Christmas greetings the American lawyer way

Dear Friends

From us (“ the wishors”) to you (“hereinafter called the wishee”):

Please accept without obligation, explicit or implicit, our best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, political correct, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion or secular practice of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions.

Please also accept, under aforesaid waiver of obligation on your part, our best wishes for a financially successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of this calendar year of the Common Era, but with due respect for the calendars of all cultures or sects, and for the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform or dietary preference of the wishee.

By accepting this greeting you acknowledge that:

This greeting is subject to further clarification or withdrawal at the wishor’s discretion.

This greeting is freely transferable provided that no alteration shall be made to the original greeting and that the proprietary rights of the wishor are acknowledged.

This greeting implies no warranty on the part of the wishors to fulfill these wishes, nor any ability of the wishors to do so, merely a beneficent hope on the part of the wishors that they in fact occur.

This greeting may not be enforceable in certain jurisdictions and/or the restrictions herein may not be binding upon certain wishes in certain jurisdictions and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wishors.

This greeting is warranted to perform as reasonably may be expected within the usual application of good tidings, for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first.

The wishor warrants this greeting only for the limited replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wishor.

Any references in this greeting to “the Lord”, “Father Christmas”, “Our saviour” or any other festive figures, whether actual or fictitious, dead or alive, shall not imply any endorsement by or from them in respect of this greeting, and all proprietary rights in any referenced third party names and images are hereby acknowledged.

 

Sincerely,

All persons and other entities currently involved in the operations, administration, sales & marketing and planning of yours truely

 

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This e-mail and any attachment may be confidential and may also be privileged.

If you are not the intended recipient, please notify us immediately and then delete this e-mail and any attachment without retaining copies or disclosing the contents thereof to any other person.

Thank you.

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Dansktimen..

Poul: “Jeg vil gerne fritages.”
Læren: “Hvorfor dog det, lille Poul?”
Poul: “Jeg er helt udmattet efter en god gang sex her i frikvarteret.”
Læren: “Så må du bare skrive med den anden hånd.”

Kureret..

To skotter mødtes og talte om gamle dage, da den ene pludselig sagde:
– Du stammer jo ikke mere. Hvornår er det holdt op?
– Da jeg første gang skulle ringe til Australien fra en mobiltelefon.

Sover i arbejdstiden..

Direktøren til den ansatte:
– Nej, det er altså for meget. Du sidder jo og sover i arbejdstiden.
– Ja, De tilbød mig jo selv et drømmejob…

Russisk roulette..

En amerikaner og en russer snakker sammen:
Amerikaner: – Hvad er det egentlig der er så fascinerende ved russisk roulette?
Russer: – Der er ingen dårlige tabere.

Styrketræning for viderekommende..

– Hvordan går det med din styrketræning?
– Det går godt. Jeg er gået fra 50 kilos kartoffelsække til 100 kilos kartoffelsække på tre uger.
– Det må jeg nok sige.
– Ja, og jeg begynder nok snart at putte kartofler i dem.

Katolsk morgenkaffe i Rom

Fire katolske mænd og en katolsk kvinde drak kaffe på Peterspladsen i Rom.

Den første katolske mand fortæller sine venner….”Min søn er præst, når han kommer ind i et rum, tiltaler alle ham “fader!”

Den anden katolske mand siger…. “Min søn er biskop, når han træder ind i et rum tiltaler folk ham “Deres nåde!”

Den tredie katolske mand siger…. “Min søn er Kardinal. Når han træder ind i et rum bukker alle for ham og kalder ham “Deres Eminence!”

Den fjerde katolske mand siger stolt…. “min søn er Paven. Når han træder ind i et rum kalder folk ham “Deres hellighed!”

Den katolske kvinde sagde så herefter….”Jeg har en datter!” når hun træder ind i et rum siger folk Oh, my God”

The Six Affairs

The 1st Affair

A married man was having an affair
With his secretary..

One day they went to her place
And made love all afternoon.

Exhausted, they fell asleep
And woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed
And told his lover to take his shoes
Outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

‘Where have you been?’ his wife demanded.

‘I can’t lie to you,’ he replied,

‘I’m having an affair with my secretary.
We had sex all afternoon.’

She looked down at his shoes and said:

‘You lying bastard!
You’ve been playing golf!’

The 2nd Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters
But always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time
For the son they always wanted

The wife got pregnant
And delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery
To see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child
He had ever seen.

He told his wife: ‘There’s no way I can
Be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?’

The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
‘No, not this time!’

