GUY’S THE UGLIEST GUY I EVER SAW! — SEND HIM A DRINK ON ME!” THEY FINALLY GOT TOGETHER AND SHE PROPOSITIONS HIM. HE SAYS, “GREAT, BUT I’M KINKY”. SHE SAYS “GREAT–I LOVE KINKY MEN. I WON’T CHARGE YOU ANYTHING” OVER AT HER HOUSE HE TELLS HER TO GET NAKED AND DO A HEADSTAND UP AGAINST THE WALL FACING IT. SHE DOES. SHE SAYS “GIVE IT TO ME, BABY!” SHE HEARS THE CLUNK, CLUNK OF THE BELT BUCKLE AND THE CLOMP, CLOMP OF THE SHOES. AFTER FIVE MINUTES SHE WONDERED WHAT WAS GOING ON. SHE SAID, “I’M SO EXCITED BY WAITING. GIVE IT TO ME”. HE SAID, “I ALREADY DID!” SHE TURNED HER RED FACE AROUND ON THE FLOOR AND SAID, “YOU DID?! WHAT DID YOU DO?” HE SAID, “TOLD YOU I WAS KINKY. I SHIT IN YOUR PURSE”

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Two young starlets are discussing the sessions they have just had with the movie producer. “Did he give you a good part?” asks one. “No he did not!” replies the other. “Why he made me such a ridiculous offer, I just laughed right in his balls.”

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A Polack has always been envious of a friend’s ability to pick up girls at the beach. So one day, he asks how. The friend tells him “I just stick a potato in my swimsuit. The women go crazy for it.” So the polack tries it. A few days later he sees his friend at the beach and has bad news. “That potato trick doesn’t work at all. Women just go out of their way to avoid me these days. The friend says “Well, wear the potato in front next time”.

——————————————————————————–

Tah, rah, rah, boom-bee-ayee,
Have you had yours today?
I got mine yesterday,
With the guy across the way
He paid me ninety cents
To go behind the fence
He pulled my panties down
And laid me on the ground
He shouted, “one, two, three,”
And stuck it into me,
Won’t mommy be surprised,
When she sees my tummy rise!

——————————————————————————–

So this guy walks into a whorehouse and tells the receptionist that he wants to get fucked. So she tells him to go up to room 23, he looks around for a while and finally finds it, knocks on the door and says, “I want to get fucked!”. The girl on the other side says, “OK, slip a twenty under the door”. He searches his wallet, pulls out a twenty and slips it under the door. About 10 minutes later, he knocks on the door again and says, “Hey, where’s my fuck!!!!” The girl says, “You’ve just been fucked, want to try again??”

——————————————————————————–

A fellow drops into to local red light area to get a little action. But he only has a few dollars and asks the Madam to fix him up cheap. She say she can and sends him up to the room and a bit later a rather attractive girl comes in. He is very surprised to get a good looking girl so cheap and they start to have it. He quickly withdraws from the girl and says she feels like sandpaper. She says that is why they call her Sandpaper Sally. She steps into the bathroom and comes back a short time later and they resume. He announces that whatever she did feels much better. When they were finished and relaxing a thought comes to him and he asked her what she did when she was in the bathroom.

——————————————————————————–

——————————————————————————–

A GUY LEAVES HIS PLACE AT THE BAR TO GO RELIEVE HIMSELF. HE COMES BACK ABOUT 10 MINUTES LATER, SITS DOWN AT THE BAR, MUTTERING & SWEARING VERY SOFTLY. THE BAR KEEP APPROACHES THE CUSTOMER AND ASKES WHAT THE PROBLEM IS.
– “OH SOME “SON-UV-A-BITCH” SNUCK UP BEHIND ME WHILE I WAS AT THE URINAL AND PUT A GUN TO MY HEAD”.
– “JESUS CHRIST! WHAT HAPPENED?”
– “HE TOLD ME TO GIVE HIM A BLOW JOB OR HE’D BLOW MY BRAINS OUT!”
– “YEAH, THEN WHAT?”
– “WELL YOU DIDN’T HEAR A GUN SHOT, DID YOU?”

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A CLASSROOM FULL OF STUDENTS WAS HAVING “SHOW AND TELL”, AND A FARMER BOY WAS SHOWING HIS HOE, WHEN A BLACK KID RAISED HIS HAND AND SAID, “THAT AIN’T NO HOE, MY SISTER’S A HOE AND SHE DON’T LOOK LIKE THAT”

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So there’s this loudmouth guy sitting getting plastered in a bar late one night. He gets pretty drunk and yells to the bar- tender “Hey barkeep, I want to buy a drink for that douchebag at the end of the bar!” The bartender comes over and tells the man that he should remember she is a customer and to be civil. The man nods, but a while later yells to the bartender “Hey listen, I still want to buy that douchebag a drink.” The drinkmaster reminds the man that he runs a respectable establishment and to treat customers with respect. The man says he’s sorry, and the bartender goes to the other end of the bar and tells the woman “the gentleman at the other end of the bar would like to buy you a drink. What would you like” “Great,” the woman says, “I’ll have a vinegar and water.”

