An old-fashioned compartment. It is empty, except for one city gent, who sits in a corner by the window, reading The Times. After a few moments, an Annoying Little Man enters the compartment. He is called Mr Raymond Pest. He stares at the city gent, and then walks slowly round the compartment, examining each vacant seat in turn. None of them meets with his satisfaction. Finally he examines the seat right next to the city gentleman, poking it with his forefinger. Then he clears his throat. The city gent looks up.

CITY GENT Yes?
PEST Is this seat occupied?
CITY GENT No.

Mr Pest sits down next to the city gent, perhaps a little too close for comfort. The city gent studiously ignores him. After a moment, Mr Pest starts fidgeting. He is clearly not comfortable. He tries various different sitting positions, clicking his tongue to indicate his dissatisfaction. The city gent studiously ignores him.

PEST Excuse me, would you mind changing seats?
CITY GENT …What?

Mr Pest points at the city gent’s seat.

PEST Can I sit there?
CITY GENT …Very well.

City gent rises and sits in the opposite corner seat. Mr Pest jumps into the vacated seat eagerly. But very soon he is uncomfortable again.

PEST Hmmmmmmmm… hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm… tch, tch, tch.
CITY GENT Yes?
PEST I thought I’d like sitting here. But now I’m here it’s not as good as I thought it would be.
CITY GENT Oh.

He goes back to reading The Times. Mr Pest nips across the compartment and sits next to him.

PEST Do you mind if I smoke?
CITY GENT No, not at all.
PEST …You’re sure?
CITY GENT Yes, thank you.

He turns to another page of his paper.

PEST You’re not just saying that to be polite?
CITY GENT No. Please do smoke.
PEST …You would say if you didn’t want me to.
CITY GENT …Yes, I would.
PEST REALLY?

The city gent gives Mr Pest a long piercing look.

CITY GENT Yes, I promise I would.
PEST Good. So you don’t mind if I smoke?
CITY GENT No.
PEST Only some people object.
CITY GENT …Yes, but NOT me.

A pause.

PEST I thought I’d just make sure…
CITY GENT Yes, thank you.
PEST You’re welcome!
CITY GENT Thank you.
PEST Not at all… It’s MY pleasure.
CITY GENT …Quite.
PEST No effort to ask.
CITY GENT No…
PEST No effort at all.
CITY GENT Right.
PEST Politeness costs nothing.
CITY GENT Thank… you.
PEST Not at all!… Thank YOU.
CITY GENT Not at all.
PEST Thank you though…

City gent puts his paper down.

CITY GENT Look. Go ahead and SMOKE…
PEST Thank you.

City gent picks his paper up and starts reading. Mr Pest sits very still. After a time the city gent becomes aware that Mr Pest has not lit a cigarette.

CITY GENT …Why aren’t you smoking?
PEST I haven’t got a cigarette.
CITY GENT …Do you WANT a cigarette?
PEST Ooooooh!

The city gent puts his paper down and takes out a packet of cigarettes and offers Mr Pest one.

PEST …No, I don’t think I should.
CITY GENT (steelily) Please take one.
PEST No I oughtn’t.
CITY GENT Take one!
PEST No really.
CITY GENT All right.

He puts the cigarettes away and picks his newspaper up again. A pause.

PEST …I wish I hadn’t refused that cigarette.

The city gent slams his newspaper down and gets the cigarettes out again.

PEST Thank you!

Mr Pest takes a cigarette. The city gent, with great deliberation, takes out a lighter. Mr Pest, however, puts the cigarette in his pocket.

CITY GENT …Aren’t you going to smoke it?
PEST OH NO!… It’s a two-hour journey, and if I smoke it now I won’t have one for AFTER.
CITY GENT …After what?
PEST After I’ve smoked THIS one. If I had TWO cigarettes, it would be plain sailing. Yes! Two cigarettes is what I really need.
CITY GENT Have another.

He offers Mr Pest another cigarette. Mr Pest takes it eagerly and the city gent lights it for him. Then he puts his lighter away, picks up his copy of The Times and determinedly starts reading again.

PEST …Thank you.
CITY GENT Not at all.
PEST No, but thank you anyway.
CITY GENT Shut up!!

There is a long pause as the city gent starts to read again, and Mr Pest puffs contentedly. Suddenly Mr Pest screams. The city gent jumps.

CITY GENT What was that?
PEST It was ME. It’s a speech impediment.
CITY GENT A SPEECH impediment?
PEST Yes. I used to do that after every second word. I used to say ‘Hallo there (he screams) Mr Cook (he screams). How are (he screams) you this (he screams) lovely summer (he screams) morning? I’M (he screams) fine’.
CITY GENT Yes, yes, yes, I understand. Now, PLEASE…

He picks up his newspaper and fixes his attention on it. A pause.

PEST They cured me at the hospital though… they were wonderful… they stopped me going (he screams) after every second word… Wonderful they were.

City gent cannot concentrate on his reading.

CITY GENT How did they stop you?
PEST Well, it’s very interesting. They said to me ‘Don’t go (he screams) after every second word’, and it worked! Now I only go (he screams) when I want to.

City gent is not happy about this answer but picks his paper up nevertheless. He starts reading. Mr Pest screams very loudly and the city gen jumps.

PEST I wanted to do it then.

City gent buries himself in his paper, determined not to be distracted again. Mr Pest starts talking happily.

PEST Once upon a time there was a fairy prince called Raymond Pest who got on a train and was given cigarettes by a wizard. A very clever wizard. MAGIC cigarettes.
CITY GENT What are you TALKING about?
PEST I was telling myself a story to pass the time.
CITY GENT Well, could you please tell it silently then.

Mr Pest starts telling the story silently. He gesticulates, mimes the words and plays a number of different characters. However, the city gent manages to keep his attention on the paper.

PEST (Loudly) I spy with my little eye something beginning with B… OR J.
CITY GENT Quiet!
PEST (quietly) …It’s easy.
CITY GENT Shut up!

A pause.

PEST B… or… J.
CITY GENT …HOW can it begin with a B or a J?
PEST For various reasons which will become apparent when you know the answer.
CITY GENT …What’s the answer?
PEST Ectoplasm!
CITY GENT (astounded) Ectoplasm!?!?!?!?
PEST Yes. Mr B. J. Ectoplasm.

The city gent stares at him slack-jawed.

PEST He works at our office.
CITY GENT …What? BUT… I can’t SEE him!
PEST You can if you have an appointment.

The city gent glazes over.

PEST I can disappear.

Silence.

PEST I… can DISAPPEAR!
CITY GENT …Why don’t you then?

Mr Pest takes a deep breath and disappears.

CITY GENT Thank God for that.

Source AT LAST THE 1948 SHOW, 31 October 1967

Original cast CITY GENT John Cleese
MR PEST Marty Feldman