The 3rd Affair

A mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,
About to be cremated,
And made a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest private part
He had ever seen!

‘I’m sorry Mr. Schwartz,’ the mortician
Commented, ‘I can’t allow you to be cremated
With such an impressive private part.
It must be saved for posterity..’

So, he removed it,
Stuffed it into his briefcase,
And took it home.

‘I have something to show
You won’t believe,’ he said to his wife,
Opening his briefcase.

‘My God!’ the wife exclaimed,
‘Schwartz is dead!’

The 4th Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover
When she heard her husband
Opening the front door.

‘Hurry,’ she said, ‘stand in the corner.’

She rubbed baby oil all over him,
Then dusted him with talcum powder.

‘Don’t move until I tell you,’
She said. ‘Pretend you’re a statue.’

‘What’s this?’ the husband inquired
As he entered the room..

‘Oh it’s a statue,’ she replied.
‘The Smiths bought one and I liked it
So I got one for us, too.’

No more was said,
Not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up,
Went to the kitchen and returned
With a sandwich and a beer.

‘Here,’ he said to the statue, ‘have this.
I stood like that for two days at the Smiths
And nobody offered me a damned thing.’

The 5th Affair

A man walked into a cafe,
Went to the bar and ordered a beer.

‘Certainly, Sir, that’ll be one cent.’

‘One Cent?’ the man exclaimed.

He glanced at the menu and asked:
‘How much for a nice juicy steak
And a bottle of wine?’

‘A nickel,’ the barman replied.

‘A nickel?’ exclaimed the man.
‘Where’s the guy who owns this place?’

The bartender replied:
‘Upstairs, with my wife.’

The man asked: ‘What’s he doing upstairs
With your wife?’

The bartender replied:
‘The same thing I’m doing
To his business down here.’

The 6th & Best Affair

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly:
‘I have something I must confess.’

‘There’s no need to, ‘his wife replied.

‘No,’ he insisted,
‘I want to die in peace.
I slept with your sister, your best friend,
Her best friend, and your mother!’

‘I know,’ she replied.
‘Now just rest and let the poison work.’

Vidste du at….

Hvis du skreg i 8 år, 7 måneder og 6 dage ville du have produceret nok energi til at varme en kop kaffe?

(Er næppe det værd)

Hvis du prutter uafbrudt i 6 år og 9 måneder vil der være produceret nok gas til en atombombe?

(Så ligner det noget!)

Hjertet producerer så stort et pres når det pumper blod ud i kroppen at det kan sprøjte 914,40 cm?

(Oh My God.!)

En gris’ orgasme varer i 30 minutter?

(I mit næste liv vil jeg være en gris)

En kakerlak kan leve i 9 dage uden dens hoved før den dør?

(Uhyggeligt!)

(Jeg er stadig ikke kommet mig over det med grisen)

 Hvis du banker dit hoved ind i væggen bruger du 150 kalorier i timen?

(Prøv ikke det derhjemme. Men måske på arbejdet)

Hannen hos vandrende pinde kan ikke parre sig når dens hoved er fastgjort til kroppen. Hunnen tager initiativet til sex ved at rive hannens hoved af?

(“Skat, Jeg er hjemme. Hvad f…?!”)

En loppe kan hoppe 350 gange så langt som dens kropslængde? Det svarer til at et menneske hopper længden på en fodboldbane.

(30 minutter… heldige gris. Kan du forestille dig det??)

Havkatten har over 27,000 smagsløg?

(Hvad kan være så velsmagende på bunden af havet?)

Nogle løver parrer sig over 50 gange om dagen?

(Jeg vil stadig være en gris i mit næste liv – kvalitet frem for kvantitet)

Sommerfugle smager med deres fødder?

(Noget jeg altid har ønsket at vide!)

Den stærkeste muskel i kroppen er tungen?

(Hmmmmmm……..)

Højrehåndede mennesker lever, i gennemsnit, 9 år længere end venstrehåndede?

(Godt så!)

Elefanter er de eneste dyr der ikke kan hoppe?

(OK, det er jo nok meget godt……..)

En kats urin lyser under sort lys?

(Gad vide hvem der har betalt for at finde ud af det?)

En struds’ øje er større end dens hjerne?

(Jeg kender mennesker med samme problem)

Søstjerner har ingen hjerner?

(Sådan nogle mennesker kender jeg også)

Isbjørne er venstrehåndede?

(Hvis de skifter, vil de leve meget længere)

Mennesker og delfiner er de eneste arter der har sex for lystens skyld?

(Hvad med grisen??)