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A guy walks into a bar with a huge gorilla. The bartender asks him what the deal is and the man says that the gorilla has been specially trained so that when he hits the animal in the jaw, he gives him a blow job. The bartender doesn’t believe it so the man pulls his arm back and punches the gorilla in the face. The gorilla gets up, brushes himself off, and gives the man a BJ. He has to perform the whole trick again for the barkeep, who still doesn’t believe it. The man finally asks the bartender if he wants to try it. “Sure,” he says, “just do not hit me as hard as you hit that gorilla.”

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======== (Reprinted from a newsletter in an office.) ========= We were listening the other day as a group of strident feminists declared that the Women’s Liberation Movement in this decade has brought about the demise of the nasty Male Chauvinist Pig. Possibly. We assume they are referring to the amateur, weekend Male Chauvinist Pig. Not the all-pro Died-in-the-wool variety. For him the women’s movement is a blessing. Look at this way: Before “liberation” if a man wanted “WHAT ALL MEN ARE AFTER” it would take him a good 6 months of court- ship, #376.29 worth of candy, flowers, dinners, phone calls, cute little stuffed animals with gushy Hallmark cards in their paws and lots of fancy talk. Then, once he reached his piggish goal, there was always that “now that we’re engaged, dear….” to be dealt with. It was a nightmare out of Women’s Circle, McCall’s, Redbook, AND Seventeen. With “liberation” our pig is faced with a lot of women who have talked themselves OUT of sentimentality. They hate and suspect romantic trappings.. good-bye stuffed animals. They’re paranoid about career and financial independence, which means their frantic division of all tabs exactly 50-50 saves the pig a lot of money. They believe in their right to sex, so they’re willing to talk freely on the subject and then get right to it. No more coy 6 month waiting period. And then when the pig does slip and say something chauvinistic, all he need do is let his femperson rant for half an hour on the gross inadequacies of men, then look sheepish and explain that he’s sorry but he’s just a victim of societys training and he needs help. Finally, when he grows bored with things, our pig gets out by extending a firm hand and saying, “I want us both to grow and continue to respect each other as individuals but I feel in this relationship we’re cramping each other and though it’s painful, I want to let us part as mature friends.” The translation of which is, “I just met this blond even easier than you.”

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A woman goes into a hardware store and wanders around for a while and picks up a hinge. She wanders around a while longer and captures the attention of a clerk, who watches her. She finally settles down in one certain aisle, and just kind of hangs there. Eventually, the clerk walks over to her and asks, “Can I give you a screw for that hinge?” “No,” she says, “but I’ll give you a blowjob for that electric toaster.”

——————————————————————————–

Here’s to the girl who’s afraid of men
Fucked herself with a fountain pen
The pen broke and the ink went wild
And she gave birth to a colored child.

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Tell me why, ye gen’rous Swains?
Tell me, ye nymphs upon the Plains?
Why does Sylvia leave the Green?
Has she done any thing obscene?
They all reply’d Your Sylvia’s gone;
For she will do’t with ev’ry one

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A sailor is talking about the last time he was on leave. “So it was the first fuckin’ leave in six fuckin’ months. I got out of my fuckin’ uniform at the fuckin’ Y, went to a fuckin’ bar, and picked up a fuckin’ broad. I took her to a fuckin’ hotel, laid her out on the fuckin’ bed, and had sexual intercourse.”

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A man is walking by a church one Sunday, and happens by a cute 6 year old girl sitting on the sidewalk, dressed up very nicely, playing with her dog. The man asks, “what is your name little girl?” “Candy,” she says. “They call me that because I like candy so much. And this is my dog Porky.” “They call him that because he likes pork so much?” the man wonders. “No,” she says. “They call him Porky because he likes to fuck pigs.”

——————————————————————————–

Oh, husband, dear husband I tremble with fear,
you’ve been on the night shift for over a year.
And since you are gone all thru the nite,
A real piece of ass seems way out of sight.
Oh husband, dear husband, stop being a fool,
Working the nite shift is wasting your tool.
Its far better to be hungry the rest of your life
than to bring home a dead pecker to your hot naked wife!
I have always been happy, your little queen,
But now when its nite, you’re nowhere to be seen!
You come home in the a.m. barely to creep,
I feel like fucking, you want to sleep!!!
Each morning, dear husband, when you flop into bed
Your intentions are good, but your pecker is D-E-A-D !
Though I have pleaded with you with tears in my eyes
And fondled it gently, that damned thing won’t rise!
So, I’ll get a man who works thru the day,
Then at night while you’re gone, I’ll proceed to make hay!
For in all this world, there is only one sin,
For which there’s no pardon, nor never has been.
And that’s of a man who is foolish and mean,
Who gives up his fucking to fix a machine!!!!!!!

——————————————————————————–

Message on card from male to female:

Scientists determined that the average time of intercourse is four minutes, the average strokes per minute is nine, making the average intercourse consisting of thirty-six strokes. The average penis is six inches letting the average girl receive 216 inches or 18 feet/intercourse. The average girl does it about 3 times a week, 50 weeks a year, and 150 times 18 makes 2,700 feet or just a little over half mile!

So, if you’re not getting your half mile every year, why not let the man who gave you this card to read help you catch up ? The presenter of this card is a member in good standing of the “quarter mile a day club” and holds the boy scout merit badge for physical fitness!

