Here is a list I compiled of UNIX commands that return witty error messages. Some of the commands don’t return the same error messages, depending upon which OS you’re running (ie SunOS, HP/UX, Ultrix, etc.). Have fun!
% make fire
Make: Don’t know how to make fire. Stop.
% why not?
No match.
% gotta light?
No match.
% !1984
1984: Event not found. # (on some systems)
% How’s my lovemaking?
Unmatched ‘.
% “How would you rate Bush’s incompetence?
Unmatched “.
% [Where is Jimmy Hoffa?
Missing ].
% [Where is my brain?
Missing ].
% ^How did the sex change^ operation go?
Modifier failed.
% ^How did the sex change operation go?
Bad substitute.
% If I had a ( for every $ Congress spent, what would I have?
Too many (‘s.
% man: why did you get a divorce?
man:: Too many arguments.
% %blow
%blow: No such job.
% \(-
(-: Command not found.
% sh
$ PATH=pretending! /usr/ucb/which sense
no sense in pretending!
$ mkdir matter; cat >matter
matter: cannot create
% cd /tmp
% touch this; chmod 000 this
% ln -s /usr/bin/touch U
% U this
U: cannot touch this: no write permission
% rm meese-ethics
rm: meese-ethics nonexistent
% cd ~god
Unknown user: god.
% ar m God
ar: God does not exist
% make love
Make: Don’t know how to make love. Stop.
% sleep with me
bad character
% ^What is saccharine?
Bad substitute.
% drink
yellow_pages: Is a directory
%touch me
%chmod 000 me
%touch me
touch: cannot touch me: permission denied
% ar x “my love life”
ar: my love life does not exist
% ar x “matey, the treasure”
ar: matey, the tresure does not exist
% talk Gorvachev@Kremlin
talk: Kremlin: Can’t figure out network address.
% talk Comrade Khruchev
[Your party is not logged on]
make “bottle open”
make “heads or tails of all this”
make love
make mistake
make sense
man woman
man -kisses dog
% echo ‘[q]sa[ln0=aln256%Pln256/snlbx]sb3135071790101768542287578439snlbxq’|dc
GET A LIFE!
% ping elvis.rice.edu | awk ‘{print substr($1,1,5), $2, $3}’
elvis is alive
% finger body-of-christ@bread-jar.mass
Unknown host
% finger huge-keg-party@big-house
Unknown host