The parrot

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.

“Why so little,” She asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said, “Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff.”

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird’s cage up in her living room And waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said
“New house, new madam.”

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought “that’s not so bad.”

When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said
“New house, new madam, new girls.”

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation.

Moments later, the woman’s husband came home from work. The bird looked at him and said
“Hi Keith.”

The three little pigs

A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home. She read,….. “and so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said: ‘Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?”

The teacher paused then asked the class: ” And what do you think the man said?”

One little boy raised his hand and said very matter of factly:..
“I think the man would have said: “Well, fuck me! A talking pig!”

Crossbred dogs

Pointer + Setter
Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet

Kerry Blue Terrier + Skye Terrier
Blue Skye, a dog for visionaries

Great Pyrenees + Dachshund
Pyradachs, a puzzling breed

Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso
Peekasso, an abstract dog

Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel
Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle

Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever
Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists

Newfoundland + Basset Hound
Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors

Terrier + Bulldog
Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes

Bloodhound + Labrador
Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly

Malamute + Pointer
Moot Point, owned by….oh, well, it doesn’t matter anyway

Collie + Malamute
Commute, a dog that travels to work

Deerhound + Terrier
Derriere, a dog that’s true to the end

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he’s drinking it the monkey jumps all around all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?”

The guy says, “No, what?”

“He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!” says the bartender.

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replied the patron. “He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I’ll pay for the cue ball and stuff.” He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.

Two weeks later he’s in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. “Did you see what your monkey did now?” he asks.

“Now what?” responds the patron.

“Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!” says the barkeep.

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replied the patron. “He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!”

1. If you stare at someone long enough, eventually you will get what you want.
2. Don’t go out without ID.
3. Be direct with people; let them know exactly how you feel by pissing in their shoes.
4. Leave room in your schedule for a good nap.
5. Always give people a friendly greeting.
6. When you do something wrong, always take responsibility (as soon as you’re dragged shamefully out from under the bed).
7. If it’s not wet and sloppy, it’s not a real kiss.

How Dogs Are Better Than Men

1. Dogs don’t have problems expressing affection in public.
2. Dogs miss you when you’re gone.
3. Dogs feel guilty when they’ve done something wrong.
4. Dogs admit when they are jealous.
5. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
6. Dogs do not play games with you-except fetch (and they never laugh at you when you throw).
7. You can train a dog.
8. Dogs are easy to buy for.
9. The worst social disease you can get from a dog is fleas. (OK, the really worst social disease you can get from them is rabies, but there’s a vaccine for it and you can kill the one that gave it to you.)
10. Dogs understand what ‘no’ means.

Ordbog for hunde

Hundesnor:
En snor der går fra din hals til dit menneske og gør det muligt at trække ham/hende hvorhen du vil.

Hundeseng:
Enhver blød, tør overflade, såsom en seng eller ny støvsuget sofa.

Savle:
Det er det du gør, når dit menneske har mad og du ikke har.
For at gøre det korrekt, gælder det om at sidde så tæt op ad personen som muligt og kigge søreligt på ham/hende mens du savler på gulvet.

Snuse/Sniffe:
En social gestus man bruger, når man møder andre hunde.
Placer din næse så tæt som muligt på den anden hunds bagdel og tag en dyb indåndning.
Gentag dette indtil dit menneske får dig til at holde op.

Skraldespand:
En test dine mennesker laver for dig.
Det gælder om at stå på bagben og forsøge at vælte den.
Hvis det lykkedes bliver du belønnet, med gammelt magarine papir, kødrester og muggent brød, som du kan spise.

Cykler:
2 hjulede træningsapparater, der blev opfundet så hunde kan holde sig i form.
For at få maksimal udbytte af træningen, skal du gemme dig bag en busk. Når cyklen så kommer forbi, skal du gø højt og begynde at jagte den.
Bliv ved med at løbe efter den indtil mennesket på cyklen vælter.

Døv:
Dette kaldes det hunde bliver når deres menneske kalder på dem og de ikke gider at komme.
Symptomerne kan f.eks være at stirre blankt på mennesket, for derefter at løbe i den stik modsatte retning og lægge sig ned.

Torden:
Dette er et signal på at verden er ved at gå under.
Mennesker forholder sig utrolig roligt under disse omstændigheder, så det er nødvendigt at advare dem ved at tumle ukontrolleret rundt, rulle med øjnene og forfølge dem rundt i stuen.

Papirkurv:
Et stykke hundelegetøj, fyldt med papir, kuverter og gammelt slikpapir.
Når du keder dig, så vælt den og spred papirerne ud i hele huset, indtil dit menneske kommer.

Bad:
Dette er når mennesker sjasker gulvet, væggene og sig selv til.
Du kan hjælpe til ved at ryste dig hele tiden.

Læne:
Enhver god hunds reaktion på kommandoen “sit”, specielt hvis dit menneske lige har gjort sig klar til en aften i byen.