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A nun goes into a doctor’s office, worried that she has crabs. After a short exam, the doctor says he has some good news and some bad news. “The good news,” he says, “is that you don’t have crabs. The bad news is that your cherry is so old, it has fruit flies.”

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A sailor in New orleans has only a dollar to have a good time with. He spends half on a pack of cigarettes and a beer and offers the remaining 50 cents to a tough whore. She accepts. She takes him to her untidy place and immediately bends over and throws up her dress, presenting her anus to him. “Come on, turn around,” the sailor says angrily. “I don’t want to butt-fuck.” “But you do want to open that bottle, don’t you?” says the whore.

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These two Martians are flying around the earth one night, and land their saucer in a gas station. One Martian goes over to the cigarette machine, and asks, “What’s a nice girl like you doing in a place like this?” The other Martian walks over and says, “don’t bother with her, Qmmpzzgl, we’re no match for earth men. Look at that one sleeping over there with his prick in his ear.”

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MY NOOKIE DAYS ARE OVER
MY PILOT LIGHT IS OUT
WHAT USED TO BE MY SEX APPEAL
IS NOW MY WATER SPOUT
TIME WAS WHEN OF IT’S OWN ACCORD
FROM TROUSERS IT WOULD SPRING
BUT NOW I HAVE A FULL TIME JOB
TO FIND THE BLASTED THING
IT USED TO BE EMBARRASSING
THE WAY THAT IT BEHAVED
FOR EVERY SINGLE MORNING
IT WOULD STAND AND WATCH ME SHAVE
AS MY OLD AGE APPROACHES
IT SURE GIVES ME THE BLUES
TO SEE IT HANG IT’S LITTLE HEAD
AND WATCH ME TIE MY SHOES!

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Another time this fellow walks into his favorite cathouse and sets up a deal with the Madam. “I want something different but not Hurricane Gussy and it took me ten trips to the clinic to get over Sandpaper Sally. What have you got that’s different?” “Well,” the Madam replies, “How about One-eyed Wanda.” He says “Fine – as long as I don’t get pissed on or catch something.” He goes up to the room and a bit later a really stacked honey comes in. He promptly starts diving in and she says “Wait a minute honey, with me it doesn’t got there.” She then proceeds to remove a glass eye and says, “Give it to me there.” He proceeds and when he was leaving he says to the girl “WOW that was one of the best screws I’ve had in years. I’ll be back soon!!” She replies “Great!! I’ll keep an eye out for you!”

——————————————————————————–

A WOMAN WENT TO A PODIATRIST WITH A COMPLAINT THAT HER FEET ALWAYS HURT. HE IMMEDIATELY NOTICED THAT SHE WAS EXTREMELY BOWLEGGED. HE ASKED HER IF SHE HAD ALWAYS BEEN THAT WAY? “NO,” SHE SAID, “NOT UNTIL RECENTLY. I’VE BEEN FUCKING A LOT DOGGIE STYLE.” “WELL”, HE SAID, “YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE TO STOP.” “I CAN’T”, SHE REPLIED, “THAT’S THE ONLY WAY MY GERMAN SHEPHERD FUCKS.”

——————————————————————————–

TWO DRUNKS WERE LYING ALONGSIDE THE CURB WHEN A COP CAME UP. THE OFFICER SAW THAT ONE HAD HIS FINGER STUCK UP THE OTHER’S ASS. WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING? THE COP DEMANDED. MY BUDDY IS SICK AND I’M TRYING TO MAKE HIM THROW UP THE DRUNK SLURRED. WELL HOW THE HELL IS STICKING YOUR FINGER UP HIS ASS GOING TO MAKE HIM THROW UP? JUST WAIT THE DRUNK SAID, UNTIL I STICK IT IN HIS MOUTH ……………

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A shoe salesman picks up a prostitute and wants to do some business. He tells the young lady that he only has $25 but would like to give her some shoes for the remainder of her $50 fee. She agrees and they go up to her place. Now this guy thinks he has to prove himself. So, he tries like to hell to give the whore an orgasm. He does his best to fuck as long as he can to get her off, and after a while he feels her pull an arm behind his back. Then she pulls another arm behind his back. “Wow, I’m gonna make her come” he thinks. Then the woman brings both legs up onto his back. He asks, “are you going to come?” “No,” she says, “I’m trying to try on these new shoes.”

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A young priest, who’s still unsure of the penances to dole out during confession, asks an older priest what he should give a cocksucker.

“Oh,” says the older priest, “give him a dollar or so, if you feel like it. Personally I never give them more than fifty cents.”

