Dilbert – The joy of work

Guide to finding happiness at the expense of your co-workers. A number of helpful rules to be applied in workplace situations. If followed – the result should be happier employees.
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A) If asked for a status report.

Premise : decisions made by your boss usually result in more work for you.

To avoid: Obscure any meaningful content of status report.
i.e.
“The project initiatives are preformed according to the variable methodology described at our strategic directional pre-consensus framework.”

IF asked for regular reports
– give them in excruciating details about trivial aspects of your job, so your boss will be dissuaded from asking you again.

B) Be a happy person – that gives happy non-controversial advice.

You : Our competitors launched a new product. I recommend that we wait and see what happens.

Boss : Good. Do that.

You: I am all over it.

C) Use Jedi tricks.

The best method I have found for managing bosses is the the tried-and-true Jedi mind trick.
If your boss asks you : “Have you finished that project yet ?”
just look him straght in the eyes and say:
“These are not the droids we are looking for, move along”. D) Look cool.

What your boss knows about you :
1. What you look like.
2. The number of hours you are in the office.

One needs to satisfy both of these visual requirements.
Working long hours and looking good.
These are vital career criteria, whereas innner talents and contributions doesnt mean anything in the long run.

E) Spend the day – doing reverse telecommuting.

As D.2 requires that you are in the office, unless you use other tricks , you need to find ways to pass the time without doing actual work.

i.e. surf the internet – but sounds better. More technical.

F) Laugh at co_workers.

This is all about enjoying yourself. Take time out to laugh at co_corkers expense.

– All lessons that can be applied to co_workers can be Applied to cows.

A cow is “a big dumb mammel thats eats grain and turns it into manure.”
A co_worker is “a big dumb mammel thats eats doughnuts and turns them into powerpoint slides”.

G). Start fights by telling.

1. the marketing people to tell the truth.
2. The technical people that microsoft makes the best software.

H) be a prophet.

Make a reputation to have supernatural powers by predicting :
1. the department will be reorganized within six months for no compelling reason.
2. The biggest weasel in the department will be promoted soon.
3. The project will be delayed by huge unforseen problems.
4. The computer network will experience many outages.
5. The new employee who had so much promise will turn out to be ineffective.
6. The project will cost more than anyone expected.

I) be a technical primadonna.

User : I have a technical problem.
You : that figures.

User : I cant print.
You : I think I know the reason. But I have to x-ray your head to be sure.

J) Put secret messages on the back of pieces of paper for xerox machine.

1. Something which looks like the handwriting of the Vicepresident saying :
“I never realized how incompetent your co_workers are. Thanks for having the courage to name names – Jerry.”.
2. A variation is to create a fake organization chart and label it “proposed organization”.
Make sure you give the most heinous morons the best positions. Leave it in the copiers paper tray upside down, so it ends up in someones document.

K) Be prepared for brain disfunctions occuring in co_workers. Giving statements like :

1. If you have the right tools, how hard could it be to generate nuclear fission at home.
2. I ve never seen you drunk, so you must be one of those amish people.
3. If everyone had money, we could eliminate powerty.
4. It should be legal to shoplift, as long as you dont take enough to hurt the companys earnings.

Recognize them and file them accordingly.

L) Do multitasking. Create time for yourself.

You can create more time for yourself by combining mindnumbing things (your job) with fascinating creative tasks (preparing for your cool new future job). The key is to look busy.

Stage one. Your entire day is filled crisis after crisis.
Stage two. Your entire day is filled with explaining to other people that Your entire day is filled crisis after crisis.
Stage three. Your entire day is filled with apologizing that Your entire day is filled with explaining to other people that Your entire day is filled crisis After crisis.
Stage 4. You are so busy that no one dares talking to you.

Make sure you move to phase 4 as soon as possible.
Being anywhere else leaves time off in your schedule – which can diverted to helping your collegues.
That is called team work, and should be avoided at all costs.

M) Create mission statements that look cool. Having fun – knowing that you are cool and that the rest are suckers.

You want to get a raise.
I.e. you need to talk to (and like) management.

Mission statement :
The new ventures mission is to scout profitable opportunities in relationships, both internally and externally, in emergent, mission-inclusive markets, and explore new paradigms and then filter and communicate and evangilize the findings.
Logitech International 1998.10.14

Know that talking like that will put you through to the right people.
You are on your way to be a business tycoon.

Scott Adams : Enjoy work.