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Having taken a few too many at a hotel dance, a pretty young thing in Cheyenne dashed out of doors, fainted, and fell over a trash barrel. A young man saw her, picked her up and carried her up to his room. The next morning he wired his partner in Denver:

CLOSE OFFICE STOP SELL EVERYTHING STOP COME TO WYOMING STOP THEY THROW AWAY BETTER STUFF HERE THAN YOU CAN BUY IN COLORADO

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This fellow walks into the local Catthouse looking for some action. In response to the madams question of how she could be of assistance, he says “I’m looking for a different style of sex.” The Madam replied, “Well you might try Hurricane Gussy”. So the fellow goes up to the room, gets undressed and into bed and waits. Moments later this BIG MAMMA rolls into the room and announces “I’m Hurricane Gussy.” She jumps into bed and starts blowing her warm breath all over the guys body. He is slightly taken aback by this and says “Whats the big idea”. She replies “Thats the warm wind from the hurricane. A little while later she starts flogging him on the face with her big tits. He yells “What the hell’s going on!!” She replies “Those are the coconuts falling from the palms during the hurricane.” A little bit later she stands astride him and starts pissing all over him. He jumps up and yells “What the fucks the deal here!!”. Gussy replies “It’s the rain from the hurricane.” He starts getting dressed and she askes “Where are you going?” He replies “I’m leaving. Who can fuck in this weather!!”

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A man is having excruciating pains in his groin, accompanied by intense headaches, so he goes to doctor. The physician gives him a thorough going over and announces that he has an excessive pressure in his crotch, and that the headaches will continue until and unless he has his balls removed. Only after the most incredible case of migraine headaches and blue balls does he consent to the operation. He gets castrated. Because of the operation, he felt very depressed. The pressure was gone, and there was no pain, but still, he sat at the window and stared into empty space. His wife wandered over and told him “Honey, I know how you must feel. Whenever I feel depressed, I go downtown and buy some new clothes. That always makes me feel much better.”

He takes her advice. He goes to the most expensive haberdasher in town and orders a fancy suit. The tailor ells the man, “Well, I can tell that you wear a size 15-and-a-half shirt.” The man is amazed. “That’s exactly right,” he says.”And a size 10-B shoe.” “Yes!” exclaims the man, “right again.” “And you wear a size 10 hat, 34 inch pants length, and a 36 inch waist on your underwear,” says the tailor. “That’s perfectly right, except my underwear has a 34 inch waist.” “Oh, no,” says the tailor, “I know my business. You wear 36. If you wore tighter underwear, you’d get pressure built up in your groin, and then you’d get terrible headaches.”

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A Ukranian couple just got married and they have just arrived in their hotel room on their honeymoon. They are undressing and the groom takes off his shoes and socks. The wife sees his toes and says “Oh my God What happened to your toes?” His toes are all wizzened up and look terrible. He says “Didn’t I tell you? When I was little I had toelio.” So they continue un- dressing and the groom takes off his pants. The wife sees his knees and says “Oh my God! what happened to your knees?” His knees are awful. They are just big ugly knobs. “Didn’t I tell you? When I was young I had kneasles.” he said. They continue to undress and the groom takes off his underwear. The bride exclaimes “Oh my God You never told me you’ve had smallcocks”.

——————————————————————————–

A GUY WALKS INTO THE DOCTOR’S OFFICE AND TELLS THE DOCTOR THAT HIS ELBOW HURTS. THE DOCTOR TELLS HIM TO GO INTO THE BATHROOM AND CATCH A SAMPLE OF URINE AS HE JUST BOUGHT A NEW COMPUTER THAT CAN ANALYZE THE SAMPLE AND TELL HIM EVERYTHING THAT IS WRONG WITH THE MAN. THE MAN TELLS THE DOCTOR THAT HE HAS JUST PISSED AND DOESN’T HAVE ANY LEFT, SO THE DOCTOR TELLS HIM TO TAKE THE BOTTLE HOME AND COME BACK LATER. AS THE MAN DRIVES HOME, HE GETS A BRAINSTORM. ONCE HOME HE TELLS HIS WIFE TO PEE INTO THE BOTTLE AND THEN TELLS HIS DAUGHTER TO DO THE SAME. LATER, WHILE WALKING THE DOG, HE CATCHES SOME OF THE DOGS PISS ALSO. JUST BEFORE TAKING THE SAMPLE BACK TO THE DOCTOR, HE BEATS OFF INTO THE BOTTLE. THE DOCTOR RUNS THE SAMPLE THROUGH THE COMPUTER AND RETURNS TO TELL THE MAN THAT HE HAS SOME MAJOR PROBLEMS. THE MAN SAYS ‘BUT JUST MY ELBOW HURTS!’.
THE DOCTOR SAYS ‘WELL, THAT’S JUST TENNIS ELBOW. BUT THE OTHER PROBLEMS ARE BAD. FIRST, YOUR WIFE HAS VD, SECOND, YOUR DAUGHTER IS PREGNANT AND THIRD, YOUR DOG HAS DISTEMPER.’ WOW, THE MAN EXCLAIMS, BUT WHAT ABOUT MY ELBOW? THE DOCTOR RETORTED: “QUIT BEATING OFF AND YOUR TENNIS ELBOW WILL HEAL!!”

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“This is Radio Tel Aviv, 1400 on your radio dial,

… but for you, 1398.”

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What is the difference between a Jew and a canoe?

… a canoe tips!

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What’s a Jewish dilemma ?

… free ham.

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Why is the camel called “the ship of the desert?”

… It’s full of Arab semen.

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After a long, hard journey, the three wise men finally reached the stable in Bethlehem. As they entered, one accidentally stepped in a cowpie and exclaimed, “Jesus Christ!” Over in the corner, Mary said, “Say, Joseph, I like that name better than Morris.”

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What’s a Black Toystore called?

… Toys B Us

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Comedian the other day invented the first BRAIL bumper sticker for the blind, which reads :

“IF YOU CAN READ THIS, THEN YOU’RE TOO CLOSE!!!!”

——————————————————————————–

BASKETBALL PLAYERS ARE TERRIBLE LOVERS…

… THEY ALWAYS DRIBBLE BEFORE THEY SHOOT!

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A COUPLE WAS GOING AT IT IN THE FRONT SEAT OF A CAR AND TO THE MAN’S EMBARRASSMENT, HE KEEPS ON HITTING THE CAR HORN WITH THE SIDE OF HIS BODY. HIS GIRLFRIEND EXCLAIMS, “I DIDN’T KNOW YOU WERE SO HORNY!”

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WHY ARE WOMEN AMAZING?

… THEY BURY BONES WITHOUT DIGGING A HOLE!

——————————————————————————–

A MAN WENT TO A BAR, DESPERATE TO GET LAID, AND PICKED UP THE ONLY WOMAN THERE, WHO COULD HAVE WEIGHED 350 POUNDS. THEY GO TO HIS APARTMENT AND START DOING IT, BUT HE’S SCREWING HER BELLY-BUTTON. SHE SAYS, “HEY, YOU’RE IN THE WRONG HOLE!” AND THE MAN REPLIES, “WHEN IT’S THIS ROUGH, ANY PORT IN THE STORM WILL DO.”

——————————————————————————–

WHAT’S YELLOW AND GOES “CHEEP, CHEEP”?

… A CHINESE PROSTITUTE!

——————————————————————————–

A HOOKER AFTER FINISHING A PROSTITUTION SENTENCE IMMEDIATELY SOLICITS TO AN UNDERCOVER POLICEMAN AND IS TAKEN BACK INTO CUSTODY. THE MORAL OF THIS STORY IS:

……YOU SHOULD NEVER END A SENTENCE WITH A PROPOSITION!…..

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A human being should be able to change a diaper, plan an invasion, butcher a hog, conn a ship, design a building, write a sonnet, balance accounts, build a wall, set a bone, comfort the dying, take orders, give orders, cooperate, act alone, solve equations, analyze a new problem pitch manure, program a computer, cook a tasty meal, fight efficently, and die gallantly. Specialization is for insects.

– R.A. Heinlein

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Bosses are like diapers!

… always on your ass and usually full of shit.

——————————————————————————–

HOW DO YOU SCREW A 400-POUND WOMAN?

… ROLL HER IN FLOUR AND AIM FOR THE WET SPOT!

——————————————————————————–

HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU’VE GOT THE BEST BLOWJOB IN THE UNIVERSE ??

YOU HAVE TO USE TWO HANDS TO PULL THE SHEETS OUT OF YOUR BUTT.

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The President of an American company was staying as an honored guest in the home of the Japanese president of his subsidiary company in Japan. “All in my home is yours….”, he was told, and true as his word each night he would creep in the dark into the bedroom of the Japanese president’s daughter, and get into bed with her. She just whispered “Marimekko, Marimekko”, more and more excitedly each night.

On his last day in Japan, the American businessman was playing a farewell round of golf with his Japanese associate. The game ended with the Japanese president sinking a 20 foot putt. The American, not knowing any Japanese, searched for a suitable word that might be appropriate. “Aahh”, he said,”Marimekko!”. “Uh?”, replied his Japanese associate,”What do you mean, “the wrong hole”?

(P.S. “Marimekko” is a pretty known Finnish designer label)

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One night a little boy is walking by his single mother’s bedroom and sees her on her bed. She’s rubbing her crotch and her breasts moaning “I want a man, I want a man”. He thinks this is a bit strange, but the next night he once again spies his mother rubbing her breasts and snatch moaning “I want a man, I want a man.”

The next night, he walks by his mother’s bedroom and sees that this time, his mother does indeed have a man in the bed with her. So he runs back to his room, takes off all his clothes, and rubs his body all over, moaning, “I want a bicycle, I want a bicycle.”

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It seems that this one lady was in the grocery store, doing her shopping. However, she had one hand over her vagina. This was causing a lot of speculation and commotion among the other customers. Finally, the store manager came over to her and said “I couldn’t help notice that you have your hand over your vagina. Is there anything I can do?”. She replied “No, it’s just that last night, we were all out of vaseline, so I had to use butter instead. But we were all out of butter, so I used margarine instead. Now if I remove my hand, it says ‘BUTTER!'”

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Actually, a Playboy a while back (I forget which one for sure) described how to tell if a woman was having a orgasm. (This is from memory, and is probably not completely correct). First, her eyes start to bulge out. Then, she will start to pant and sweat profusely. Next, she will chant like a baboon. Finally, she will twitch convulsively for several minutes.

… I just thought everybody should know the truth here.

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Two Hell’s Angels are talking; one of them had just gotten married. One asks, “So how is married life?” “Well, it sure beats standing in line.”

——————————————————————————–

What is the polish definition of “Oral Contraception” (in plain english)

… giving head!

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What does a polish woman do after sucking cock?

… spit out the feathers

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Little Red Riding Hood was packing her little basket, getting ready for her trip to Grandma. The last thing she put in was her Forty-four magnum. Off down the path she went and into the forest. Out from behind a tree jumped the Big Bad Wolf. “Okay, Chickie,” he said, “I’m going to rape you!” Little Red Riding Hood pulled out her forty-four and pointed it at him. “No you are not, sucker. You’re going to eat me just like it says in the story!!”

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A guy walks into a drug store and asks the girl behind the register, “Do you keep stationery?” She answers, “right up until the last minute, and then my toes curl up, and I turn into an animal.”

——————————————————————————–

A FATHER AND HIS 3 SONS ARE WALKING DOWN THE STREET. PAPA SEES A WHORE HOUSE, WALKS IN, SLAMS A 1000 BUCKS ON THE TABLE AND SAYS “I WANT A THOUSAND DOLLAR FUCK !”. SO THE GUY YELLS “HEY HERBIE – BRING OUT THE TWO BLONDS!”. LATER ON, THE 20 YEAR OLD SON PASSES ANOTHER WHORE HOUSE, AND WALKS IN. HE SLAMS $500 ON THE TABLE AND SAYS “I WANNA $500 FUCK !”. SO THE GUY YELLS “HEY CHARLIE ! BRING OUT THE TWO BRUNETTES!” LATER ON, THE 18 YEAR OLD GETS THE SAME URGE AND WALKS INTO ANOTHER WHOREHOUSE. HE SLAPS $50 ON THE TABLE AND SAYS “I WANNA $50 FUCK!”. SO THE GUY YELLS, “HEY FREDDIE ! BRING OUT THE BLOND !”. THEN, THE YOUNGEST SON (10), NOT TO BE LEFT OUT, WALKS INTO THE SAME WHORE HOUSE AS HIS OLDER 18 YEAR OLD BROTHER. HE SLAPS $5 ON THE TABLE AND SAYS “I WANNA FIVE DOLLAR FUCK !”. THE GUY LOOKS AT THE FIVE AND YELLS “HEY FREDDIE!- GREASE THE CAT’S ASS !!!”

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THERE ONCE WAS A MAN STRANDED ON THIS DESSERTED ISLAND, ALL HE HAD WITH HIM WAS A SHEEP AND A DOG. EVERY TIME HE WOULD FUCK THE SHEEP, THE DOG WOULD GO CRAZY AND BITE HIM. ONE DAY WHILE SITTING ON THE SHORE HE SEES A RAFT OUT IN THE OCEAN AND SWIMS OUT ONLY TO FIND A FAMISHED, “BEEN AT SEA” FOR DAYS, WOMAN. HE TAKES HER BACK TO THE ISLAND, NURSING HER BACK TO HEALTH. SHE TURNES OUT TO BE A BEAUTIFUL 24 YEAR OLD WOMAN. SHE SAYS TO HIM ONE DAY “I OWE YOU MY LIFE, YOU SAVED ME, I’LL DO ANYTHING FOR YOU!” HE REPLIES “ANYTHING?”, SHE SAYS “YES, ANYTHING!” HE SAYS “HOLD THE DOG!!!!”……

——————————————————————————–

A MODEST YOUNG LADY WAS AT HER FIRST APPOINTMENT AT THE GYNECOLOGIST. AS WAS PROPER HE HAD A NURSE IN ATTENDANCE AS HE EXAMINED THE MODEST YOUNG LADY. AFTER A BRIEF MOMENT HE SAID, “MY YOUNG LADY WHAT A LARGE VAGINA YOU HAVE! MY YOUNG LADY WHAT A LARGE VAGINA YOU HAVE!” THE MODEST YOUNG LADY, MORTIFIED, SAID, “DOCTOR YOU DID NOT HAVE TO SAY IT TWICE!!!” HIS REPLY, “I DIDN’T! I DIDN’T!”

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THERE IS A NEW DOUCHE ON THE MARKET CALLED SSY.

… it takes the PU out of pussy

-The average chocolate bar has 8 insects’ legs in it.

-The average human eats 8 spiders in their lifetime at night.

-A cockroach can live nine days without it’s head before it starves to death.

-A polar bear’s skin is black. It’s fur is not white, but actually clear.

-Elvis had a twin brother named Garon, who died at birth, which is why Elvis’ middle name was spelled Aron; in honor of his brother.

-Donald Duck comics were banned in Finland because he doesn’t wear pants.

-More people are killed by donkeys annually than are killed in plane crashes.

-Shakespeare invented the words “assassination” and “bump”.

-If you keep a goldfish in a dark room, it will eventually turn white.

-Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

-Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do.

-The continents’ names all end with the same letter with which they start.

-Typewriter is the longest word that can be made using the letters on only one row of the keyboard.

-If the population of China walked past you in a single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.

-The word racecar and kayak are the same whether they are read left to right, or right to left.

-A snail can sleep for up to 3 years.

-American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first class.

-The electric chair was invented by a dentist.

-Vatican City is the smallest country in the world, with a population of 1,000 and a size of 108.7 acres.

-Did you know that you share your birthday with at least 9 million other people in the world?

-“I am.” is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.

-No president of the United States was an only child.

Some examples of why the human race has probably evolved as far as possible. These are actual instruction labels on consumer goods:

On Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
(Gee, that’s the only time I have to work on my hair!)

On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(The shoplifter special!)

On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
(and that would be how?)

On some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
(But it’s ‘just’ a suggestion!)

On a hotel provided shower cap in a box:
Fits one head.
(The big one or the little one?)

On Tesco’s Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box)
Do not turn upside down.
(Too late! You lose!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.
(Are you sure??? Let’s experiment.)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.
(But wouldn’t that save more time?)
(Whose body?)

On Boot’s Children’s cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
(We could do a lot to reduce the construction accidents if we just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.)

On Nytol sleep aid:
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
(One would hope!)

On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning: keep out of children.
(or pets! What’s for dinner?)

On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
(As opposed to use in outer space.)

On a Japanese food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.
(Now I’m curious.)

On Sainsbury’s peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.
(but no peas?)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
(have a lobotomy)

On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.
(What is this, a home castration kit?)

On a child’s Superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
(That’s right, destroy a universal childhood belief)

SHE WAS AN ANGEL UNTIL SHE SWAPPED HER HARP FOR AN UPRIGHT ORGAN.

IT IS AN ESTABLISHED FACT THAT A SMITH AND WESSON BEATS FOUR ACES.

HEARD ABOUT THE CANNIBAL WHO PASSED HIS FRIEND ?

SHAMPOO TWELVE AND SIX, REAL POO FORTY FIVE BOB.

THE FARMERS DAUGHTER COULDN’T KEEP HER CALVES TOGETHER ?

THE CONSTABLES DAUGHTER LET THE POLICE INSPECTOR ?

WHEN I WAS BORN I WAS SO ROTTEN THAT THE DOCTOR SLAPPED MY MOTHER.

THE WINDOW CLEANER SCARED THE BOSS RIGHT OUT OF HIS SECRETARY.

THE FARMER COUNLDN’T KEEP HIS HANDS OFF HIS WIFE SO HE FIRED THEM ALL.

GENTLEMEN PREFER BLONDES…..BECAUSE BLONDES KNOW WHAT GENTLEMEN PREFER.

HE CHASED HIS GIRL FRIEND UP A TREE AND KISSED HER BETWEEN THE LIMBS.

THE SULTAN HAD TEN WIVES…….NINE OF THEM HAD IT PRETTY SOFT.

GIRLS WITH NEGATIVE QUALITIES CAN OFTEN BE DEVELOPED IN A DARK ROOM.

I DIDN’T KNOW WHETHER TO SHIT OR GO BLIND.

WHY WAS THE LEPER EXPELLED FROM THE LEPER COLONY..?
HE WAS CAUGHT DIPPING HIS BREAD IN ANOTHER LEPER’S HEAD AT THE BREAK-FAST TABLE..

HOW DID THE LEPER ESCAPE FROM THE LEPER COLONY..?
HE LEFT IN BITS AND PIECES..!

HOW DID THE LEPER ESCAPE FROM THE LEPER COLONY..?
HE OOOZZZED OUT OF THE FENCE..!

WHY DID THE LEPER PROSTITUTE LEAVE THE LEPER COLONY..?
BUSINESS KEPT ON DROPPING OFF..!

WHY DID THE HOMOSEXUAL LEPER LEAVE THE LEPER COLONY..?
SOME BUM WENT AND SPLIT ON HIM..!

WHY WAS THE TELEPHONE BOOTH REMOVED FROM THE LEPER COLONY..?
BECAUSE THERE WERE TOO MANY FINGERS WALKING IN THE YELLOW PAGES..!

A BLOKE WENT TO THE MOVIES ONE DAY AND WHILE EATING HIS PACKET OF TOMATO FLAVOURED CHIPS,HE REALISED THE CONTENTS THEREOF WEREN’T DEMINISHING AT ALL.
HE STARTED TO SURVEY HIS SURROUNDINGS WHEN HE HAPPENED TO GLANCE UP.
THERE DIRECTLY ABOVE HIM SAT A LEPER LEANING OVER THE BALCONY PULLING OF HIS SCABS AND LETTING THEM FALL BELOW …..(YUMMY,BUT SICK HEY)

DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE LEPERS PLAYING CARDS.?
ONE LEPER HAD HAD ENOUGH,SO HE THROUGH HIS HAND IN, AND ANOTHER LAUGHED HIS HEAD OFF..!

WHY DID THE CAFE CLOSE IN THE LEPER COLONY.?
THERE WERE TOO MANY FINGERS IN THE PIE..!

HOW DO YOU KNOW WHEN A LEPER IS EMBARRASED.?
WHEN HE PUTS HIS FOOT IN HIS MOUTH…AND SWALLOWS IT…(JUKK)

WHY DID THE LEPER FAIL HIS DRIVING TEST..?
HE LEFT HIS FOOT ON THE CLUTCH…!

WHAT DO YOU GIVE A DEAF , DUMB , BLIND , CRIPPLED LEPER FOR CHRISTMAS ?
CANCER.

HOW DO MAKE AN INSTANT SKELETON…?
PLACE A LEPER IN A WIND TUNNEL…!!

WHAT IS THE TOP OF THE POPS IN THE LEPER COLONY..?
FOOT LOOSE…!

* Stenbukken (22. dec. – 20. jan.): – Du er intolerant, fordomsfuld og utilnærmelig. Dine karrieremuligheder begrænses af, at du ikke vil lege med, hvis du ikke er sikker på at vinde. Mænd er urimeligt kritiske med deres partnere, mens kvindelige stenbukke bekymrer sig alt for meget om trivialiteter til overhovedet at have fornøjelse af sex.

* Vandmanden (21. jan. – 19. febr.): – Du er en sørgelig blanding af talent og pseudotalent. Godt humør og depression veksler, og du efterlader gerne et blodbad i dit kølvand. Ganske vist ønsker du brændende en karriere, men du hæmmes heri af din smagløse begærlighed efter penge. Kvindelige vandmænd praktiserer kun sex for at få bekræftet, at nogen trods alt kan lide dem.

* Fiskene (20. febr. – 20. marts): – Du er en så udflydende personlighed, at ingen kan finde ud af, hvad du egentlig mener om noget som helst. Mændene glemmer hurtigt deres mange mislykkede eventyr og kan have mange partnere. Kvindelige fiskgiver mændene en fornemmelse af, at de kan bede dem gøre ting for sig, som de ikke ville vove at spørge nogen anden om.

* Vædderen (21. marts – 20. april): – Din umodenhed får dig til at gøre hvad som helst for at påkalde dig andres opmærksomhed. Du når hurtigt dit højdepunkt i karrieren, og arbejder dig ofte ihjel – men du er naturligvis komplet ligeglad med, hvilken ulejlighed det forvolder omgivelserne. Mandlige væddere har en helt ubegrundet fornemmelse af at være uimodståelige, og i sengen kompenserer de med voldsomhed, hvad de mangler i fantasi.

* Tyren (21. april – 21. maj): – Du er småborgerlig og oser af humørforladt forstads-soliditet. Du har ofte en lav, umusikalsk stemme og et stupidt udtryk i ansigtet. Du får i almindelighed mindre i løn end dine kolleger på grund af din store loyalitet overfor arbejdsgiveren. At kysse en kvindelig tyr er som at blive slået i ansigtet med en våd tepose.

* Tvillingerne (22. maj – 21. juni): – Du er upålidelig. Selvom du gerne vil virke overbevisende, er du mindre dygtig, end du ser ud til ved første øjekast. Mændene er promiskuøse, og man finder mange sadister og masochister iblandt dem. Kvindelige tvillinger kan godt lide et hurtigt knald på mærkelige steder, f.eks. i en elevator.

* Krebsen (22. juni – 23. juli): – Som helhed er du neurotisk og domineret af et kvæstet følelsesliv – en naturlig galning. Du er startet fra bunden og har arbejdet dig op med et konstant forskrækket udtryk i ansigtet. Mænd er jaloux, besiddende og voldsomme, mens kvindelige krebs behøver megen fysisk kontakt og mange penge, hvilket kan spolere deres omdømme.

* Løven (24. juli – 23. august): – Dit ego er stort som en basketball. Du er højrøstet i indiske restauranter og altid kolossalt kedsommelig at være sammen med. Som chef er du en slavepisker, der tror, at du kan gøre alle ting bedre selv, hvilket giver dig en masse problemer. Mændene er i deres klodsethed ved at vælte sengen, mens kvindelige løver fører bog over deres mange partnere.

* Jomfruen (24. aug. – 23. sept.): – Du er forvirret og sippet, hader vulgære personer, men har selv en elendig smag. Din udprægede sans for ligegyldige detaljer gør dig forhadt blandt dine eventuelle undergivne. Kvindelige jomfruer har det ikke nemt med kærligheden, som hverken kommer eller går let. Deres nye partnere har altid på fornemmelsen, at der er en tredje person til stede i soveværelset.

* Vægten (24. sept. – 23. okt.): – Du er ondsindet, og meget få andre har et så konstant dårligt humør. Du er et mareridt at leve sammen med, hader at tabe og ønsker alt gjort på din egen måde. Mandlige vægte vil i seng med stort set alle de kvinder, de møder, men deres utrolige indbildskhed får dem aldrig til at overveje, om dette ønske er gensidigt. Kvindelige vægte er som regel nervøse for, om de er blevet for fedeover bagdelen.

* Skorpionen (24. okt. – 23. nov.): – Du forærer ingenting væk, og er omgivet af kulde. Din ubehagelige karakter og dit fanatiske, vilde udseende får dig konstant til at ligne en vredladen skolelærer, og du nyder ligefrem at slå på folk. For de mandlige skorpioner har seksuallivet en dybsindig politisk betydning, og de kvindelige har et helt umætteligt behov.

* Skytten (24. nov. – 21. dec.): – Der er ikke noget forfinet ved dig. Du drikker dig fuld på restauranter og opfører dig i det hele taget indskrænket og fremfusende. Du fremprovokerer altid de værste egenskaber hos dine overordnede, og den mandlige skyttes svinagtige sexliv lader sig ikke beskrive her (læs selv bogen). Kvindelige skytter vil altid selv spille hovedrollen i soveværelset.